Hate the way OH talks to DD

[Jellyboobs]

OH has a short temper and speaks to our DD(8) in anger regularly. If she doesn’t get ready quick enough, if she doesn’t want to eat what is prepared, if she doesn’t listen to his suggestions, if she gets in his way....
Lockdown has just made it worse, as he’s here all the time. I can recognise some of it as how his mum talks to him, critical and inpatient. He openly criticises her choices, obviously can’t be bothered to play with her, to the extent that she darent ask, rolls his eyes about 300 times a day. I’m a key worker so I’m still working a couple of days a week so he does home school with her those days, and if they get to 10am without him shouting and storming off it’s a miracle.
I can see it affecting her, making her nervous and critical of herself. She’s also desperate for him to be around her, saying “I wish daddy would play with us” and I can just see her future with a not right man.
Ive tried to gently speak to him about it before but he gets angry, defensive and gives me the silent treatment. I can’t let it go on.
I’m not in a financial position to leave, so I need some way to get him to see how badly it’s affecting her.

Video him secretly everyday for a week. Then leave and take him to court for supervised access only and show them the videosz

I feel sorry for your daughter as she has a domineering father and a mother failing to protect her.

Imagine the anexity that poor girl must feel everyday. This is unlikely to be new behaviour but it is heightened at the moment and your daughter bearing the brunt of it.

You are putting a man before your own flesh and blood. This will impact on her future and you are failing her. Shame on you. Take responsibility as a mother.

I think I’d do what @GrumpyHoonMain said. He’s ruining her life and her confidence. She is the priority.

Thank you so much for all your responses.
I am shocked and gutted in myself for allowing it. I thought I was doing enough to protect he by stepping between them and giving her positive love but I can see that I am not and have probably made it worse.
There’s a lot to do but now I know for sure what he is doing, that it isn’t just normal behavior, I can start getting us out. Thank you

Well done, OP. I'm glad it's made you see things from an outside perspective but don't feel too bad about your part. You have and will be a loving mum. Seeing you now sort this out will be good for her in the kind run. Just make sure you do. It will so much better for you as well as her.

You can't fix him but you can fix this for your DD.

Get out of this toxic abusive relationship. It might be hard but not impossible.

You have no choice.

Op, my ex has a short fuse, though not as much as yours. I didn't want my children to think it was normal to get so angry. I got out, you can definitely do it. Our kids are really happy, they wouldn't have been had I stayed with him.

I echo what @Eesha has said! I’ve just left my ex who sounds a lot like him! Now my DS is so much happier and relaxed!

She will always remember how her father didnt love her.

If she is lucky, this ^ is what the child will remember.

Sadly, it's much more likely that she will somehow associate being treated badly by anyone as being loved. Imagine how you would feel if she imagines herself in love with someone who treats her so badly.

Oops sorry, pressed post before reading through the whole thread. So glad you have spotted this OP and will take steps to protect your daughter all the best.

@Jellyboobs, you can do it - you are strong and have already shown you are prepared to stand up for your daughter. I got out in November and it was the thought of the damage being done to my children, over and above the horrible way I was treated, that made me realise I had to leave for the sake of their mental wellbeing and future as healthy adults. I give a lot of credit to this Relationships board and the posters here in giving me the wakeup call as to how it was my job to protect my children and provide them with a home that is their haven, free from walking on eggshells. It isn't easy but it had to be done and nothing could make me regret my choice. I was in your position a couple of years ago, listening to my daughter ask hopefully whether daddy was working late tonight, because even at 10 she could sense the different, lighter atmosphere without him home. Now she can have that any day she likes. My smaller kids can leave their toys out without someone going on an over the top rant about the state of the house. Thank God.

@Wanderlust21, you sound so like me! I nodded along at what you wrote about the office cow making a beeline for you. I feel like I am wearing a 'Kick me' sign sometimes.

It is horrific to have a father who abuses you; having a mother who lets it happen can destroy you. Having a mother who protects you and takes you away from that situation can help you heal.

My DD is in therapy over a father like that. I felt I couldn't leave. I now know I stayed too long.

What TacCat49 said. If she grows up and finally finds her through these knots he has her in she'll be asking why:
1/ you allowed it (I realise this one is tricky one, but if you cannot get through to him then this means it's hopeless)
2/ you didn't rescue her

100% what therhoughyfoxsaid

It’s your job to tell her that you know what is happening, that it is wrong and that you love her and will protect her always.

You have a big job to do to actively heal the deep wounds he has caused. You have to work on unpicking her feelings and building her self respect and confidence.

BUT it sounds like you have to find your own first as he is emotionally abusing you as well.

www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/emotional-abuse/

OP you haven't made it worse but he is emotionally abusing her. You cant change him, I would take steps to leave him asap.
Your poor DD. I assume he's not nice to you either...
Hope you can get out soon.

OP you're obviously being abused as well if any attempt to discuss this results in him losing his temper and giving you the silent treatment. And I'd put money on that not being the whole story. Is he critical and cold with you as well? Do you walk on eggshells trying to anticipate and manage his moods? Do you go along with whatever he wants to keep the peace, even if it hurts or inconveniences you? It can be very very hard to stand up to an abuser, or even to recognise that what they're doing is abuse, and if he's spent years training you to be too afraid to have more than a "gentle word" with him, then immediately drop the subject when he sulks, that's a hard dynamic to overcome. It's easy for posters on here to say they'd be raging, incandescent, shout at him, throw him out, film him and play it back to him etc, but the reality of living with an abuser isnt so simple. So don't make your own life harder than it is by adding masses of guilt for not standing up to him into the mix. Your eyes are open now and that's the main thing. Why are you not in a position to leave? Make a list of all your barriers and then start working to over come them one by one. But make no mistake that you do have to leave. You aren't causing the abuse and nothing you can do will fix it or stop it. You can't insulate you daughter from it, and you deserve a better life as well. You just need to leave.

I’d have left a long time ago. She can’t remove herself or protect herself from the situation but you can.

I know several adult who are NC with both parents for situations like this. You can’t change things at that point but you can now.

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings, so true. If a person has the luxury of being incandescent/filming etc. then they are probably not in an abusive situation. It took me 2 decades and a lot of dancing around the issue in my own mind to even realise fully that I was being abused. I like your advice of considering each barrier. For me, talking them through with a (KNOWLEDGABLE) counsellor was invaluable. I thought I couldn't afford to leave but in the end I realised I couldn't afford not to leave.

"She’s also desperate for him to be around her, saying “I wish daddy would play with us” and I can just see her future with a not right man.
Ive tried to gently speak to him about it before but he gets angry, defensive and gives me the silent treatment. I can’t let it go on.
I’m not in a financial position to leave, so I need some way to get him to see how badly it’s affecting her."

This is awful. You can see yourself that your DD is being set up for a lifetime of relationships where she is treated like sh1t because she doesn't believe she deserves any better and that is what normal looks like to her. This is emotional abuse by your OH. He may have suffered from the same as a child and that's a shame but he could have made it his business to learn to do the opposite to his own child instead of perpetuating it. And he's abusing you by punishing you for it when you bring it up. And why are you talking to him about it gently? You need to be fierce. Stand up for your DD.

You say you're not in a financial position to leave. Sorry but that isn't good enough. It has to be an option if your OH doesn't change his behaviour sharpish. You're working so you do have an income but there are also SAHMs who find ways to leave because they know they have to. Leaving might require some preparation and you may need additional support in the form of benefits but surely you owe it to your DD before the damage becomes irreversible. As PP said - if you continue like this, all hell will break loose once she starts dating and she will almost certainly attract boys who will mistreat her and exploit her desire for male affection.

My father treated me this way as a child. I have grown up to have no self confidence, anxiety and depression. And a terrible relationship with my dad. I used to wish my mum would stand up for me and she never did so I grew up resenting her too. Please stand up for your daughter and out a stop to this.

She'll end up being a nervous wreck. The problem is he refuses to acknowledge his behaviour, so it's hard to progress.

I remember when my DH would say things to DDs which he intended as a joke...(for example about their hair) but I pulled him to one side and told him it wasn't nice and it upset them.

He thinks I'm overprotective and that I exaggerate things, but he did stop doing it.

He is abusing your daughter and you are being gentle with him. You do see how wrong that is yes?

You need to leave.

My father was like this. I resent my mother for not leaving. Positive love? You aren’t giving that if you don’t leave, you’re just kidding yourself on that front. I know it’s hard but you have to go.

I had parents like this OP, it’s already been said but you’re setting your poor DD up for lifelong issues here unless something is changed. Please get out, get her away from this man