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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husbands affair at 26 weeks pregnant, advice needed

109 replies

FirstTimeMum1991 · 22/04/2020 13:58

Hi everyone, I actually posted on here back in February when I first discovered my husbands affair. I’ve re read it over the last few months because the advice was just what I needed & now I’m back again.
My husband told me his affair was over, the usual stuff they all seem to come out with: had made a mistake, would regret it for the rest of his life and make it up to me and his un born innocent daughter.
However last night he was caught red handed, with the same girl, in my parents home where he was supposed to be self isolating so he could come and be with me (I left my home city 5 weeks ago as I am vulnerable being pregnant and he was following on) it’s a long story, but I was alerted by an old friend she had seen him out shopping with this girl and luckily I have incredible friends who burst in on them in my parents bedroom...you couldn’t make it up.

Anyway, today he has called to tell me they are in love and are going to be together. A relationship based on lies, deceit and utter betrayal.
Am I just trying to make myself feel better by telling myself it won’t last?

The fall out from this has been monumental, his friends and family have contacted me and let me know I have their full support, as I have done since this all came out in Feb. He is truly alone now, although doesn’t see it yet & thinks friends & family are going to support them both.

I want him to have nothing to do with me or my daughter.
Even though I have my married name (I am looking to change it by deed poll), can I give my daughter my maiden name and do I have to put him on the birth certificate?

I’m sorry it’s such a long post but as I said, the advice & support I got last time was really heart warming, honest and helpful.

Thanks everyone xx

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 22/04/2020 21:02

It's a no brainer surely?!
Mothers should share a surname with their children anyway, but especially when single parenting and the main carer.

NeverYouMind123 · 22/04/2020 21:13

What a complete and utter cunt.

louise5754 · 22/04/2020 21:21

@AnotherEmma Was that a reply to me or the OP?

I gave my daughters their dads names I though my that was the done thing

BackseatCookers · 22/04/2020 21:25

@louise5754

I gave my daughters their dads names I though my that was the done thing

Why though? I appreciate you may not have stopped to think about it but if you don't share a surname with your partner, why would you still just give his surname and not yours to your daughters? Why not yours? Or both?

AnotherEmma · 22/04/2020 21:26

louise
You, obviously.

louise5754 · 22/04/2020 21:38

Why obviously? The OP has asked this too.

louise5754 · 22/04/2020 21:40

@BackseatCookers I had no idea people did that

binkyblinky · 22/04/2020 22:49

You can put him on the birth certificate, but don't need to use his last name. You can choose your daughters name. Best of luck and all the love in the world to you xx

Haffdonga · 23/04/2020 14:08

Can I ask why people are advising the OP to give her baby her surname? What does this benefit?

@louise5754 - e.g. it benefits the parent who does most of the care to have the same surname as their dc, for example when travelling through airports. You now have to prove your child is your child and you have permission to travel from the other parent. If you have a different name from them on passports you are very likely to be questionned.
www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/uk-airports-parents-children-different-surnames-questioned-home-office-people-trafficking-a8476396.html

It benefits the child and parent to have the same surname for lots of other day to day bureaucracy (tiny example - school trip money was allocated to the wrong child's account due to me having a different surname from my ds).

Some children say they want the same surname as their mum/ primary carer and their siblings so they can all be the 'Smith Family' (or whatever) instead of Smith, Smith, Smith and Jones.

Haffdonga · 23/04/2020 14:15

Louise5754 - did you go to school in the UK in the last 25 years or so? It's hard to imagine that you've never met anyone who didn't have their mum's rather than their dad's surname. It's such a totally normal, usual thing. I'm so surprised that you're surprised.

Fantasiaa · 23/04/2020 14:38

I know you are angry and rightly so but:

he’s still her father.
if he wants contact, he will get contact. cheating isn’t a reason not to get to see your child.
he will have PR as you are married. Either way, he could apply for it anyway
not putting him on her BC isn’t nice. that’s her own personal document. not having a father on there is cheap

CayrolBaaaskin · 23/04/2020 15:26

I think you should definitely give the the baby your surname op. Women should always name their children after themselves.

I don’t think it’s fair on the wee one to leave higher father off the birth certificate. He is still her father regardless of your relationship.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 23/04/2020 15:41

Yesterday 21:21louise5754

@AnotherEmma

I gave my daughters their dads names I though my that was the done thing

In the UK and US, the tradition is actually to give the baby their mothers surname - it's just that the tradition is ALSO that the mother is married to the father, and so has taken his name.

In instances of a child being born out of wedlock, the child would take their mother's name. Just part of the shame and stigma of being a "bastard".

I'm not saying that we all have to subscribe to "tradition", but the fact is, babies aren't actually named for their fathers but their mothers.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 23/04/2020 15:42

Eep, sorry, tagged the wrong person!

AnotherEmma · 23/04/2020 15:50

Ha yes my DS has two surnames (mine and DH's) and when DD arrives she will too

Excellent point you make though! I bang on about it fairly regularly

louise5754 · 23/04/2020 17:49

@Haffdonga how would I know what the parents surnames was?

louise5754 · 23/04/2020 17:52

@FineWordsForAPorcupine I wasn't married to my daughters dad when we had them.

celticmissey · 23/04/2020 18:01

You don't have to put his name on the birth certificate and there are more advantages in NOT putting it on than putting it on legally. If I were you just give her your maiden name - it could always be changed later on if you wish.

When I divorced I was told I did not have to change my surname legally from my married name back to maiden name as it is still legally your surname as you were born with it and have a birth certificate to prove it so I just want back to using my maiden name straight away.

You won't be able to change your surname on financial accounts that already have your maiden name on until you have your divorce nisi and absolute certificates once your divorce goes through.

I have been where you are - you are better off without the cheating tosser - what a twat! keep a diary and date and document any contact you have with him and what is said which could be helpful when you get legal advice.

Haffdonga · 23/04/2020 18:07

how would I know what the parents surnames was?

Through normal everyday chat with friends, through parents' names on class letters, email addresses, Whatsapp groups, through knowing that friend has a different surname from their sibling and asking them, through general knowledge about basic legal processes in this country etc

louise5754 · 23/04/2020 18:20

@Haffdonga I'm totally lost. I'll take your word for it.

celticmissey · 23/04/2020 20:16

Bear in mind that when your daughter is older and has contact with her dad and say he refuses to hand her back for some reason, if his name is on the birth certificate he is not committing any offences and the police could not get your daughter back unless he could prove she was at risk of harm with you. If he is not on the birth certificate they could return your daughter to you in case of a dispute as you are on the birth certificate as having PR. He would then need to apply to the family court if there were any issues. One for you to consider for the future.

glitterfarts · 23/04/2020 22:49

Don't tell anyone at all when you have the baby and don't post on social media until you can register her and get the birth certificate as if you're married, he can go do it with his name.

He's a shit. Fucking some random in YOUR parents bed. Ewww. Just when you think you've heard the lowest someone will go....
Your poor parents.
I'd be finding a shit hot lawyer and start divorce proceedings immediately.

JustStayHome · 23/04/2020 22:55

Yes - Put him on the birth certificate
A cheater doesn't mean he isn't her dad
He has rights to see his daughter
Don't let your daughter suffer

Divorce him and change your name back.
Put her in your surname if you wish.

Sunshine1239 · 23/04/2020 23:06

He can only register with the official document from the hospital which is provided after delivery

He won’t have it

Please stop scaremongering

TomNook · 24/04/2020 07:01

He’s her father.

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