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Original poster

End of honeymoon period or worse??

129 replies

Jamill · 22/04/2020 17:17

So I have been with my bf for 8 months with us both coming out of long term relationships due to husband/wife affair.

The relationship has been really good, we get on so well, have a good connection etc and he is a lovely genuine man, I have kids and he doesn't.

Fast forward to coronavirus crisis and he has moved in so we have spent the last 4 weeks together constantly, it's like he doesn't really notice me anymore, never comments on how I look or shows any affection. It makes it sound like I am needy but it's just that it is so different from how it was before. He is really difficult to speak to as he just seems to shut down when talking about things, and I am worried to keep bringing it up as scared will push him away further.

Before this we were just seeing each other at weekends really put planned to move in together once my house sale has gone through.

Does this sound like its just the way it will be now and the honeymoon period is over? It's making me feel rubbish about myself and feel like I am never going to be happy.

OP posts:
MiddlesexGirl · 22/04/2020 21:20

Might the indecisiveness be because it's your home and your children so he feels he should defer to you?

Might he feel a bit more awkward about being more obviously affectionate in front of the children? Perhaps he is more tired than usual because he's used to being on his own more rather than having the constant buzz of young children?
Perhaps without the impetus of 'dates' he doesn't really feel the need to make any special effort and is just chilling around the house as he would if he was on his own. Perhaps it will take time for him to mirror the way you are affectionate as an 'always on' state rather than a 'date's state if you get what I mean.
Maybe schedule some lockdown dates?
Plus everything is a bit surreal at the moment. I wouldnt be too hasty unless it's really bothering you until lockdown is over.

AutumnCrow · 22/04/2020 21:23

The bottom line is, you don't know him.

Original poster
Jamill · 22/04/2020 21:32

Middlesexgirl i think you are right on all your points. He never wants to overstep with the kids and any questions he always defers back to me and maybe he does feel a bit like a guest still.

You are right about the affection in front of the kids too, I hadn't thought about that although they have been going to their dads and not much changes when they aren't here.
He is normally really busy with work and had kind of gone into shut down mode so maybe just the mood he is in. The dates thing sounds like a really good idea, am going to try that.

OP posts:
Techway · 22/04/2020 21:33

Don't make excuses..this phase is supposed to be the best it will ever be.

If it isn't then you will be settling. Are you planning to buy with him and if so do you have similar finances?

Original poster
Jamill · 22/04/2020 21:37

I definitely don't want to settle, and won't do that if it turns out this is how it is going to be long term. We are planning on renting for about a year and then buying somewhere together. He is better off financially but have a similar wage coming in.

OP posts:
triedandtestedteacher · 22/04/2020 21:59

Why are you merging finances with someone with no commitment? Mumsnet is filled with women moaning that they can't get rid of boyfriend because he's on the mortgage etc or they're living with a man that doesn't want to marry them and treats them like crap. You've got kids. A guy has to be really really committed and totally in love with you for it to even stand a chance of working. I doubt this guy is. Raise the bar and let him step up or ship out.

Original poster
Jamill · 22/04/2020 22:05

I am not merging finances with him, when we move in together everything will be 50/50 and we aren't planning on getting a mortgage together for at least another year. I definitely need to raise the bar but will cut him a bit if slack while everything is all over the place, this isn't something I could live with long term.

OP posts:
Aly92 · 22/04/2020 22:13

I think it’s too early and he might be finding it a bit too much. He’s not really changed your just seeing the real him because your living together now. It’s too early to tell if things will change. Don’t pressure yourself to make it work. If he’s starting to slack now it’s downhill from here. Trust me I know

Babooshkar · 22/04/2020 22:30

If you can’t talk to him about how you feel, he’s already stopped being affectionate then really what’s the point?

OP, your comments (some excuses tbh) are all about HIM and how you’re second guessing how he feels and what he wants.. It comes across quite emotionally immature (no offence) - if you’re too scared / anxious to have a proper discussion with this man it certainly proves most people’s points about him moving in too soon.

As for your kids - regardless of whether they like this guy, want him around etc.. You’ve still created a relationship blueprint for them, but introducing and moving in a guy that you hardly know.. You may know how he acts on dates or when he’s wooing you, but 8 months is frankly, sod all time to properly know someone, especially when you’re going to let them live in the same home as your children.

I think you’re being a bit ignorant here, sorryConfused

Original poster
Jamill · 22/04/2020 22:42

Some really fair points there Babooshkar maybe I have rushed things but we are where we are now and I really want this relationship to work. I think I find it difficult as was with the same person in quite a controlling relationship for 15 years.

OP posts:
thefourgp · 22/04/2020 23:26

You’re in denial OP. You can’t talk openly about your feelings (you should be able to say how you feel and he then acknowledge that by taking action to support you), you’re doing most of the housework (I suspect you’ve actually taken in a man child who will treat you like a servant and you’re letting him - psychologists say that once a relationship dynamic is formed it is incredibly unusual for it to change and you sound more like his mum than his partner), he’s not affectionate (you should be still at it like rabbits at the eight month stage) and you keep blaming yourself and making excuses (like you probably did throughout your previous abusive relationship).

In your adult life you’ve only been single for less than a year. It’s not long. I think you’re settling once again. You need to ask him to move out. Everyone makes mistakes and most want to be in a happy relationship but there are big red flags telling you that’s not what this will be. Please don’t ignore them. It’s easier to get out now before you become more entangled with him.

billy1966 · 22/04/2020 23:29

OP,
I also agree that it's always very hard to believe how quite some women move a man they have barely met in.

I mean this kindly and respectfully when i write this...
You're feeling a bit taken for granted and like the furniture as all the effort he used to make with you has evaporated.

Respectfully, you moved him in after 5 minutes...we teach people how to treat us.

It wasn't difficult to move into your house, he didn't have to put much effort in, did he? Ye were together 7 months and in he moves.

I just think the bar is so low, perhaps he feels he doesn't really have to make much of an effort, as you barely know him and you moved him in.

Its not the actions of a women who values herself, has high standards, and high expectations, on how she'd like to be treated.

In essence, you made it very, very easy for him.
Too easy.

Whatever you say to yourself, it is not easy on children having men they don't know being moved in.

Frankly I can't imagine how hard it is for children.

God luck. Flowers

thefourgp · 22/04/2020 23:29

‘I really want this relationship to work’. That comment is really telling. It’s not so much you don’t want to be without him (you’ve previously said you’ll be glad when you’re both back to work and don’t see each other as much) but that you want to be in a relationship. It’s more important to you right now that you not be single than you be in a relationship with someone you’re well matched with.

LovingLola · 22/04/2020 23:42

I was single for around a year

Not according to your thread in March 2019 when your ex husband told you it was over.
If you have been with your current dp for 8 months then you were single for 4 months - not a year.
Why are you not able to be honest with yourself? Why are you so desperate to have a man? Is it the case that any man is better than no man?

thefourgp · 23/04/2020 00:05

You’re right LovingLola. She was only single for four months. Jamill you’ve said you were devastated when your ex ended the relationship last March. You’ve also posted on another thread that you stopped taking the pill at the beginning of this month and are trying for a baby. You’re not being honest with yourself or the other posters on this thread. You’ll do anything not to be single. I understand it must be very scary if that’s all you’ve known since you were 17 years old but there’s lots of positive sides to being single and independent.

Opentooffers · 23/04/2020 00:14

Could it be that you have been a bit too used to a man in the home making all the decisions given your ex was controlling? TBF when you complained about having to make all the decisions my first though was, that is a good thing, not something to complain about. It's good that he hasn't taken over once moving in as it's not his place or family and it seems he respects that.
Not being affectionate, I couldn't live with, as I'm a touchy feely person, but each to their own and perhaps he's just not like that generally and you are finding this out.
Regarding your children, it's good they like him, however, if this does not work out, they will miss him when he's gone, and they may be more guarded in the future because you will have taught them that father figures are transient in life, there is always a risk of that when anyone moves in, which is why it's the responsible thing to do to take time when dating someone to really get to know them and know there's a future. There are not necessarily obvious signs right now that children are affected, but it can affect how they are about forming attachment in the future, which it sounds you've not considered.

Aloe6 · 23/04/2020 00:46

Ask him to move out. It’s too soon for him to be moving in with your children anyway but if he isn’t making an effort it’s all far too comfortable for him.

Gutterton · 23/04/2020 00:52

Yes he pays his way I am no better or worse off financially with him being here.

Is he better off financially by being in your home? He hasn’t (or you haven’t let him) stepped up with the chores - you say you are doing the same as before. So if he was living alone before - he is now doing less.

Sounds like he put his feet up when he met you.

You have another wrong-un.

He targeted a vulnerable young woman with a house 4 months after her marriage imploded.

He has love- bombed you until he hit his feet under the table.....and sounds like he is future faking you as well....with the long term plans.

You don’t know this man. What’s his RS history?

But you KNOW all of this because your gut is screaming at you but you refuse to listen.

You need time out from men to settle your DCs and process and rebuild your self esteem and boundaries after your marriage.

And yes your DCs are missing out because they need their DMs 100% focus right now - not either a love struck couple or a DM sad, anxious and preoccupied about a shabby RS with an emotionally unavailable cocklodger.

Ask him to move back out and spend your time working on your own emotional injury so that you can be the best DM you can for your DCs.

SunshineGarden19283 · 23/04/2020 04:17

Do you plan on marriage before buying together ?

What is he putting towards the property together ?

He is not putting in any effort at 8 months
So why would you want to do the 2 things above ?

Giganticshark · 23/04/2020 05:01

Christ, I have just read your previous threads. Go on, get pregnant, ruin your children's and yours lives. Have fun. He won't change.

newstarting · 23/04/2020 06:00

You haven’t even known him a year and you’ve already moved him in and planning another baby! and now you’re on here because surprise surprise the relationship has hit problems. Your poor kids. When they grow up with psychological problems I hope you’ll be paying the bill for that! Do you even think about them at all! What’s wrong with you!

Intothefuture · 23/04/2020 08:43

Are you pregnant op?

hellsbellsmelons · 23/04/2020 08:44

It's making me feel rubbish about myself and feel like I am never going to be happy
Just why are you putting up with this and not talking to him about it?

He is really difficult to speak to as he just seems to shut down when talking about things
You need to be strong here. You either discuss things like grown ups or he fucks off!!!

You aren't happy. You feel like crap. He won't talk.
What the actual fuck is the point of him???
Other than to make you feel shite!!????

AgentJohnson · 23/04/2020 08:57

So you moved him in after about .6.5/ 7 months and expect your kids to share a house with s bloke you barely know never mind them!

This

Yes the honeymoon is over, the dynamic change is because he doesn’t feel the need to try. This is your future, congratulations!

Ilovetheseventies · 23/04/2020 09:12

Well we don't really know his side of the story. What was he like when you first met him. Was he full of promises and telling you all that you wanted to hear? He must have been as keen as you.
He probably is feeling over whelmed and doesn't want to say particularly at the moment.
You need to take back some control and move him out!
We've all made mistakes though so don't be hard on yourself or take some of the comments on here to heart. No one on mum's net know the full story.
Just think of a good way of sorting it out. It's really not a natural situation to be in. It wouldn't be even without the corona virus. How old are you btw?