Hate the way OH talks to DD

[Jellyboobs]

OH has a short temper and speaks to our DD(8) in anger regularly. If she doesn’t get ready quick enough, if she doesn’t want to eat what is prepared, if she doesn’t listen to his suggestions, if she gets in his way....
Lockdown has just made it worse, as he’s here all the time. I can recognise some of it as how his mum talks to him, critical and inpatient. He openly criticises her choices, obviously can’t be bothered to play with her, to the extent that she darent ask, rolls his eyes about 300 times a day. I’m a key worker so I’m still working a couple of days a week so he does home school with her those days, and if they get to 10am without him shouting and storming off it’s a miracle.
I can see it affecting her, making her nervous and critical of herself. She’s also desperate for him to be around her, saying “I wish daddy would play with us” and I can just see her future with a not right man.
Ive tried to gently speak to him about it before but he gets angry, defensive and gives me the silent treatment. I can’t let it go on.
I’m not in a financial position to leave, so I need some way to get him to see how badly it’s affecting her.

Is he likely to be violent OP? If not, I would just end it with him now. So what if he gives you the silent treatment etc. It won’t be any worse than what he’s already doing.
Do you have family nearby you could stay with?

I would be incandescent and would not allow this cruelty. This bully is emotionally/verbally abusing your little 8 year old child. I shudder to think of the fear she is living with and the damage being done to her self-esteem by her own father

This.

Is he her father?

A man by any means necessary is no way to live. You surely can't bring yourself to love a man who treats a child like that? How can you let him touch you? He's a piece of shit and I hope your daughter tells someone.

I'm NC with my mum due to her bullying had behaviour but Im not like that with my DCs. I'm an adult and I don't do excuses, I have a heart I'm a mum it's not all about me. & If I did, not 1 excuse would include bringing a man into my home that makes my DCs childhood unhappy.

Also what TacCat49 has said is entirely true.

All for the sake of having a man and not wanting to inconvenience yourself by leaving FFS.

Talking 'gently' indeed🙄. 2020 and cock before child is still a thing, I despair.

You need to leave him. It would be selfish not to do so. Do not put a man before your child.

OP - go back through this thread and re-read all the ones from adults who lived your DD life. This isn’t some random hysterical over reacting speculation on MN - these specific posts are real life evidence based experiences - and they are telling you repeatedly how it is and will be for your DD - the emotional injury that is inflicted day in day out will crush her soul, she will be in so much pain, she will be burdened with long term MH problems that will impact what she is capable of achieving in life and she will drift into abusive relationships. She will one day know why she is in so much pain, why her life is fucked, who did it to her and who stood by and facilitated. She will hate you.

All this guff from PP about money and giving DCs a higher standard of material life and experiences - at the expense of their own personal emotional growth is so flawed.

You health is your wealth. Your MH is gold. The foundations are laid in childhood - the job of parents is to nourish and grow healthy kids with a strong emotional core, who know their worth and can live a fruitful happy adult life. You can’t do that if someone crippled you with anxiety. Often these issues are masked in childhood as parents cloud it all - but look at all of the young adults who fall into MH crisis - even low level anxiety is like a drag anchor on your life. See him as a toxic pollutant, eroding your DD from the inside out. Get out and spend the next 8 years repairing the damage he has done to her.

How was your own childhood OP? Do you feel controlled by him? All of the accommodating you are doing around setting your DD up before you leave for work would indicate to me that you jump through hoops not to annoy him - have you learnt that? Are you hoping your DD will adapt her childhood and live a life walking on eggshells to do the same?

I am glad that you realise that you need to separate from this man for the sake of your daughter. I am sure that you will get a lot of sound practical advice and support on these boards

You have already had some amazing advice and sound like you are going to act on it. I hope you do.
My entire adult life (no exaggeration) has been affected by abuse on the level of what you describe. I felt abandoned, lost, and hated. I internalised it (as children have no other option to do when they are in situations like this) into self-hatred, self-abandonment, confusion and misery. My adult relationships, my work, every part of my life is tainted by my core beliefs which are fucked. I have ended up friends (I use that term loosely) with women who either allow abuse in their family homes or tell me about how they shout at their kids and control them and my friendships crumble frequently as I sit time and time again with people who believe that is is ok to belittle, terrify, and control children. It is bullshit. No amount of financial security is worth destroying your child's self-worth. The two things are incomparable. Get out, run, now. And beware of other women who will minimise your situation because they have normalised it themselves. Don't listen to them, trust the part of yourself which started this post. Protect yourself and your child. Leave.

This 'She will one day know why she is in so much pain, why her life is fucked, who did it to her and who stood by and facilitated. She will hate you.' I will never forgive my Mum. I don't hate her as a person, I quite like her really, but I will never, ever forgive what went on in my childhood.

There is no “cock before kids” thank you. How could I sleep with him with how he behaves? I spoke “gently” because I want it to be better and getting it wrong makes it worse.
I really appreciate people being so generous as to give me their stories, to open up to help me. I don’t appreciate being got at in an already bloody horrible situation.
My dad worked away on the rigs, my mum has ME and mental health issues, still has MH issues, they divorced when I was 15, after he had an affair. There was no DV, but maybe I look for safety where I shouldn’t.

Jellyboobs it sounds like you yourself may have experienced emotional neglect in your own childhood if neither of your parents were able to be fully “present” for you even if it was not their fault due to work or illness. This emotional neglect may have left you with a blueprint for relationships of v low expectations - and that’s why you are with a difficult man. But the difference here is that he is actively emotionally abusing your DD and you know this is wrong deep in your core because you posted here.

Many of us who had emotionally deficient childhoods struggle with boundaries because our “normal” really isn’t. The following book I found really helpful (also on audible) as it showed me where the gaps in my parenting were and how to turn it around quite quickly. Be confident that you will find your way through this. You need to be v overt with your DD that this is not good enough, she deserves much better, she is wonderful, unique, precious and worthy of love.

www.amazon.co.uk/Book-Wish-Your-Parents-Children/dp/0241250994?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@Gutterton thank you. I know my past isn’t an excuse, and am working now to turn this situation around.

'I look for safety where I shouldn’t.' I do this too. It helps me to recognise that. It feels like the first step out of hell. Good luck. You've got this.

He sounds awful and damaging. Absolutely vile. I bet he doesn't talk to his friends or boss like this- just his own dd, a child. Disgusting bully.

100% this. Funny how bullies can control their behaviour depending on the audience.

Your OP was upsetting, your update about sulking/ignoring you both for an hour is repulsive. He's an overgrown child. Pathetic.

I really feel for you and your DD. I had a dad who pretty much pretended I didn't exist when I was in the room. I remember asking him questions and he would blank me. I still feel humiliated when I think about it.

Luckily I have an amazing DH so all is not lost it did take my mum until I was 16 to leave him, unfortunately.

Some brilliant advice on here. Keep posting for support.

I really feel for you OP, my mum is still with my emotional abusive stepfather and now I have a child of my own I can’t understand why she didn’t leave him when he was so, so awful to both of us.
The scars and pain effect me every single day but I also have empathy for my mum. She was abused by her father and has no clue what a loving relationship should be like.
Instead she tip toes around on egg shells so he doesn’t explode, what a way to live hey.

God, please leave him. Honestly please leave him. I see so much of what you've written in my father and how he treated me. He came in and out of our lives and when I was about 5 he was back in our lives to stay. My self esteem plummeted, I doubted myself, I walked on egg shells. My first relationship was abusive and I have no doubt I accepted the mistreatment, being talked down to and yelled at because it was what I was acquired to from a man who also was my "protector". It sends terribly mixed messages to your LO and I would suggest you leave to repair her self esteem and give her a better start. I felt bad for my mother as a child because I felt that she had to put up with the crap too but honestly as an adult a part of me resents her for not doing anything. Be the change, do sonething. Leave.

Well done op. You have taken a big step in talking about this.
You sound like you are now going to be gathering yourself together to get th and your dd out of this situation. That's not been easy for you to do and give yourself a pat on the back.

Start getting your ducks in a row, who owns the house? Will you leave or him etc.
maybe that old cupboard needs clearing out, he will likely take little interest in what you are doing anyway if he's anything like mine was. As you go thru pick out things you are really bothered about. Pics of paperwork you might need etc. Pretend your on a spring cleaning mission, right thru the house.

I thought lockdown would be highlighting to a lot of people things they want to change about their life.

I wish you and your daughter luck and happiness.

What a nasty man. Your poor DD. Can you explain why you stay with him? Why do you allow his treatment of her to continue?

As a school, we’d take her as vulnerable due to safeguarding issues in the home.

I’m really glad you’re making moves and can see his behaviours isn’t acceptable. Good luck in the next stages OP, he is likely to get nasty but don’t give in! You feel so much better once he is gone and look back on this with relief

You know what, my mum used to say she didn’t appreciate being got at when I begged her to leave, to make him leave, to get a divorce. You get to tell people you don’t like being got at. Your daughter has someone getting at her every day, someone she is meant to be able to trust and rely on.

Please act now.

Signed, someone who is 39, has had 5 years of therapy and 3 nervous breakdowns because my mother didn’t leave.

My school would take your daughter at the moment if you explained this situation.