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Original poster

Is this just too distasteful?

527 replies

4tplussome · 25/04/2020 21:23

Before I'm jumped on I'm thinking yes it is

I'm late 40s . I don't look my age by any stretch but I am late forties none the less.

I'm single, and on some kind line dating sites .

Had a few dates - nothing special. I'm happy alone tbh .

On one site a very young man has been messaging me. Now I'm not stupid at all - I know he's probably on some top trumps competition for a cougar or something.....but he is very persistent and I actually feel a bit of a connection. I've had loads of young men message and I've dismissed them all . Except this one . He is younger than my kids and I'm thinking just no.....
Yet he seems very clear about what he wants and is quite refreshing. I've been chatting. I should block shouldn't I? I feel like I should be in some register somewhere just for talking to him....

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 29/04/2020 04:33

Personally, yes I find it distasteful. I am 47 and see 21 year olds as waaaaay too young.

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2020 07:28

Op are you lonely? Hankering after your youth and struggling with the fact you’re nearly fifty and single? Do you need the validation? You keep going on about the fact he thinks you’re gorgeous and you look young. Like it’s really, really important to you.

I can’t for the life of me imagine why you’re doing what you’re doing, and now talking about taking him out. Are you making the first moves to meet him by doing this?

People will think you’re his mum. You could even be older than her. How will your kids feel when they find out you’re hanging out with a 21 year old you met on a dating site. Your friends, your family?

It’s all just a bit disturbing, from your talk of lusting after him and needing a cold shower, through to basically wanting to go on dates with him. So trying to understand in your own head what’s causing your behaviour is important.

Crystal87 · 29/04/2020 07:46

The fact he talks about art doesn't make him mature. It just means he has an interest in art, as do you.

Sarcelle · 29/04/2020 07:57

When you say you have been speaking to him, what do you mean? Just online or by phone/Skype?

PrimeroseHillAnnie · 29/04/2020 08:12

I’m 46 and my son is 22. He’s a medical student and despite all that’s going on his biggest grizzle is that there is no football !. He’s really upset because of it. Doesn’t matter that he hasn’t seen his girlfriend or his family in weeks. My point is that at 22 they’re still just kids. I’d be weary about this guys motives , doesn’t sound kosher to me. Just be careful.

Timeslikethese2020 · 29/04/2020 08:19

Irrespective of the age difference, I would say don’t invest too much time and energy into someone you have never met.

Even when there is a great connection online, it might not transfer in real life and then you will feel stupid. Sometimes you know on sight and your heart sinks.

Talking on the phone is a good idea too. I have been put off a few times by someone’s voice or what they say (talking about the ex, asking how much I weigh Confused.)

I have also thought I might become friends with someone even though I wasn’t attracted to them but that has never happened.

Gemma2019 · 29/04/2020 08:40

Just be really careful though OP because he could pretend to be interested in anything at all and sound really authentic, thanks to Google. I could also wax lyrical about William Morris and Clarice Cliff in messages and I have no interest in them whatsoever.

ponchek · 29/04/2020 08:52

How do you know he really is 21????

He could be making stacks of stuff up online.

Notredamn · 29/04/2020 08:54

The way you're writing to make yourself sound young and 'scatty' is so cringeworthy and I say that as someone a lot younger than you so I can tell it's contrived. Stop being silly.
I actually think you're getting more of a kick on this thread than you are chatting to the lad in question. Dropping in 'banter' like 'oops, I meant my ex was too cool for school, not at school!' yeah- hilarious.
And why keep saying that's nothing sexual there? You're meant to be sexually attracted to people you date so are you admitting you're stringing him along and wasting his time?

TheStuffedPenguin · 29/04/2020 09:09

Yes there has been a noticeable change in OP's attitude from the start of this post from frivolous to quite aggressive .

mrsmummy111 · 29/04/2020 09:23

OP, I have to admit your posts come across as thoroughly disingenuous. You have repeated over and over that you "know nothing can come of it" because of his age, but every other sentence makes it clear that in actual fact, you think his feelings for you are sincere, that you have a lot in common, you can understand why he thinks you're attractive (as you think you look 15 years younger in photos!) and you do think something could come of it. Otherwise why are you befriending a 21 year old? Be genuine and be honest. Admit that you are lusting after a 21 year old and admit that you have intentions or desires at least, to take it further rather than getting on the defensive and pretending that you have no interest in anything beyond friendship with PP have (rightly, IMO) pointed out how ridiculous you sound!

BackseatCookers · 29/04/2020 10:53

I'm confused OP... so are you thinking of him in a romantic / sexual way or not?

As PP said, I assume a romantic / sexual way because that's kind of a requirement if you're looking to date someone.

But you keep saying stuff like it's nothing 'murky' and that you just both love art.

In which case why does it matter if he thinks you're gorgeous and you look a lot younger than you are?

This is a genuine question - I'm not sure if you're saying yes it's too big a gap but we could be friends, or yes it's a big gap but we get on so well and I fancy him so I'm going to go on some dates with him if he wants to.

Sarcelle · 29/04/2020 12:04

Unless the OP has actually seen him on video, talking with knowledge about art subjects, I would not trust him at all. There is a whole industry of scammers, who prey on the insecurities and the loneliness of middle aged and older women (and men).

If it has been by phone and the written word, they could be sitting in a room abroad along with other scammers, with the internet open to put in the right info. This ones has found her on another platform. Flattering or a set up, finding info out on OP to reel her in.

I think a good reference point would be If in real life 21 year old young men are interested in OP it would not be inconceivable that one online would be interested. If they are not normally interested I would take the interest from this guy with a pinch of salt.

NotMyNigel · 29/04/2020 12:21

What a huge coincidence it is that you are both interested in the Arts and Crafts movement ! Let alone classic novels and cocktails.

They are all very very niche interest for 21 year old men. What are the odds of the two of you meeting online and discovering these shared interests ! I wonder how it even came up in conversation?

TriangleBingoBongo · 29/04/2020 13:00

If you do go for it OP make sure you go Dutch on dates.

peppermintcapsules · 29/04/2020 14:00

I'm in my 50s. Even people who look really good for their age in this age range just do not look 15 years younger. Even with plastic surgery. Something also gives it away. It's deluded to think so. Sad and a bit tragic. A bit like a 48-year-old dating a 21-year-old.

mamato3lads · 29/04/2020 15:13

@RiaOverTheRainbow

Why does OP have to "figure out" what she wants before pursuing this relationship? Does there have to be a plan? She enjoys his company, what is wrong with seeing how it evolves, naturally? It won't necessarily end in tears if she doesn't go in with a military plan of how it should all go, how ridiculous.

mamato3lads · 29/04/2020 15:17

And you lot are fucking nasty!

Especially you @Notredamn

Original poster
4tplussome · 29/04/2020 16:54

It's fine . Thick skinned. I saw nothing wrong in chatting. It was all a bit new so didn't really think about what it was all about really, no analysis, just went with it . I'm not great with hostility and it's likely there would be a lot of that (point proves here I think ) so no point in chatting further . Thanks for the thoughts though.

OP posts:
MaeveDidIt · 29/04/2020 17:06

You're pushing 50 and you have to ask the question 🤷‍♀️

HelloTerrance · 29/04/2020 17:18

I think J Lo and Jennifer Aniston would have a lot of interest from younger men and they are just the first two older women I can think of, so it's not inconceivable that he is attracted to the OP if as she says she looks good for her age.

None of us have actually seen her.

I dated a man 10 years my junior and he was a night mare so it would be a no from me. However my PT is 24 and I would definitely have a night of passion or two with him if he offered.

TriangleBingoBongo · 29/04/2020 17:20

I agree with mamato. I really don’t see the issue.

GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 17:34

And you lot are fucking nasty!

Yeah there have been done truly nasty posters on this thread.

On a side note, I didn't think.about scammers but it is a point worth considering .. my sister got caught with this on an online dating site after a long marriage. She lost money.

Don't give him any money for anything at any point.

GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 17:40

And yeah - some people are just young looking.

Everyone assumes they're deluded but there really are some people who look significantly younger.

I've been asked was I a "half" (youth) on a bus in my 30s, I've been approached by young men at hobbies romantically who I've had to make it really clear with I was in my late 30s - they then sheepishly withdrew their "suit".

Lots of members of my wife family are the same

When I was a teen I was the one who bouncers wouldn't let into bars/clubs.

It's not always delusion.

GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 17:42

*wider

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