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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hate the way OH talks to DD

121 replies

Jellyboobs · 24/04/2020 00:36

OH has a short temper and speaks to our DD(8) in anger regularly. If she doesn’t get ready quick enough, if she doesn’t want to eat what is prepared, if she doesn’t listen to his suggestions, if she gets in his way....
Lockdown has just made it worse, as he’s here all the time. I can recognise some of it as how his mum talks to him, critical and inpatient. He openly criticises her choices, obviously can’t be bothered to play with her, to the extent that she darent ask, rolls his eyes about 300 times a day. I’m a key worker so I’m still working a couple of days a week so he does home school with her those days, and if they get to 10am without him shouting and storming off it’s a miracle.
I can see it affecting her, making her nervous and critical of herself. She’s also desperate for him to be around her, saying “I wish daddy would play with us” and I can just see her future with a not right man.
Ive tried to gently speak to him about it before but he gets angry, defensive and gives me the silent treatment. I can’t let it go on.
I’m not in a financial position to leave, so I need some way to get him to see how badly it’s affecting her.

OP posts:
InFiveMins · 24/04/2020 17:05

I think a lot of posters are overreacting about the way he is with her.

Maybe he is stressed or there is something else going on and he doesn't want to be mithered? If he is making something to eat and she whinges about not liking it, I can imagine its annoying. Maybe he just isn't the kind of parent that is playful.

Sounds to me like he needs space and time to himself. If you are at work and she is at home with him, does she not have hobbies to keep herself occupied?

If you aren't prepared to leave there's not much else you can do really, is there? Forcing him to interact with her more will only make it worse and is unlikely to work anyway.

Geordiebabe85 · 24/04/2020 17:06

My dad was very like this to me an my sister and I can't tell u the lasting impact its had on both of us. For a long time I hated my dm for staying with him despite us telling her what an impact it was having. She's still there now.
I'm a teacher and my school is also saying both parents have to be key workers, however if I knew one of my kids was being stressed out like this I would want them in school and I know that the many head teachers I've worked with would bend the rules for a situation like this.

Mrskeats · 24/04/2020 17:12

I am a tutor and work for an online school.
I will give lessons for free so that your daughter can learn without being criticised.
In general though you need to protect your daughter. This can't go on.

Mrskeats · 24/04/2020 17:17

That a joke post infiveminutes?
If you want permanent peace and quiet don't have kids.

MintyMabel · 24/04/2020 17:22

I’m not in a financial position to leave, so I need some way to get him to see how badly it’s affecting her.

If it affecting her badly, you can’t decide to stay because of money.

He is abusive and you shouldn’t subject your daughter to it. He won’t change.

Eesha · 24/04/2020 18:47

I don't think you can make him see, as it's integral to his character. There's more at stake than money. My ex was like this and actually when I was clearing out his old stuff, I found a book about how to talk to kids, obviously from his ex wife to him when they were married!!! You probably have to work out how to get out at some point if you can

BlanketBlue · 24/04/2020 18:48

He is deliberately trying to crush her into becoming a meek, compliant woman. She be needing therapy in later life after a string of abusive relationships with men unless you get her away from him permanently. The good thing is, you've recognised the unhealthy abusive dynamic. Now you must act.

Foxinpopsox · 24/04/2020 18:53

No excuses. How can you stay with a man who’s damaging to your child?? You need to find another solution. Interring go ask if her school will have her but long-term you risk really damaging your little daughter. I’m sorry it sounds harsh but you know this yourself

Foxinpopsox · 24/04/2020 18:53

Interring = in the interim

BumbleBeee69 · 24/04/2020 19:10

Ive tried to gently speak to him

this speaks volumes.. everyone is creeping around his feelings but he gives not a fuck about anyone else's feelings .. Hmm

This is your 8 year old daughter... your child.. get a fucking grip and stop this man/father bullying her and crushing her very soul in front of you... just imagine what he's like when you're not there .. She will not forget this.. neither will she forgive you OP... do something Flowers

Vintagevixen · 24/04/2020 20:45

I've just left a man like this, took me 3 years to resolve the situation, sell the house, moved during a pandemic. But I did it for my DD, I couldn't subject her to any more of my XP's criticism and believe me he reacted exactly as you describe your husband doing.

Me and DD are in our new house now happily spilling crumbs on the floor (complete no no for a single spilt crumb for XP, used to go batshit about even genuine spillage accidents) chilling and laughing. It has been the hardest thing I've ever done but a week in so worth it. DD and I are so relaxed.

Please put some thought into leaving, I only wish I'd done it sooner.

InFiveMins · 24/04/2020 20:54

@Mrskeats nope, not a joke. He probably doesn't want to be mithered by a child all the time. The OP sounds needy in her post - her DD needs to learn to play by herself, I never used to ask for my dad to play because I knew he was busy. And she's said she's not going to leave him so she needs to give him space otherwise it will affect their daughter more than it is already.

millymaple · 24/04/2020 20:58

I think a lot of posters are overreacting about the way he is with her.

People shared their personal experiences.

millymaple · 24/04/2020 20:58

So kindly don’t belittle that.

millymaple · 24/04/2020 21:02

@InFiveMins you haven’t understood at all have you?

FabbyChix · 24/04/2020 21:07

I’m
Sorry but there is. I way I. Hell I’d accept that ever. I hate aggression if anyone talked to my kids in that manner they wouldn’t be near my kids. Why is your kid coming second surely she should be first. You are aware are you not that nurture is what forms personalities the environment our kids are raised in. Ergo it’s possible your child will develop a mental health issue in regards to the aggression she experienced on a daily basis. When my kids dad turned his behaviour on them I kicked him out causes me hell broke my nose in the street when I was with them, had to get w non molestation. But my kids were never subjected to his anger or rage as they grew. No chance I’d do that to my kids

Original poster
Jellyboobs · 25/04/2020 02:46

Thank you everyone so much for your responses, they’ve helped make things clear in my mind.
I’m sure I’ll be back on mn asking for support as we go through the next stages.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences, and how horrible things can be.
@InFiveMins honestly, this is how I’ve been behaving, trying to make sure she’s dressed, that she eats before he gets up, that I make sure everything is ready so there’s nothing he can say or get at us about. He’s not working from home, he’s been furloughed with the occasional bit of freelance stuff but just spends all day on his phone, watching TV or out exercising. He has plenty of time to himself. This evening I played with her in the garden until dinner time, he sat indoors, I stood up to him after he raised his voice to her about taking a plate away from the table and he refused to speak to either of us for the next hour. It’s horrible.
Where we live I can hear dads playing with their kids, having fun, staying up late, having barbecues, and I just want that for her, and for me.

OP posts:
Zupermumm · 25/04/2020 05:58

Virtual hugs to you as my DH does the same to my two boys, and I am also not in a position to leave. A constant mind struggle between staying with him to give the boys nice things and experiences, vs leaving him and struggling on my own. Plus if I leave, it means he will get awarded some access to the kids without my there and that concerns me greatly. I guess I feel that if I am there, I can protect them from him more than if I left and they stayed with him every weekend etc. Its highly stressful.

I have been keeping a record of what he says to them, and when, so that when the time comes I can remind myself how long it has been going on for and all the horrible things he has done. I also call him out for the behaviour a lot, and go to comfort the boys when he has said something hurtful to them. You could maybe start a journal too.

Pennyandthejets · 25/04/2020 06:30

This will cost your daughter years in therapy. Please leave him x

Rainsun1 · 25/04/2020 06:43

@Jellyboobs 8 years old is old enough for a child to be aware. I would not tolerate any man who is speaking to my child in that manner or who can’t be bothered to make an effort. Firstly we all are tired as parents at times and have stressful moments. Bottom line is you have to be adult and speak to the children nicely.

Rainsun1 · 25/04/2020 06:48

@InFiveMins if your own dad was like that maybe that’s why you take that opinion also... Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Her partner should move himself of the house if that’s the case. Nobody is too busy to play with the kids for an hour!

Bellecurves · 25/04/2020 06:55

You can model good behaviour for him and praise it when you see it from him. It might be that he doesn't really know how to play and interact with his daughter. A video is a more direct way and offers immediate feedback but I think it would make him more defensive. To be constructive I'd ask him to talk through how he could handle the situations you've filmed differently. You could also try involving him in the problem eg 'daughter has low self esteem these days, what can we do to help her?'. Really feel for you as it's tough changing behaviour but I'm sure you can work on it as a family Flowers

Rainsun1 · 25/04/2020 06:59

A lot of me. Wouldn’t want custody I wouldn’t worry about that at the moment. You don’t have to both be key workers to secure a school place. Many single mothers have got a school place and if you inform the school and sure they will accept your child.

Bellecurves · 25/04/2020 06:59

Ah I've read the follow up posts. Possibly the horse has bolted

Friendsofmine · 25/04/2020 07:10

OP you are going to need a lot of evidence and I don't believe a solicitor would accept illegal filming but a good contemporaneous diary of all incidents of bullying might help you limit contact if that is what you want. Without evidence your DD will probably be made to see him until she's a teenager.