Ex blocked me on everything, now sends his mum to deal with our stuff

[KateDoesntKnow]

I've been with my ex partner for 14 years. We are both in our mid 30s. In my 5th year of studies my mental health deteriorated and I was diagnosed with C-PTSD. As a result my boyfriend suggested I should take a part time job and he will work full time and support us so I can get better. He got a good job in the field whilst still.at uni. That was 5 years ago. Soon I took over EVERYTHING to do with the house: looking after the dog, bills, dealing with any problems with bills/agency, shopping, cooking, cleaning, even making him sandwiches for work and preparing his clothes so he would save time in the morning (I know, I was an idiot), organising trips and holidays and his only task was to go to work. I would help him prepare for job interviews, help with any issues he had at work, listened to his detailed daily reports about his work and his colleagues, edit his job applications even wrote 30 pages long PhD proposal application form. I was so invested in making him succeed I completely forgot about myself. We had money together and access to each other bank account. He left dealing with financial side of things to me, too. Success at work changed him. He start pointing it out that I'm not giving him anything back for his financial support. 3 years ago I started to get better mentally. I started to question our arrangement. When I said that I'm worried that I'll be left with nothing when we break up he kept saying that all I have to do is to be nice to him and I'll be sorted for the rest of my life. Due to my C-PTSD our sex life was patchy at best. He was getting frustrated with me. Last year I decided to start masters in a subject that will bring me a very good career prospects. I was mentally better and I wanted us as a household to rely on my ex less. After the first semester, mid January he broke up with me. We had issues for the last year. Our communicstion was non existent. I wanted to try therapy as we still loved each other by this point and i didn't want to give up without trying. Unfortunately he didn't want that. He was unhappy and wanted out. After three weeks he hooked up with his new co-worker, not just seeing each other; full blown relationship after just two dates. We were still living together and he would bring her over for dates when I was at work. In the same time he promised to help me out financially throughout uni. My masters deadline is in August. He gets a very good wage by this point and was getting another wage rise. His promise was based on the fact that over the length of the whole relationship I supported his career and he wanted to give sth back to me. He kept saying that I'm still important to him as a person and he will always care about me and be my friend. He moved out at the beginning of March. Our farewell was heartfelt. He was crying uncontrollably and cuddling me and promising we will always be friends. That he still have feeling for me and cares about me so he doesn't want to see me worse off. He came back 1.5 week later to collect some of his stuff and said that he's happy to see me. He offered that he will increase the amount of money he's giving me, unprompted as he just got a wage rise. Then 6 days later he phoned me and started to shout that why is he supposed to support his ex. He said that it's causing some serious trouble in his new relationship. While on the phone i could hear his new gf huffing and puffing in the background. Then he just stopped answering his phone. Our dog got very ill. I had to go through his mum cause he switched off his phone. I wanted him to cover the upcoming vet bill cause I paid for the four previous visits. I also wanted to know what's happening with his promise since he didn't actually said anything about changing his mind. He replied that he doesn't want to support me anymore. That I'm an adult and I supposed to take care of myself and that i should sought out other friends. Then he switched off his phone and later blocked me everywhere even though I didn't try to contact him pass the first day when I got the news. This happened during a lockdown, when I had 4 essays to hand in. Without his help I couldn't afford the rent. He left me with 700 pounds to my name and a sick dog who he apparently loves although not even once asked about him. I trusted that guy with my life. I was so hurt and felt betrayed and discarded like an used item. And all during a pandemic. I also accidentally learned that his family who was my family for so long was talking bad about me. Not even once any of them contacted me to ask how am I doing? Now three weeks later his mum is ringing me out of the blue and messaging on Facebook. I have this ad on installed that lets you read messages without the other person knowing you read them. My ex wants his certificates back. He had two months to pack yet on the last day he started doing it an hour before his lift supposed to arrive and asked me for help! Hes unpacked crap is all over the placs including boxes in the storage room. Whole 14 years of it that I'm expected to pack for him??? His mum wants me to send the certificates to her. She even gave me transferred money to my account do so and asked to let her know when I'll do it.(!) They also want to collect his stuff after a lockdown. She also asked about me and the dog but I know they don't really care. So I don't want anyone to judge me on my life choices and I don't want debates whether my ex had a moral obligations to help me or not. He gave me his word and I trusted him. His family new he did that yet thought it acceptable to back track like that. If he didn't promise me his help ill have more time to sort myself out before my final weeks at uni. My own family is poor and lives in another country but managed to pull together to help me out this month. That's not important.

What I want to ask...after how they treated me I don't feel like talking to any of them. I feel further humiliated that my ex is sending his mum to deal with his stuff. Cowardly and childish. Additionally, every time I "hear" anything from him (discovering that he blocked me, that he went behind my back to our letting agency etc) I get panic attack and my ibs flares up. I dread another humiliation. I still have loads of uni work so I won't have the time to search for his stuff around the house. I feel it's bold to debase and screw your ex like that and then expect her to help you? (I'd be homeless next month during a pandemic if it wasn't for my family!) So far I don't feel like answering the calls at all. I need to focus on uni. Btw, he's staying with his new squeeze in another city atm. The change of attitude towards me correlated with him moving to hers. I am enraged that they have a cheek to ask me for help like nothing ever happened. What do you gals think? I'll send his shit to him at the beginning of May when I'll be done with uni.

Can you afford your rent as things stand?

That’s what I’d be focusing on. I wouldn’t even give his empty promise a second thought.

I don’t know what these certificates are but is that all he’s left at yours? If so, I admit I’d pop them in the post just to be rid of the whole thing.

If you can’t afford to rent the place yourself after lockdown and he does have stuff there, I’d dump it in black bags and tell him when it’ll be outside the front door. Either he can take it or someone else. Not your problem.

And I know this is after the horse has bolted but don’t put yourself in a precarious situation again! For your own sake.

No - he didn't make her feel secure, she chose to feel secure on the basis of his unbelievable and unsustainable promise. He was never to going to deliver on it, and this is obvious to many posters.

And I'm sure OP will never make that mistake again. Perhaps she'll hop on Mumsnet in five years time to help another poor man or woman who feel's they've been deceived.

Doesn't stop her from being angry about it now 🤷‍♀️ how else do you suggest she process her emotions? Journal article?

*feels

@TigerKingisMental Neither do you. But from what was said there was no arrangement, there was an offer made. That's not the same.

The only one playing games is him, presumably for the benefit of new gf. She has every right to be reeling from the way he's treated her and portrayed her to be a desperate dependent when that was not the case.

"Without his help I couldn't afford the rent. He left me with 700 pounds to my name and a sick dog who he apparently loves although not even once asked about him. I trusted that guy with my life. I was so hurt and felt betrayed and discarded like an used item"

When a co habiting relationship ends usually the leaver would do the decent thing and pay their share of the rent. He hasn't done that and as a final fuck you he left it until just before the rent was due to make it clear OP was expected to stump up his share of rent.

You cannot defend that behaviour, as for his side of the story he moved in with someone else, you think he would ever tell the truth?

There is a lot that the OP is absolutely reeling from, so the post does take some concentration. There's a lot of shit in fourteen years that she has tried to get down in some comprehensible order.

Sadly some of you have grabbed the wrong end of a stick (he offered money that's an arrangement!!!) you're chewing the shit out of that stick and it's not what was said.

Has Sooty and Sweep arrived on this thread or is it just me

He moved out at the beginning of March.
He came back 1.5 week later to collect some of his stuff and said that he's happy to see me. He offered that he will increase the amount of money he's giving me, unprompted as he just got a wage rise. Then 6 days later he phoned me and started to shout that why is he supposed to support his ex.

@lilmishap - Most rent is paid every 4 weeks and he left at least 2 weeks before the rent was due, so not right before the rent was due.
It would have been nice if he helped pay the next months too but he had no obligation to and it sounds like he was fed up with supporting her financially long before they split.

He was never to going to deliver on it, and this is obvious to many posters
Marital affairs are obvious to many posters on this site, the wife is not berated , mocked, misrepresented, ignored and torn apart in the way that @KateDoesntKnow has been. Despite the fact there likely was an affair going on.

I would agree with previous posters that there was abuse going on that @KateDoesntKnow is only just starting to glimpse, there are a few warning sirens
He start pointing it out that I'm not giving him anything back for his financial support
Firstly HE said she should get a PT job, she was vulnerable at the time. But she was also doing EVERYTHING needed to enable him to focus on his career, including the 30 page phd proposal. He wanted her to rely on him financially and she was giving back. Whilst vulnerable.
3 years ago I started to get better mentally. I started to question our arrangement. When I said that I'm worried that I'll be left with nothing when we break up he kept saying that all I have to do is to be nice to him and I'll be sorted for the rest of my life
You fucking what??? "Fuck your life darling I'm the important one, Who cares if you want to start standing on your own two feet after your recovery. Certainly not me! just stay with me forever and you'll be fine, you'll be fucked otherwise!".. Well that's entirely normal. I'm sure his side of the story will include this act of empowering devotion.
Due to my C-PTSD our sex life was patchy at best. He was getting frustrated with me Getting frustrated because somebody doesn't want sex with you after you've told them their own life and ambitions don't matter is not ok. It's the behaviour of an entitled abusive cunt. It's not unreasonable that sex with a shitty entitled bastard is not the turn on he thought it was.

There will be more revelations of abuse and manipulative, entitled bullshit because this is how it works when you leave an abusive relationship.

@KateDoesntKnow I'm so sorry for the response you've had, but please notice there are lots of us who can see what you are dealing with, it's going to get worse as you realise the shit you missed as well. He's a cunt.

It's good to know that when poppi and tiger are vulnerable we can mock them for being abused and cheated on. Hilarious in fact.

I would like to hear this other side to this tbh. I get that he promised you he would continue to support you financially, which he shouldn’t have done as he had no obligation to do so and no new partner would tolerate that unless there were kids involved, so I think you were quite naive to take his word on that and are being a tad unreasonable being angry he’s gone back on it. The only possible reason I could see him owing you money was in regards to rent, but it sounds like you decided to stay there knowing you couldn’t afford the rent by yourself, you should have both paid what rent was due as per your contract and moved to somewhere you could afford by yourself. You kept the dog, so the dog and vet bills are now your responsibility.

I also agree with others that you’re likely exaggerating the amount of house work you did for two adults and a dog. I live with my fiancée, we both work full time and I’m studying for a masters part time (we also have a dog, two cats, two rabbits and a three bed house) and when I’m on annual leave I struggle to find more than 1 or two hours a day of house work to do over the course of a week or two and that’s with me doing everything. Two adults and a dog don’t really require 20+ hours of housework per week, so I do think he was supporting you.

I think you need to stop with the victim mentality and thinking about what he “owes you”. The relationship is over, forget about what he promised you, cut ties and move on.

"Most rent is paid every 4 weeks and he left at least 2 weeks before the rent was due, so not right before the rent was due"

No she was just expected to pay for his half a month of living there AND pack his shit while dealing with the split, the humiliation, the blocking , the mother and the sick joint dog. He's a diamond, all men should aspire to be that.
Seriously what is your deal? what are you getting out of this?

I think it's absolutely disgusting he has backtracked after the years you have also supported him. You say your deadline is August, if he could afford it it wouldn't kill him to be decent and do the right thing. His new GF sounds charming!

Definitely look at what help you can get during this pandemic through your uni (I know mine has set up extra funding) and if UK check the legislation because I am certain landlords cannot evict during this time and I know there is a mortgage break.

I don't believe exes NEED to do anything but I do think morally decent people know what the other has done for them and should help if able, especially if they have already offered.

And no, I don't think you should do anyone a favour. Concentrate on your uni and he can collect his stuff once you have the time (as long as you're not intentionally being difficult).

It's good to know that when poppi and tiger are vulnerable we can mock them for being abused and cheated on. Hilarious in fact.

This is disgusting. Anyone who thinks abuse is hilarious should be ashamed of themselves!

They broke up in January, it wasn't like they broke up and he left her a couple of days later.

The dog she has said herself he can't have where he lives so she decided to keep it for herself.
The mother is the go-between who is trying to get his certificates back. I think having a go-between is better than him coming around personally but if the OP would prefer him to come then she needs to say that to him.

It's good to know that when poppi and tiger are vulnerable we can mock them for being abused and cheated on. Hilarious in fact.

This is a disgusting thing to say.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I won't be engaging with this thread anymore as I keep repeating myself over and over again.

I'm also starting to think that some of the misunderstanding might be cultural. If I give my word it is sacred. That's why I don't make promises lightly. The way my ex acted was extremely out of character and I didn't see it coming. Some of my friends did but not me. It happened so quickly as well it was a complete headf*ck.

I was 19 years old when we got together and he was my first bf. Everything was my first with him so to see him change so drastically was very painful. I've never had a reason to doubt him so it was a rude awakening.

I got a nice wage rise at my part time job so it's enough to pay for the bills and rent. I'll be looking to get more hours but unfortunately the virus is making it challenging.

In my relationship I often felt like a manager or a coach working tirelessly behind the lines of making someone into a star. My ex is intelligent and has a great potential. Shame I was wasting mine in the process but I did believe I will never get better mentally so at least one of us can be successful. Only now I see all the mistakes I made but as I said hindsight is a wonderful thing...not.

His mum kept pestering me with phone calls and messages, started liking my posts on FB and sending me cute pics of my dog so I answered. I told her I'm really busy and that I will send the papers when I have some more time, in a week time. They wanted a specific certificate that I actually took a photo of and sent it to her before a few years back and I found it within our chat gallery. They were delighted. My next plan is to gather his shit gradually as I'll be coming across it and make a grand bonfire in the garden and burn it to the ground. Nah, just joking. I'll ask them to pick.it up from.my friends place. I need to reconcile with the fact that my relationship wasn't what I thought it was probably and so was the man I loved. It feels kinda wasteful, all those years together, but it is what it is. I hope you all have a great night and thanks for your input. Remember, don't be me!

It reads to me the ex said he would support you just to keep the peace.

And im not being funny but 2 adults especially 1 working away from home for most of the day wouldnt generate that much cleaning to do.

I would love to hear his side.I bet it would be closer to the truth than what the op is claiming.

He sounds like an unrelenting dickhead. Dont put yourself out for him.

OP it is hard when any relationship ends and you have been together for a long time so it must feel awful. But don't see it as time wasted, see it as you had a good time together in the beginning but the relationship has been failing for a long time so now it is just time to move on and start a new chapter in life.

It wasn't wasted OP. You have grown and developed into an intelligent woman with drive and determination. I think most of us have sad things that have happened that make us wish for simpler times. You will have so much more happiness than you thought possible. And hopefully will never, ever see this man again. Lots of love, and all the best with your Masters x

There are always two sides two the story. I wish he told me his so I could make sense of what the neck happened?

Just a wee calculation:
Dog walking 7x1.5
Work 20h
Food making: breakfasts for work plus dinner 1h 15min x 7 (weekends three meals a day)
Cleaning in a week 3h
Shopping weekly 1 h
Washing dishes, washing clothes, ironing, folding 1h a week
I'm not even counting the vet appointments, calling gas and electricity company, monitoring our spending, budgeting, holiday planning, etc
That's way over 40h. Not to mention the mental load of remembering about everything to do in the house! When my mental health was tanking some of the tasks felt gigantic but I still did it!

As I said he would wake up me in the morning to ask me where are his keys or his bag or whatever he lost. This was normal. I felt like I am.expected to have a GPS tracking all his stuff.

Now all I have to think about is myself and the dog and I feel free so I'm already seeing the good side of the breakup.

Ok, ladies and gents. It was a pleasure to tell you my sad life story. I hope I'll be able to give it a better, positive twist. I'm thinking I need it a kick in the backside. It really could be worse.

Thank you so much for your help and for listening!

@katedoesntknow sorry you've had a bit of a bashing on here. You shared a flat which he should have been responsible for with you until the end of the tenancy - or a reasonable period to allow you to find another flat mate or move out or whatever. Maybe that's partly why he was offering to assist you financially? He left you with the dog who all of a sudden needed care hitting your cashflow hard. To me that is walking away from his responsibilities.

It seems as though you helped him out financially at a point when he was struggling and you worked and paid your way so people thinking you are money grabbing are missing the point.

On top of all that, he left you with all his crap in the house - over to you to clean up after him again- he isn't coming to get it and he won't talk to you.

You are better off without him. I would tell his mother where and when his stuff can be collected and I would pack it all into bin bags. Don't waste any more time on him or his mother.

My next plan is to gather his shit gradually as I'll be coming across it and make a grand bonfire in the garden and burn it to the ground.

Do it. Do it. Do it!!!

I will come round and toast marshmallows on it with you .....

He should be paying his share of the rent until you have agreed that you can afford to take it on or have had time to find a cheaper place. That's what a decent person would do.

Personally I would black bwg all his shit and message his mom saying it will be outside on x day bin collection is on y day you were only prepared to store his items while he was contributing but you want it gone now he isnt