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Original poster

Found out husband has Hidden phone in bedroom to record me..

248 replies

Failing366 · 03/05/2020 15:20

Well the title says it all really, my husband has been hiding a second phone in the bedroom to record me...

Backstory.. we've been together for 17 years, 3 children. We've had our issues over the years, the main one being around 5 years ago I got close to an old friend, only via messages we never met up or saw each other, i won't lie and say there wasn't sexual talk because there was but it was more having someone to talk to who I guess gave me attention. Husband found out by logging into my Facebook/ messenger and it caused a lot of trouble, we talked and decided the marriage was worth saving and apart from one incident a few months after I stopped contact with the other guy every things been fine, that inicident was him hiding his phone under our bed to record me on the phone, we discussed how that was out of order and to be honest it hasn't been mentioned again..

Fast forward five years...

Just before Xmas I'd visited my family and when I came home I noticed all my things had been looked through, like drawers all messy jewelry boxes moved, just really obvious someone had been going through my things, I asked him and he denied doing it, the next day when j went up to bed I saw a reflection in the glass on his drawers, it was his phone, hidden on a shelf at the top of our bed and it was recording, the voice recorder on.. tbh I didn't do anything that night, but over the next few days things were frosty, he eventually texted me to ask what was wrong and I'd told him that I'd found his phone recording and he denied all knowledge, said it must have been a mistake, I made a point of saying how it made me feel so disrespected and that it was out of order recording me and he again said he hadn't, well things slowly got back to normal until I got an notification saying someone had logged into my Facebook and messenger, I was able to log him out, I know it was him as it says the phone and where they are, anyway I logged him out and confronted him, he denied it being him, swore blind he didn't do it..

So over the last few months I've been finding blobs of bluetac stuck to our bed, always on my side, tbh it's had me paranoid, I know he's been recording me but I've not had the proof until last night when I found his phone stuck to the bed with the voice recorder on..

Well I kinda lost it, I'll admit, I took his pillows and his phone downstairs and told him the sofa was his new home.. yet again I asked why he thought he could record me and how upset it makes me that he's been doing it and denying so, he barely said anything, just the usual, firstly he denied it, he did end up admitting it but no reasons..

I asked if it were a sexual thing, I dunno some new kink which is totally unacceptable but it would explain and he said it wasn't.. he won't give any reasons why he's doing it or even acknowledge how upset I am by this..

Am I over reacting? Is it acceptable to record your wife without her knowledge?

I find it so disrespectful and I'm hurt that he's obviously been doing this for months now, I have absolutely nothing to hide, since the situation five years ago I hand on heart haven't spoken to another man, I mean I don't even really have friends as the one friend I did have he used to show up at the coffee shop when we would meet, I feel like Im so seperated from friends and family for him and he still thinks it acceptable to record me.. I don't even feel safe in my own home now, I feel paranoid that he's recording me in other places than the bedroom..
What can I do? What reasons does he have for doing this?

OP posts:
Lostvoiced · 03/05/2020 17:35

Who cares why he's doing it, the point is he is doing it. He didn't do it accidentally, he made a series of disturbing choices.

Get out while you can.
If I were you I'd also get him to own up to it in some sort of provable way (text or something) so you can go to the police if his behaviour escalates.

MullinerSpec · 03/05/2020 17:37

I'm going to get blazed for this but I kind of understand why your husband did this, its out of order but so was the texting you had done with the other guy. I'm not in anyway defending your husband because it is completely wrong, but it stems from the fact that you were unfaithful, it may not have been a physical thing but a mental one non the less and that in my books is still unfaithful. I think the both of you should see a marriage councillor because its clear he hasn't got over your infidelity.

TorkTorkBam · 03/05/2020 17:46

You came from an abusive family. You wrote:
I don't even really have friends as the one friend I did have he used to show up at the coffee shop when we would meet, I feel like Im so seperated from friends and family for him

Sounds to me like you were in an abusive relationship before all this. You met someone nice and loved the niceness hence the texting. Instead of splitting up at that point you begged forgiveness and gave him a big stick to hit you with at will.

See a solicitor. Get out. This relationship is no good. Do you know how you would live your life post-divorce? What would it be like?

NoMoreDickheads · 03/05/2020 17:47

Oh man. He's doing it because he's paranoid, suspicious and controlling.

You know it's not ok. Any normal person would 'lose it' if someone did this.

I mean I don't even really have friends as the one friend I did have he used to show up at the coffee shop when we would meet

This is coercive control; abuse. Think f all the fun you could have if you left him- you could catch up with old friends and make new ones, go out and have fun.

This is not acceptable and you deserve a life. Time to leave his paranoid, controlling ass behind. xxx

SunshineCake · 03/05/2020 17:50

Fair to many excuses being made. He is sad. She was in the wrong. It does not matter. She didn't commit a crime. He is doing.

Utter bollocks all the posts trying to say they understand why he does it. Nonsense.

Be a grown up. Say you are still upset. Don't fucking spy on your wife.

randomguy12 · 03/05/2020 17:57

I know I’m late, but OP you know what to do. Your DH is completely in the wrong, even if he had reasons to do this.

I know what I’m going to say isn’t related to this post, but isn’t checking your partner’s phone just as bad as what OP’s DH did?🤔🤔

OldWomanSaysThis · 03/05/2020 17:57

You all don't trust each other. The marriage is over.

2bazookas · 03/05/2020 18:01

I'd be wondering where else in your home, car etc he is tracking and recording or filming you.

viewfromthecouch · 03/05/2020 18:01

Ewwww... he recorded you having some private time and then brought it up?

Recording in and of itself is bad enough, but to be so blatant about it. And then lie!

Police. Divorce.

InFiveMins · 03/05/2020 18:03

Haven't read the full thread but get rid. He's recording you?!?! He's a weirdo. Leave him,

SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 03/05/2020 18:04

'I know what I’m going to say isn’t related to this post, but isn’t checking your partner’s phone just as bad as what OP’s DH did?🤔🤔'

@randomguy12. No. It isn't. One is an invasion of privacy, the other is an illegal act.

cdtaylornats · 03/05/2020 18:05

Under the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act 2000 (RIPA), it is not illegal for individuals to tape conversations provided the recording is for their own use. ... Recording or monitoring is only prohibited where some of the contents of the communication are made available to a third party

What her husband is doing is most certainly not a crime.

justasking111 · 03/05/2020 18:06

Not sure there is much point checking his phone you can hide tracking apps apparently, so he could bug your phone, handbag, car, be watching/listening to every breath you take. You would not find those apps on his phone.

randomguy12 · 03/05/2020 18:07

@cdtaylornats that’s true - he certainly had a valid reason for doing so, but it’s a bit of an idiotic move. A normal person would confront her, but maybe he was looking for evidence (still unjustified I guess)

NoMoreDickheads · 03/05/2020 18:09

People are often given advice here on how to snoop

@ravenmum People don't usually go as far as advising secret recording, especially on a regular basis.

Maybe people occasionally advise it if the woman knows their husband's up to know good and just need incontrovertible evidence before filing for divorce, but even then very rarely.

He's also tried to disrupt his wife's friendships, including turning up when she's seeing a friend etc. That's not ok.

god I feel like I'm thinking too much about everything he's said to me recently.. I really do feel paranoid

No you're not paranoid, he did probably refer to something you did in private. This is what these blokes tend to do- they don't keep what they're doing 100% secret, they make it clear/hint at it one way or another. The reason they do this is partly/mostly the spying is designed to control what we do, as we know we're being surveillled.

say this is over I'm not standing for this, I've never been one to stand up for myself

It's never too late to start- it feels great I promise you. I'm the same about confrontation, so I find ways to do it by messenger, text etc. I know that's not so easy if you're married to someone, but maybe you could do some of it that way. Perhaps you could also do some of it outside the house, in a park or something if that makes you feel safer.

How old are your DC?

You will feel better after you've asserted that this isn't an acceptable way to treat you. And the disrupting you seeing friends/isolating you is another dealbreaker.

BlueJava · 03/05/2020 18:16

So sorry OP that's horrible for you. Perhaps what happened before played on his mind and it grew - but that's unforgiveable. I guess the next move is up to you, I think your relationship with him is clearly over because all trust has gone.

Needtheadvice · 03/05/2020 18:22

He doesn't trust you, he is still hurting and has crossed a line in trying to validate his hurt. That is the summary I got from your post, I do not think for a second he has some perverted fetish going on, all I see is someone who has lost trust towards someone they thought they could trust and now needs therapy to get through the trauma that was caused.

SirVixofVixHall · 03/05/2020 18:23

I would bet money on him having a secret camera set up in your bedroom/house.

Original poster
Failing366 · 03/05/2020 18:23

Our children are 19 (from previous relationship but husband has raised as his own) 15&7 all have autism and daughter who's the youngest has a few more conditions that make parenting quite the challenge.. I guess there's an element of not wanting to do it on my own..
God I actually can't believe this is all happening.. I honestly want to just ignore it all but I'm starting to see that perhaps I haven't been in the relationship I thought I was, his behaviour over the years hasn't been what I thought it was, there are definitely signs of control and gaslighting, I've just been reading up on some of the points some of you have made about him being abusive in certain ways and I'm not really liking what I'm feeling, I feel stupid quite honestly.. I have no idea what I should do, I'm not assertive in any way so actually seperating or just even doing something about all of this is terrifying for me.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 03/05/2020 18:27

I agree with Needtheadvice

This isn’t a sexual thing like others are suggesting, he doesn’t trust you, you gave him a reason not too when you had an emotional affair with a old friend? He hasn’t got over it and he thinks your going to do it again, he hid the phone because he thought you might be calling another man when you go to bed? I’m not saying there is an excuse for his behaviour but there is a reason and he’s obviously finding it hard to get over this. He needs to admit that his behaviour isn’t normal and get help or leave.

B1rdbra1n · 03/05/2020 18:35

this is appalling!!
I remember threads with similar themes though, is it commonConfused

CambsAlways · 03/05/2020 18:37

He certainly trusts you doesn’t he, it’s very weird, What he is doing is serious. I’d bin him and the bloody phone

SPP1 · 03/05/2020 19:07

Hi OP. I've RTFT and wanted to reach out because I'm in exactly the same situation. Right down to the dodgy/abusive childhood, my mild indiscretion, and having my DP recording me without my consent. I want to LTB but like you, I cannot deal with conflict. Reply on here or PM me if you want to chat. Your indiscretion does NOT mean that you deserve this. It hurts deeper than anyone can possibly imagine. Being stripped of your privacy, the paranoia that your every move is being watched... it's hell.

Original poster
Failing366 · 03/05/2020 19:07

Ok so I can't actually believe I'm about to ask this but how do you seperate from someone? Like I genuinely don't know how things are done.. do I need to move out as I'm the one wanting to seperate? What about the children who do they stay with?
We've rented this house for the last 10 years, it's private rent, he works and I'm a carer for our youngest 2 children, he earns all the money, funnily enough he's never liked me working, I know right.. I used to work but once our second son was diagnosed with autism he said he would prefer me to be at home with him.. anyway as I've said I've 2 children with special needs that I'm carer for and transport to a special needs school, I mean how do benefits work, I'd probably have to get rid of my car.. god there's just too much to think about..
I don't think I can do this 🙍🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
FelicityJaneGrace · 03/05/2020 19:15

Like a pp said, I kind of understand where he's coming from in terms of not trusting you. Many women on here have been advised to hide a phone in a car to record conversations or to use in order to locate and track a journey.

I appreciate what you have said about your children and their needs but I can't quite see how you can remain together. The foundations of the relationship have gone.