Is this just too distasteful?

[4tplussome]

Before I'm jumped on I'm thinking yes it is

I'm late 40s . I don't look my age by any stretch but I am late forties none the less.

I'm single, and on some kind line dating sites .

Had a few dates - nothing special. I'm happy alone tbh .

On one site a very young man has been messaging me. Now I'm not stupid at all - I know he's probably on some top trumps competition for a cougar or something.....but he is very persistent and I actually feel a bit of a connection. I've had loads of young men message and I've dismissed them all . Except this one . He is younger than my kids and I'm thinking just no.....
Yet he seems very clear about what he wants and is quite refreshing. I've been chatting. I should block shouldn't I? I feel like I should be in some register somewhere just for talking to him....

Give it a go.

Imagine him at your workplace. Wouldn't you just think "Aw, John is lovely, what a shame my daughter doesn't live closer"?

If it was a 40 something year old man on here asking for advice about a 21 year old girl he was chatting to I don’t think the responses would be very warm.

By all means have a bit of fun if you really want to- if I was you though I would cut it off now. I wouldn’t want to be catching feelings for someone half my age knowing how it would make my kids/the younger persons parents feel if things progressed. Plus not to mention no matter how mature a 21 year old is you’re at very different stages in your life and would likely be looking for different things.

I’m not familiar with OLD apart from what I’ve read about tinder- is there not an age setting feature on the site you’re on where you can filter out younger/older people like there is on tinder?

I don't get it. You're saying there's been no sexual chat, etc. But that he's clear about what he wants and that he obviously wants a hook up with an older woman?

What's he actually said to you, OP?

What's his favourite book, OP, that you're being educated on? Five Go Adventuring Again?

Yeah ok.

He's reading stuff I read at his age . Classics.
When I said he's clear about what he wants I meant he is clear that he doesn't find it embarrassing or weird to talk to me . The on line dating thing was a joke his mates out him on it but he said if he hadn't gone along with it he wouldn't be talking to me. He is aware I'm feeling a bit odd about his age and has said he doesn't give a flying because he thinks I'm gorgeous and is enjoying talking with me.
Nothing at all has been remotely icky...nothing . I find him refreshing, he is not what's normally on line . Definitely not a dare . Just can tell. Just a decent , funny, honest
Young man . I'm really not stupid. It's a non starter. I want a relationship not hook ups . But I'm enjoying chatting about literature and art and just stuff - it's not loaded. Maybe that's because of his age ? I don't know. I'm breaking no laws and nor is he . He likes chatting. I like chatting. That's it really.

Can you imagine sitting in a bar with him? Going to gigs? The idea of being in a restaurant with someone opposite me so much younger would make me feel like a groomer... if be constantly concerned about what people where thinking!

If you can't take him out and about on your arm from embarrassment what's the point!

I think it's far too young but it's your call! I imagine his mum would be delighted 😒

The only thing he's has said that is even remotely- and I say this very very loosely - sexual - is he finds me attractive.....nothing other than that. It's really not a weird conversation. What's weird for e is I'm conversing with a 21 year old about books and cocktails ! I don't know many 21 year olds into reading or mixing a mean martini....🤷🏻‍♀️

So, how do you know he actually wants to sleep with you?

You asked opinions.. as a woman of a similar age I find it incredible that you can harbour romantic feelings for someone so young. I look at young men and think they're attractive but they look the same age as my kid (and my eldest is still in his teens). I cannot munster a tiny bit of attraction for them and I find it predatory when older men or women go for much younger partners.

Of course you're both adults blah blah and as a 20 something I was super attracted to my 40 something year old boss but now, with a much older head I see how young and naive I was at that age.

I think you have maybe an obsessive personality and you've been here before ...

I haven't said that ?

He fancies me . That's it .

I was treated very shoddily by my ex. He looked down on me and was very haughty and disapproving because I'm a bit scatty and my hearts on my sleeve , I say what I think, I'm not afraid to be a bit different, I'm extrovert and he was introvert and he found me embarrassing. He wasn't an oil painting- yet he was embarrassed to be seen with me and now we've split all these people are coming out of the woodwork and asking me wtaf I saw in him . 😂

So it's just nice that someone is being genuine and says I like you - I find you attractive and funny .

I've had loads of messages saying I'm gorgeous yadda yadda ....nothing behind them . No substance. The dates I've had - nice - but not interested. I am finding it difficult to move forward from someone I was absolutely in love with and who treated me with such disdain.
I know I'm not bad looking so to get a lot of hits on a dating site ....it's nice but no one interested me.
This one man , who happens to be a lot younger does. He interests me. He has something about him that I really like. And I feel cautious and reticent for a reason - because I know he is young and it can't go anywhere. It's nice though. It's nice to be told by a beautiful young man that you're lovely and attractive and that they don't care about age because they like you - especially after I was with a complete dick who just treated me with disdain and found me embarrassing because I'm a bit daft and I laugh at stuff I shouldn't, say stuff I feel and wear my heart on my sleeve , he was so private he found me too much because I talk. About anything. I air my feelings. He hated that. And now I'm chatting away to a beautiful, intelligent, arty, funny, young man who doesn't give a monkeys about my age and doesn't fine me remotely embarrassing. Yeah. It's nice .

Latte ? What??

Please explain?

And I'm not harbouring romantic feelings about anyone! That's half the problem! Since the ex I can't ! I'm numb and I have absolutely no romantic feelings about anyone.

This - this man - it's not romantic. It's not been sexual - it's just - nice . Comfortable. I was being very disingenuous in thinking he must just want a notch on the bed post - older woman . Tick.
I don't think that's the case .

No. I have a lot of experience on dating sites and know the territory.

This is practically a child. A very horny clever one - but 22 is way too young.

The truth is as an older woman you don't really register as anywhere near close to a human entity that he can give a damn about, if that makes sense?? A girl is own age is one step removed, you - 10 steps. Personally I don't think you can ever cross that divide with a younger guy, maybe if they are older (then you become 5 - 6 steps removed?), but not 22.

The connection you feel is just projection.

So, it's gone from him being "very clear what he wants" and being a "persistent little sod" and you being sure he obviously wants a hook with an older woman, thinking you should be on a register somewhere, to educating each other on books?

Someone somewhere is not being honest. Whether it's him with you, or you with us, god knows.

So when you first met your ex was he embarrassed by you and distainful?

He seems well beyond his years . He sent a message saying he is really enjoying talking to me , yeah he could just be blowing smoke up my arse but he says I'm funny , think I'm gorgeous and intelligent and not what's normally on the dating site. Maybe I've found a new (young) friend . He's nice .

Morris

Yep. He was. Bit too cool for school. And because I had fallen for him I put up with it . He was an arse fro day 1.

Noyiucannot

I think I was thinking the worst because why else would a young man want to talk to an older woman ?

I assumed .

Maybe wrongly.

I think there is a lot to be said for unconventional relationships and you can meet people on dating sites that you would never have crossed paths with otherwise. I made a friend on tinder who somehow touched me and became really important to me although we agreed that dating wasn't right for us. he was kind and attentive and emotionally available and very very interesting. My friends thought that I was going to fall for someone unsuitable and disapproved - they thought I was being silly and couldn't see that he was unsuitable - but I could, and that was probably partly why I was so fond of him - I was in no danger of getting sucked into some awful abusive-on-the inside, all-fine-from-the-outside relationship with some guy of the type they all thought I should be going out with.

I think you know perfectly well you can't have a 21 year old partner and that is partly why this is so refreshing for you. He is in no position to make the kind of demands on you that a single man your own age might, and that you just aren't ready for. Your ex sounds like a massive arse by the way. I had one of those - a man who, for whatever reason, decided to ruin someone he fundamentally despised. I have no idea why they do this. It makes them miserable, too. Idiots.

My ex was older than me - not literally at school! Btw!

My 14 year old is wise beyond her years, so what?

And I don't see the relevance of x amount of men finding you attractive and messaging you (and ftr I think that's quite common) and online dating is hard because it's difficult to feel attracted to a picture and a few words and it's hard to know who to invest time into and get to know. I'm a similar age, have been online dating for a few years - loads of matches and messages (pof and similar I only lasted a few days because of the inundation). Had a relationship and now I'm seeing someone. Had lots of first dates, none, except these two that I wanted to see again. But that has nothing to do with wanting something with someone just out of childhood

Musti, your 14 year old is a child

I think that two consenting adults can do whatever they want.

Have a fling with him and get it out of your system. You can't have a long term relationship as the age difference is too much re he may want children and people change so much from the age of 21. He's likely immature, likes playing video games and doesn't think women have pubic hair because of the porn he watches.

However, you're doing nothing wrong and don't need anyone's permission to live your life.

Oh excuse me there for a moment love but a) 14 would make me a sex offender
And
21 is a man. Not just out of childhood!

Jesus Harry h Christ. You do understand the difference? 14 is a child and under the age of consent.

21 is a man, fully able to make his own decisions and not a child .