Dating Thread 188 - Living and Loving in the Lockdown

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

My iron and I have only been chatting for two and a half weeks. For about 2 weeks, we were texting a little bit each day plus the odd 2hr text marathon, plus have had 3 2hr calls in between. Now no more morning texts and can see we are possibly moving to say 1 to 2 calls a week. Does this sound too little? I don't want to chat too much given we haven't met yet but also want to sustain some momentum.

For me that would have been too little eesha but then I would have met him by now as we wouldn’t have been in lockdown! Now there are no rules. Well maybe one: no overthinking! I guess you just have to go with the flow but remember not to overinvest.

That sounds ok @Eesha, are you still in touch every day even there's no morning text?

I think 1 to 2 calls a week is still quite good. It's natural to have an ebb and flow, but I totally understand you want to make sure it's staying on track.

Hopefully on Sunday/Monday we'll know more about the lockdown lifting and you can start to plan to meet in person.

Is he the only iron you're chatting to?

We chat most days but often not til the evening. And I mean, not much in life is changing so there isn't always loads of conversation to be had.

@eyebrowsofinstagram so it does feel a little bit like if now with no morning text, there would be no contact unless I instigate it. But when I instigate it, it's either flirty fun texting for a few hours or a call for the same period. He's very open about liking me, wanting to meet me etc. And yes @TigerDater, I would have definitely met by now which is why it's so frustrating as I would have known either way whether I genuinely like him. He's my only iron.

What dating sites do you guys use? I met my XH on OkCupid and was wondering about guardian soulmates. I'm.happily single but would eventually prefer casual but monogamous. I'm.late 40s with teenagers. Is casual even possible with monogamous? Don't want to live with a partner again or have them as the priority. Is staying single the best option?? Thanks

@yesterdaystotalsteps123 I tried GS but found it full of complete poseurs plus scam artists (two years ago). I found Tinder the most open of the general sites. It's certainly possible to have a sex life while staying gloriously single, but the practice of monogamous casual - or 'exclusive FWB' - is problematic. It tends to either slide into a relationship or slide off into confusion all round, IME.

I also tried GS but most of the decent men seemed to be in or around London and I am not so a bit of a waste of time.

I signed up to Match when I first started and it was ok but then I discovered that most of the men on there were also on the free sites such as Tinder and Bumble so I didn't renew my subscription after the initial 6 months and just used the free ones.

Different people on here have preferences and successes with some sites and not others and I think a lot of that depends on where you are/how old you are and what you're looking for.

I met my bf on Bumble and although he is living with me at the moment due to lockdown, we both like our independence and don't have any plans to live together permanently. I think as long as you are honest about what you are looking for then casual but monogamous is possible.

I've used bumble and tinder. All the relationships have been with men I met on tinder.

@yesterdaystotalsteps123 ive had dates via Bumble and POF. Current iron is from Tinder.

I have spent the whole of yesterday and today dipping in and out reading this thread and I would really appreciate your expert advice I have recently joined a dating site even though I don’t know if I want to date anyone yet! I mainly did it to see what it’s all about. My history is 16 year marriage ended 8 months ago, have never ever been on a date even! Anyway got loads of ‘hi’ messages -this guy messaged me a few days in a row -no photo - and curiosity got the better of me so I responded and he was straight back talking abut cooking dinner for me or coming to mine -presumably post lockdown! And looking to move to WhatsApp. He sent me a photo looks nice enough says he lives alone-asked when I have time without kids and wanted to have a call last night (day 1 of chatting properly) I just feel rushed but I’m coming from a place of no experience whatsoever so I’m running scared I know. Is it normal for men to push things this fast or is it even fast? I have no intention of meeting anyone in their home before a proper date or few anyway. Another problem is the thoughts of intimacy with someone new scares me senseless. I’m not ready am I???

Why did he not have a photo on his profile?

He does sound a bit over-enthusiastic but that's not necessarily a terrible thing. I think the trick is to go at your own pace, and think of this as a learning process. Don't let him think for one second that he can bounce you into anything you're not happy with, even moving to WhatsApp or taking a phone call.

Oh and none of us knows when we're ready after a very long relationship. You'll be fine @ZoZoBo

I don't speak to anyone without a photo personally. I always think they have something to hide.

@ZoZoBo i chatted to my iron within 24hrs of matching but I was curious. The whole cooking dinner etc does sound a teeny bit full on as with the lack of pic. Just go at your own pace, there is no right or wrong.

@ZoZoBo I would be wary of someone with no pictures. Has he explained why? He seems a bit pushy just go at your own pace don't be rushed into WhatsApp or anything of you aren't ready. Everyone has different paces but if it doesn't feel right then say so.

Thanks so much - I asked him about the photo and he said he was reserved but sent me one then - it was only from reading this thread that I considered there might be a more dubious reason for no photo! I live in Ireland so I know with lockdown rules I won’t be able to meet anyone for months based on the roadmap for lifting restrictions - I think I’m just lonely and looking for someone to chat to. I will see what today’s messages bring and decide on my comfort levels- I love this thread it’s going to be my guide as I navigate this scary newness😁

He may also just be lonely and wanting to chat/dream about a less lonely future. Not every man on OLD is a baddie - what's important is listening to your own gut and remembering YOU are the important one for you to look after.

It’s nice he’s excited but proceed with caution re the dinner invite! Ie Make sure it’s at your pace not his

Also some people are just shy but I would expect to see him on video at some point to confirm it!

I have been so busy all day not really spoken to anyone or even been on MN. Keeping busy is helpful to take my mind off how long lockdown is going on for!

I decided to give Tinder another go as all my Fab irons have either got bored of me or I got bored of them.
In 3 days on Tinder I have exactly...................................zero matches.

I swiped for a bit then decided to do the 1mile cheat to see who had liked me.
All were either 60+ or live miles and miles away.

Not sure what to think. That local men don't like me? Men my age (early 50s) don't like me?
Or there's just a lack of users on Tinder atm?

Not sure whether to persevere or just delete and start again in about a month.

@EchoElephant I wouldn't read too much into it, I think your last conclusion about lack of users is probably the right one.
I can't be bothered with chatting with no idea when I might be able to meet someone, so haven't gone back on the apps. I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks like that.

who is chatting to their iron on a daily basis?

are many of your irons still working?

I talk to mine on text every day but only call once a week. He’s furloughed at home with kids, I’m working at home and office with older kids.

I also can’t be bothered with any apps

I message back and forth with mine daily, maybe a call or two during the week.
I'm back at work 2 days a week but he's not although is keeping himself very busy.

We message daily, lots of messages. We talk once/twice a week. He still works. I had about 5 dates with him before lockdown. It’s kept my boredom level steady