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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he a 'bad' boyfriend? Am i heading for trouble?

109 replies

honeyy · 21/04/2020 10:14

I have been seeing my bf for 1 year. The past few months, I have had health problems with my heart, and going in and out of hospital.

I was admitted into hospital last week, and treated. My bf said he was glad i'm feeling better. We don't live together so we cannot see each other due to covid-19.

One night, about 11pm, I took a turn for the worse and called for an ambulance. I was told I needed an emergency operation straight away.

I called my bf at midnight to let him know, but he didnt answer. I thought he must be asleep so decided to text him, however in that moment, my sister called. We spent 25 mins talking. I logged onto whatsapp, and my bf was online. I was just about to text him, but the nurse came to ask me some questions. This took about 15 mins.

I logged back onto whatsapp, and my bf was online. and he text me in that momeny. He said, he missed my call as he was playing games online and chatting to his friends on the phone, at the same time they were playing.

I messaged him and said I called because it was an emergency.

He replied, he didnt know I was calling for an emergency. I replied saying, something happened so needed to speak to him, rather than text.

He text, what happened, are you ok?

I said, I wasnt okay, and then he replied, so do you want me to call then?

I rang him and he answered I told him i was having an operation.

It is very out of character for me to ring him late night and he said, he knows that and just thought I was messing around and prank ringing him.

I had my operation and got one text the next day at 8pm, saying ''you ok?''

I dont even know how im supposed to feel?

OP posts:
PerpetualCircle · 21/04/2020 12:40

I would certainly be upset at lack of support, you had a serious operation, focus on your recovery, I don’t think he is a good boyfriend.

DishingOutDone · 21/04/2020 12:40

How old are you both OP? I ask as you sound like my daughter and her BF both 18 - he's a lovely boy but he is very much a boy; immature. I think he might have done something similar, although he would never have said to my DD you're being a diva. He would simply be unable to process what his "role" as a caring partner should be - because he's so young.

But either way, unless he's begging for forgiveness for being so blasé about it all, then I think this relationship is all over bar the shouting.

pog100 · 21/04/2020 12:41

If he's not been in contact since then that settles it doesn't it. You seem an inconvenience when you are ill, rather than the one person in live he cares about more than anything else.
I would end it on this basis, because a life together has a lot of moments where you need real support and it seems you won't get it from him.

Menora · 21/04/2020 12:45

This is not a case of reading someone’s mind, being seriously unwell admitted to hospital and having an operation should not mean you have to explain to someone what to do in the circumstances or that sending 1 text after 16 hours is uncaring and unsupportive

Having been with someone who was constantly crying wolf being ‘ill’ I still always checked up on them and worried about them because that is what grown up people who care about others just do. Even worrying so much I couldn’t sleep one time.

He didn’t do it back for me though when I was actually genuinely ill so told me all I needed to know about him. And his lack of support or contact since suggests he either isn’t taking it seriously or he doesn’t really care

SouthernComforts · 21/04/2020 12:47

Of course he should have checked on you sooner! He is supposed to love and care for you, instead he didn't even check on you for nearly a day after an emergency operation? Not good enough. You are lower on his priorities in an emergency than his gaming.

Original poster
honeyy · 21/04/2020 12:59

I'm getting very mixed opinions in this forum which is a good thing, as it allows you to think and understand views.

Yes, it was an emergency operation. I wasnt expecting it nor my family. It was very daunting being alone during covid-19.

I think deep down, I know that it isnt nice. Knowing you are cared for is a lovely feeling.

I do wonder, had anything happened, he wouldnt have known for hours, he would just be eating his breakfast, lunch and gaming.

Weird times.

OP posts:
Menora · 21/04/2020 13:02

All that matters is how it made you feel
Getting opinions of others doesn’t always help because not everyone would feel the same for different reasons

Eeyoresstickhouse · 21/04/2020 13:02

He just sounds like he doesn't care that much. You are way down on his list of stuff to do. I would use this time to forget him, look after your recovery and leave this child to his games and mates.

Original poster
honeyy · 21/04/2020 13:33

Yes, everyones relationship is different and our expectations and values.

I suppose i am the type of person that would check up on bf and expect the same.

Sometimes it is disheartening after spending time and investing time into someone that when you go through a bad time, they arent there.

Im not going to change my values. And neither should he, if that is who he is.

OP posts:
leolion81 · 21/04/2020 14:40

You're upset he didn't text you until late the next day however I think you have to consider what led to that. The initial way you dealt with the conversation wasn't great being honest. There was something important to tell him, he didn't pick up his phone and you drip fed him the information by text instead of getting straight to the point. Why did it have to be a phonecall, why does it matter how you communicated? You're basically upset because he continued a text conversation instead of calling. He did ask if you wanted him to call.
I absolutely can't be doing with any sort of drama or attention seeking and maybe that's how he saw it, which led to him being distant the next day. I'd be the same. If you want something from someone tell them instead of expecting them to read your mind then getting upset if they put a foot wrong.

NeverBeenLoved · 21/04/2020 14:43

You are lower on his priorities in an emergency than his gaming.

That's not really fair. He didnt know she was in hospital for an emergency operation when he was gaming.

If a boyfriend was chatting/playing games with his mates and got a missed call from me, I wouldn't expect him to drop everything and call me back on the off chance it might have been an emergency. I'd expect him to get in touch when he was next free.

I wouldnt even expect him to assume that a late call was an emergency. If could as easily be and, "I'm bored and fancied some company" call.

I dont know about everyone else, but I'm not really keeping regular sleep/wake times at the moment.

The diva commentator and lack of contact since is a concern but the initial failure to pick up the phone isn't.

NeverBeenLoved · 21/04/2020 14:43

*comment

Original poster
honeyy · 21/04/2020 14:52

leolion81 I am not upset that he didnt answer his call.

I was asking that he text me sometime later, to say he missed my call as he was gaming. I THEN told him, my reason for calling, that I had called as there was an emergency.

Yes, I did expect him to call me at this point, but he didnt.

OP posts:
LIZS · 21/04/2020 14:55

It is not so much the lack of immediate response, as he could not have realised the seriousness of the situation , nor the delay in checking after all you have family and would be recovering from the op and anaesthetic but the dismissal of you as a diva and lack of ongoing concern. Not bad per se but inconsiderate and uncaring.

Bluewater1 · 21/04/2020 14:58

I think this is unacceptable by him. He knew that you were having emergency surgery and he sent a two word text 16 hours after you got out of surgery?!!! Terrible. Not the kind of support you need at all. You deserve better

Menora · 21/04/2020 15:03

I really hate when people come on and try to invalidate all the OP’s feelings completely. It’s ok to have your own opinion on it And how you would feel. but it made OP feel sad and let down when she needed someone at a really bad time.

Original poster
honeyy · 21/04/2020 15:06

I think I was quite emotional as I was alone and scared and yes, I admit, I thought when he knew there was an emergency, he would have dialed my number.to speak to me.

He told me himself that he was chatting on the phone whilst gaming with friends so he wasnt in a position where he could'nt talk at the time.

OP posts:
leolion81 · 21/04/2020 15:07

But you've just reiterated the point I was making. I know you're not upset he didn't pick up the phone, but when you text back 'it's an emergency' you expected him to call. I would read that text and roll my eyes being honest. When someone says something just so the other person will respond 'why what is it?' It's drama.
You could have said in the text what the emergency was and not been so vague. You could have asked him to call. If he knows you're in the middle of an emergency he might have thought it wasn't appropriate to call. That's what I would have thought and text instead to ask should I call. WHICH HE DID. You made the text conversation hard work and I would have backed off at this point also.

Original poster
honeyy · 21/04/2020 15:09

@Menora thank you. It was hard, not because of him but because it is very scary being in hospital during this coronavirus. None of my fmaily were allowed to be with me. I was rushed in an emergency and I did not even pack any toiletries or spare clothes.

My sister kindly dropped some things for me but she wasn't allowed on the ward.

It was overwhelming.

OP posts:
Original poster
honeyy · 21/04/2020 15:16

@leolion81 I understand your point. Of course, I do. Yes, he text me and said he missed my call, he was gaming. I said, I called as there was an emergency. yes, I didnt say what it was. I wasnt fishing for attention and sat there waiting for the next text.

So, if i had text him and said iI am having an emergency op, and he did'nt call me? Am i still being hard work because I think he should have called?

We will just agree to disagree.

OP posts:
Original poster
honeyy · 21/04/2020 15:28

Thank you everyone for all your messages. It really has been helpful. I feel much better and I am concentrating on getting well.

Looking back, I do expect any of my boyfriend- current/future, in the event of an emergency to call me, if they can.

Clearly, he was gaming and able to chat to friends over the phone so I did expect him to be able to call me too.

I am going to get some rest! Stay safe everyone :)

OP posts:
Bumsnet1 · 21/04/2020 15:31

dump him

Menora · 21/04/2020 15:40

I’m not sure I’ve ever been thinking most rationally when I am afraid, scared, unwell and alone. Not many people manage to stay calm they feel emotional and overwhelmed and probably act in ways they do not usually, and probably have high emotional reactions to the situation.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing to have or maybe a time machine where you can travel back to have a word with yourself about ‘being demanding’ needy or a ‘diva’ at the time you are probably panicking about whether you might die or something trivial like that.
Then see whether you still feel annoyed about whether you have put too much pressure onto the man you have been in a RS for an entire year Hmm

leolion81 · 21/04/2020 15:51

I'm just trying to play devils advocate here, you're focused on the fact he didn't call but text instead. People communicate in different ways, to you a phonecall was important. To someone else, the method of communication isn't so important and texting is enough.
If you had told him you wanted him to call and he didn't and continued to message or ignore you then yes, that is unforgivable. But from what I understand he did ask if he should call. I would be thinking, she called an hour ago and I've just seen, maybe she can't talk now, maybe she's on a quiet ward, whatever i would text first to check it's ok to call. I'm not a person who just dials a number, I would usually text first to check a call is convenient. As I said we all have different ways and expectations with communication.
The main point I'm trying to make is if you've been in an otherwise good relationship for a year is it worth throwing that away over what could well be crossed wires.

Menora · 21/04/2020 15:58

Which is fine but your posts have no compassion for the OP. She was probably bloody terrified! Even if she was even slightly unreasonable she had a good and understandable reason to be. And he doesn’t get it at all.