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Original poster

Does anyone regret ltb and becoming a single parent?

139 replies

Puddlejuice · 28/04/2020 10:48

Just at the title really, please give me the downsides of leaving with the dc and starting over.

I'm worried about loneliness, finances, boredom, changing the dc's schools etc, but also excited about not having to live this slow crushing death by indifference.

Is it really worth leaving a relationship that's not completely awful, but certainly has its issues?

OP posts:
BestUseADifferentName · 02/05/2020 19:26

I don't regret it at all. I do regret not admitting things weren't right a lot sooner.

My marriage wasn't really shit, just not right. Then I found out he had been sleeping with sex workers for years so there was no brushing that under the carpet.

MulticolourMophead · 02/05/2020 22:32

I don't regret LTB, I do regret not doing it far sooner.

I don't have to walk on eggshells everyday. And the abusive git wanted me to join him in bullying our DD, or "bringing her into line" not long before we left (I was already making plans at that point). He didn't bully DS, which says an awful lot. Neither DC bother with him, their choice and I never interfered with their decisions not to speak to him.

OP, in your case, a slow death by indifference is a different situation to me, but if you don't think you can be happy, then leave.

Vintagevixen · 02/05/2020 23:07

No, no and no. To echo lots of others on here my only regret is not doing it sooner.

Me and DD are so happy in our new house, no stupid unreasonable "rules" to obey. No walking on eggshells. No anxiously watching the wine bottle go down, the speech slurring and knowing he would soon be getting argumentative (to this day I can't listen to Oasis or the manics as that's always what he played when pissed, the sound of their songs is a trigger for me.)

I love being on my own, I will never live with a man again. I have learned to cope with so much as a single parent, I can stand on my own two feet and am so proud of myself for it. Even managed to plumb in my own washing machine the other day (no plumbers during lockdown!)

TeddyBeans · 02/05/2020 23:08

Should point out 'we' in my post refers to DS and myself. Don't have a clue what the ex is doing and I couldn't care less!

greyspottedgoose · 02/05/2020 23:12

Leaving was the best thing ever for me, there was no bad feelings in our marriage it was just stale, we get on brilliantly now and are so much happier apart, at first I was lonely and wondered if I'd made the right decision but all of a sudden it clicked and I absolutely love my space when the kids are with him now ❤️

wallyrag · 02/05/2020 23:19

Never, not once! However difficult things have been.
I'm recovering from covid. When I told him I had it he ranted at me. Said it was my fault for getting it, and shouted that the kids might see me die.
At no point did he ask any practical questions, were we ok for medications and shopping.

Louise000000 · 04/05/2020 19:22

@takethegirloutofscotland me!!
On paper he looked like a great dad, hard worker, gave me my freedom etc
In reality he was a stoner who had anger issues (no violence) critisised me all the time, we had terrible communication and only now I realise how miserable I actually was!

Louise000000 · 04/05/2020 19:24

@greyspottedgoose I feel the same when kids are with their dad, it's totally guilt free you time and it's great!!

madcatladyforever · 04/05/2020 19:37

No, I was a single parent within the relationship.

SplunkPostGres · 04/05/2020 19:50

Nope. I regret the extremely poor choice to have a child with a person that left me no choice other than to be a single parent. But, I don’t for a second regret leaving. The thought of being in lockdown with him doesn’t bear thinking about.

babycornplease · 04/05/2020 20:01

I just typed a massively long, and emotional response to this.

But then I realised @SplunkPostGres just summed it up.

Best decision I ever made was to get that bastard out of my house and out of our lives.

Thanks
BertieBotts · 04/05/2020 20:16

One of the best things I ever did.

Yes I had hard times after, but would they have been better had I been with him? NO! He would have been of absolutely no use and probably would even have made things worse.

So much healing to do, in many ways I wish I could erase the relationship right from the beginning. I suppose I wouldn't know as clearly what I don't want, though.

BertieBotts · 04/05/2020 20:17

It is worth leaving the bad relationship even if it is "not that bad" - it's worth it so that you can reevaluate what you actually want out of a relationship. A partner should be a net gain to your life, happiness and resources, not a net drain on those things.

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 05/05/2020 00:30

BertieBotts - I think it was you that was a major voice of reason on one of my threads years ago that helped give me the push to leave.

💐

Randomword6 · 05/05/2020 01:36

Can I ask, my STBXH is clear he doesn't want to leave the family home, can I stay here instead by law? We have two adult children and one school age. In some ways I'd like to be in a new place myself but I have health issues that mean this house is better for me than other likely options.

tenstorey · 05/05/2020 02:03

It wasn't all plain sailing, it was the hardest thing I've ever done but I have absolutely no regrets.

RainMinusBow · 06/05/2020 09:15

Gosh how I wish I was like the majority here and when I left my ex things were so much better and he was out of my life!!
My bad for marrying a true narcissist though. Six years on it's still hell.

BertieBotts · 06/05/2020 23:17

Sorry to hear that Rain - do you at least get some space from him?

Random best thing to do would be speak to your solicitor.

RainMinusBow · 06/05/2020 23:38

@BertieBotts I did leave him and that was the problem. Currently facing court yet again as he wants even more custody of the boys. This round alone is going to cost £12k of my savings that were meant so I could buy a house. No chance now!
I will never be free from him.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 07/05/2020 00:01

The only thing I regret is not leaving earlier, that marriage didn’t need to be saved (and boy we tried!) but abandoned.

ednatheevilwitch · 07/05/2020 00:09

Nope!

ACertainSupermarket · 07/05/2020 00:09

No regrets. Only that he is such an arse it's been impossible to co-parent and that has been hard on the children. So you may have an advantage if ther's no real abuse to the point that you can still communicate.
The freedom. The lack of eggshells. Being able to be in your own head. Not having to avoid sex.

MrsCollinssettled · 07/05/2020 00:19

Christ no. My life is immensely improved without my emotionally and financially abusive xh. It can be hard shouldering all the responsibility on your own but it sets the dc a great example and brings a closer relationship with your child.

Dranktoomuchpepsi · 07/05/2020 00:22

Thanks for starting this thread OP. I want to leave by DS is holding me back. The thought of H getting 50/50 breaks my heart. He's not even 3 yet and my absolute world and more. No way could I only have him 3.5 days a week. Or even let him go every weekend. So I'm plodding along for him because I know H getting a 'great deal' could well happen

coco123456789 · 07/05/2020 00:35

How do people feel if they left a man who wasn’t a bad man as such? He is a great dad, works hard, doesn’t drink, doesn’t go out, good son etc. he just really doesn’t like me at all and it eats away at me all the time. I think if we separated no one would believe it, many of my friends think he is amazing as he is generous with gifts etc, capable of looking after our kids (as he should be). But he loathes me in secret, though I think my eldest is realizing it now as with us all at home it’s very obvious he only ever hugs them and never me.