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Relationships

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Original poster

End of honeymoon period or worse??

129 replies

Jamill · 22/04/2020 17:17

So I have been with my bf for 8 months with us both coming out of long term relationships due to husband/wife affair.

The relationship has been really good, we get on so well, have a good connection etc and he is a lovely genuine man, I have kids and he doesn't.

Fast forward to coronavirus crisis and he has moved in so we have spent the last 4 weeks together constantly, it's like he doesn't really notice me anymore, never comments on how I look or shows any affection. It makes it sound like I am needy but it's just that it is so different from how it was before. He is really difficult to speak to as he just seems to shut down when talking about things, and I am worried to keep bringing it up as scared will push him away further.

Before this we were just seeing each other at weekends really put planned to move in together once my house sale has gone through.

Does this sound like its just the way it will be now and the honeymoon period is over? It's making me feel rubbish about myself and feel like I am never going to be happy.

OP posts:

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 22/04/2020 19:01

If you feel low, trust your gut instinct. There's nothing wrong with deciding cohabiting isn't working for you right now. You sound unhappy and you have never been single by the sounds of it. Alarm bells are ringing from your posts but only you can decide if this arrangement is working for you and your children. I do agree with the other posters, your children have been through a lot and it can't be easy sharing their mum and their home with someone they don't really know.

rosiepony · 22/04/2020 19:04

Jesus Christ, get him out. You don’t even know this man.

FFS I never usually get histrionic but since one of the best and most lovely nurses in my dept turned out to be a paedo my perspective has changed.

You do not know this man. Put your children first.

Original poster

Jamill · 22/04/2020 19:06

I was single for around a year and am happy to be again if needed. When I have raised things in the past with him he says he is just not used to being with someone that cares so assume he is adjusting too.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 22/04/2020 19:07

He is really difficult to speak to as he just seems to shut down when talking about things

Now you are getting to know the real man. He has his own place - send him there.

Techway · 22/04/2020 19:20

How long were you single? Did you meet him through OLD?

I suspect you have used the highs of the new love/lust phase to mask the grief that comes from ending a marriage, selling the family home and being single and lonely at times.

However living together has made those heightened emotions disappear. Your bf is just being him, he probadly doesn't need to try anymore because you have commited to him. It is to be expected when you are doing the washing up and laundry.

Normally couples have several years of romance and fun and this is the foundation for love so that when mundane happens there is a strong base and long lasting memories, plus good knowledge of each other.

I think it is completely unrealistic to expect "staying up all night" chats as you have children to deal with the next day...can't imagine sex is as relaxed because you have 2 children potentially hearing.

If you think your children are not impacted by this then you are not being honest. They might not show upset because they want to ensure you are happy.

Can you understand why everyone says it's much too quick?

mummmy2017 · 22/04/2020 19:21

If this soon into a relationship he feels he doesn't have to put any effort into a relationship with you, then please realise he never will.
I bet it was you bring romance to your dates and he was willing to just enjoy it.
Your being shown loud and clear he will never bother.

Original poster

Jamill · 22/04/2020 19:28

Techway I was single for around a year, didn't meet online. The kids are honestly ok, they have any worries kids have whose parents are together, my time with the kids is no different now and they spent an equal amount of time at their dads. I can see why people think it is too soon but only I can make the decision on whether that was right or not I suppose.

Mummy2017 he was really good at being romantic and making an effort before it's only been recently but I agree that its worrying that things have now changed, he is either comfortable in the relationship that he doesn't think he needs to make an effort of he doesn't care.

OP posts:

M0chaJoes · 22/04/2020 19:30

Will you ask him to move out? You should. You've underestimated the impact on your children. I don't really judge you but it's an error you need to correct. It's easy to say ' I put my kids first' as that's just words. Prove they come first and ask your new boyfriend to go home

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 22/04/2020 19:32

You don't need to be single if you like him and see potential but living with just your children sounds like a good plan. In just over a year they have been parented by you and your ex, you as a single parent and your ex in a separate household and now you and boyfriend of 8 months. That is a lot for a child. Your eldest is going through a lot of changes (read blame my brain). You are unsure of your relationship. It makes sense to work things out while living apart

isthismylifenow · 22/04/2020 19:35

From only seeing each other over weekends to living together full time is a huge change.

One year of being single after a long marriage is not long at all.

Who suggested he move in with you for lockdown. Was it him or you?

Poppi89 · 22/04/2020 19:36

Everyone is lovely at first, what your seeing now is just his true colours starting to come through.

Lots of people are saying it's too soon to move in with him if you have DCs because if you had waited longer his true colours would have come out before you moved in together.
Unfortunately this is him. Hopefully once your both back at work things will start getting easier again.

mummmy2017 · 22/04/2020 19:41

I don't think his true self would have emerged for a while.
This enforced togetherness has shown he feels he does not need to bother.
But the biggest red flag is not being willing to talk about it.

tenlittlecygnets · 22/04/2020 19:45

Shouldn't be the end of the honeymoon period so soon! Sounds like he thinks he's got his feet under the table and doesn't have to make an effort any more.

Why on Earth move him in so soon??

Techway · 22/04/2020 19:52

he is just not used to being with someone that cares

That statement is a big clue to the fact this is him. I suspect he is fully aware you are commited so he can be who he is.

Do you miss the romance, which made you feel special? Are you worried he will leave you? Or do you not like who he now seems to be?

I can't imagine a teen telling their friends "mum moved her new bf into the house" and feeling chuffed about it.

AutumnCrow · 22/04/2020 20:11

he is just not used to being with someone that cares
the kids are fine
he's great with the kids
things have changed
I feel a little less from him

I genuinely don't think he should be living in your home.

You've been through a huge upheaval, and are still are. You need time to heal properly. This guy just represents a load of badly fitting sticky plasters made with defective glue.

Be kind to yourself.

AbsolomChautney · 22/04/2020 20:14

This is a bad sign in any relationship but after 9 months? Crikey, no.

Original poster

Jamill · 22/04/2020 20:15

It's not that I am worried he will leave me it's more that I won't put up with no effort being made but I also now I am not my normal self either due to lockdown etc so hoping it's just the impact that has had.

It wasn't really anyones decision for him to move in and he hasn't officially just has stayed here during the lockdown it was either that or not see each other at all.

The kids have been through alot of changes and I am always there to help them through that, they really like having him here though. They know the plan is to find somewhere to live together when we move, they are happy that I am happy, my eldest and me are very close and that won't change.

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 22/04/2020 20:22

How has he been around the house? Does he cook, do the washing up, pick up after himself, laundry, hoover, clean the toilet, etc.?

Original poster

Jamill · 22/04/2020 20:26

He is fine around the house, I tend to do most as I feel like its my house and did it before but he always offers and washes pots etc.

OP posts:

Poppi89 · 22/04/2020 20:29

Can you give some examples of he used to do and what he does now?

I don't know if you have a blurred vision of what you thought the relationship was going to be like. It can't be all romance all day every day and men are very good at being extra romantic and caring until they get what they want and then they go back to their normal selves. That's why it's called the honeymoon period because it doesn't last!

Original poster

Jamill · 22/04/2020 20:32

So just little things really but they play on my mind, like just compliments on how I looked, would be closer in the evenings when watching tv. I felt like he fancied me before where as now I feel a bit invisible. I tend to be the one that will show affection now. I suppose all the nice things he did he can't really do now as everywhere is shut like taking me for a meal etc. Maybe it is just what happens in a relationship after a while.

OP posts:

Giganticshark · 22/04/2020 20:56

I have read your posts and you are constantly blaming yourself. Maybe it's not you.... Maybe it's HIM!
Its also easy to blame coronavirus. But you made the decision to live together, albeit temporarily, and now you've seen you're not compatible

Poppi89 · 22/04/2020 21:00

Yes I would say it's definitely normal to not show as much affection to each other as you do in the beginning. But your relationship is less than a year old so it should still be in that stage.

Because you moved in together quite quickly then that period won't last as long but it should have lasted longer than it has.

Original poster

Jamill · 22/04/2020 21:06

Gigantic shark I just don't want to make any decisions on anything if it is me that is just making it in to a bigger thing than it should be. I suppose all I can do is keep raising things with him and see if it changes.

OP posts:

triedandtestedteacher · 22/04/2020 21:19

There's far too many people rushing relationships because of Coronavirus. Wouldn't have moved him in before engagement for any reason especially if you have kids. Far too soon. Ask him to move out and cut down contact. See if he steps up

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