Would it bother you if your partner can't 'finish'?

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If you have a male partner that is. And By finish, I mean ejaculate.

My husband very very rarely can. In fact I think he only has done it 2 or maybe 3 times in three years. Sex always finishes as he's either too tired or gone soft. It lasts maybe 10- 15 minutes before this point. We are both in our late 20s so it can't be due to age.

Taking out issues TTC (Which is obviously a worry) I wondered if others would care in this situation. Because I do care - I feel sort of inadequate that he never finishes as it's not difficult for the majority of men is it? I feel a man finishing is a signal he enjoyed it at least. But I have not had much sexual experience. I know logically I shouldn't blame myself and it is probably a medical issue, but he refuses to consider he may have an issue in this regard.

He says it shouldn't bother me and other women wouldn't care as long as they enjoy it. I can't ask my friends about this so I'm asking anonymously on the internet if it's normal for me to bothered by this?

Only experienced this with an ex and was due to him watching way too much hardcore porn and normal sex did nothing for him so he could rarely finish/would go soft.

I dated a guy like this for years. He came about four itmes in the eight years we dated on/off. My confidence was shattered. I fancied so much and it never felt reciprocated.

The few times he ejaculated was always without a condom.

We finished it for a lot of reasons, that wasn't the main one. He wrote to me years later, telling me he was with somebody new and they had an unplanned baby. That child must now be eight or nine. I can absolutely put money on it that they do not have a good sex life ie if they have any sex life at all. He told me that he didn't love the mother of his child but was scared she would take the child away from him.

He hinted that he had depression (or at least I think that is what he was trying to say as he compared himself to a somebody who had depression) but he tended to be a bit inward looking and he wasn't on anti depressants when I knew him, so I really don't know what he meant. I don't know why he couldn't ejaculate but the worst part, for me, was that he never spoke about it to reassure me.
In hindsight, he treated me very badly in other ways too so I saw the sex problem more as my problem than his.

Friends of mine were convinced he was gay but he wasn't, I often wondered if he had another girlfriend and saw ejaculating with me as cheating. I fretted about it for so long. It was terribly unfair of him to do that and I really hope you don't let it continue without discussing it and trying to do something about it or you'll end up like me and wasting years and years on somebody who just makes you sad.

The ending for both of us is a big deal to me. For me, it’s easy, but with DH there have been a handful of times over the years (less than 10) where he has not had an orgasm. One I remember was because he’d had a few pints. Alcohol can delay it.

I know I would feel disappointed or rejected if he NEVER finished. I would feel like there was no point if he doesn’t enjoy it.

That said, if my DH had a condition or was on medication that made ejaculating difficult I would be understanding and would certainly not feel rejected, as I would know the reasons why.

He needs to be straight with you.

The cause of the inability to climax would be important to me. Death grip and no attempt to address problem would be a dealbreaker.

However other causes like medical issues would bother me less.

I would find the refusal to address it the dealbreaker.

Especially for a young guy not on meds.
Older, on meds, health issues. I'd be much more understanding.

Hopefully the crazy porn addiction will fade when guys realise it breaks their dicks.

Hmmm... this happened to me once with someone I was seeing, he was a big gym head, I didn't put two and two together but it was steroids he was taking. Any chance of something like this?

I've been with DP 6 months, when we first got together he wouldn't finish. He said it wasn't me, it first became a problem when his marriage ended. He could go on for quite a while though, sometimes he would climax if it was spontaneous sex. It did bother me as I would go like the clappers, or use my clenching skills to try and make him come. I'm not a woman who regularly climaxes through intercourse so it wasn't a huge deal temporarily but I did tell him I wanted him to come, I have sub tendencies and really want to pleasure him.

The last couple of times we've been together I was able to climax on top and he did soon after. It was a case of him being able to trust me as he was cheated on in the past. We are older and have children of our own so won't be ttc.

There are at least two elements here. The sex. If op enjoys it then I don’t think it should matter how he does it / enjoys it. We are all different sexually. If you don’t enjoy it or it would improve your enjoyment purely physically, it’s a completely different story.
Then, the possibly having children together. This would make it hard and if he didn’t seek help I’d leave if I wanted children. Now , not waiting till I was ready to start ttc

@PrawnSacrifice

I'm sorry pp are being horrible to you.... they're just being nasty to you.

It's an indication of their character, not yours.

My partner is the same, always has been, it makes me feel inadequate, I can't even do it for him by hand, he says it doesn't worry him. We have been together for 20 years. Apart from that, sexually he is very attentative to me and my needs.

I have been with a guy like this. And yes it bothered me massively.
I know it's not all about us, but really messed with my self esteem. I would always think I wasn't good enough.
He too would tell me that's not the case and he is happy just knowing that I was enjoying it.
But tbh, I stopped enjoying it because I was in my own head so much, worrying about what he must be thinking!
It's soul destroying. Hopefully he will be open and honest with you as to the reasons why and seek help.

I’d get it checked out. An ex had this issue and he was later diagnosed with MS. He was slightly old bit still in his 30s.

Lots of young men nowadays are not bothered about sex at all. All they want is porn.

I find it very hard to believe that a man would get satisfactory sex if he didn't orgasm whatever he might say. And you are right OP - it is very easy to do and the problem is usually not coming too soon rather than not being able to come at all. Your concern is entirely understandable and he is wrong to say other women wouldn't care - my DW tells me she loves it when she gives me an orgasm, and I feel the same when I do it to her - it is a huge ego and sexual boost as it demonstrates my skill as a lover.

Simultaneous orgasm is surely the gold standard of sexual satisfaction, why is it different for men ? Everyone has the odd "off" day, but for it to never happen drunk, sober, morning, evening, different positions yes I would feel miffed. Can he do it if you "help" him to get an idea of what he likes ?
I would give it a bit of time and patience bug ultimately I wouldn't settle for this in my 20s.

It's an interesting read... I've had difficulties ever since I was a teenage boy, and porn wasn't exactly and easy-access thing back then so I wouldn't blame it on that!

My girlfriend doesn't seem to mind. She has never in her life been able to get there without clitoral stimulation anyway. She's suggested that she could now but toys have become such a natural part of it for us and she enjoys it so much that neither of us have much inclination to prove it either way.

For me it turned out to be at least part psychological - once I accepted that she was okay with finishing me through other means (and oral doesn't work for me either) I was magically, for the first time in my life, able to finish through sex - and it's "more often than not" now. And yes, she admits it makes her feel great when I can, but perhaps even more so knowing that she was the one who gave me the time and understanding and most of all lack of pressure to get there.

I will say though that I've never gone limp - I guess that's a different thing and I can see that it would be quite soul destroying.

OP,
I really feel for you. Its not an easy situation.

My husband is the same. At the beginning I dont think it really registered as an issue. We have been together 20 years now. We didnt even have sex on our wedding night. He always has to finish himself and i must have hated it then i just didnt acknowledge it like i do now.

We had to have IVF as it turned out he also had a fertility issue.

We saw a sex counsellor a few years ago and my husband was very adamant he doesnt have a problem. He says there are other ways to have sex and his way is normal. He has only ever had sex with me. Ive had a few more partners and its not normal. But he wont address it. He tells me its not me etc but i feel im not sexy enough as he can finish himself. Maybe 1 month every 5 years he can finish normally. No idea whats different about those times.

We've got past the child making now which took 10 years due to IVF. Now sex should be fun and it isn't so we have stopped having it. I think he has gone off it as well. I've told him so much over the years that him not ejaculating bothers me and he basically ignored me but when we saw the counsellor 2 years ago it bought it home to me that he really doesn't accept its an issue. So ive been more forceful about it being an issue and thats soured our whole relationship. Im not cruel though. He would want more sex than me and id tell him i dont want him to wank and he would always blame me for not wanting sex instead of realising i dont want to watch him wank over me again. I kept quiet for 19 years but eventually would say just go have a wank yourself. He would say its not the same, i want you etc etc. But it feels like we do stuff to each other not together. I want a quickie. Id love to be able to have sex somewhere other than the bedroom but we cant as it takes too long and always ends up with him wanking. Id like some passion.

I never understand how he could still want sex knowing that i hate the ending. He seems to be oblivious all this time. If i was doing something during sex that upset him it would have put me off years ago. I also cried after sex sometimes when i was ovulating as he couldnt make me pregnant and i wanted a baby. Even that never put him off.

We have talked about divorce but we have 2 kids, large bills and there are other things to consider.

If i was in your position i would leave now. I know its not that easy but living in a sexless marriage wont get easier either. I know some people do it but i cant. Im also annoyed as it shows he blanks out stuff he doesn't agree with. Because he thinks his normal is acceptable so he blanks out the rest. That outlook has shown itself in other areas in the 20 years so its not a trait limited to sex, but obviously i didnt know that early in our relationship. If we seriously disagree on something he just shuts down and ignores it. So when we found out he had a fertility issue he used the same approach. He cant have kids so we cant have kids. end of. he thought that was fine and ignored anything to the contrary. I did get my kids in the end but he made it much harder than it needed to be. Other things are the same though. If he doesn't agree he never backs me up or supports me.

He sounds terrible writing this. He has good qualities too. Sorry its long winded. Im just trying to say its probably an indicator of how he will tackle other challenges in life too in that he will refuse to be drawn in as he thinks its fine.

I dont think i could have been brave enough to leave all those years ago due to a sex issue. But in hindsight with the other issues I wish i had. Then i could have had a family with someone else in a much more normal way. In a way i have just put off splitting up 15 years and now its complicated by 2 kids and joint finances.

Good luck.

He definitely is wanking at home even during lockdown with you, men will always find a way. I agree it is probably psychological, maybe he is nervous about performing or some deep rooted issues from when he was younger

Don't believe the stock post about death grip etc. Possible but seems unlikely. It sounds he has some deep seated issues given that he can cum but not inside you and personally I would find that pretty destroying. My DH cums every time, mostly inside me which I a,ways love but sometimes elsewhere like my mouth and I love seeing the pleasure in his face. I can't imagine a man that doesn't cum from oral sex either.
I think you have to be realistic that he is either honest about the situation and get get help or recognise this is always going to be a relationship with bitterness in you for what you are missing

Sharing of orgasms is important to me. That said, I like to think that very little would be a deal breaker, if a person would work with me on finding a solution. How were things when you first met?

I would want him to talk to his GP for starters.

Secondly l would want him to communicate. The OP says he doesn’t like to talk about masturbation. Why not? Are hangups causing or at least adding to a problem? In the past, l have known men to be totally shocked when l say, hey as a woman l masturbate regularly, it’s different to 1:1 sex and l need both.

Finally, l would want to ensure that his difficulties had minimal impact on the needs of the relationship. For example, it does not stop oral.

God I dated someone like this. 50:50 if he came. Sometimes I gave 30 minute + handjobs and nothing. Was really emotionally horrible and his excuse was always “it’s too sensitive”.

You want someone to feel satisfied with you in bed. Not like things have just fizzled out to a sad conclusion.

Thanks everyone who has responded, it has been reassuring for me to see that many others would feel the same way. My husband thinks it shouldn't bother me if he ejaculates or not as long as I enjoy it, and thinks I am just picking on him for the sake of it. It is hard to make him realise it is an issue for me even if not for him. Whenever we have sex now I feel he is doing it begrudgingly as a marital chore which means I don't enjoy it much - no woman wants to have sex with a man who doesn't seem to enjoy it with her as it's an emotional experience in addition to a physical one. I don't feel sexy or wanted at all, I can't remember the last time I did.

To be honest I feel completely trapped as if I will never experience a good sex life - we have been together nearly 10 years and I do feel I've wasted a lot of my youth already

10 years

Doesn't sound good for the future. It sounds as though he doesn't actually enjoy or need sex, and just does it for you. Eventually he won't bother, and it's a sexless marriage.

Flipping it around, I don't always orgasm during sex, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. I can still enjoy the intimacy and closeness that I also get from sex without necessarily having to orgasm to achieve it.

Obviously though I'm not you so you might really get the feeling from him that he's not enjoying it or not wanting to do it at all, which is actually a different problem altogether.