I’ve been married to DW for 14 years, together for 19. We have two kids, 17 and 14. We’re both approaching 40.
I work full time and DW works close to full time. We share the house jobs and both have weekends off together. We have what I think is quite a typical family setup. We’re all healthy, the kids are happy (as teenagers can be!) and we are financially sound in our current situation. I would say our family life is very good. Friends often comment on how lucky we are and how we seem to have it much better than others around us. I would tend to agree on the face of it.
For many years we have had intimacy and general closeness challenges in our marriage. I feel incredibly lonely. Personally I am struggling to deal with these feelings more now than I used to, as I would simply bury the issues and hope things would improve; trusting DW’s assurances they would. When the kids were young it was because they tired her out. Now they’re older, it’s work or some other spurious reason.
As I approach 40 and we’re thinking about the commitment of a new mortgage, and following the untimely death of a close relative 6 months ago I’ve come to me realise life is short and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in this situation. How can I willingly remain in what feels like a loveless marriage where I feel constantly rejected and unwanted, even if DW feels all is fine? Someone who I don’t feel truly loves me despite saying she does?
Right now I feel like I’m here for the kids, and although I would desperately like our marriage to remain intact I can’t live like this forever.
In January I laid it all on the line to DW in what was for me a final attempt, and told her things must change. I am willing to do my part in whatever it takes to make it happen. Her response was simply “I know I need to step up” and she promised to make more effort for our relationship, but here we are 4 months on and nothing has changed from her.
I do a fair amount of work around the house including dishes, hoovering, all the ironing, bins, finances etc and have gotten better over time at what DW calls “seeing what needs to be done” (but to her standards). I always ask what I can do to help once I reach the point of thinking everything is in order too.
I’m not perfect, and have often asked her what I can generally do more or less of to improve her life and she says “nothing”. She has commented many times that I do a lot more than her friend’s husbands, and they’ve often commented in front of us both that they wish their DH’s were like me. Again, I’m not perfect but I must be doing some things right…
The way I have come to summarise our position is that DW wants the comfort and security of the marriage as it benefits the family, but doesn’t actually want the husband part of the marriage. Something she always denied. She always says the kids are her number one priority which is fine, but she has never said where I sit on her list, and says once she has invested her time in them she is simply too tired to think about me.
Lack of sex is one of the issues in our relationship; but more so for me is the lack of general love and affection. There’s almost no closeness, no cuddling, hand-holding, kissing etc. She never willingly initiates any contact. I’ve noticed when I attempt to cuddle DW, her arms immediately cover her body between us like an unconscious defense mechanism, or are down at her sides limp. When I’ve mentioned this she dismisses it saying it’s not intentional, there’s no meaning to it and I am overthinking it.
DW often cites tiredness as a reason to avoid intimacy and I certainly think it’s a valid reason, so I’ve tried to take some of her burdens but whenever I do, she fills the empty time with something else to do to keep busy. It doesn't explain however why she never asks for or is receptive to non sexual closeness.
We both go to the gym. She is incredibly attractive, looked upon by her friends as the “hot one” yet she doesn’t see it. I’m not “fat” but do have a dad bod which she says she prefers over a muscular man. When I suggested I could improve my physique to be more attractive to her she asked me not to change my look as she likes me how I am.
Over the years we’ve fallen into a natural routine where there is no intimacy at all during the week, and we may have sex once a month, always on a Sunday morning, always for less than 10 minutes as she says she is not into “all the unnecessary foreplay”. If I don’t ask for it she will say something like “I suppose you want some then?”.
As soon it’s over she gets up and on with her day and it’s like a box has been ticked for her. She does seem to enjoy sex but has told me she simply has no need for it more often than that. She claims she never masturbates and I have found no reason to believe she is lying.
Nights are always a no; always citing tiredness even on days where she has not worked and it’s been quite relaxed. When I’ve explained I have a need more often than once a month she has said “sorry but that’s your problem”.
On the weekend mornings when she doesn’t want sex or is on her period, she will sometimes offer to get me off, which used to be nice, but now she complains and says things like “right I’d better sort you out to keep you happy, but be quick” which actually is very off-putting as it’s clear she doesn’t want to and is doing it out of some obligation rather than for my happiness. I’d rather she didn’t do this.
For info, DW is not on contraception and I have had the snip.
I’ve tried mixing things up, being spontaneous, adding some excitement etc but this is always rejected.
I’ve tried moving the focus away from sex and onto her. For example, whilst DW was out with her mum one Saturday I cleaned the house, made sure it was super tidy and prepared a candlelit dinner. DW got home, looked at the table, blew the candles out and said “thanks but I have no time for that”. That really hurt.
I try to take her out every month for a date night. She never asks me to take her out or suggests anywhere. I have to arrange it all. Previously if I surprised her with a night out the first thing after “where are we going?” would be “doesn’t mean you’re getting any”. This made me think she feels I only do it to get sex, so I have worked hard to disassociate the two and ensure I don’t press for sex after as I fear it will simply reinforce her comments. I figured in time this might change her view but it hasn’t. She says thanks for a good evening and goes to bed.
Because of lockdown we’ve missed our date nights so I recently suggested we focus on us and have a “staying in date night”. I would cook a nice meal, we could both dress up and just have a nice evening out at home with each other. She agreed, but on that evening she said “I can’t be bothered with getting all dolled up” and just put her PJs on and spent the evening in front of the TV.
I’ve previously spoken to a couple of friends about it all and they suggested I should simply back off any attempts for sex, intimacy or closeness and see if she comes to me. She does not. I have gone for periods of up to 3 months, where I have tried things like no contact, non-sexual contact only etc and when I do she simply trundles along quite happy with that situation. Nothing changes.
I’ve tried to talk to her about this but she just tells me that nothing is wrong, and it’s just the way she is. I’ve asked her to come to counselling with me and she’s refused saying she doesn’t need it, and if I do then it’s my problem to resolve.
If I push conversations like this any further, even being careful that I approach them as an attempt at solving the issue, not placing blame, then she simply flames up and goes into a defensive position of refusal to talk.
I’ve wondered in the past whether she might be having an affair, but this situation has been too consistent for too long, and there are no other signs for me that this is the case.
I don’t know where to go now, but I am keen to do everything I can to ensure I am doing what I should, and not giving her reasons to reject me. I feel that if I can’t be the best version of me for her, I can’t expect her to step up for me.
So I’m lost. Do I give it up as a failed marriage and move on, or do I try something else? If so, what?
Thanks for reading!