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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he a 'bad' boyfriend? Am i heading for trouble?

109 replies

honeyy · 21/04/2020 10:14

I have been seeing my bf for 1 year. The past few months, I have had health problems with my heart, and going in and out of hospital.

I was admitted into hospital last week, and treated. My bf said he was glad i'm feeling better. We don't live together so we cannot see each other due to covid-19.

One night, about 11pm, I took a turn for the worse and called for an ambulance. I was told I needed an emergency operation straight away.

I called my bf at midnight to let him know, but he didnt answer. I thought he must be asleep so decided to text him, however in that moment, my sister called. We spent 25 mins talking. I logged onto whatsapp, and my bf was online. I was just about to text him, but the nurse came to ask me some questions. This took about 15 mins.

I logged back onto whatsapp, and my bf was online. and he text me in that momeny. He said, he missed my call as he was playing games online and chatting to his friends on the phone, at the same time they were playing.

I messaged him and said I called because it was an emergency.

He replied, he didnt know I was calling for an emergency. I replied saying, something happened so needed to speak to him, rather than text.

He text, what happened, are you ok?

I said, I wasnt okay, and then he replied, so do you want me to call then?

I rang him and he answered I told him i was having an operation.

It is very out of character for me to ring him late night and he said, he knows that and just thought I was messing around and prank ringing him.

I had my operation and got one text the next day at 8pm, saying ''you ok?''

I dont even know how im supposed to feel?

OP posts:

Foxinpopsox · 21/04/2020 10:17

Did he visit you or offer to help?

Foxinpopsox · 21/04/2020 10:18

I also wanted to say I’m sorry this has happened to you and I’m lad you’re seem to be on the mend

Quitthat · 21/04/2020 10:21

All the beforehand stuff I'd write off as explainable, as he'd have had no idea why you were calling and couldn't have known it was an emergency. Maybe he didn't notice the call straight away if his phone was on silent, then didn't think it was an emergency to call you back etc.

One text message at 8pm the next day after surgery is not on though, in my view. That smacks of not caring. I'd be more concerned about that than him not answering my calls before he even knew what was up.

I'd have expected him to be WAY more concerned once he knew what was going on.

I hope you're feeling better and that you recover well.

Emerald46 · 21/04/2020 10:23

Sorry, it sounds like you've had a very tough time and I hope you're starting to feel better now. I would be upset at that reaction. Given that it's unusual to call him Kate at night and the fact that you'd recently been very ill, I would expect him to have been more concerned that something could be wrong. The fact that it then took him so long to ask if you wanted to speak (and he was content to text rather than speak once he knew it was an emergency), would definitely signal a lack of care to me. I'm not suggesting he doesn't care - just that he didn't react quickly or strongly enough and yes, I'd be pissed off. How is rest of your relationship? Are you normally close and get on well? I think unless everything else is brilliant and this is a one-off, then I'd be ending the relationship and concentrating on family, friends who love you and just getting completely better again.

leolion81 · 21/04/2020 10:27

He had a missed call. How was he supposed to know it was an emergency? What could he do anyway, as you say you don't live together and can't see each other.
The next day I would think he was waiting for you to get in touch when you were able, which after surgery, recovery etc would be a good few hours. As he hadn't heard anything by 8pm he messaged.
Not everyone likes drama. He knows you're in the best place to be cared for and isn't able to see you. I don't know what more he could do other than bombard you with calls and texts when you're trying to recover from surgery.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 21/04/2020 10:30

My DH never calls late but o would assume the same as your DP if I just had one missed call. In an emergency I'd expect a quick follow up call or text. You had your reasons why you couldn't do that but from his end he had no idea what was happening.

He could be more attentive now he knows about the operation and make sure you're ok but even that's harder with lockdown in place.

Original poster

honeyy · 21/04/2020 10:32

@Foxinpopsox, he cannot visit or help as we cannot have contact due to the coronavirus. My family were not allowed in the hospital.

OP posts:

Original poster

honeyy · 21/04/2020 10:38

I am not upset that he did not answer my call. I am just concerned as when I text him to say, there was an emergency that he still did not return my call to speak to me.

It is very out of character for me to ring him, We speak once a week or so on the phone.

OP posts:

TwistyHair · 21/04/2020 10:41

If someone who didn’t normally phone me late, phoned, then I would assume it was an emergency. I’d be upset too if my boyfriend didn’t get in touch the next day until evening.

Original poster

honeyy · 21/04/2020 10:49

@Emerald46 yes, this is exactly what I was trying to explain. I have been very ill recently and I expected his concern to be a bit more than what it was.

OP posts:

Original poster

honeyy · 21/04/2020 10:52

I very rarely ring him as we work different hours so we tend to call each other once a week or every 2 weeks.

It was just his lack of concern. The fact that it then took him so long to ask me if I wanted to speak (and he was content to text rather than speak once he knew it was an emergency) was just weird.

And then he said, I was over reacting and being a diva.

OP posts:

TomNook · 21/04/2020 10:53

Love doesn’t have to be hard.

Lampan · 21/04/2020 10:59

Sorry to say that he just doesn’t sound that bothered about you. Lockdown would be a good time to end things and start moving on from this. Good luck with your recovery.

Lilolily · 21/04/2020 11:00

And then he said, I was over reacting and being a diva.

That’s the worst part, that you failed to mention until now!

CCaK · 21/04/2020 11:01

Is it a fairly casual relationship?

Original poster

honeyy · 21/04/2020 11:01

@TomNook, very true. Maybe I was scared because I was not allowed to have anyone with me, during this crisis. And I was feeling quite nervous, alone and stressed. Sometimes a friendly voice on the other end is nice. The fact I wanted to speak to him, in case of the worst case happening and just to let him know that I was having surgery.

I suppose for me it was an emergency and after him knowing i called him because there was an emergency and he seemed happier to text me during an emergency than call, is upsetting.

OP posts:

Foxinpopsox · 21/04/2020 11:04

Sorry, I didn’t read your post properly. You obviously don’t live together. That was a daft comment. Apologies. 8pm text after major surgery wouldn’t fly with me. I’d be worried sick about a partner who‘s just undergone any procedure.

Original poster

honeyy · 21/04/2020 11:05

Lilolily, this was during our telephone conversation.

OP posts:

Original poster

honeyy · 21/04/2020 11:08

@foxinpopsox, i had surgery at 2.45 am (middle of the night) and I came out of recovery around 4.30am.

No calls or texts from him, until 8pm the next evening. But my family and friends were fantastic and were checking im ok.

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Original poster

honeyy · 21/04/2020 11:09

@CCaK, no, we are exclusively together and met families.

OP posts:

Whaddyathinkofthis · 21/04/2020 11:11

If he was engaged with something else and happy, it might not have occured to him that you were in the position you were in. In fact, it clearly didn't.

You did speak with him and he might not have messaged again until the following evening so as not to disturb you and give you time to rest. Some people just arent great in those situations. And I'd probably have done the same as him tbh.

I didnt speak to anyone other than medical staff for about 48 hours after emergency major surgery because I just wanted peace and quiet and to be able to sleep, tbh. Some people got sniffy about that.

Whether that is what you want in a relationship is a different matter though.

leolion81 · 21/04/2020 11:13

The text conversation was strange from your end though. You didn't say I was calling because of an emergency, I've been taken into hospital and need an operation. You said 'it's an emergency' waited for a reply then said 'I'm not ok' and again waited for a reply. Sorry but that is ramping up the drama unnecessarily and I don't think I could deal with that in a relationship. I would back off too.

Whatisthisfuckery · 21/04/2020 11:14

If DP, who doesn’t ring late at night called me late and I missed it I’d call right back. Wouldn’t anybody? I’d probably just assume it was a mistake but I’d at least call, and it it was engaged I’d text.

If DP was going into surgery I’d text to say good luck, then I’d text afterwards asking how things are sand saying to get back to me when they feeel ready. Wouldn’t anybody?

The over reacting diva thing would have me telling them to fuck off.

SorryOP, he’s just not that bothered. Cut your losses and move on. I hope you have a speedy recovery.

Original poster

honeyy · 21/04/2020 11:16

@Whaddyathinkofthis i understand what you are saying. I am not upset that he did not answer his phone. Of course he was busy and he wasn't aware of anything.

It was after when I told him there was an emergency and he still failed to ring me back and was continuing to text me in 10/15 mins intervals.

OP posts:

Original poster

honeyy · 21/04/2020 11:22

@leolion81, ye, I understand what you mean. I did not want to text him that I was having an operation. We have had conversations in the past, where I was sick and I would text him. He told me that sometimes he does'nt hear his texts or open his texts for a while and he would prefer for me to ring him if it was anything important.

OP posts:

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