Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands affair at 26 weeks pregnant, advice needed

109 replies

FirstTimeMum1991 · 22/04/2020 13:58

Hi everyone, I actually posted on here back in February when I first discovered my husbands affair. I’ve re read it over the last few months because the advice was just what I needed & now I’m back again.
My husband told me his affair was over, the usual stuff they all seem to come out with: had made a mistake, would regret it for the rest of his life and make it up to me and his un born innocent daughter.
However last night he was caught red handed, with the same girl, in my parents home where he was supposed to be self isolating so he could come and be with me (I left my home city 5 weeks ago as I am vulnerable being pregnant and he was following on) it’s a long story, but I was alerted by an old friend she had seen him out shopping with this girl and luckily I have incredible friends who burst in on them in my parents bedroom...you couldn’t make it up.

Anyway, today he has called to tell me they are in love and are going to be together. A relationship based on lies, deceit and utter betrayal.
Am I just trying to make myself feel better by telling myself it won’t last?

The fall out from this has been monumental, his friends and family have contacted me and let me know I have their full support, as I have done since this all came out in Feb. He is truly alone now, although doesn’t see it yet & thinks friends & family are going to support them both.

I want him to have nothing to do with me or my daughter.
Even though I have my married name (I am looking to change it by deed poll), can I give my daughter my maiden name and do I have to put him on the birth certificate?

I’m sorry it’s such a long post but as I said, the advice & support I got last time was really heart warming, honest and helpful.

Thanks everyone xx

OP posts:
Original poster
FirstTimeMum1991 · 22/04/2020 14:01

I should also make it clear, as far as I was aware we were both working on fixing our marriage and I was working on forgiving his betrayal.

OP posts:
GoodStuffAnnie · 22/04/2020 14:04

Horrific for you.

I am not an expert but just wanted to say although you won't feel like this now, you will be better off without him. You are literally adding years to your life not stressing about this prick and forgiving him.

The sunshine will come out again. I appreciate you feel bad now. Focus on you and the baba. Lots of love. xxx

CtrlU · 22/04/2020 14:05

That is horrible. I’m sorry OP

In YOUR PARENT’s HOME !?! That takes the utter piss !

I’m unsure how it all works when your married but from what I’m aware I thought if you had the option to make surnames double barrel then I would assume you would also have the option and right to make it your surname only.

I have to say; as much as he is a tosser and a complete wanker - I feel like you should still put him on the Birth certificate. I mean he is her dad.

And I’m in no way blaming you at all OP however you did accept he was cheating before and I know it hurts but you did take him back and he obviously betrayed your trust again. I feel like this can’t be a good enough reason for him to be kept off his child’s birth certificate.

Just my opinion though

Good luck with what you do x

FthisS · 22/04/2020 14:08

Gosh this is just awful. I have no advice but what a fucker he is.

Areallthenamestaken · 22/04/2020 14:10

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. What an absolute twat he is.

You can give your baby whatever surname you want, there's nothing to say it even has to be the same as you or your husband's - I teach lots of children where nobody in their family has the same surname due to their culture.

As for the birth certificate, you can decide if you want him on it or not. As you are married you don't need to both be there and one of you could register alone and put both names on or you could go alone and just put yours. I think he may be able to pursue legal action to have his name on the certificate though and as far as I know, he has automatic parental responsibility if the baby is born while you are still legally married.

Figgygal · 22/04/2020 14:10

You are angry I understand that but denying him his parental rights is not the way to go plus my understanding is you wouldn’t be able to make any claims for child-support if he’s not legally recognised as the father and you may need that help financially.

Hope you have lots of support at this very difficult time

HollowTalk · 22/04/2020 14:11

What a complete bastard he is. And what a prize she's got, eh?

You can change your name by deed poll - it's not expensive.

Ifonlywecouldwishuponastar · 22/04/2020 14:11

I'm so sorry to hear this. Thanks keep posting on here there are lots of wise people.

ReadilyAvailable · 22/04/2020 14:19

I don’t think you need to change your name by deed poll. You are totally entitled to have never used a married name at all. And your birth surname is still yours (you can use your birth certificate to prove this when changing your name on passports etc).

As you’re married, his name will probably go on the birth certificate regardless. But you can give the baby your surname.

Your baby does have a right to a relationship with her father though. So there will be contact (unless he decides to be a truly shit father as well as a shit husband) but it probably won’t be overnight for several years.

Original poster
FirstTimeMum1991 · 22/04/2020 14:27

I am angry and also incredibly hurt obviously. Absolutely know it was my decision to try again but it just came down to me trying to honour my vows & create a family for my daughter to be brought in to. I have a horrible habit of seeing the best in people and loving unconditionally.

I’ve heard he can be added to the birth certificate at a later date so I am going to leave him off for now & I will be giving her my surname.
Totally understand this is not the route others will take, but when you’ve been through this whilst pregnant, done the whole pregnancy yourself, had 2 sti tests because of his affair and now having to move out of my own home etc it is clear to me what is right for me and her.

OP posts:
mooching · 22/04/2020 14:27

Sorry you are going through this. I hope that people do ostracise him for such appalling behaviour.

helpmum2003 · 22/04/2020 14:31

What.a scumbag.You will be better off in the long term but very hard now. Take care.

Windyatthebeach · 22/04/2020 14:33

He won't seem such a catch when the Cms are involved...

CtrlU · 22/04/2020 14:34

I’m glad your out of the situation now OP. you don’t deserve to be treated like that.

My son has my surname and his father is on his birth certificate. I made my very VERY clear that he would be having MY name though.

Original poster
FirstTimeMum1991 · 22/04/2020 14:35

So to be clear do you all think I do not have to put him on the birth certificate? Regardless of opinions, can I choose to do that or because we are “legally married” will he have to go on?

OP posts:
CtrlU · 22/04/2020 14:36

When I registered my son; I went alone and I didn’t put his fathers name on his birth certificate originally. And the lady registering him had no questions or objections or even asked details of his father

CtrlU · 22/04/2020 14:38

As far as I’m aware you can go alone and register yourself. When I registered my son no questions were asked about my marital status or the father in question.

It was simply “what’s the baby’s name” and it was done.

Theyweretheworstoftimes · 22/04/2020 14:38

www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth

You might get some clarity here.....

Windyatthebeach · 22/04/2020 14:40

As you are still married legally he has PR as the baby's df if he goes on the bc or not... You can go alone.
You can use any surname you choose.

Original poster
FirstTimeMum1991 · 22/04/2020 14:41

Do you think I should apply to change my name by deed poll or just wait until we divorce and change it that way?

I just don’t know where to begin :(

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 22/04/2020 14:45

I would definitely put him on the birth certificate. That's for your child, not you. I would also definitely give the child my name, though.

I would just revert to your maiden name now and change all bank and utility details at the end of lockdown.

CtrlU · 22/04/2020 14:46

If you plan on giving the child your maiden name OP - I would change my name now via deed pole. Just as I would want my child to have the same surname as me. Really you don’t know how long a divorce will take to finalise...

I have to ask though OP; if him and his mistress broke up and he again promised you he was sorry and would make it up to you; would you take him back again ?

Because if you would then your better off giving your child your husbands surname.

CoffeeRunner · 22/04/2020 14:46

My sister had a similar situation in that she split from her husband while pregnant.

In her case, her ex is on DNeice’s birth certificate because the fact is he is still her father. But DN has, and always has had, DSis’ surname.

Although the break up is horrific. And I’m not under estimating that, I think DD should have both parents on her birth certificate. Is “unknown” still used if no name is provided?

Frankiefree · 22/04/2020 14:50

I’m sorry you are going through this. I am going through similar, but a couple of months ahead of you. I haven’t read your previous thread so don’t know the background.

I personally wouldn’t worry too much about the name at the moment. I’d concentrate on your own health, mental health, and instructing a solicitor. He is the father, so whatever happens, your child will have some sort of relationship with him and he will provide maintenance. You’re probably fixing your attention on the name at the moment, and I understand that, but I’d wait until you’re seeing a solicitor regarding the divorce and ask them to advise on the best timescale for changing name.

CoffeeRunner · 22/04/2020 14:50

You don’t have to. But I think you should.

To answer your question more specifically.