Husbands affair at 26 weeks pregnant, advice needed

[FirstTimeMum1991]

Hi everyone, I actually posted on here back in February when I first discovered my husbands affair. I’ve re read it over the last few months because the advice was just what I needed & now I’m back again.
My husband told me his affair was over, the usual stuff they all seem to come out with: had made a mistake, would regret it for the rest of his life and make it up to me and his un born innocent daughter.
However last night he was caught red handed, with the same girl, in my parents home where he was supposed to be self isolating so he could come and be with me (I left my home city 5 weeks ago as I am vulnerable being pregnant and he was following on) it’s a long story, but I was alerted by an old friend she had seen him out shopping with this girl and luckily I have incredible friends who burst in on them in my parents bedroom...you couldn’t make it up.

Anyway, today he has called to tell me they are in love and are going to be together. A relationship based on lies, deceit and utter betrayal.
Am I just trying to make myself feel better by telling myself it won’t last?

The fall out from this has been monumental, his friends and family have contacted me and let me know I have their full support, as I have done since this all came out in Feb. He is truly alone now, although doesn’t see it yet & thinks friends & family are going to support them both.

I want him to have nothing to do with me or my daughter.
Even though I have my married name (I am looking to change it by deed poll), can I give my daughter my maiden name and do I have to put him on the birth certificate?

I’m sorry it’s such a long post but as I said, the advice & support I got last time was really heart warming, honest and helpful.

Thanks everyone xx

I think your own name isn't worth bothering about at the moment. As far as I am aware you can start using your maiden name whenever you wish but may need various proofs in some situations like banks, passports etc. You can choose whatever surname you choose for your child. As you are married he will have automatic parental responsibilities though, without applying for them. I think he can also register the birth. I'm not what happens when parents disagree on names though? Surely it's not first come first served? Maybe the link above has details?

I’ve heard horror stories of women in my position who put him on the birth certificate & then have to ask permission to take their child away on holiday etc?

She isn’t due until July so I have time to think and I never wanted to be the women who used her child as a weapon but I truly believe he has put us both at risk. He has had un protected sex and he was flouting the lock down rules too. He has taken no one else’s life or feelings in to account, least of all his daughter.
I will never, ever take him back.
I strongly believe it will not work out with her, a friend knows her and told me she’s had a fling with a married man before which I happily passed on to my husband and funnily enough she hadn't shared that with him.
As I said, maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better but how can a relationship be built on this beginning?

I just want to say how sorry I am, i think you are being really really brave. I don’t know the legalities around this but I think you should do what you feel right. Disgusting man. Things will get better for you Good luck with your pregnancy and everything else.

Hi OP. So sorry you're going through this and what an absolute bastard your husband is.

On your surname, you can start to use your maiden name immediately. But you will probably need a legal document at some point to renew your passport. More here: www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll

I've done this to revert to my maiden name after my divorce. It's a formality at a solicitor - and it's cheap. Like £20 cheap. so no problems there.

Depending on your financial status you may need STBXH to pay child maintenance. Is he likely to deny that the child is his? If I were you I'd call the CMS and get advice from them so he can support you financially from the day DD is born. Even if you don't need the cash, you could save it for her university education or house deposit later in life.

What a horrible, stressful time for you. Really sorry

He should he on the birth certificate

You will want to reclaiming maintenance and what's to say if you leave him off he might say the baby isn't his

No matter what he has done the baby needs to have the truth on her birth certificate and just because he has turned out to be a shite husband he deserves the chance to be her parent because like it or not he is her dad and he could well be a great one

Awful for you

I think you should put his name on birth certificate. Even if you don’t, I believe he can force that anyway and you don’t need that stress.

Plus you will presumably wish to claim maintenance from him. If you choose to breastfeed it will be easier for you to have 100% responsibility for your daughter while she is being breastfed.

By the way, when you divorce, your name does not revert to your maiden name. You retain you married name unless you specifically change it by deed poll
.

I think you need realistic boundaries.

You don’t have to put him on the birth certificate but if he is likely to go to court for parental rights why give yourself that hassle

He has no right to be present at the birth, that is your medical need - tell your midwife now

His friends and family may be supportive now but I would be vary that this is because their grandchild/niece is in utero so you need to be kept sweet - basically don’t over share and don’t invest emotionally more than your willing to lose. Be careful of flying monkeys.

He has a right to see his child but this should be at the best interests of the baby which will not be to be away from you for more than an hour at first.

Give the baby the name you plan on having/keeping

I’m sorry this has happened to you, has he now left your parents home?

You really should put his name on the birth certificate. He might be a bad husband, but he is her father and they both have a right to a relationship. Unfortunately, things like permission to leave the country with your child are just part and parcel of being split up from their father - you don't have more rights just because you're the mother.

I know you're hurt, but this all seems like youre using your baby as a stick to beat your ex with and that is so unfair to her. She deserves the best possible relationship with her dad and it is your job to make that happen. Have a big cry, then take a deep breath and start a conversation about how you can both be the best coparents you can be. Your child deserves that from you, please don't deny her this out of spite.

To the poster who asked if unknown is still used, no it isn't, the father's details are just left blank

To get the father readded they would have to go through court and you will get a court order making you add him on to the certificate at a later date and it really isn't a nice thing to have to go through

I really hate when breastfeeding is weaponised, and I say that as someone whose breastfeed 3 babies and believe in natural term weaning.

Absolutely breastfeed it’s something I truly support but do it because of the health and emotional benefits.

I agree wholeheartedly with @SomeoneElseEntirelyNow and with @LouHotel.
You’ve had a HELLISH shock, but that rat bastard IS your baby’s father and as such should be named on her birth certificate. BUT definitely give her your surname.

Speak to a solicitor as some of the advice on here is a load of rubbish. As you are married your child will be presumed to be a child of the marriage anyway and you need to seek clarification from a solicitor about what this actually means before you make any decisions.

Do you think I should apply to change my name by deed poll or just wait until we divorce and change it that way?

I also changed my name by deed poll straight away for £20.

Then I got a 'separation order' type thing on Experian. So ex couldn't tarnish my name if he got into debt (gambler).

You don’t have to name him, but I’d also be worried he might deny paternity and force a dna test to delay maintenance. Then he might force you to update the birth certificate at your own expense once the dna test proved he was the father.
I also think it’s nicer for your DD to have him rather then ‘unknown’.
Give her your surname by all means.
I’d deed poll the name change asap because they’ll want to record your name on the certificate too of course.

You do not need to change your name by deed poll

Once you marry, all that actually does is give you the option to use HIS surname as your name, if you choose. You still 'have' your original surname. It's still your surname as much as it ever was. You retain it. Plenty of people use both throughout their marriage, for example using their original surname at work, their 'married' name in personal life. You gain the right to use his when you marry, but you don't actually lose your old one.

It is confusing because as other posters have said, you might find yourself needing legal docs to make some changes - but this won't be because you need to 'reclaim' that surname, it will simply be because you've eg got a passport in your married name, or a bank account and you want to change it. It's not about needing to 'reclaim' or 're-register' YOURSELF with your old surname.

The only thing which takes AWAY an old surname and replaces it is if you do complete a deed poll- that's a change. Marrying isn't, it just gives you a 'courtesy' use of second potential surname.

So you really shouldn't deed poll change- that's just more confusion.

You can just start using your original surname right now and start changing bank stuff and passport etc. Quite straightforward.

And yes you can call your baby your surname at any point and you absolutely should!

As for the birth cert, personally I would leave him off, as although if you're still married when the birth takes place he will automatically have parental responsibility, I would let HIM make the running to go on the certificate as it will tell you a lot about how serious he might be about remaining in your daughter's life - and that might be useful information for you.

And you can claim maintenance without him being on a birth cert.

I'm sorry, horrible for you - but if it were me, I'd be so glad to know all this before the lying little shit ended up being my birth partner!

By the way, don't tell him when the baby is born until she is registered - because as you are married, he has the right to do that. Register the baby yourself in hospital straight away, with the names you choose then tell him. And don't have him within a million miles of your delivery - have someone you can rely on there with you.

The birth certificate is a factual document. I never understand mums saying they've fallen out with the father and are debating not adding them to it. It's a legal document for your child not something you can play games with. He is still your child's father regardless of what happened between you as a couple.

I would start using my original name as soon as possible if I were you. I didn't change my name on marriage and so when DD was born she was "Baby Girl Dealer" on her wristband as they go with the mother's last name. It's a small thing but it would be a big deal to me personally.

I'd take legal advice on the birth certificate aspect. There's a lot to be said for putting him on to avoid the hassle of a court case later on and respecting the facts of her conception, but it's also fair enough to see if he actually steps up and takes responsibility before you hand him any parental rights. He's shown himself to be a pretty shabby excuse for a man, so it's reasonable to think twice about giving him anything that he might use to hurt or manipulate you or the child down the line.

I'd add the cheating fuckhole on the birth certificate because as much as it's horrible to admit he is the father. But I would definitely give your child YOUR surname when you change it back, not his. Do deed pole, as pp said it's quick and cheap.

Deed poll is only about £20, I would do it. Also I'm not sure of the rules of whether a husband HAS to go on the BC but if you are filing for divorce through adultery then I'm sure the rules will be in your favour. He can still be a dad and I fully understand why you wouldn't want her to have his name. It's easier to add it than remove it trust me, I have to wait another 8 years before I can remove her dads name from her.

This woman might think she has won but far from it, if they can cheat with you they will cheat on you, it's vile.

Anyway you still have time to calm before the birth and put things in place for yourself and your baby. Good luck and stay strong xx

By the way, don't tell him when the baby is born until she is registered - because as you are married, he has the right to do that. Register the baby yourself in hospital straight away

Erm, you can't register a birth from hospital some people on here have no clue what they are talking about

Agree entirely with @moveandmove

Do you think I should apply to change my name by deed poll or just wait until we divorce and change it that way?

As @FizzyGreenWater says, you don’t need to do either. Just use your surname. Now. It’s still and always will be your name. Banks, the passport office etc will all use your birth certificate as proof that this is your name.

As for the needing permission for holidays etc thing, there’s no way around him having parental responsibility. He gets it automatically, regardless what you do with the birth certificate. Even if you weren’t married, a court would give him it as soon as he applied for it. He is the baby’s father and that cannot be changed.

I know you are hurt and angry right now. But the baby’s birth certificate is not the place to express this. It’ll be a key part of her identity documentation for her whole life, and do you really want to put ‘unknown’ next to the father space when that’s really not the case? It's much better for her that it states the basic facts of her parentage.

@FizzyGreenWater I've been through this and I don't think your advice is right there on the name change point

I’ve heard horror stories of women in my position who put him on the birth certificate & then have to ask permission to take their child away on holiday etc?

Well you are legally married so regardless of whether he is on the birth certificate or not he will have parental responsibility so yes, you will both need permission from each other for a whole host of things.

Put him on the birth certificate, it’s your daughters life long document, not yours. Whether you like it or not, he is part of your life forever now. You cannot just cut him out.