Found out husband has Hidden phone in bedroom to record me..

[Failing366]

Well the title says it all really, my husband has been hiding a second phone in the bedroom to record me...

Backstory.. we've been together for 17 years, 3 children. We've had our issues over the years, the main one being around 5 years ago I got close to an old friend, only via messages we never met up or saw each other, i won't lie and say there wasn't sexual talk because there was but it was more having someone to talk to who I guess gave me attention. Husband found out by logging into my Facebook/ messenger and it caused a lot of trouble, we talked and decided the marriage was worth saving and apart from one incident a few months after I stopped contact with the other guy every things been fine, that inicident was him hiding his phone under our bed to record me on the phone, we discussed how that was out of order and to be honest it hasn't been mentioned again..

Fast forward five years...

Just before Xmas I'd visited my family and when I came home I noticed all my things had been looked through, like drawers all messy jewelry boxes moved, just really obvious someone had been going through my things, I asked him and he denied doing it, the next day when j went up to bed I saw a reflection in the glass on his drawers, it was his phone, hidden on a shelf at the top of our bed and it was recording, the voice recorder on.. tbh I didn't do anything that night, but over the next few days things were frosty, he eventually texted me to ask what was wrong and I'd told him that I'd found his phone recording and he denied all knowledge, said it must have been a mistake, I made a point of saying how it made me feel so disrespected and that it was out of order recording me and he again said he hadn't, well things slowly got back to normal until I got an notification saying someone had logged into my Facebook and messenger, I was able to log him out, I know it was him as it says the phone and where they are, anyway I logged him out and confronted him, he denied it being him, swore blind he didn't do it..

So over the last few months I've been finding blobs of bluetac stuck to our bed, always on my side, tbh it's had me paranoid, I know he's been recording me but I've not had the proof until last night when I found his phone stuck to the bed with the voice recorder on..

Well I kinda lost it, I'll admit, I took his pillows and his phone downstairs and told him the sofa was his new home.. yet again I asked why he thought he could record me and how upset it makes me that he's been doing it and denying so, he barely said anything, just the usual, firstly he denied it, he did end up admitting it but no reasons..

I asked if it were a sexual thing, I dunno some new kink which is totally unacceptable but it would explain and he said it wasn't.. he won't give any reasons why he's doing it or even acknowledge how upset I am by this..

Am I over reacting? Is it acceptable to record your wife without her knowledge?

I find it so disrespectful and I'm hurt that he's obviously been doing this for months now, I have absolutely nothing to hide, since the situation five years ago I hand on heart haven't spoken to another man, I mean I don't even really have friends as the one friend I did have he used to show up at the coffee shop when we would meet, I feel like Im so seperated from friends and family for him and he still thinks it acceptable to record me.. I don't even feel safe in my own home now, I feel paranoid that he's recording me in other places than the bedroom..
What can I do? What reasons does he have for doing this?

It is scary @Failing366 but also empowering when you take a little step at a time. Go at your own pace, it isnt easy but you decide now what you will and wont accept. You are now in control, an all of a sudden you may find it all becomes less fearful and much clearer.

Send him a message saying if he won't give you the phone you at least need his promise that he won't spy on you any more. This is so you have on record:
His admission of spying.
Your clear instruction to stop spying.
His promise to stop spying.

Then when he spies again, as you know he will, you are in a stronger legal and moral position.

Good on you for educating yourself! Now, keep screenshots or record down the account numbers etc.

Remember that even if he gives you the 2nd phone, he can always get another one easily enough.

Agree you're probably stuck with him for the duration of the lockdown. Unless he has family that would be willing to take him in. However, I have a feeling that he'd probably refuse to go.

You'll need to decide whether or not you want to safeguard your secrecy by living in the 'status quo' until the lockdown is over or whether you want to (or can) blow the lid off by carving out a separate life for yourself within the house; separate rooms (or beds), no more 'domestic services' for him, separate finances, etc. There are positives and negatives to either situation. It's all about which one will serve your purpose until this is over.

Good update op. Like a pp says either screenshot or write down bank account details including his own and keep it safe or send to a trusted family or friend. Get details of benefits you both claim, mortgage, council tax. Anything money related.

If he gives you his phone dont chuck it away. Keep it safe. It will have a history of him recording you. If you go out see if you can go to boots and ask for a consultation room. That is their safe space.

Op, you know what you have to do.

You said earlier in this thread that you instructed sex and wanted him to come to bed. He says no. You then masturbated and went to sleep. The following morning he KNEW what you had done and very likely that is why he wanted sex in the morning. He has listened to you every time you have touched yourself. You said he tried to buy a camera. You know in your heart what this was for. This is most definitely sexual and has likely come about as him sitting and liking the feeling of control and invasion of privacy that is given him. I'm sure I read about rapists often starting as peeping toms.

If I was you, I would be inspecting every inch of the bedroom. EVERYWHERE. My son said that all camera lenses, even tiny ones are very highly reflective so if you have a torch and hold it at eye level as you sweep the room, they should be easy to find. I would check my bedroom, bathroom and my children's rooms too. And then I would be ringing the police.

I know you are scared. But what you did by having an emotional affair was at worst, immoral. You apologised and he accepted and moved forward. What he is doing is highly illegal. You confronted him repeatedly and he still persists. Listens to you walking. Maybe watched you in the shower or dressing too.

Call the police. Please.

@IAmReportingYouForBBQing god when I read that I'm filled with fear, it almost doesn't seem like that's my life yet I know it is..
I think deep down I do believe there's a sexual element to it even though he denies this, I have checked the bedroom, I did read myself about shining a torch around, to be honest there isn't much in our room that he could hide a camera so I'm pretty sure there isn't one in there though I do think he did plan to put one in there, I have checked and will keep checking.
Personally I dont want him in my bedroom at all @AcrossthePond55 so we will absolutely be starting living seperatly whilst he's still here, he doesn't really have family where he could go as his folks have just downsized to a small flat and as they're in the vulnerable category he wouldn't risk going there as like I've said he's still working throughout the lockdown, so he will be here for some time yet which isn't ideal as we don't have a spare bedroom so he's sleeping on the sofa, thankfully he's been known to do that so the children won't ask too many questions, he works shifts and our daughter has sleep issues and he often wakes her at 4am by going to work so he does sleep downstairs at times so it should work out him doing that, I just don't really want him going in our bedroom, i don't trust him in there so I'm going to ask him to move his clothes out of there which I don't think will go down well but I actually don't care, I feel with all the support I've had in here and actually doing research about what my future could look like I actually feel quite strong at the moment, still scared but strong at the same the same time..

There must be something rewarding that kept him recording for so long. If it was just going to be someone falling asleep, he would have given up after a few days.

@Melroses exactly.. he says he doesn't know why he carried on recording me and then he turns round to say that he did it because he thought he would some how hear what I'm feeling, I mean I still don't understand that one.. there is a reason he carried on recording me and he won't say, its totally messed up, not knowing why he recorded me or what he was hoping to hear is like mental torture, I just wish he would say why he did it..

Let him record again. Find the phone. Keep the phone. Without breathing a word of it. Deny all knowledge, just like he does, if mentioned. Keep it for evidence, after downloading anything he could delete remotely.

not knowing why he recorded me or what he was hoping to hear is like mental torture, I just wish he would say why he did it

Well, the denials, the obvious bluetac etc would rather point to the reason being to subject you to mental torture. He is doing a really good job of it.

Are you def sure you haven't slept talked previously and thats what he's trying to record - something incriminating in your sleep. Fucked up, I know x

From an outsider

You had an emotional affair

It upset your DH, he provides for the family, he probably felt angry, disappointed, upset

As an act of revenge he is spying on you & you now feel angry, disappointed, upset in return

The relationship has come to an end

You need to separate

@Onesipmore I mean I've never been told that I sleep talk but I guess anything is possible.. and that actually makes sense as to why he would have a phone recording right before I go to bed, well actually nothing makes sense does it but that could be an actual reason...

Is it possible he is doing it to mess with your head? It seems like he does load of other things to scramble your brain? Why not this?

@TorkTorkBam I'm not sure of anything at the moment, he could be doing it to mess with my head which is something I once thought he'd never do but I'm seeing a different side to him now and nothing surprises me..

He got home from work a short while ago and he's giving me the cold shoulder, came in and showered straight away (hygiene routine as he's in a key worker role temporarily) and then he talks to the children like nothings happened but it's obvious he's not talking to me, I need to mention the phone again but I feel like it could all blow up if I do..

He is giving YOU the cold shoulder. My god he has a nerve.

That would be the last straw for me. I would be on the phone to the police about the secret recordings immediately.

You even know you have to cave, this bizarre head fuckery is so normal to you. Scary.

You'd probably apologise if he punched you if he then said he felt you deserved it and then he sulked if you insisted it were his fault.

You should be the one starting the blow up! Or the one pointedly giving him the cold shoulder.

Just ignore him. Dont mention the phone tonight. It will just start another argument. I would be the one sleeping in the lounge. You can settle down. Watch tv and keep out of his way and its maybe less likely to be bugged than the bedroom.

Why do you need to mention the phone again? What's the goal?

Sorry but I don’t care if you’ve had 10 affairs. What is is going is illegal and totally fucked up!! Run for the hills !!!!

*what he is doing

How did you resist the temptation to give him something really dramatic to listen to? After all he would hardly be able to challenge you without admitting he was recording you!

@TorkTorkBam he didn't reply earlier when I texted to say I wanted the second phone, I was going to ask him about it as I know he'll just ignore it if I don't bring it up again, I just want the phone, I can't stand the thought of him in the house and me not knowing where the other phone is

I think deep down I do believe there's a sexual element to it even though he denies this,

I still think it was to spy on you in general OP, what with how he is about the external cameras and turning up places. I suppose it could be a bit of both.

he turns round to say that he did it because he thought he would some how hear what I'm feeling, I mean I still don't understand that one.

That's because it's bollox and lies to try and deflect from how bad what he did really is, and you know it.