20 years in it’s dawned on me...

[Treatedlikeamaid]

That dh has a pattern of behaviour and I fall for it every time.
He gets very anxious and it feels like he copes by getting at me until I’m as anxious as he is. I need to keep positive so that I ive things and look after kids.
Only just dawned on me after he’s just done it again that he’s done it a zillion times - to the point where I couldn’t cope and couldn’t stop crying even in the doctors office.
I’ve been working hard on self esteem and encouraging myself to set up a teeny business which has had good reviews, hubby is all Victorian businessman, ‘what’s the plan ? It will never works etc etc. ‘There are several models which are working very well, so I’m sure there is room for me.
which means whatever I’d thought or planned goes out of my head and I feel stupid and ridiculous. I’m sure a few words of interest or even a ‘well done’ would be of help. It’s like he’s allowing me to do it, but if it gets busy he accuses me of the house being a tip.
Just could do with some encouragement, being a bit needy at the mo!
Thanks!,,,

I work on EU funded projects at a uni - all the funding is about helping small and medium business!!! Do some research see what there is out there in your area.

You are an amazing warrior!!

Tell him nothing then he can't criticise or belittle you.

Remember the DC are 50% his so they are equally his responsibility to feed, clean up after, homeschool and so on!!! He will have to do it around his business just like you are...

Oh my goodness nagsnovaballs. That’s The.Most . Inspiring. post. I actually don’t know what to write in reply, except that am now a bit emotional. Thank you for the simple instructions. The reminder to break it down and just one foot in front of the other. This There is nothing to be terrified of
And this..* ‘In the middle of a pandemic, I got a job. That is brilliant of me.
I can do this because I am strong. I have done it before and I will do it again. I deserve to be financially secure. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to see my mum. My children will learn positively from seeing me go out in the world and take this on.’*
I will make a proper time table, instead of vague,’this month I’ll..’ it’s already halfway through June and I want to have website up and samples made by the end of June. Gulp! I sooo need to be more productive. One step in front of the other. Smiling and waving.
Thank you very very much.

Ha tork tork, you are super x .
random, lol! Feeling more like a worrier, but baby steps! AT LAST I have direction! I CAN DO THIS. ( I hope!)Ha!
I had no idea there were any loans about - I certainly will have a hunt about, amazing how much everything costs. It FeelS a lot better now website is shaping up - I can see what I’m about more, and actually, I like what I’m offering! Cbt will definitely help, but in the meantime, working on biz helps - and chatting to you guys. If that’s not too corny!

And be honest... its a bit exciting isn't it? creating something that's yours! You did it! That's pretty amazing when you stop and think about it. 🙂

Just please don't let him know, or let him near it. You know that, right?

The world is one big patriarchy. This means a whole lot of men AND women get uncomfortable when they see a woman becoming successful.

Women who were discouraged from their own dreams may want to bring you down because they feel the unfairness of not working to their full potential, and finding a woman who does what they wished they could do.

I let a few guys talk me out of pursuing my dream career of graphic design, the last of them being my ex-husband who got me so unmotivated I dropped my college classes and never went back. Years later I see it was a HUGE mistake to listen to others on the matter.

Ignore anyone who takes your enthusiasm over your business away. :D

Thanks end, I’m so sorry you got talked out of graphic design.its very hard to keep going under those circs. IVe had dh tell me ‘I could forget about art’ which was incredibly upsetting. It’s what I am. I hope you can enjoy doodling and fiddling about for fun there’s loads of courses online, and there’s Always people who need posters for clubs etc. It’s not too late!!
😀I’d like to think I’d be that successful! It feels a long way off atm!
Vodka, yes!!! It’s REALLY exciting! Tee hee! Now it’s beginning to take shape rather than be a collection of vague thoughts. Keeping it to myself xxx encouraging myself to keep the excited feeling rather than plummet into the icy pool of fear!

P.s vodka, am really curious as to what your business is and how you achieved it with no experience and no qualifications and a crap business partner. That’s a very inspiring story x

@Treatedlikeamaid well I just had faith in myself and I'm quite business minded - and I thought that the people I'd bought something off had a fantastic product but incredibly bad marketing. So I thought I could do better online. So I went to see them and asked them to supply but said I'd need them to warehouse and do deliveries, and they said no. Which I ignored, and then they agreed. Them business partner got involved and they were happy (a man). It was online for a few months (my living room) and now it's more and it's really not rocket science. Bloody arrogant of me to think I could do better but I think you have to strongly feel that what you are doing is the right thing. It wasn't a calling, I'd just left an industry I hated and wasn't sure what I wanted to do.

Then of course you make a million mistakes and keep making them but you're also doing things that have worked well. You cut your losses on mistakes really quickly and develop the things that work. Get good people in to help, pay them fairly and always always be growing, we outgrew that supplier in less than 2 years. I like not holding stock, not being owed money, not selling small items and not only being able to sell one product once to one customer. Plus I like b2b as well as b2c. Because I'm a bit lazy.

But people have special talents, Or have an amazing idea, or are really artistic, and they create something beautiful and I'm always in awe of that. If you can combine that with sound commercial skills it's an absolute goldmine.

I think that's probably you. Trust your gut, don't be scared to ask for what you want not what they want, be as decent and fair as you can, do things as well as you can, and go for the money. That's my personal motto and it's worked better than any business plan as it's a deeply held belief that then informs everything I do. Pretty imperfect system but then I am a very imperfect person.

Lurker here, catching up on your thread. You have my support and sympathy. Popping up as I notice the issue of DH asking you to transfer business money to family account. He does not seem to understand that some of this needs to be ring-fenced for tax/etc.
Also, your computer expenses, etc keep all receipts as you will declare them against your profit. Here is a useful link, but there are plenty more. How to pay yourself as a sole trader and how much to put aside for tax.
Well done on your business, keep going.

Caught up some more. Just realised you are not married so very vulnerable and not entitled to his pension, etc when you retired. You need to build up your assets.

1. Take the job / continue your business.
2. Do not draw on your pension.
3. Issues raised like childcare/housework: can be shared/dropped/ask for help/hire help (from joint income, not only yours)

Erm he can pay for his share of the "wifework" he is not prepared to do!!

Time to draw up a very very very long list - everything that you do for the family.

Medical appointments, birthday cards and presents, school liaison. Cooking, shopping, laundry are just the obvious ones!

Put on your list the things that are not easily outsourced. Definitely cleaning, laundry, food planning & shopping on his... at least he could outsource the cleaning and laundry out of his money as you are doing your share. If it comes out of joint money then you hand over more of your jobs to him.

Seriously his friends and family - all arrangement for birthdays and meet ups are now down to him, you time have time or the mental load.

@awesomeaircraft nicely spotted!!!

@Treatedlikeamaid DO NOT TRANSFER A PENNY OUT. This is how he destroys your business. This is his sabotage. Omg he never fucking stops does he? Just on and on, just like my ex business partner.

Lie. Hide money. Pretend. Act. Be cunning. Be dishonest. Hide everything. Set up fake accounts that show a loss. Start asking endless questions getting him to justify his business model and methods (cause that's what he's doing to you right?) start asking 'have you done this? Have you done that? Make his life BUSY. Poke your nose in to his accounts. Demand he get another job. Be him.

But ffs you'll never get this off the ground while he's around. Because all the things I've suggested are what he will do. You deserve better - don't let him crush you again.

OP - have you heard of 'sick systems'? You may find this an upsetting read, but it's a really useful description and perhaps can give you some clues for what to look out for.

www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html

Wow, @meckity1 that link describes my marriage! Everything.

In fact, I'm struggling a little bit right now with the PEACE. I'm not used to peace, and sometimes I catch myself feeling uneasy, and then I realise this peace is good, I'm just not used to it.

I'm used to have people putting obstacles on my way, I'm used to have my own brain in hypervigilant mode all the time.

OP, I just want to say that life is good on the other side. :)

Vodka, thanks for that - you are very impressive. Printing it out to add to my growing list of wisdom from mns. Your story sounds like a classic business success story, am standing in awe and amazement. well done!
I’m not as business minded as you - but working on it. But yes, thanks, I do think I have some talent and a commercial eye. Focus, determination and clear thinking is what I’m working on - with a big dollop of self belief! Am amazed that in 2 years youd outstripped them and hired staff! You sound like a proper business woman. If you can do it, I’ll jolly well do it too. ( yikes!) gosh I need so much reassurance! I’m going to work till Xmas and then review. Fingers crossed.
Awesome, that is so useful, thank you, had absolutely no idea! Really thank you.
Vodka I hear you.and what you are saying has even more resonance now I’ve read the link by meckcity. Thank you for posting this, it’s very powerful as bringon says. It’s a hard read, but very useful.
I’ve got myself well up a creek I didn’t think I’d ever be up. Actually I didn’t even know I was up it till I started this. I kind of did, but the fog rolled in again.
Counsellor was very good. It was hard, but maybe useful to someone on here? She mentioned I’d been colluding, by allowing it to happen And encouraging me to not be a victim, but to be assertive. That’s the gist. Part of this was, as you say random ( and others) is to draw up a list of chores and divvy them up. Get the kids on board to do their share. Maybe they get pocket money if they do x, if they don’t, I dont wash their clothes/ dinner etc. As we are a team.
There is probably more, will check.
Finding this overwhelming again atm. Am broke, living with a nutter and the ENORMITY of trying to make money is freaking me out. Definitely need a coffee.
Thank you sooo much everyone for sharing your insights. I would have definitely sunk back into a terrifyingly engulfing fog without you. As it is I feel a bit like I’m stranded on the river ( creek) bank- wet and shivering, but at least am on the bank. Ugh. Coffee, and ..To Business! ( instantly feel better) ❤️

Just read the news..Not doing that again! Just too much going on out there and here. Hope you guys are all ok x

It’s all coming together. Just need to stay focussed and not let him derail you.

So glad to read you are NOT married.

Wonderful advice being given.

He really is totally focused on controlling you.

Don't touch your pension.

Keep your money separate.

Remember you are not married.

This makes eventually getting away easier.

Keep your money separate.

Keep him away from your business.

Wishing you well.

I find the argument that you had been colluding difficult. Collusion implies a level of agreement and consent. So an example would be that you worked together with someone in secret to deceive others. Like people used to collude to pretend to the courts that a matrimonial offence had been committed so that they could get a divorce. Who was being deceived in your therapist’s example of collusion? You cannot collude if you do not have all the facts and are not making an informed decision.

Why did you not have all the facts?

I do actually find the argument quite offensive to victims of domestic violence. I was once locked in a room and beaten black and blue by a boyfriend. Was I colluding because I did not hit back, push away or manage to get out? I could give other examples of sexual violence but I won’t.

My ex was psychologically abusive - it is much harder to see but coercive control is a crime and crimes have victims, not just people who were not assertive enough.

I am not sure that is a helpful comment and I am sorry if it is not. Maybe it is easier to believe that none of this would have happened if you had just been a little bit more assertive because that is also more helpful going forward. But I am sure you started off quite independent and assertive, with the spark you show on here. Maybe you would have made different decisions with the knowledge you have now, but the point is that you did not have that knowledge.

Is your counsellor clued up on abuse? Do they have any idea what they're talking about?

We are not supposed to be "assertive" at home with our partners. Partners are supposed to be by our side. A team.

If they are against us to the point we have to be "assertive", what's the effing point of the relationship?

I looks like they have no clue on how abusive relationships work!

I'm breaking the mould and saying I'm team counsellor because I think you need someone to guide you kindly but realistically through this. Someone who is going to support you but not let you off the hook because now is not the time to be taking the easy options. She's also not entirely wrong but that does not make it your fault

There is no point in feeling bad about yourself getting into it. Some of the best people do - I'd like to form a narcs survivor club on MN, we would be formidable!! This is going to be like a superpower when it's over!

But right now you are doing an amazing job and I think you sound like you have a lot of business acumen, and the determination and self belief (an absolute must) will make this and you a success.

As for the current situation and it's enormity? Don't think about it. Just don't. Think about the tasks within it, the various elements, think about maybe combining various elements to be more efficient. But do not think about its 'enormity'.
My god if anyone thought about enormities nothing would get done! I never do this the second I start I just go 'la, la, la not thinking about this, not going to go there' and distract myself. as a rule this isn't a skill I have but when it comes to the big stuff I know it's too important and so I do. You will too.

Your elements are currently
1 extracting yourself from him physically without getting screwed over
2 getting your business started
3 supporting yourself and the children while doing both
4 sorting out a settlement post extraction and getting the money.

And don't read the news or watch it. It is of no use to you. It is deeply depressing and of almost zero use to most businesses - certainly to mine it has been.

I think that your number 1 had got to be finding a way to separate yourself (with children etc) and this business, your precious baby, from him physically while not getting screwed over financially. All roads lead back to that - it was the same for me. Nothing was going to work until he was out.

So your most important team member right now is a very good Rottweiler like solicitor. Post a new thread here giving your vague area and ask for recs.

Though in these days of Covid you could even do Skype and get one from anywhere. With even an hour free. I know you have but find a really really good one. This is your team and you need the best. That to me is your number 1, must important task.

I’m not sure about what counsellor said. On the one hand it is victim blaming and could lead to an unsafe situation. Being assertive could be very unsafe in some relationships. On the other hand, maybe she was trying to say that you do have some agency over your life. You’re not completely passive.

Sorry ladies, just hiding atm. Thanks thickfast and billy. I think it’s your last point - to show me I don’t need to be so passive. I said,’why am I chatting about who hoovers with a therapist’ she mentioned it’s part of a bigger thing. So I think maybe it’s learning how to get some of the muddle under control and it’s gives you a sense of your power back. Maybe.
Katy, that’s awful, am sorry you went through that, and I wish I’d had the knowledge that’s for sure.
Vodka, thanks, what a wonderful plan to follow when I am overwhelmed which I am!
Shattered for some reason, night!

The emotional and mental drain must be huge right now. You are re-evaluating every thought, word and action of yours and his both past and present. Exhausting. Be kind to yourself. Sleep.

Thanks tork.
Affected by the article www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html. Meckcity posted above.
You’re right neck, it is a difficult read, and a terrifying one. especially relevant atm is the bit where they chop up your time with interruptions..
Thank GOODNESS you warned me. It’s very subtle - but it’s happening. I’d never have noticed and blamed self for being rubbish.
Aannnddd you guys made the prediction that he’d be ill. Yup.
Keep predicting!
I’m STILL convincing myself I’ve made a mistake and it’s not as bad as it was. There’s a tiny flickering flame that’s beginning to think, this isn’t fun. There’s a bigger flickering flame that thinks we are heading for absolute disaster and I don’t know how to stop it. Which is in the article as well.
Crumbs.thank goodness for simple steps to follow. Cos I’ll get in a muddle in seconds. Thanks vodka, thanks all.