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Original poster

End of honeymoon period or worse??

129 replies

Jamill · 22/04/2020 17:17

So I have been with my bf for 8 months with us both coming out of long term relationships due to husband/wife affair.

The relationship has been really good, we get on so well, have a good connection etc and he is a lovely genuine man, I have kids and he doesn't.

Fast forward to coronavirus crisis and he has moved in so we have spent the last 4 weeks together constantly, it's like he doesn't really notice me anymore, never comments on how I look or shows any affection. It makes it sound like I am needy but it's just that it is so different from how it was before. He is really difficult to speak to as he just seems to shut down when talking about things, and I am worried to keep bringing it up as scared will push him away further.

Before this we were just seeing each other at weekends really put planned to move in together once my house sale has gone through.

Does this sound like its just the way it will be now and the honeymoon period is over? It's making me feel rubbish about myself and feel like I am never going to be happy.

OP posts:
velocitygirl7 · 23/04/2020 09:13

No advice, just yet again bloody staggered and saddened that I'm reading that someone has moved a stranger into their child's home.
And yes, at 8 months you may feel good about the relationship, you may feel that it has potential but to your dc he is a stranger and means nothing to them.
They are both at very very tricky ages to deal with your new relationship too, did you not think the whole global crisis/isolation was enough for them to cope with?
Just so fed up of reading these sort of threads!!

Giganticshark · 23/04/2020 09:31

Is he temporarily living with you because of coronavirus, or are you seriously considering this as a permanent thing?! Ask WHY

Techway · 23/04/2020 09:47

I really want this relationship to work

This is not healthy. If you take this approach you will overlook all the red flags.

Plesse don't deceive yourself, it will only lead to your own heartache. Don't be afraid of being alone. Life as a single mum can be really, really great.

Jojoxoxo1992 · 23/04/2020 10:00

I have been with my boyfriend for around a year plus. Was very into me for the pass 11 months. But now I felt like he's no longer interest in me. What should I do?

Giganticshark · 23/04/2020 10:06

Jojo, leave? Or be with him forever and hope he falls back in love with you? What magic answer are you expecting

FinallyHere · 23/04/2020 10:30

am just hoping once lockdown is over

I would find a good moment when you are alone and ideally doing something side by side to ask him how he is feeling, and listen. Say you have noticed this difference and listen.

It may take a few goes.

He will tell you, though you do need to listen to what he actually says and not just 'hope' that things will get better.

If you can't talk about things, it's probably better to not live in the same place.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 23/04/2020 10:41

Wow, what a pile in. Ive been with my bf for 8 months, and he is also amazing with my 4 DC....why is that so hard for people to understand? It does happen you know

Gutterton · 23/04/2020 10:52

I really want this relationship to work

This is a statement that you never have to make if it is working. RS especially at these early days should be organic and about the attraction and chemistry. It’s only down the line that real life logistics add challenges and those are the things that you can adapt to make the RS easier.

But early doors the chemistry is all wrong. He doesn’t meet your emotional needs - those are the “feelings” in your gut that are unsettling you. You are not compatible. He has his natural level of affection and interaction and this does not meet your needs. That’s who he is it won’t change.

Saying you want it to work is like saying I want this dress to be green when it is red.

Sunshineandflipflops · 23/04/2020 10:55

I have some sympathy as my bf of 8 months was staying for a week or two when lockdown was announced (he lives an hour's drive away) so now he is here for the duration of lockdown as he doesn't have a car and wouldn't have been able to get 2 trains home.

Anyway, it's going fine and he'd already me my kids, who are a bit older but we both know that this is temporary and as soon as lockdown is relaxed he will be going home. We seem to have skipped a few years from dating and seeing each other a night in the week/every other weekend to being a married couple and I'm not comfortable with that at this stage! I'm looking forward to going back to how it should be at 8 months and also to having my own space back. Space is something I have got used to and enjoy and to not have a minute to myself is getting to me.

Basically, I think what you are experiencing is pretty normal once you move in with someone I'm afraid.

imapenguinlover · 23/04/2020 10:57

I don't normally comment, just browse but can't stop myself with this one.

I knew already but was going to ask if you're previous relationship had been emotionally abusive/coercive/controlling but I see you e just stated that it was controlling. You are not ready for a relationship, you're mind still has to make the tradition from it being all about him (you're old and wrong current way of thinking) to it's all about me and my kids. What do I want? What is healthy for MY kids? What expectations do I have in a new partner? What are MY boundaries?.......if this is not how your mind is currently operating then you're sleep walking into another potentially abusive relationship.

This is not a guess, this is what I've had to work through and it's taken 2 years of being single to get there AND I just dodged a bullet with my first go at a relationship after 2 years. Was long distance for 6 months. Got all the love bombing, texts, phone calls, lavish dinners, expensive hotels, gifts. He moved to my country with no where to live - tried to move in with me. Found him somewhere to stay but was spending a lot of time at my house. I honestly thought "who the fuck is this person in my house?!" Thought my kids liked him, they told me they did. He was glued to his phone, shut down, just weird. I ended it after 3 weeks. He's finally fucked off back to his own country after 2 months worth of harassment and police involvement.

AND my kids did NOT like him!!!!!! You're kids are telling you what you want to hear.

CaptainBlunderpants · 23/04/2020 11:08

Yet another ‘I’ve rushed my boyfriend into my house before lockdown and now it’s not working out’ thread. With kids. Again. 🙄

RantyAnty · 23/04/2020 11:11

@imapenguinlover
You're right about this.
A lot of kids will pretend as they think that's what a parent wants to hear.

OP I would not be trying to get pregnant.
You hardly know him.
I wouldn't be moving in with him either.

There are so many men out there and a bit dangerous to latch on to the first one not being a 1st class arsehole.

With him staying with you, he really should be doing his fair share around the house. Cleaning up, doing laundry, etc. as he does live there too. Are you too afraid to ask him to do things?
He should just help out anyway without being asked. Any guest would.

RUSU92 · 23/04/2020 11:26

Why on Earth move him in so soon??

Confused erm.. lockdown?! Given the option of not being able to see him at all for months on end, or moving him in, why do you think she moved him in?

OP this is a good test for your relationship - turns out it has shown you that once he has his feet under the table he will relax to the point of not showing you affection or romance. It doesn’t have to be like that. I’ve been with DP for 8 years and we still have lots of romance and affection. We don’t live together but spend 50% of the time together usually and often go on holiday for 10-14 days just the two of us, and still keep the magic alive! You don’t have to live together to make it work out long term so have a chat and say that you would like him to move back to his place - you’ve got through the worst of it and hopefully the restrictions will be lifted in the not too distant future so you can resume your date nights etc.

velocitygirl7 · 23/04/2020 11:53

@RUSU92 'testing a relationship' isn't really an option when children are involved!
This situation is hugely damaging for dc, I've seen it time and time again in my job and I get so bloody fed up of people rushing into relationships with people they barely know.

tenlittlecygnets · 23/04/2020 12:22

Why on Earth move him in so soon??

erm.. lockdown?! Given the option of not being able to see him at all for months on end, or moving him in, why do you think she moved him in?

That still doesn't answer my question, thank you @RUSU92 Hmm And it's not a good enough answer, to my mind.

OP said earlier: It wasn't really anyones decision for him to move in and he hasn't officially just has stayed here during the lockdown it was either that or not see each other at all.

So, looks like they didn't discuss it, it just kind of happened. Not the kind of thing that is sensible with such a new rel'ship, esp. with dc to consider!

midnightstar66 · 23/04/2020 12:37

He's showing his real self OP. It's far easier to keep a pretence up 2 days a week - probably lucky for everyone it happened now rather than when you'd made more permanent plans

GingerBeverage · 23/04/2020 13:05

I suppose it is just normal now but I haven't been in a new relationship since I was 17 so just new to me really. Yeah living with my ex was exactly like this but we had been together for a long time, more about me and how i feel about myself probably.

So is this your second relationship in your life?

peppermintcapsules · 23/04/2020 13:14

What the actual fuck is the point of him???

To have A Man in one's life and not be single. Some people literally can't be and would rather put up with any ol' scrap than be single.

SimonJT · 23/04/2020 13:30

We’ve moved in for lockdown as well, accidentally at first as my son had symptoms when my boyfriend was over, then it became apparent my boyfriend couldn’t go home as his flatmate has CF. We looked at airbnbs etc as another option.

Before lockdown we were having 1-2 over nights a week, we’re less affectionate as we have my four year old around, so you can’t just behave in the same way. Plus when you’re together 24/7 it does ease off a bit for some people.

We compliment each other less on appearance (we both look like slobs), but being gracious about things hasn’t changed and we aren’t big on compliments anyway. I have a chris kamaraesque moustache, I’m getting lots of ‘compliments’ about that!

I have a four year old, so it has been a huge change for my boyfriend to go from seeing my son twice a week to living with him.

But, I can say anything to him and he to me, whats his excuse for not being willing to talk?

chatterbugmegastar · 23/04/2020 13:46

*My kids are fine, their feelings and needs come before anyone else.

Think you’re deluding yourself. If you really thought that then you would not have moved him in.*

This ^

Also - your bf has changed his behaviour because now you've moved in with him , he feels that he doesn't need to try any more. So ....you're seeing who he truly is

Get out now. This is not the right man for you or your children

Herecomestreble1 · 23/04/2020 15:33

When looking through your other threads the timescales you've mentioned here don't make sense.

Giganticshark · 23/04/2020 17:02

She's not coming months. Hang on a few months she'll be pregnant and even more miserable

FallonSwift · 23/04/2020 20:15

Wow, what a pile in. Ive been with my bf for 8 months, and he is also amazing with my 4 DC....why is that so hard for people to understand? It does happen you know

And what if he hadn't been 'amazing' with them? At 8 months the relationship is still new and in the honeymoon phase. Children don't have any choice over who gets moved in and out of their lives and homes.

BackseatCookers · 23/04/2020 20:56

Wow, what a pile in. Ive been with my bf for 8 months, and he is also amazing with my 4 DC....why is that so hard for people to understand? It does happen you know

Loads of things that happen frequently are still things people think are poor decisions.

You have started a thread saying your relationship is now unhappy.

You have started a thread saying you now feel invisible to your boyfriend.

You have started a thread saying your boyfriend doesn't compliment you any more.

It's a bit odd to turn around to say to posters they are all wrong for thinking it was a monumental error of judgemental to move in a boyfriend after seven months when you have children.

It was selfish and foolish and unfortunately now you're experiencing the consequences of the decision.

It's not the end of the world but that doesn't mean people on a public, anonymous forum aren't able to tell you what a silly thing it was to do and that it isn't reflective of a parent putting their child first.

Throwing a tantrum when people think your decision making has been awful isn't very mature really is it.

CaptainBlunderpants · 23/04/2020 20:59

Your DH only left a year ago and you’ve moved someone else in already??Hmm