Hate the way OH talks to DD

[Jellyboobs]

OH has a short temper and speaks to our DD(8) in anger regularly. If she doesn’t get ready quick enough, if she doesn’t want to eat what is prepared, if she doesn’t listen to his suggestions, if she gets in his way....
Lockdown has just made it worse, as he’s here all the time. I can recognise some of it as how his mum talks to him, critical and inpatient. He openly criticises her choices, obviously can’t be bothered to play with her, to the extent that she darent ask, rolls his eyes about 300 times a day. I’m a key worker so I’m still working a couple of days a week so he does home school with her those days, and if they get to 10am without him shouting and storming off it’s a miracle.
I can see it affecting her, making her nervous and critical of herself. She’s also desperate for him to be around her, saying “I wish daddy would play with us” and I can just see her future with a not right man.
Ive tried to gently speak to him about it before but he gets angry, defensive and gives me the silent treatment. I can’t let it go on.
I’m not in a financial position to leave, so I need some way to get him to see how badly it’s affecting her.

Although I agree with a lot of what’s being said, the thing that concerns me is if OP does leave, won’t her OH get joint custody and then have more time alone with the dd?

I believe it’s very difficult to prove that a parent is emotionally abusive and stop contact? So you need to look into that OP and not assume you can just take your dd away from him and keep her away.

He does sound like a bully.

I was going to say what ANoiseAnnoys said. There is another thread on here with a lady whose situation sounds horrific. Her ex has joint custody.

The thing is, my father was the same and my mum divorced him and yes, the time we had to spend with him alone was awful and I definitely still absorbed a lot of emotional damage from it, but better that X 100 than him stay living with us. At least I had somewhere that felt safe, some time to not live in a state of anxiety, some space to not be constantly walking on egg shells. And importantly I had a comparison. I knew that the way I felt at my dad's was not how I felt at my mums. That environment was never normalised to me, I had that comparison of good and healthy parenting to know the way my dad treated me was wrong. I was able to understand from a reasonable age that it was abusive and to limit contact with him as soon as I was old enough. And even though I still had a string of abusive boyfriend, by my mid 20s I had recognised that their behaviour mirrored my father's and taken steps to build up my self esteem and break the cycle. If my parents had stayed together, that behaviour would have been validated and normalised. Coming home from my dad's every other weekend in tears and having my mum say "no that wasn't OK, yes he's a twat, you're right to feel upset" was better imo than the alternative of them staying together and her trying to make excuses for him to "keep the family together".

I know see my dad about once a year BTW op, and he's met his grandchildren twice. By comparison I video call my mum every day and she is very close to my children. Your daughter won't be 8 forever. In a few years she'll be old enough to vote with her feet and one day hopefully cut him out of her life completely.

You are doing the right thing. I married someone who pretended to be a family man but once his feet were under the table it was very similar to how you describe. Months later something clicked and I realised he was not going to learn, change, adapt. He had one setting and that was "abusive". Now my children are thriving and happy. He will never ever change, he may say he will to keep control of you both, but he won't and you have rightly recognised you can't change him and your focus and priority is your little girl and you. Good luck

You'll do well to leave.

This reminds me of my childhood with my stepdad. I was relieved when, when I was 12, he died. Terrible as that sounds. But my mum had already passed and my life would have been awful with him.

And you're correct. I do believe his attitude towards me, combined with my bio dad having 0% involvement in my life, has affected my self esteem and I have allowed myself to be treated badly in relationships as a result, accepting any old shit just to feel wanted on however basic a level.

if OP does leave, won’t her OH get joint custody and then have more time alone with the dd?

No. You fight it in court.

My mum didn’t leave because of that and I think it’s a shit reason and have not forgiven her.

I experienced this with my DS and his DF. It tore me apart to see how he spoke to him. I divorced him and I am very glad that I did. They barely see each other now.

its called emotional abuse...she'll be scarred for life. He sounds a bloody contemptuous Ahole who honestly doesnt deserve his daughter.
Start planning your escape from "DH" for when this is eventually over and in the meantime yes, try a bit of damage limitation for your poor daughters protection.I wish you well.

My xh was like that with our eldest. He refused to recognise it, or that anything was wrong. I left him for it. It was a hard year while the divorce came through and we sold the house, but now we are so so much happier without his criticisms and negativity. The kids see him occasionally, and he is much calmer and nicer to them. I just wish I had left earlier.

Aw my Dad was like this . Leave him

The thing is with regards to joint custody...I can only speak for having someone like him as a gran but...

Mum and I would stay with her for several months of the year (eg: summer, easter hols ect...) and she would stay with us for the same amount of time. So about half the year we would live together. Sometimes more.

They need to shame you. And shaming half requires other people to witness it. So yes, she was more nasty sometimes (not always) when my mum was out BUT I was less fussed. Because what really hurt me was when she bad mouthed me INFRONT of my mum.

She could tell me I was a horrible unfelial child until she was blue in the face but by then id realised she was a nasty old bat so although it made me sad, I could be rational about it. But when my mum came home and i had to sit there and listen to outright lies or nasty comments knowing my mum was listening, it broke my heart. And it broke my heart not knowing if my mum believed all this shit about me too.

The 6 months of the year we were away, I was so happy. Because I knew my mum wasn't constantly going told what a worthless child I was. Because i knew my mother loved me.

So in your kids imagine knowing that there is a safe place to be, where he isnt and knowing that my mum didn't believe his horseshit (so much so that she moved out!) would make me feel so much better. Because then, (in time) I would see that he's just a bitter old fart and that if mum could stand up to him, so could I. Though as she still loves him, it might not be as easy as all that. But I think its important to show her that you think his behaviour is so wrong that you've left.

*so in your kids case, I'd imagine

@wanderlust21 that’s really sad. How is your relationship with you your mum now, did you ever tell her how your gran made you feel?

Your poor DD, you need to find a way to get rid of him. He’s not going to change and your DD is already damaged from this.

My mum and I are really close now. Speak every day. I ramble on about narcissists a lot these days and have hinted on the odd occasion about it being in the family (Both my mums sisters married horrible men ect...).

But she loved her mum (she was the golden child) so I dont want to be mean about her. My mum has always been the sort who needs to run around after ppl (a touch of codependency I suppose) She even has a bestie who is exactly like her mum was.

But in recent years she has became much better at saying no to ppls bullshit. Really proud if her tbh. I think some of the conversations we have had about some people just being nasty at heart have helped. Also probably just as we get older we tolerate shit less lol.

So yeah, we're good. I wonder if my gran had lived another decade...another decade of bitterness and trying to play us off against one another, if we would still have ended up so close. But as is, alls well that ends well. With regards to the mother daughter relationship at least.

He sounds awful and damaging. Absolutely vile. I bet he doesn't talk to his friends or boss like this- just his own dd, a child. Disgusting bully.

You know what to have to do, op. Protect your child.

Go absolutely batshit.

You are massively underreacting here OP. Go nuclear until he stops or get out. Trying to 'make nice' isn;t going to cut it. You just look weak to both of them.
Grow a set and get away from him. He is a nasty bully.

I agree with @Sign and @NotNow. I know it’s horrible for you but right now you’re not showing your DD that she comes first as you’re allowing this to happen in her eyes. Trust me I’ve been the daughter here

I was brought up with a step father like this. It has affected me in so many ways and still does to this day, please protect your daughter.

@Jellyboobs it might help you to keep a secret diary of incidents for the next few weeks. If you have enough evidence against your husband it could provide proof of the emotional abuse for a future custody case.

Does he also speak to you in the same way?

My dad was nowhere near as bad as this but he was critical and judgemental of me. He made me feel my thoughts and wishes were wrong. I never got over it. And he was much nicer and kinder than your partner.

These men make you choose between them or your child. You need to do more than plan your escape, you need to let your child see you stand up for them.