Found out husband has Hidden phone in bedroom to record me..

[Failing366]

Well the title says it all really, my husband has been hiding a second phone in the bedroom to record me...

Backstory.. we've been together for 17 years, 3 children. We've had our issues over the years, the main one being around 5 years ago I got close to an old friend, only via messages we never met up or saw each other, i won't lie and say there wasn't sexual talk because there was but it was more having someone to talk to who I guess gave me attention. Husband found out by logging into my Facebook/ messenger and it caused a lot of trouble, we talked and decided the marriage was worth saving and apart from one incident a few months after I stopped contact with the other guy every things been fine, that inicident was him hiding his phone under our bed to record me on the phone, we discussed how that was out of order and to be honest it hasn't been mentioned again..

Fast forward five years...

Just before Xmas I'd visited my family and when I came home I noticed all my things had been looked through, like drawers all messy jewelry boxes moved, just really obvious someone had been going through my things, I asked him and he denied doing it, the next day when j went up to bed I saw a reflection in the glass on his drawers, it was his phone, hidden on a shelf at the top of our bed and it was recording, the voice recorder on.. tbh I didn't do anything that night, but over the next few days things were frosty, he eventually texted me to ask what was wrong and I'd told him that I'd found his phone recording and he denied all knowledge, said it must have been a mistake, I made a point of saying how it made me feel so disrespected and that it was out of order recording me and he again said he hadn't, well things slowly got back to normal until I got an notification saying someone had logged into my Facebook and messenger, I was able to log him out, I know it was him as it says the phone and where they are, anyway I logged him out and confronted him, he denied it being him, swore blind he didn't do it..

So over the last few months I've been finding blobs of bluetac stuck to our bed, always on my side, tbh it's had me paranoid, I know he's been recording me but I've not had the proof until last night when I found his phone stuck to the bed with the voice recorder on..

Well I kinda lost it, I'll admit, I took his pillows and his phone downstairs and told him the sofa was his new home.. yet again I asked why he thought he could record me and how upset it makes me that he's been doing it and denying so, he barely said anything, just the usual, firstly he denied it, he did end up admitting it but no reasons..

I asked if it were a sexual thing, I dunno some new kink which is totally unacceptable but it would explain and he said it wasn't.. he won't give any reasons why he's doing it or even acknowledge how upset I am by this..

Am I over reacting? Is it acceptable to record your wife without her knowledge?

I find it so disrespectful and I'm hurt that he's obviously been doing this for months now, I have absolutely nothing to hide, since the situation five years ago I hand on heart haven't spoken to another man, I mean I don't even really have friends as the one friend I did have he used to show up at the coffee shop when we would meet, I feel like Im so seperated from friends and family for him and he still thinks it acceptable to record me.. I don't even feel safe in my own home now, I feel paranoid that he's recording me in other places than the bedroom..
What can I do? What reasons does he have for doing this?

Did he mention what he is going to do to ensure that you feel safe to open up to him and how he will stop/start doing the things that you "moan" about? Or was it just a list of what you have to do better so he doesn't act like an utter dickwad?

Well you've both made an effort to get over your emotional affair and it hasn't worked. Your H doesn't trust you and never will I'm afraid. There's nothing else either of you can do except end it.

@TorkTorkBam the more I think about it yes it Is his usual comeback to any issues we've had, it's normally all about me and how cold I am because of (in his words) my upbringing..
I wanted to reply and ask what he plans to do to make me feel more comfortable opening up to him (about what I don't know!) But I just don't want to discuss this over text but that's his way, when we talk face to face he's so rude, he doesn't even look at me half the time and he just grunts and makes it obvious he doesn't want to be talking to me.. sometimes I wonder if he has communication issues which is ironic as that's what he seems to think I have..

It is out of order. Your husband agreed to give the marriage a go and by doing this he is contradicting everything.

So his response was that of an abuser - “look what you made me do.”

And it’s nonsensical - does he expect you to go to bed and monologue?

Text him back, now that you've have his consented recording admitting what he did if he does it again you'll be ringing the police.

In the meantime, work out a way to end this sham of a marriage OP. Your kids deserve better than this.

Wait, so he refuses to talk, grunts and is rude then has the audacity to suggest that you have trouble communicating. You said you panic when you have to have difficult conversations hence he is being kind by texting. No wonder you have issues with difficult conversations if he behaves like an utter bellend during them. Anybody would start to be anxious at the mere thought of it, history of abuse or not!

You don't need to respond to his list of accusations either in person or by text. It is an attempted diversion from his behaviour. Don't take the bait. At most say, "noted".

Bring it back to his behaviour. Message him back ignoring all the diversionary smoke. "Do not record me without my knowledge ever again. Do you promise to stop immediately and forever?"

Abusive creep. Ltb

None of his ‘reasons’ for doing it explain why he’s recording you though, do they?

He’s trying to divert your attention away from what he’s been doing.

Don’t fall for that shit!

He texted you to imply its all your fault. How can recording you in secret reveal what you think about him. Seriously he is mesding with your head.

I would reply to his text and tell him what you have said here

I mean yeah it's been a really tough few months for us, with our children's needs and then lockdown on top of everything so I may have been a bit snappy or moaning but quite honestly that's because the vast majority of parenting is left to me, I'm allowed to be frustrated at times surely.. And add but instead of actually helping you illegally recorded me. And that by making the choice to illegally record me, show me that you do not trust or love me and I am seriously thinking about where we go from here.

Do not try and shift the blame for your behaviour onto me.

• showed me

Now he's trying to swing it round to being all your fault and you ''made'' him do it.. You didn't make him do this, you've tried to tell him how you feel and this just resulted in him being nasty. All via text, which is so easy as he then leaves you to stew in it. He's exploiting what he knows to be a weak spot for you owing to your past (which he now throws in your face). On top of all this he projects his onwn failure to communicate reasonably on you... Don't fall for it! this is typical abuser behaviour.

I agree with others that you want to report him to the police. This is the first step to validating your experience. You shouldn't have to live like this. It only makes it harder to cope with all the rest you have with the children. This isn't healthy for you or the children.

Wow, it's very hard to be open with someone when they are abusive and yes recording you without your consent is abuse suggest he checks his film recording for the amount of times you had sex (ok dont do that but I bloody would)

Honestly you need out he doesnt respect you and justifies his behaviour by blaming you

What ARE you getting out of this? Financial security? You would get that without him being there

What am I getting out of this? Good question really, all I've ever wanted is a family where mum and dad stay together and raise their kids happily, I guess I've let him get away with a lot over the years in the search of the perfect family..
I dont know what I get from being with him, I feel like a lot of what you all have said has really opened my eyes, it's like I'm seeing him for who he really is and quite honestly I feel a bit pathetic that it's taken him recording me for me to see him for what he really is..

I do worry about finances, he's had problems bin the past with debts and if I'm honest I don't know the full extent of his final situation, we do have a good life, he earns a good amount and I don't have that need to work, I know I'm lucky in that sense and I really don't want to come across as snobby but the thought of raising my children on benefits just terrifys me, I'm sorry if that offends anyone, I don't mean to but I'm scared if I leave him how do I continue the life my children are used too, is it fair to them that they have to suffer because I choose to leave him.. god I just don't know what to think..

Do you claim DLA for the children? If they have additional needs they are entitled to they money for there own help and support

I'm currently on benefits (since August) but because I've got one on high rate DLA I can claim carers I will be going back to work but only part time full time working is too hard for me dealing with their needs too

Its hard but doable

Personally I would not be able to live in your current situation (stressing again it's me and my opinion)

I would rather my kids had a happy mom (although I'm fucking miserable arse today) than a permanent sad one because kids do know

If youre unhappy then the dc will know. They can be financially supported by him plus there will be a time you may want to go back to work. While he is out why dont you take the opportunity to look through the finances which is something you should know about anyway really.

He sounds like a Trump press conference. Deflecting the blame for his actions onto others and refusing to accept responsibility for his actions.

Yes, you screwed up all those years ago. But you've walked the straight and narrow and done your best for the marriage. He, on the other hand, has never let go of the past and continues to punish you for it. There's no law saying that cheating (of any kind) must be forgiven, BUT if you say you forgive and want to stay together then walk the walk, don't just talk the talk. He's not doing that.

Is this really the way you want to live for the next 20, 30, 40 years? Because he's never going to let go his suspicions. They may 'die down' at times (or he just gets sneakier) but they will always rear their ugly heads from time to time. It'll be rather like picking your way through a mine field. Just because you made a mistake it doesn't follow that you deserve to be punished for the rest of your life. When there is infidelity, either party has the option to choose whether or not to leave. If one chooses to stay, one needs to keep their part of the bargain.

As far as your children, what they deserve above all is to have two happy parents and peaceful home(s). Sometimes that means two homes and those parents not living together. Do you really think your children will be better off living in a 'nice home' etc with two unhappy parents rather than living in a 'less nice home' but in peace and calm? I don't.

@slipperywhensparticus yes both are in reciept of DLA, one middle rate and one high rate both get low mobility. And I receive careers allowance, that's all in place which is a relief.
You're absolutely right in saying they deserve a happy mum, I am seriously considering ending this marriage, I just don't see how I can ever trust him or feel safe in my own home anymore, I won't lie I'm absolutely petrified and have no idea how to move forward and actually seperate but I don't think there's any going back after this, like someone said earlier on on this thread I need to gather up my self respect and get out of this marriage..

@AcrossthePond55 thank you.. you've really given me so much to think about in all of your replies, you are so right, everything you've just said is right and I know that deep down it's just being brave and actually leaving him, it's so scary..

Yes, it surely is scary, I won't deny that, Failing.

But nothing worth doing is without risk or fear. And it's rather like jumping off the high dive for the first time on a very hot day. You stand there at the edge of the board and see the cool refreshing water below you. You want to jump into that water, you know how nice it will feel. But you are scared of 'the unknown' of jumping. Eventually you buck up your courage and you take that 'leap of faith'. A brief moment of 'falling' and panic and then you are in the cool, clear, refreshing water and out of the terrible heat.

No one is saying you have to 'jump' out of this marriage without planning a careful exit. Contact WA and a solicitor. It may very well be that you can't leave until this lockdown is over (unless you have family to go to). But you can use this time to gather information and make plans.

So he's basically blamed you op

I've just demanded that he gives me the second phone, I just don't think I'll ever fully trust him to either not record me again or get rid of the phone himself so I said I wanted it so I could dispose of it myself.
As someone pointed out I'm kind of limited with what I can do due to lockdown, he's going to have to stay in the house for the next few weeks if not months and i need to be certain he isn't recording me hence asking for the phone. He has read the text message but hasn't replied, I have a feeling he won't give it me though.

I've spent the afternoon familiarising myself with our finances, I've access to most things apart from his own bank account, we have a joint account for all the bills and he has a seperate account for daily spends, I feel much more knowledge about money now, I've also looked at the entitled to page and feel a bit more educated on benefits.

Look up the CMS Calculator and the benefits calculator. Find out what you have in terms of assets, savings and pensions (broadly speaking half is yours even if in his name alone). You might not be as badly off as you think.

Send a message telling him to never spy on you again and make sure you get a reply. This is your insurance in case you ever need police or evidence for the courts. When you have it, pretend you are back in your box, play the doormat now he has promised to play nice.

Then while faking doormat find as much financial info as possible and book a session with a solicitor. Ideally one who specialises in abuse / domestic violence / coercive control. They'll know how to handle a spying spouse and will know how to plan for such tactics in the divorce. You might have to wait a while for an appointment at the moment so get the appointment booked soon.