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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he a 'bad' boyfriend? Am i heading for trouble?

109 replies

honeyy · 21/04/2020 10:14

I have been seeing my bf for 1 year. The past few months, I have had health problems with my heart, and going in and out of hospital.

I was admitted into hospital last week, and treated. My bf said he was glad i'm feeling better. We don't live together so we cannot see each other due to covid-19.

One night, about 11pm, I took a turn for the worse and called for an ambulance. I was told I needed an emergency operation straight away.

I called my bf at midnight to let him know, but he didnt answer. I thought he must be asleep so decided to text him, however in that moment, my sister called. We spent 25 mins talking. I logged onto whatsapp, and my bf was online. I was just about to text him, but the nurse came to ask me some questions. This took about 15 mins.

I logged back onto whatsapp, and my bf was online. and he text me in that momeny. He said, he missed my call as he was playing games online and chatting to his friends on the phone, at the same time they were playing.

I messaged him and said I called because it was an emergency.

He replied, he didnt know I was calling for an emergency. I replied saying, something happened so needed to speak to him, rather than text.

He text, what happened, are you ok?

I said, I wasnt okay, and then he replied, so do you want me to call then?

I rang him and he answered I told him i was having an operation.

It is very out of character for me to ring him late night and he said, he knows that and just thought I was messing around and prank ringing him.

I had my operation and got one text the next day at 8pm, saying ''you ok?''

I dont even know how im supposed to feel?

OP posts:
Menora · 21/04/2020 11:29

It’s hard to comment but he sounds a bit immature and not very good at dealing with serious things to be honest. His game and texting his friends was important to him and he didn’t think there was much he could do for you so he was oblivious to what level of support you needed.
So just ask yourself is this enough for you and will you end up resenting him that you basically need to tell him what you need/expect from him and when you need it. Either you make it very clear to him or you lower your expectations of what he is capable of giving you (leading to the resentment) - he’s perhaps not the person you expected him to be
Giving him any benefit of the doubt he is perhaps not aware of how serious this was or what you needed. It’s ok to tell him but he might not change

wheretonow123 · 21/04/2020 11:32

OP, one thing to note - with smartphones now, I find that a missed call or a voicemail can sometimes get lost in the mire of other whatsapp messages and groups.

I missed a very important call and message in recent weeks and only realised a while later when it was too late.

Not communicating more after knowing you had an operation does look bad but should be taken in context with how he behaves on other things and going forward.

Original poster
honeyy · 21/04/2020 11:32

@menora, It was more his reaction after. He told me that he was on a whatsapp call with his friends and gaming so maybe he did or didnt see me calling him.

OP posts:
Original poster
honeyy · 21/04/2020 11:34

@wheretonow123, I think he meant, it was more of a case that he did not accept my call at the time, as he was already on another call and gaming. Which is fair enough, he was busy.

OP posts:
MzHz · 21/04/2020 11:40

The love doesn’t have to be this hard is bang on the money.

You know he’s let you down, that’s why you’re posting.
The comment about being a diva is the game over comment btw.

He doesn’t care.

You don’t have the real life intimacy of calls everyday but I build anything, he has time to game online and chat with his mates but not to talk to you.

If I were you I’d end this now, you’re not going to be able to see him anyway so you’re not going to miss seeing him etc.

He’s showing you who he is.

I went out with someone for a year and it was about this time that he was a bit evasive about plans for a weekend and then 3 days before he told me that he was going to a family wedding.

Ah. Ok then.

So I sadly ended it because I knew deep down I was worth more than this.

You’re ill, you have had an emergency heart operation ffs and he’s not immediately on the phone? Bin!

Fucksake, my yoga teacher when over due with baby had slipped or had a twinge and I was straight on the phone wanting to know if she was ok and could I help?

I’m no superhuman, I just care about friends and family.

This bloke doesn’t care (enough) about you.

You’re wasting your time with him.

It’ll be hard to do, but you have to do what you have to do and that is put yourself first and end it.

MzHz · 21/04/2020 11:40

but I build anything = to build anything

Original poster
honeyy · 21/04/2020 11:46

@MzHz, he didnt text or call me, after my operation for over 16 hours. Some people are saying this is normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
honeyy · 21/04/2020 11:49

I suppose at the end of day, it is HIS actions AFTER he knew I was calling because something had happened. And he was still texting me in 10-15 mins intervals, asking what has happened. Then another 10 mins saying, am I ok?

A person could be dead by then, HA!

OP posts:
MzHz · 21/04/2020 11:52

I know, I meant to say that too, I wouldn’t sleep if my oh was ill and having an op!

I’d be texting first thing!

You would too, wouldn’t you?

He’s failed you utterly.

I’m so sorry!

How are you feeling now? Any better?

Whaddyathinkofthis · 21/04/2020 11:57

Fucksake, my yoga teacher when over due with baby had slipped or had a twinge and I was straight on the phone wanting to know if she was ok and could I help?

Really? I'd find it really odd if someone did that to me in the same context.

Just goes to show how different we all are!

Original poster
honeyy · 21/04/2020 11:58

@MzHz yes, if my bf had an emergency operation in the middle of the night, the first thing in the morning, I would speak to him, Just to check he was okay, everything went well and he was still alive!

The first 2 days, i contracted an infection so was very sick but I am so so much better now and recovering really nicely.

I feel really stupid and embarrased because he didnt contact me for hours

OP posts:
MzHz · 21/04/2020 12:06

My yoga instructor is a friend too. whad, We live in the middle of nowhere and she was out walking her dog. Pretty normal for out here.

TwentyViginti · 21/04/2020 12:07

He doesn't care. Called you a diva? Get rid!

Lllot5 · 21/04/2020 12:08

Well I guess we’re all different but I can’t see what he’s done wrong.
He missed your call you texted him about your op. He texted you the next day. Could have texted a bit earlier but no big deal.

Chiyo666 · 21/04/2020 12:08

To be fair, if someone was having an operation is wait for them to contact me as if have no clue how long they would be out for.

MzHz · 21/04/2020 12:10

I feel really stupid and embarrased because he didnt contact me for hours

I know exactly what you feel, but that’s disappointment in him not embarrassment. You feel foolish for thinking you mattered enough.

You DO matter enough, and you do know that you deserved better.

He’s a dud.

From a marriage point of view, in sickness and in health means something- he’s shown you that you aren’t on his list of things to be concerned with, he put breakfast, lunch, gaming and his mates ahead of you!

8pm.

That’s pitiful.

Original poster
honeyy · 21/04/2020 12:11

@LIIot5, he did text me 16 hours later. I suppose I would text me bf sooner, if only to check everything was cool. Maybe I care more.

OP posts:
Collaborate · 21/04/2020 12:25

It all sounds like rather hard work. You're judging him harshly because he didn't read your mind. If you really still needed to talk you could have phoned him rather than texting back.

Next day he was probably concerned not to interrupt you with a text until he could be sure you were out of the operation and out from under the anaesthetic, which was why he waited until 8.p.m. Also, why shouldn't he let you call when you were ready? Your phone works both ways.

NC4Now · 21/04/2020 12:26

I’d expect a bit more concern in the circumstances. Not answering the first calls, fair enough, but once he knew you were having an op he could have done with being a bit more caring.
Is he usually kind to you?
If this is the first time he’s been thoughtless he may be unsure of how to be, but tell him you feel hurt that he didn’t call. His reaction will be quite telling, I think.

Original poster
honeyy · 21/04/2020 12:28

I just feel very embarrassed and silly because I rang him, going through a crisis, there was barely any support and then afterwards, there was 1 text, to which i replied and told him how the op went. He hasnt called or text since :/

OP posts:
Original poster
honeyy · 21/04/2020 12:33

@NC4Now, I did tell him that I was hurt and he said I was being a diva and laughed it off.

OP posts:
Original poster
honeyy · 21/04/2020 12:34

@Collaborate I did ring him. He was sending texts, rather spasely, which i didnt have time for, so I rang him back, mid texting.

OP posts:
NC4Now · 21/04/2020 12:35

Yeah, that’s unkind and doesn’t bode well 😕

Boireannachlaidir · 21/04/2020 12:36

Put yourself out of this misery & angst then and get rid of him.

Collaborate · 21/04/2020 12:39

So you didn't have time for texts, but he was meant to divine that you would have time for a call?

To be honest you probably did come across as a bit of a diva expecting him to read your mind. Do him a favour and finish things with him.

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