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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hate the way OH talks to DD

121 replies

Jellyboobs · 24/04/2020 00:36

OH has a short temper and speaks to our DD(8) in anger regularly. If she doesn’t get ready quick enough, if she doesn’t want to eat what is prepared, if she doesn’t listen to his suggestions, if she gets in his way....
Lockdown has just made it worse, as he’s here all the time. I can recognise some of it as how his mum talks to him, critical and inpatient. He openly criticises her choices, obviously can’t be bothered to play with her, to the extent that she darent ask, rolls his eyes about 300 times a day. I’m a key worker so I’m still working a couple of days a week so he does home school with her those days, and if they get to 10am without him shouting and storming off it’s a miracle.
I can see it affecting her, making her nervous and critical of herself. She’s also desperate for him to be around her, saying “I wish daddy would play with us” and I can just see her future with a not right man.
Ive tried to gently speak to him about it before but he gets angry, defensive and gives me the silent treatment. I can’t let it go on.
I’m not in a financial position to leave, so I need some way to get him to see how badly it’s affecting her.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 24/04/2020 00:45

Can you see if her school will take her when you’re not home?

Flamingnora123 · 24/04/2020 00:50

He sounds awful. This is going to affect your daughter for life, in every aspect of your life. I would tell him he needs to have some kind of counselling, agree to let you film his childish and nasty behaviour, or you need to find a way to leave.

Flamingnora123 · 24/04/2020 00:50

*of her life

Original poster
Jellyboobs · 24/04/2020 00:55

@Cherrysoup I can ask school, they were asking that both parents be key workers in order for a child to attend, but might be worth a try.
@Flamingnora123 should I try and film him and then show him afterwards? I’m really aware of her hearing any discussions and arguments we have.

OP posts:
user764329056 · 24/04/2020 00:59

This is honestly damaging your daughter, please make some decisions to protect her

NoMoreDickheads · 24/04/2020 01:00

I wish daddy would play with us

Aww, that's really sad. Does he know she says that? Hearing that would be enough for a *decent^ guy to make a bit of an effort.

Original poster
Jellyboobs · 24/04/2020 01:04

@NoMoreDickheads you would think so, wouldn’t you. The best she can expect is a deliberately half arsed attempt to play that’s so awkward you just can’t wait for him to give up and leave, which he usually does after about ten minutes.

OP posts:
Wanderlust21 · 24/04/2020 01:10

He knows it is affecting her. He is a bully! He WANTS it to affect her. You need to wake up and smell the flowers. He is a narcissist and has made her the scapegoat. He wants to belittle her and break her spirit and yes, it will influence her future self esteem and life choices negatively.

No excuses, get your kid away from that asshole asap.

yellowmelon · 24/04/2020 01:34

This sounds like my childhood. Step-dad on the scene from when I was two or three and still married to dm now. As I've grown up, I've realised what a bully he was throughout my childhood - and still is if I'm in my childhood home for longer than 24 hours. I visit rarely and have a poor relationship with dm - i cannot fathom why she put up with his behaviour. My relationship with him is, at best, polite. Make sure your dd knows you're on her side at the very least.

yellowmelon · 24/04/2020 01:35

This sounds like my childhood. Step-dad on the scene from when I was two or three and still married to dm now. As I've grown up, I've realised what a bully he was throughout my childhood - and still is if I'm in my childhood home for longer than 24 hours. I visit rarely and have a poor relationship with dm - i cannot fathom why she put up with his behaviour. My relationship with him is, at best, polite. Make sure your dd knows you're on her side at the very least.

Original poster
Jellyboobs · 24/04/2020 01:37

@yellowmelon Flowers I feel for you, and your mum choosing to stay with your SD. Shows me my choices pretty clearly.

OP posts:
Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 24/04/2020 01:38

So don't speak gently to him anymore.

MsDogLady · 24/04/2020 01:42

I’ve tried to gently speak to him about it...

I would be incandescent and would not allow this cruelty. This bully is emotionally/verbally abusing your little 8 year old child. I shudder to think of the fear she is living with and the damage being done to her self-esteem by her own father. Her future relationships will likely be bleak, as being mistreated with anger and contempt is her “normal.”

Please find a way to safeguard your little girl. Leave this monster or tell him to leave. Until then, do not leave her alone with him.

Breastfeedingworries · 24/04/2020 01:46

I’d rather be single than be with anyone who hurt or upset my child. Whether it was their child or not. I literally couldn’t hear someone being horrible without standing up for them.( This hasn’t happened yet as dd is 17 months.) I’m sure the day will arise when I have to verbally kick some butt!

Please protect your dd, how could you even be intimate with him? I wonder if he’s abusing you too.

Original poster
Jellyboobs · 24/04/2020 01:53

@Wanderlust21 I looked up narcissistic traits and he does tick quite a few boxes.
I can take her to school with me tomorrow.

OP posts:
TheGirlWithAPrince · 24/04/2020 02:11

I wonder if he realises the bridges he is burning.

She will always remember how her father didnt love her.

Thats what i remember about mine too.

Wanderlust21 · 24/04/2020 02:33

Yeh, thought so, can see that shit a mile off these days. But it took me many unfortunate encounters with their kind and a lot of reading to get to this stage.

My gran was one and made me the family scapegoat. She would belittle me and constantly chide me, slag me off to my mum ect... I grew up to date narcissists, to have toxic 'friendships' with them, because it was what I knew. I also attracted bullies. I still do in fact. Even though I no longer have shit men or friends in my life. I think there must be something left over on my mannerisms or stance or perhaps because I am still too eager to please or something.. and they can sense it. If theres a office cow, guarantee shell beeline for me :/

My gran died when I was 12 too so in just those short years she contributed greatly to so much ongoing suffering.

I wish my mum had kept me away from her. Perhaps my life could have been very different.

Please stand up to him and tell him it isnt acceptable, make sure your daughter knows HE is the one in the wrong. Dont try bargaining or reasoning with him, or 'explaining'. Because he GETS IT.

I hope you and your little one can find a new safe home soon x

SimplySteveRedux · 24/04/2020 02:49

Research shows that emotional abuse, and make not mistake this is abuse, leaves the most significant markers on a childhood brain. The longer the abuse is imparted dictates the duration. As the brain grows and evolves it becomes clear the sheer harm, impact, delay in development and utter shock factor the abuse has had.

Do you want to be in a neurologists' room in a few years, finding out just how much her abuse has formed a pathway into her psyche, shaping her neurological pathways into right-and-wrong? And far deeper than I wish to write here.

Or do you want to do something about it while you can, and end this abusers grip on a child.

I'm sorry if the tone of my writing is challenging. Abuse like this cuts me very deeply and is very upsetting

DileenODoubts · 24/04/2020 03:07

Call him out on it every time ‘dd doesn’t deserve to be spoken to like that’ or something, at least then she’ll know you don’t agree with him and his bullying. You’re trying to shield her from arguments but all she hears loud and clear is her being belittled and no one countering it so it must be true.

rvby · 24/04/2020 03:09

Wow op I hope you stop being so gentle with someone who is harming your dd so badly. Must be nice for him to be a horrifically abusive father and have everyone around him handle him with kid gloves in return.

EmeraldShamrock · 24/04/2020 03:10

Tell him to stop barking at a DC like a wild dog.
Record him to let him hear his attitude.

FlowerArranger · 24/04/2020 04:00

I can just see her future with a not right man.
I've tried to gently speak to him about it before but he gets angry, defensive and gives me the silent treatment.
I can’t let it go on. ...
I can recognise some of it as how his mum talks to him, critical and inpatient...
I’m not in a financial position to leave, so I need some way to get him to see how badly it’s affecting her.

He has to unlearn what he learnt when he was growing up. Unfortunately the abuse he has suffered from his mother throughout his life has become normalised for him. It made him who he is, and this will be difficult to unlearn.

That's assuming that he'd be willing to recognise that what he is doing to his daughter is not just wrong and harmful but profoundly abusive. Talking to him gently will not achieve this. You absolutely must step up and address this calmly but forcefully.

Protecting your daughter from her father's emotional abuse must be your absolute priority. If she can go to school while you are working, that's a good start, but you must calmly intervene every single time he acts in a way that is distressing to your daughter.

Ultimately, though, he will need insight, willingness to address his issues, and counselling with an experienced therapist to get to a point where he can learn to become a good father. Sadly, I fear that unless you get yourself in a position of power - and I mean the power to leave! - he will just carry on regardless.

I realise this is a big ask, but can you increase your hours, go full-time, retrain for a better paying career - whatever it takes to be able to get yourself in a position where you are no longer dependent on him. Once the current crisis is over, obviously - though it's never too soon to start planning.

Women's Aid, Gingerbread and Shelter have useful information. Check out their websites. WA's Freedom Programme may be helpful. Also read this: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I think you will find it enlightening. Flowers

timeisnotaline · 24/04/2020 04:09

Incadescent sums it up. If you can take her to school with you, do, and say to him before you walk out the door ‘I’m going to say something to you. I don’t want you to say anything. I want you to think about it and not jump to defensive sulky anger the way you usually do when I try to talk. I’m taking dd to school because being left with you is bad for her. You are angry, impatient, critical and unkind, and don’t give her any willing time or love. I know some of this is learned from your mum so have been thinking it’s not entirely your fault. But I don’t care anymore, you are an adult and she is your child. I can’t let you spend extensive time alone with her until you change. I’d like you to think about what this means for our relationship if you can’t change and change quickly. I love you but my child needs me to care for her and help her grow up. We’re going to school now.’ And leave (can you put dd in the car and come back in to say this?)

TacCat49 · 24/04/2020 04:15

I was shocked when I read your posting. This poor little girl is being bullied by her father and you are doing nothing. In fact you are just as bad because you are in full knowledge of her abusive treatment and you are doing nothing to save/support her. When your daughter becomes a teenager the shit is going to really hit the fan as she will be out there looking for a substitute father and all those randy teenage boys will be in there to take the job. You've had some great suggestions so please act on them.

Sent from my HUAWEI nova 2 lite

Aquamarine1029 · 24/04/2020 04:28

Stop with the bullshit of using finances as an excuse to keep your daughter subjected to abuse that will damage her for the rest of your life. If you are genuinely so concerned, you'll figure out a solution. It may be a tough road for a while, but you'll get through it. Your child's welfare outweighs any financial hardship, surely. Get her away from him.