Found out husband has Hidden phone in bedroom to record me..

[Failing366]

Well the title says it all really, my husband has been hiding a second phone in the bedroom to record me...

Backstory.. we've been together for 17 years, 3 children. We've had our issues over the years, the main one being around 5 years ago I got close to an old friend, only via messages we never met up or saw each other, i won't lie and say there wasn't sexual talk because there was but it was more having someone to talk to who I guess gave me attention. Husband found out by logging into my Facebook/ messenger and it caused a lot of trouble, we talked and decided the marriage was worth saving and apart from one incident a few months after I stopped contact with the other guy every things been fine, that inicident was him hiding his phone under our bed to record me on the phone, we discussed how that was out of order and to be honest it hasn't been mentioned again..

Fast forward five years...

Just before Xmas I'd visited my family and when I came home I noticed all my things had been looked through, like drawers all messy jewelry boxes moved, just really obvious someone had been going through my things, I asked him and he denied doing it, the next day when j went up to bed I saw a reflection in the glass on his drawers, it was his phone, hidden on a shelf at the top of our bed and it was recording, the voice recorder on.. tbh I didn't do anything that night, but over the next few days things were frosty, he eventually texted me to ask what was wrong and I'd told him that I'd found his phone recording and he denied all knowledge, said it must have been a mistake, I made a point of saying how it made me feel so disrespected and that it was out of order recording me and he again said he hadn't, well things slowly got back to normal until I got an notification saying someone had logged into my Facebook and messenger, I was able to log him out, I know it was him as it says the phone and where they are, anyway I logged him out and confronted him, he denied it being him, swore blind he didn't do it..

So over the last few months I've been finding blobs of bluetac stuck to our bed, always on my side, tbh it's had me paranoid, I know he's been recording me but I've not had the proof until last night when I found his phone stuck to the bed with the voice recorder on..

Well I kinda lost it, I'll admit, I took his pillows and his phone downstairs and told him the sofa was his new home.. yet again I asked why he thought he could record me and how upset it makes me that he's been doing it and denying so, he barely said anything, just the usual, firstly he denied it, he did end up admitting it but no reasons..

I asked if it were a sexual thing, I dunno some new kink which is totally unacceptable but it would explain and he said it wasn't.. he won't give any reasons why he's doing it or even acknowledge how upset I am by this..

Am I over reacting? Is it acceptable to record your wife without her knowledge?

I find it so disrespectful and I'm hurt that he's obviously been doing this for months now, I have absolutely nothing to hide, since the situation five years ago I hand on heart haven't spoken to another man, I mean I don't even really have friends as the one friend I did have he used to show up at the coffee shop when we would meet, I feel like Im so seperated from friends and family for him and he still thinks it acceptable to record me.. I don't even feel safe in my own home now, I feel paranoid that he's recording me in other places than the bedroom..
What can I do? What reasons does he have for doing this?

Take your time to sort out how to leave this relationship. Do you receive benefits like child benefit or universal credit. Do you have a joint bank account or know anything about his wages and bank accounts. How do you manage day to day expenses like food and bills.

Have you thought about contacting Women's aid, or something similar? They would be able to help you get more support, and give advice on what to do moving forward.

I am so sorry you're going through this. Please try to not get all tied up worrying about the future. Take it one step at a time. Look after yourself and your children. Then speak to people who can help you

Not read the full thread but I don't get what he's thinking he'll discover by recording you? If you were texting or facebooking someone it wouldn't be picked up on a voice recording. Is he hoping to catch you talking on the phone? It's really really bizarre behaviour that makes no sense to me.

But a huge invasion of your privacy whatever his reasoning.

Honestly I think you need to split. You cheated, he spied on you. Both were wrong but the end result is that the trust is gone. He rightly doesn't trust that you wont cheat again and you rightly dont trust him to respect your privacy. This relationship is dead in the water and has been for a long time. It's not healthy for either of you. He's paranoid, you're paranoid and neither of you are happy.

Hi OP. I have just read your last response and I think suggesting separation at this stage is unrealistic and unnecessary. I am divorced myself, but before we got to that stage we went to counselling and it was through that I realised our differences were irreconcilable.

You really are in control of the situation now, as you are aware of your husband's behaviour. I would recommend taking your time, but for a start I would tell your husband that you know what he is doing and that it must stop immediately.

I admire your strength in bringing up three children, two with special needs. Your worries about the future are understandable, but as the main carer for your children, any settlements will be made to ensure their lives are disrupted as little as possible. Take care and good luck.

For those who are saying it’s understandable,no it isn’t.

If the OP texting had happened a few weeks ago then it would be understandable, but it’s been five years.

There is no excuse for that. None.And I would say exactly the same if it was a woman.

The OP and her husband tried to move on. he chose to stay with the OP, that means he has to move forward,not that it’s his right to spy on her whenever and wherever he wants.

Finding out a partner has been in any way unfaithful doesn’t mean that person loses all right to privacy and you have the right to spy on them for the rest of their life.

And tbh if this is the kind of person he is then it’s not hard to see how the OP got close to someone else.

I completely agree with AlternativePerspective it's been half a bloody decade since the OP had an emotional affair. Her husband has no justification for his behaviour at all. OP is not to blame for his actions.

Not defending DH, but maybe from his perspective, he’s had some mental trauma from it maybe. Maybe he’s insecure about it. We don’t know the full story apart from what’s been said by OP

Honestly, some of you are far to dismissive in regards to what is causing his behaviour. I think we can all agree he is going to far with this, he does need help. Fact of the matter though is that the OP has responsibility in this as well and this has become the far fetched consequences of her actions. Strictly speaking, if she has nothing to hide why is she "hiding", my OH has full access to everything, my choice and for me it is the right one. This is not the case for the OP though, her DH has no real reason to trust her even after 5 years. I believe that a vicious circle is in play now with her wanting to protect her privacy and this makes him more suspicious so he is "justified" because she is being paranoid as he is being paranoid. Her staying home with the kids does mean there is less of a chance for OP to meet someone and start another affair. Could look at it as his defence mechanism, trying to protect himself from more hurt and from loosing his family. He need therapy end of and OP needs to open up to the fact she has done some real damage here, 5 years or 5 minutes means nothing to someone who is hurting and it takes a lot of work to get out of such a situation.

Do you have family or friends irl who could help you.

How do you separate?

First off, keep quiet (to him) about your intentions.

If there is someone you trust implicitly (and I mean that seriously) consider confiding in them. Emotional support is helpful. But you must be absolutely sure they will tell no one.

Become knowledgeable about your family's finances. Know where the money is and how much there is.

Contact Women's Aid

Contact a solicitor and be completely honest about your situation.

Form a plan following advice from WA.

@ Needtheadvice nice bit of victim blaming there.

No the OP isn’t in any way responsible for the way he is behaving. Deciding to hide her passwords etc is in response to the fact he decided to log into her accounts and check up on what she was doing.

I’ve been there.My eXH did exactly the same,except he dropped bits into conversation which he could only have known from things I’d said to people online. Perfectly innocuous bits of conversation but things he would only have known by looking.I changed my passwords one morning all in one go,and of course he couldn’t do a thing about it because he would then have had to admit that he’d been looking in the first place.

everyone has a right to privacy,even within a marriage.And if you’ve reached the point of needing to snoop then the marriage is over,and yes,that equally applies to women on here who are advised to do so.

In my H’s case I challenged him,and he admitted that he hadn’t found anything. So I asked him when he was going to log out of my accounts then and he didn’t answer me.Instead he installed keyloggers on the computer,bugged the house,tracked my phone.

You see the point is that when someone snoops on someone else, if they don’t find anything then they will go to more and more extremes to prove that they’re justified. But they’re not justified.

If you have that level of mistrust in your partner then the marriage is over.

And the OP changing her passwords is not mistrust, it’s protecting herself from being violated. She has a right to that.

5 years is quite sometime, but perhaps it wasn't dealt with properly at the time. I also noticed, that you say yiy got close to someone, which involved sexual texts ..that's an emotional affair...you avoided saying that and it sounds like minimising what you did.

Recording you at this point so long afterwards seems strange.... unless he feels your behaviour has changed and its triggered him..he wants to see if something is going on. He may attribute a change in behaviour to your past affair, but it could simply be the stress of lockdown life.

I would ask him for the truth about why he's done it, or he will remain on the sofa till further notice.

It is wrong to do this...no question at all..just as it's wrong to put a VAR in your spouses car...but people want to confirm their suspicions...they don't want to end their marriage on a hunch.

The fact that he had the phone where he couldn't see you on the recording, makes me think he suspects you're talking to someone, rather than for his own sexual purposes. I don't see this as vouyerism with the positioning of the phone...something else is going on in his head.

Great Post @AcrossthePond55

Some of you need to RTFT.

Next time just pretend to phone the police and report it. Make lots of comments like yes I know it's illegal.. yes I think I would like to press charges. What evidence do I need.. etc etc. Fucker. Mess with his head, he deserves it. Then leave probably. Because what he's doing it seriously wrong

Update..
Firstly I want to say I totally understand those who have posted in support of my husband, those thoughts have gone through my mind too, I know what I did was an emotional affair, I know what damage I caused and I've worked hard in the last five years to make up for that, I am well aware I am to blame for this but that still doesn't make it right.. he was asked outright if he was recording me, he denied it fully knowing my thoughts in the matter, he still went on to continue recording me, I know I may have caused him damage from my actions but to continue to do something you have been told makes your wife feel sick and disrespected i just can't understand..

I have spoken to him about it, I have also recorded the conversation but made him fully aware i was doing so.
As predicted he didn't really answer any of my questions, he admits to doing it, he also promised it was only of an evening and in no other way but he can't even say what he was expecting to hear..
I asked if it went back to the very first time he recorded me after the texting the other guy, he hid his phone under our bed and recorded me, he said it didn't all go back to that time..
I just don't know what to think, I'm sitting in front of him in tears almost begging for answers and he doesn't say anything, just mutters yesses and no's..
I told him I felt so disgusted in him and he couldn't even look at me, which makes me think he does feel bad about it but not bad enough to give me an explanation..

I've just left him downstairs and gotten in bed and he's texted me to say that even though I don't feel it he does love me very much.. I mean that's more words in that text than he said to my face...

Here we go... Women's aid (check) abusive (check) LTB (check) what you have to remember op is this is your life. Divorcing someone in real life especially where kids and finances are concerned is seriously big stuff. Life changing. People on here are quick to trot out that tune but on reality we all have flaws and have all behaved morally wrong in our marriages at some point. People shout, people withdraw sex, pester for sex, people may have called the odd name. Stormed out, stonewalled, bloody gaslit I'm sure at some points. HOWEVER it's whether these isolated bad behaviours form a longstanding pattern that separates it as abuse. So onto your situation.... Your dhs behaviour is weird and I'd hate it. Truthfully... I don't think he trusts you. Very likely because of your emotional affair. It's obviously scarred him. His reaction is not normal and he needs help with that. Would you be willing to seek help together before calling an end to the marriage?

@Brownyblond I honestly don't know, I wanted to do therapy five years ago, I felt like he only agreed to it because it's what people did, we never got round to the first session as he always had excuses, I did question it at one point and he said he didn't feel like we needed therapy, I guess I was feeling happy that he'd forgiven me I didn't push it.. I just don't see him being willing to talk to a therapist when he won't even talk to me..

If he can't give you any answers, there's really no hope for you both.
He knows why he's doing it, he just refuses to tell you.

That would just about make me shut down any feelings for him.

I don't know where you go from here tbh. Lack of trust and lack of truth are a disaster.

I think he is recording you because doing so gives him a sense of control and ownership over you (although he may not have consciously recognised or or examined this)
I think he won't answer your questions because he is afronted at being challenged when he feels he should be able to do as he pleases, his anger rises and he stonewalls you.

Read this to see if you recognise him in any of the "Why does he do that?" profiles..
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

He's very controlling
It doesn't even link to texting the other guy, how would he know if you were texting through a voice recording anyway?
Can you call womens aid somewhere he can't overhear you?

Emotionally scarred? Ffs no one died and it gets to the point where if your going to forgive forget and move on you need to forgive forget and move on you cant keep digging stuff up for years especially as he has checked repeatedly and found nothing he needs to stop this behaviour it's illegal for a reason not even a full blown affair justifies this kind of behaviour

He left for work early this morning so I haven't seen him but I did just get a text from him, he said that after having time to think he realises why he's doing it, he said that he feels I'm never open with him about my feelings and that he feels he needs to be crafty to find out how I'm feeling, I don't really understand what he means, he said that the last few months all I've done is moan at him and snap and that sex is non existent which isn't true at all, well I don't feel it's true, I don't want to get into a text argument so I've not replied..
I mean yeah it's been a really tough few.months for us, with our children's needs and then lockdown on top of everything so I may have been a bit snappy or moaning but quite honestly that's because the vast majority of parenting is left to me, I'm allowed to be frustrated at times surely..
I just feel his text this morning just doesn't tie in with what he's been doing, I feel like he's had the night to think of something to say and he's now trying to blame me for not being open with him..

He does something outrageous, you complain, he turns it round on you, and decides the solution to his outrageously bad behaviour is for you to be sweeter to him, never complain and give him more blowjobs. Awesome. Is this a common pattern if you call him out?