Husbands affair at 26 weeks pregnant, advice needed

[FirstTimeMum1991]

Hi everyone, I actually posted on here back in February when I first discovered my husbands affair. I’ve re read it over the last few months because the advice was just what I needed & now I’m back again.
My husband told me his affair was over, the usual stuff they all seem to come out with: had made a mistake, would regret it for the rest of his life and make it up to me and his un born innocent daughter.
However last night he was caught red handed, with the same girl, in my parents home where he was supposed to be self isolating so he could come and be with me (I left my home city 5 weeks ago as I am vulnerable being pregnant and he was following on) it’s a long story, but I was alerted by an old friend she had seen him out shopping with this girl and luckily I have incredible friends who burst in on them in my parents bedroom...you couldn’t make it up.

Anyway, today he has called to tell me they are in love and are going to be together. A relationship based on lies, deceit and utter betrayal.
Am I just trying to make myself feel better by telling myself it won’t last?

The fall out from this has been monumental, his friends and family have contacted me and let me know I have their full support, as I have done since this all came out in Feb. He is truly alone now, although doesn’t see it yet & thinks friends & family are going to support them both.

I want him to have nothing to do with me or my daughter.
Even though I have my married name (I am looking to change it by deed poll), can I give my daughter my maiden name and do I have to put him on the birth certificate?

I’m sorry it’s such a long post but as I said, the advice & support I got last time was really heart warming, honest and helpful.

Thanks everyone xx

If he tells you that he has the right to at the birth with you, he doesn't. Not at all. Let the midwives know that you don't want him there. They will not let him in.

Sorry this has happened to you

If you want to use your maiden name again, banks, etc will want proof as to why your name is changing, such as a decree absolute.
They won’t just change it because you want to go back to your maiden name regardless of what your birth certificate says.

If you are married when the baby is conceived then the law assumes he is the child's father and he automatically has parental responsibility whether you put him on the BC or not. Frankly you might as well do so because he does have parental responsibility and he IS the father.

What you don't have to do is register the baby with him or with a name of his choosing. I'd start using your maiden name today and register the baby with your name when she arrives. Just don't let your ex know when you're going to the register office.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, he's a total dick. And at your parents house... there are no words.

It's relatively unlikely to be a happy relationship in my opinion. My ex had an affair while I was pregnant and I found out when DS was 6 months. They are still together and do now seem happy but there have been many many miserable times for them along the way as far as I can tell from ex. I'm just glad I'm out of it . There will be a light at the end of the tunnel and you'll have your beautiful baby to see you through .

I'd change your name by deed poll. I never fully switched to my married name but I did change it at the doctors when I was pregnant with my DS. They then refused to change it back without a divorce certificate (which my ex was stalling on). I offered to show them passport, drivers license, bills etc all in my maiden name but they said only a divorce cert would do. So I got a change by deed poll as I was so sick of getting called Mrs Exname if I went to the doctor. If you have that deed poll certificate, you're covered and it's not expensive - definitely worth it in my opinion.

I changed mine by deed poll for around £20 as I found most places wanted a legal document to evidence the change before they would sort it out.

The government gives this advice for passports:
www.gov.uk/changing-passport-information/divorce-or-returning-to-a-previous-surname

But that seems pretty long winded when a deed poll, is really quic k. I still remember the day 15 years ago that I picked up the deed poll document from the solicitor. Your name is part of your identity and I felt a little of my old self come back that day and strength returning. I was in control.

I'm getting married in August and have already discussed with my fiancee and he completely understands why I won't be changing my surname again.

I would highly recommend retaking your name as soon as you can. Good luck.

I’m in a very similar position. His name will be on the birth certificate because of claiming maintenance. What are you doing about the birth? Mine says if I don’t let him be there I’m using the baby as a weapon and he has the right to be there/hold her first apart from me etc. For the moment I’ve said no because he makes me too anxious.

I agree with @ArnoldBee. Some of the advice on here is terrible. As you are married, the law will consider her "a child of the marriage", and he will automatically have PR. You won't obtain any practical advantage by playing games about whether to put his name on the birth certificate. Please, speak to a solicitor.

And he is an equal parent to you and, unless there are genuine safeguarding concerns, a court would award him regular contact with your baby. Personally I'd suggest you agree contact amicably rather than making him drag you to court. And don't try to block his new partner from spending time with your child, because courts usually decide that each parent has the right to introduce whoever they want (in the absence of safeguarding concerns).

You're angry. Please talk to a solicitor and find a way of moving forward constructively rather than letting your anger push you into making bad decisions.

And sorry, but they may stay together - I met my husband while we were both married to other people, and we're now married with two children and very happy. You can't control whether they stay together, and if you let it bother you then you are setting yourself up for a lot of unhappiness. I know it's hard, but eventually you need to get to a place in yourself where you don't give a shit who he's in a relationship with.

Feckthisshit, Surely what he thinks about your motives are irrelevant. Doesn't matter if you are or you aren't (and why should you care what he thinks anyway?) but surely you as the mother giving birth has the final say over who is there? You need to be comfortable and if you don't want him there (and why would you? You will be feeling vulnerable and exposed), that's got to be the most important view. I can't imagine any midwives forcing you to let him in.

I think @FizzyGreenWater and @DahlingDahlia are both right and both wrong.

It is true you don't have to change your name by deed poll back to use your maiden name. You are allowed to use it now. Today. Legally. Just start telling people, please call me X instead of Y.

BUT in these days of much more careful banking regulations and id security, if you want to have any formal documentation changed to your chosen name such as bank accounts and passports, then it's a hell of a lot easier if you have a legal doc showing your name and deed poll is how, www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll

Op, think very carefully about not putting him on the birth certificate, and the impact that can have in a child, do you really want your child to grow up not knowing who their father is? Believe me, it can be psychologically very damaging. What would you tell your child? Your father had an affair when I was pregnant so he was a shit father? I get that you want revenge, that’s absolutely natural, but the decisions you make now, whilst still feeling devastated, could make a bad situation for you become a really bad situation for your child. Your child could end up massively resenting you keeping them from their father.

Courts will not prevent your husband from seeing his child, and that’s right. Everyone you know will probably be encouraging you to hurt him as much as you can, which again is understandable, but please think about the impact in your child, just because he didn’t think about the child doesn’t mean you should stoop to his level.

The state of their relationship is of no interest to you now (I tell myself this when I'm having one of my 'bad' days).
I'm going to pm you one of the best things I've read about this.

I think priority should be your sexual health OP.
Undiagnosed chlamydia can cause blindness in unborn babies. I'm not shitting you about this either.
Please speak to your care provider - don't risk this!

Op im very very sorry for everything you've been through. It's awful. As some who was cheated on regularly whilst pregnant and after having my son I understand your anger. However... He is still your daughters father. A child needs both parents and it is very unkind to withhold that from your daughter. When she's older you can let her see for herself what a low life he is and then you'll know you did everything you could for her. She could then never turn around and say you stopped her seeing her dad. Because she could resent you for that.
My ex was scum to me, however he is a good dad. That I will give him.
So please think long and hard before cutting him out of her life.

Are you in the UK? At the hospital when a baby is born they're registered under the mothers surname. So if you still have your married name 'smith' she will he 'baby girl smith' for example, unless you already know her name 'Sarah smith' instead of 'Sarah Richardson' (just an example) but when you register her you can choose the surname I believe! And if you put the father in there.

Hope you have people to help you get through this

I can't put photos in a PM. Sorry.
And sorry for everything you're going through.

Not sure if this helps or hinders but location of birth can have a contribution I think.
So if your child is born and brought up in one county, he has to make the effort to come to you financially.
He has PR when you're married regardless of separation etc from what I gather but if you lived in a different county the most that could happen in the first few years at least is that he has to make all the effort to visit.
He doesn't sound like he's very good at making any effort unless it's to put you and your daughter at risk of infections.

What @Haffdonga said re name change.

I would put the baby’s father on the birth certificate (however galling!)

Op if you give the baby your surname then your XH would need permission from you to take the child abroad on holiday as his name would be different. You would have no such problem

Right how would u have felt growing up without a dad only to be told your mum stopped u seeing him? Grow up. Shit happens hes nasty yes and thats horrific but he will have 50/50 access and you will claim child support as well. Give it 3 or 4 years your child will be bigger you will have a new bloke on scene and this is just a horrible distant memory but if u stop him seeing him child then all your doing is hurting your child.

Op if you currently have a passport / Driving license etc in your married name, without a deed poll you will need to get divorced to change your name on them. You will be asked for your Decree Absolut as proof of divorce

Lots of PPs are mistakenly linking birth certificates and child maintenance. A father has to pay child maintenance, even if he's not on the birth certificate. If he disputes paternity he has to take a test to prove he's not the father. I believe he has to pay for the test and is only refunded if he turns out not to be the father.

@Feckthisshit2020
"His name will be on the birth certificate because of claiming maintenance."
See my comment above. You don't have to put his name on the BC and can still claim child maintenance. If you don't put his name on the BC he can still apply for parental responsibility, he just doesn't get it automatically.
"What are you doing about the birth? Mine says if I don’t let him be there I’m using the baby as a weapon and he has the right to be there/hold her first apart from me etc."
That's complete and utter bullshit. He has zero right to be present at the birth. You are the patient and the mother, and you decide. You can write on your birth plan that you do not consent to him being present, and tell the midwives. It's nothing to do with "using the baby as a weapon" (FFS) and everything to do with your needs when you will be vulnerable.

BUT in these days of much more careful banking regulations and id security, if you want to have any formal documentation changed to your chosen name such as bank accounts and passports, then it's a hell of a lot easier if you have a legal doc showing your name and deed poll is how, www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll

Haffdonga no! The point I was making is, her birth name is ALREADY her name. She got married, she didn't actually legally change her name. So she'd be making a LEGAL change... to the same name. I know this as I've done deed poll - it can actually CAUSE confusion as the next obvious question is 'So what name did you change from, what was your birth name?' - err, this name, the same name is on my birth cert as my deed poll' Official - 'err what?!'

You are much better off simply providing your birth cert, which shows your legal name as it always has been, plus your marriage cert, and saying you are divorcing and will now be reverting to your birth name as per birth certificate, instead of your married name. That makes legal and official sense. Overlying both names with a deed poll to one of the names you already legally have is just another permanent layer of confusion - I would really not recommend sending all that to the passport office, for instance!

I am going to leave him off for now & I will be giving her my surname.

I'd use your maiden name, give your child your maiden name and put him on the BC.

I'm sorry you you're in thus situation. Personally I'd block him for the remainder of the pregnancy.

In fact, I might only unblock him once the birth has been registered.

What utter disrespect from him...shagging his side piece in your parents house. UNFORGIVABLE.

As for the OW ...very shameful.

I took my daughter on holiday with my parents, my passport was still in my previous married name (because I’m lazy) and her passport had her dads name (my now husbands name) no one batted an eyelid or asked me anything about it.

The PP that keeps saying that you didn’t change your name legally so you don’t need to change it by deed poll is misinformed. If you’ve changed your name and used a marriage certificate to prove that, you then need to prove why it’s changing again (with a decree absolute), just saying that you’re getting a divorce means nothing.

Hi I don't have any advice sorry.

Can I ask why people are advising the OP to give her baby her surname? What does this benefit?