Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out husband has Hidden phone in bedroom to record me..

248 replies

Failing366 · 03/05/2020 15:20

Well the title says it all really, my husband has been hiding a second phone in the bedroom to record me...

Backstory.. we've been together for 17 years, 3 children. We've had our issues over the years, the main one being around 5 years ago I got close to an old friend, only via messages we never met up or saw each other, i won't lie and say there wasn't sexual talk because there was but it was more having someone to talk to who I guess gave me attention. Husband found out by logging into my Facebook/ messenger and it caused a lot of trouble, we talked and decided the marriage was worth saving and apart from one incident a few months after I stopped contact with the other guy every things been fine, that inicident was him hiding his phone under our bed to record me on the phone, we discussed how that was out of order and to be honest it hasn't been mentioned again..

Fast forward five years...

Just before Xmas I'd visited my family and when I came home I noticed all my things had been looked through, like drawers all messy jewelry boxes moved, just really obvious someone had been going through my things, I asked him and he denied doing it, the next day when j went up to bed I saw a reflection in the glass on his drawers, it was his phone, hidden on a shelf at the top of our bed and it was recording, the voice recorder on.. tbh I didn't do anything that night, but over the next few days things were frosty, he eventually texted me to ask what was wrong and I'd told him that I'd found his phone recording and he denied all knowledge, said it must have been a mistake, I made a point of saying how it made me feel so disrespected and that it was out of order recording me and he again said he hadn't, well things slowly got back to normal until I got an notification saying someone had logged into my Facebook and messenger, I was able to log him out, I know it was him as it says the phone and where they are, anyway I logged him out and confronted him, he denied it being him, swore blind he didn't do it..

So over the last few months I've been finding blobs of bluetac stuck to our bed, always on my side, tbh it's had me paranoid, I know he's been recording me but I've not had the proof until last night when I found his phone stuck to the bed with the voice recorder on..

Well I kinda lost it, I'll admit, I took his pillows and his phone downstairs and told him the sofa was his new home.. yet again I asked why he thought he could record me and how upset it makes me that he's been doing it and denying so, he barely said anything, just the usual, firstly he denied it, he did end up admitting it but no reasons..

I asked if it were a sexual thing, I dunno some new kink which is totally unacceptable but it would explain and he said it wasn't.. he won't give any reasons why he's doing it or even acknowledge how upset I am by this..

Am I over reacting? Is it acceptable to record your wife without her knowledge?

I find it so disrespectful and I'm hurt that he's obviously been doing this for months now, I have absolutely nothing to hide, since the situation five years ago I hand on heart haven't spoken to another man, I mean I don't even really have friends as the one friend I did have he used to show up at the coffee shop when we would meet, I feel like Im so seperated from friends and family for him and he still thinks it acceptable to record me.. I don't even feel safe in my own home now, I feel paranoid that he's recording me in other places than the bedroom..
What can I do? What reasons does he have for doing this?

OP posts:
HappyHammy · 04/05/2020 20:14

What will you do with the phone if he does give it to you.

Original poster
Failing366 · 04/05/2020 20:17

@HappyHammy I know it goes against everything everybody has said but I just want to throw it away and never see it again, obviously in a way my husband couldn't get hold of it again..

I know I have enough to go to the police and I know that's what I should do but I just don't know if it's the right route for me, I'm sure everyone will think I'm a pushover and pathetic but I don't know if I can deal with the police being involved. I just want to forget the whole thing if I'm honest, get rid of the phone and figure out a way to seperate..

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 04/05/2020 20:20

You should really get the police round to take the phone off him. Any reason you aren't going that route?

He can get another phone or spy kit super easily. You having the phone only helps you for one night, maybe two.

TorkTorkBam · 04/05/2020 20:21

What would be bad about getting the police involved?

Is it because deep down you plan to sweep it under the carpet, pretend it didn't happen and police makes it real?

TorkTorkBam · 04/05/2020 20:22

Why not call the DV line at the police and ask for their advice. They are extra keen to help in these lockdown days. Might as well ask.

HappyHammy · 04/05/2020 20:23

He could already have a 3rd phone or just buy another one. I understand how you feel but its evidence if you want to divorce and he gets nasty. He could have transferred whatever is on it and it might not be the only recording device he has used.

Original poster
Failing366 · 04/05/2020 20:26

@TorkTorkBam I don't know, I just remember a lot of police being involved when I was a child and the feat of that and I guess I don't want my children to see that side of us splitting up, in no way am I sweeping it under the carpet, I'm fully decided this marriage is ending, I just wish we weren't in lockdown and he could leave right now, there's no going back from what he did but I do have to bide my time right now as he has to stay in the family home. Ultimately I'd like for the phone to be gone and for him to have no access to the bedroom until the time comes when he can leave..

OP posts:
Original poster
Failing366 · 04/05/2020 20:29

And as I wrote that last message it dawned on me he can easily get other phones, the one he was using to record me is a work phone, he works within supermarkets( not as a store worker, but don't wanna reveal his job) and each store has internal phones that work just like mobile phones, he can easily get another one 🤦🏻‍♀️
God how is this happening to me

OP posts:
HappyHammy · 04/05/2020 20:31

One of you can leave. You dont have to stay in the same house if its really bad. If you dont want him in the bedroom you both need to sit down and have an adult conversation about how it will work.if you really cant stand being near each other you both owe it to the kids to sort something out.

NoMoreDickheads · 04/05/2020 20:31

HappyHammy is right- there's nothing to stop him buying another one, or some other device.

Has he actually done anything illegal? He's recording things in a home he lives in and bedroom he shares. The PP whose husband was done for voyeurism had been recorded in the bathroom so the intent was clear, as well as him filming other people.

Don't get me wrong, of course I don't think it's right and I think OP should leave as soon as it suits her.

Original poster
Failing366 · 04/05/2020 20:36

@NoMoreDickheads I think the fact that I don't believe what he's done is actually illegal is also stopping me going to the police, as well as not wanting them involved, I do understand why others are saying I should get the phone as evidence but I did record our conversation last night where he admitted the recordings..

OP posts:
HappyHammy · 04/05/2020 20:56

Have you heard what if anything he recorded. Were you able to switch the record button off. Throwing the phone away might make you feel better but it doesnt resolve the issue.

NotMyNigel · 04/05/2020 21:04

I think it’s illegal for him him to secretly record or film her in her bedroom where she has a reasonable expectation of privacy. And of course he was recording her when they had sex.

I’m concerned he also might be filming in your bathroom.

Heartburn888 · 04/05/2020 21:45

He must think you’re going to bed early to speak to your non existent fancy man and wants to record you doing so so he can say I was right all along.

It is disgusting though. He is invading your personal space and I’d be having nightmares if I was you, it would leave me very unsettled as I couldn’t be sure of his intentions if he is capable of recording/filming

Original poster
Failing366 · 04/05/2020 21:55

@Heartburn888 that's exactly how I feel, very unsettled, I've no idea what he's capable of and that's frightening.. I've just come up to bed after sitting with our daughter till she fell asleep and even though I know he hasn't been in the bedroom I'm still checking everywhere for phones or recording devices, he's totally screwed my head up, I feel so on edge wondering if I'm being recorded, I'm pretty sure I'm not but who knows for sure with how crafty he is...

OP posts:
Heartburn888 · 04/05/2020 22:09

Is there nowhere you or he can go? Has he ever been physically with you before?

If it is curtains for you both, I’d wait until after lockdown to tell him as his behaviour might escalate if he thinks you’re leaving him for another man. He is clearly convinced there is someone else.

I really hope you’re okay. Could you camp out in your daughters bedroom until lockdown is lifted? It might give you a bit of breathing space?

Lastly, you should say out loud all his short comings so if he is still recording you he can hear what a piece of shit he really is.

Original poster
Failing366 · 04/05/2020 22:10

I have the phone!!
God my heart's pounding.. I texted him after I'd gotten in bed and said I wanted the phone and his word that he wouldn't record me again, he came upstairs opened the bedroom door and threw the phone on the bed and just walked out again. And he's just texted 'you have more than my word'

I really didn't think he would give me the phone..

OP posts:
NotMyNigel · 04/05/2020 22:14

Well done, I hope you are able to get some sleep.

His attitude is appalling though, he clearly thinks you are very unreasonable to object to being recorded.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/05/2020 22:15

Ok, you hide it for tonight, VERY WELL - turn it off as long as you can get into it again so he can't locate it in the night - and tomorrow, you get out first thing with it and check it over. Obviously he's probably deleted the recordings but you can retrieve stuff. You might have to wait a while, if he asks for the phone back you just say No.

He can get another one.

On the police thing: Yes, you should talk to them. You don't have to take anythign further than you want to, but this IS your moment to make sure you have the upper hand. Get proof in case you need it in the future - for any reason.

SunshineCake · 04/05/2020 22:19

But you've said he can get another Sad.

Original poster
Failing366 · 04/05/2020 22:20

He's wipes the phone, absolutely nothing on it. I knew he would..

OP posts:
HappyHammy · 04/05/2020 22:24

Hide the phone on your body so he cant get it. He may have deleted everything and transferred the recordings but you have it now. Try and find the number for it on its apps. Is the SIM card still in it. Texting each other isn't the best way to communicate. It sounds like you have both had enough and are at risk of just winding each other up.

NoMoreDickheads · 04/05/2020 22:28

PP's are right in that if you go to the police, just going is evidence you can use to help you in any divorce etc.

And yes come to think of it, as PP's said, if he's recorded you having sex, that's illegal.

He's bloody awful that's for sure.

BackseatCookers · 05/05/2020 00:18

Please at least tell him you want him to sleep on the sofa from now on and that if he genuinely wants to empathise with this total invasion of privacy and making you scared of him then he'll do it.

You can tell kids he's started snoring and that's why, you don't need to make a big deal of it to them.

He needs kicking out really but I realise that isn't easy as he is legally allowed to be there - unless you involve police which I think you should but understand that feels too big at the moment.

It's quite chilling this and I'm so sorry you're going through it Thanks

em90792 · 05/05/2020 07:51

I would definitely consider logging with the police. You dont have to press charges etc.
I was in a controlling relationship, and also raped (in a non violent aggressive way) and questioned if it was actually that or was I being dramatic and stupid for a long time. After all he was my husband and father 2 my children. It was hard admitting I didnt have that happy family i had always longed for.
I remember thinking I was wasting their time, that once I did it there was no going back and the children would see it all and that I just wanted it all over and couldnt cope with any more hassle.
In the end I phoned them, possibly the scariest thing I've done. In the end after maybe 4 months I dropped charges due to his controlling behaviour and convincing me to (I know 🤦‍♀️) but thats on record if anything happens again, or in future relationships if he was to behave in the same way. So maybe consider it like that... his behaviour isnt normal and the fact he seems annoyed you've asked for the phone suggests he isnt liking you taking control away. Personally I'd be asking him to leave or leave myself. The children will find out sooner or later and they dont need to know details. As said previously, a happy mother is way more important. There are alot of groups for support and I do believe this is a form of domestic abuse but maybe you dont see how serious it is yet or dont want too. I was offered some amazing counselling via the police and recieved alot of support from my local health visitors etc. I know it's a difficult time with lockdown etc, but are you just prolonging something because its difficult? It will only get harder the longer you leave it. I'd seriously consider putting stuff in place to move out yourself. If you could find a place to go. You have the device and recording so you could request police contact to be via telephone or at station and have someone watch the children. That way shielding them from that element for now.
Please stay safe, i fear he will be putting devices back or find another way to gain control or whatever it is he needs in a few weeks. As that's usually the pattern of behaviour. Tell you/give you what you want, slowly turn it to your fault and then return back to same/similar behaviour in weeks.