Found out husband has Hidden phone in bedroom to record me..

[Failing366]

Well the title says it all really, my husband has been hiding a second phone in the bedroom to record me...

Backstory.. we've been together for 17 years, 3 children. We've had our issues over the years, the main one being around 5 years ago I got close to an old friend, only via messages we never met up or saw each other, i won't lie and say there wasn't sexual talk because there was but it was more having someone to talk to who I guess gave me attention. Husband found out by logging into my Facebook/ messenger and it caused a lot of trouble, we talked and decided the marriage was worth saving and apart from one incident a few months after I stopped contact with the other guy every things been fine, that inicident was him hiding his phone under our bed to record me on the phone, we discussed how that was out of order and to be honest it hasn't been mentioned again..

Fast forward five years...

Just before Xmas I'd visited my family and when I came home I noticed all my things had been looked through, like drawers all messy jewelry boxes moved, just really obvious someone had been going through my things, I asked him and he denied doing it, the next day when j went up to bed I saw a reflection in the glass on his drawers, it was his phone, hidden on a shelf at the top of our bed and it was recording, the voice recorder on.. tbh I didn't do anything that night, but over the next few days things were frosty, he eventually texted me to ask what was wrong and I'd told him that I'd found his phone recording and he denied all knowledge, said it must have been a mistake, I made a point of saying how it made me feel so disrespected and that it was out of order recording me and he again said he hadn't, well things slowly got back to normal until I got an notification saying someone had logged into my Facebook and messenger, I was able to log him out, I know it was him as it says the phone and where they are, anyway I logged him out and confronted him, he denied it being him, swore blind he didn't do it..

So over the last few months I've been finding blobs of bluetac stuck to our bed, always on my side, tbh it's had me paranoid, I know he's been recording me but I've not had the proof until last night when I found his phone stuck to the bed with the voice recorder on..

Well I kinda lost it, I'll admit, I took his pillows and his phone downstairs and told him the sofa was his new home.. yet again I asked why he thought he could record me and how upset it makes me that he's been doing it and denying so, he barely said anything, just the usual, firstly he denied it, he did end up admitting it but no reasons..

I asked if it were a sexual thing, I dunno some new kink which is totally unacceptable but it would explain and he said it wasn't.. he won't give any reasons why he's doing it or even acknowledge how upset I am by this..

Am I over reacting? Is it acceptable to record your wife without her knowledge?

I find it so disrespectful and I'm hurt that he's obviously been doing this for months now, I have absolutely nothing to hide, since the situation five years ago I hand on heart haven't spoken to another man, I mean I don't even really have friends as the one friend I did have he used to show up at the coffee shop when we would meet, I feel like Im so seperated from friends and family for him and he still thinks it acceptable to record me.. I don't even feel safe in my own home now, I feel paranoid that he's recording me in other places than the bedroom..
What can I do? What reasons does he have for doing this?

he is trying to prove your having an affair is he doing the dirty? i mean surely after months of no proof nothing you would give up?

@LochJessMonster
You are wrong - this has gone beyond trust
Texting someone else isn’t illegal
Covertly filming someone is

anyone else got the advert for security cameras?

Seeing this slightly differently to everyone else here, while it's clearly totally unacceptable it's also obviously because of the emotional affair you had. He hasn't got over it and it doesn't sound like apart from immediately after there has been much discussion about how he feels since. Comes across as hey ho it's over now, lets move on. You're right to feel disrespected but I should imagine he must have felt super disrespected with what you were doing. There is clearly no trust left so I can't see how the relationship can continue. I do think though that if a woman posted that she had been doing this because she felt so awful after what her husband had done, the replies would say it was unacceptable and she had to to stop but would also have a bit of sympathy to her obvious pain.

I'm sorry. Your relationship is over. It's time to organise your finances and begin the process of separation.

I suspect he's trying to catch you chatting to another man, rather than for voyeuristic purposes?

This is beyond messed up. It's horrible and instrusive and bloody illegal.

He isn't filming her, he's sound recording.

I really do appreciate all of your replies and accept your opinions, I know what I did was wrong.. and believe me there is a part of me that feels well it's what I deserve after what I did.

From what I've typed it does sound very much like it was swept under the carpet but that isn't fully the case, we've talked about it a lot and I know I hurt him, it certainly wasn't a quick cover up after it all came out, it took a long time for us to try again and I am well aware that I was in the wrong, I caused him hurt and pain..
I just don't see why he would continue to record me for months when all he's hearing is me sleeping

@ravenmum I really don’t think that matters and it’s a breach of personal boundaries in a place she should feel safe and by a person who should not be breaching these boundaries of consent
Essentially he hasn’t got consent to record her in any capacity

Presumably he thinks he just hasn't caught you yet, and will do eventually.
You describe yourself as feeling paranoid; he is too.

@Youreadthebabybooks Both things are a breach of privacy. I didn't say they weren't. Just clearing up some people's obvious confusion between another poster who said they were filmed, and this poster.

You text one another? ffs throw in the towel, you can't even communicate together. He doesn't trust you, what's keeping you together?

@sowo that's what I meant too, just didn't have energy to type it out.

and believe me there is a part of me that feels well it's what I deserve after what I did

You really don’t.

I just don't see why he would continue to record me for months when all he's hearing is me sleeping

It's very simple. You betrayed him and he doesn't trust you . In a way it's no different from women with cheating husbands sneaking into their phones but that seems to be OK on MN.

You don't deserve to be recorded in your bedroom secretly. Your bedroom, your home, should be a safe place. Your husband does not have the right to invade your privacy in this way, nonconsensually. Revenge is not a justification. He doesn't get to hurt you back. Feeling that he does is understandable but 'fairly' hurting each other is not a healthy loving relationship. It's gone wrong.

Is he trying to catch you masturbating? Does he have a history of enjoying porn a bit too much?

In response to the point about him texting me about the issue rather than confronting me..
I grew up in a very abusive household, I really struggle with confrontation and arguements, I very rarely loose my temper, I'm very placid and easy going, over the years my husband's way if confronting me has been via text to almost warn me I guess, after an abusive father, mentally and physically I crumble if I'm shouted at or almost jumped upon so I know it seems strange that he would text me but it's just our way, I am incredibly damaged by my childhood and all 3 of our children have austism, our daughter being the worst affected so I do have a lot going on mentally and perhaps it's not how others do their relationship but it works for us in an odd way..

OP I don't think you get what most people are trying to say.

Yes what you did was wrong. Arguably he should have left you, etc. No excuses.

But what he has done in response (if you can call it a response - it's so far outside normal that I'm not even sure you can even link the two logically really) is outside of the norm. Way way outside, to the point where it's recognised beyond the 'rules' of a relationship (he is breaking the law quite seriously).

This isn't something you can even begin to justify as something caused by your actions. No normal person does this. He isn't normal and he wasn't before your text relationship, even if he seemed it. This action hasn't grown out of what you did, it's a serious indicator that there is something fundamentally wrong with him, he isn't normal or safe and you need to get away from him.

If you can find the phone, please take it. Check that there are recordings on it, and hide it. If you still have evidence such as blu-tak in place, photograph it. Then go to the police, report him and ask that they remove him from the house to give you time to check for devices. Then see a solicitor. You may not want to prosecute him, but having this evidence and thus a threat hanging over him - of public humiliation as well as a potential fine/sentence - will hopefully make him more amenable on finances and child care stuff.

And divorce him. He is not a normal or nice person and you need to get away from him.

None of the important, serious bits of this have anything to do with you texting someone else. This is a different ballpark altogether.

Your emotional affair did more damage than you orginally thought perhaps. If he has convinced himself you are still being unfaithful you realistically cannot prove otherwise. Has he put a tracker on your car? Does he know what you do at work, at the shops, a tracker would tell him where you are and when. A lady on here recently found a tracker system her OH had bought for a car, she never said if she managed to find the tracker, they are small.

At best you both need marriage counselling if you want to stay together. Infidelity does do strange awful things to peoples peace of mind.

@Yawnfest that was my first thought, that it was somehow sexual.. I honestly don't know what he's trying to hear..

Thinking back a few weeks I do think now he may of recorded me because he made a comment about me obviously being in the mood the previous night but having to wait till the morning, I'd tried to initiate sex but he was tired, he's been working through the whole Corona thing, anyway I went up to bed and well sorted myself out and we ended up having sex the following morning and he made that comment that afternoon.. god I feel like I'm thinking too much about everything he's said to me recently.. I really do feel paranoid..

It's very simple. You betrayed him and he doesn't trust you . In a way it's no different from women with cheating husbands sneaking into their phones but that seems to be OK on MN.

I disagree quite strongly with this. The two things aren't the same at all. Looking through someone's phone is a crappy thing to do. Recording someone in this way is illegal. You're comparing apples with oranges and coming out with grapes and blaming OP for her DH's bullshit (and lets not forget illegal) actions.

OP you made a shitty choice, as humans often do, but life has to go on; your DH chose to push forward and continue living with you in a relationship. Therefore he does not get to continually punish you, not in any way. It's almost as though he's gaslighting you on top of the fucked-up recording; you've known something was up and not been able to work it out. He absolutely does not have the right to do this and I don't give a shit about what you've done previously - nothing gives him this right.

I agree with FizzyGreenWater. Go to the police and divorce him. He's not going to stop, and his behaviour is seriously abnormal.

OP, is he aware what he's doing is a crime and you could report him for it? Tell him you re considering ringing the police.

If you cheat in any form and it's decided to be put to bed then you don't get to punish that person for ever. Its shit or get off the pot.

Personally I would call a day on this relationship in your shoes. Once the trust stays gone it's over. Once the checking up starts then it's over. Recording is unforgivable.