Ex blocked me on everything, now sends his mum to deal with our stuff

[KateDoesntKnow]

I've been with my ex partner for 14 years. We are both in our mid 30s. In my 5th year of studies my mental health deteriorated and I was diagnosed with C-PTSD. As a result my boyfriend suggested I should take a part time job and he will work full time and support us so I can get better. He got a good job in the field whilst still.at uni. That was 5 years ago. Soon I took over EVERYTHING to do with the house: looking after the dog, bills, dealing with any problems with bills/agency, shopping, cooking, cleaning, even making him sandwiches for work and preparing his clothes so he would save time in the morning (I know, I was an idiot), organising trips and holidays and his only task was to go to work. I would help him prepare for job interviews, help with any issues he had at work, listened to his detailed daily reports about his work and his colleagues, edit his job applications even wrote 30 pages long PhD proposal application form. I was so invested in making him succeed I completely forgot about myself. We had money together and access to each other bank account. He left dealing with financial side of things to me, too. Success at work changed him. He start pointing it out that I'm not giving him anything back for his financial support. 3 years ago I started to get better mentally. I started to question our arrangement. When I said that I'm worried that I'll be left with nothing when we break up he kept saying that all I have to do is to be nice to him and I'll be sorted for the rest of my life. Due to my C-PTSD our sex life was patchy at best. He was getting frustrated with me. Last year I decided to start masters in a subject that will bring me a very good career prospects. I was mentally better and I wanted us as a household to rely on my ex less. After the first semester, mid January he broke up with me. We had issues for the last year. Our communicstion was non existent. I wanted to try therapy as we still loved each other by this point and i didn't want to give up without trying. Unfortunately he didn't want that. He was unhappy and wanted out. After three weeks he hooked up with his new co-worker, not just seeing each other; full blown relationship after just two dates. We were still living together and he would bring her over for dates when I was at work. In the same time he promised to help me out financially throughout uni. My masters deadline is in August. He gets a very good wage by this point and was getting another wage rise. His promise was based on the fact that over the length of the whole relationship I supported his career and he wanted to give sth back to me. He kept saying that I'm still important to him as a person and he will always care about me and be my friend. He moved out at the beginning of March. Our farewell was heartfelt. He was crying uncontrollably and cuddling me and promising we will always be friends. That he still have feeling for me and cares about me so he doesn't want to see me worse off. He came back 1.5 week later to collect some of his stuff and said that he's happy to see me. He offered that he will increase the amount of money he's giving me, unprompted as he just got a wage rise. Then 6 days later he phoned me and started to shout that why is he supposed to support his ex. He said that it's causing some serious trouble in his new relationship. While on the phone i could hear his new gf huffing and puffing in the background. Then he just stopped answering his phone. Our dog got very ill. I had to go through his mum cause he switched off his phone. I wanted him to cover the upcoming vet bill cause I paid for the four previous visits. I also wanted to know what's happening with his promise since he didn't actually said anything about changing his mind. He replied that he doesn't want to support me anymore. That I'm an adult and I supposed to take care of myself and that i should sought out other friends. Then he switched off his phone and later blocked me everywhere even though I didn't try to contact him pass the first day when I got the news. This happened during a lockdown, when I had 4 essays to hand in. Without his help I couldn't afford the rent. He left me with 700 pounds to my name and a sick dog who he apparently loves although not even once asked about him. I trusted that guy with my life. I was so hurt and felt betrayed and discarded like an used item. And all during a pandemic. I also accidentally learned that his family who was my family for so long was talking bad about me. Not even once any of them contacted me to ask how am I doing? Now three weeks later his mum is ringing me out of the blue and messaging on Facebook. I have this ad on installed that lets you read messages without the other person knowing you read them. My ex wants his certificates back. He had two months to pack yet on the last day he started doing it an hour before his lift supposed to arrive and asked me for help! Hes unpacked crap is all over the placs including boxes in the storage room. Whole 14 years of it that I'm expected to pack for him??? His mum wants me to send the certificates to her. She even gave me transferred money to my account do so and asked to let her know when I'll do it.(!) They also want to collect his stuff after a lockdown. She also asked about me and the dog but I know they don't really care. So I don't want anyone to judge me on my life choices and I don't want debates whether my ex had a moral obligations to help me or not. He gave me his word and I trusted him. His family new he did that yet thought it acceptable to back track like that. If he didn't promise me his help ill have more time to sort myself out before my final weeks at uni. My own family is poor and lives in another country but managed to pull together to help me out this month. That's not important.

What I want to ask...after how they treated me I don't feel like talking to any of them. I feel further humiliated that my ex is sending his mum to deal with his stuff. Cowardly and childish. Additionally, every time I "hear" anything from him (discovering that he blocked me, that he went behind my back to our letting agency etc) I get panic attack and my ibs flares up. I dread another humiliation. I still have loads of uni work so I won't have the time to search for his stuff around the house. I feel it's bold to debase and screw your ex like that and then expect her to help you? (I'd be homeless next month during a pandemic if it wasn't for my family!) So far I don't feel like answering the calls at all. I need to focus on uni. Btw, he's staying with his new squeeze in another city atm. The change of attitude towards me correlated with him moving to hers. I am enraged that they have a cheek to ask me for help like nothing ever happened. What do you gals think? I'll send his shit to him at the beginning of May when I'll be done with uni.

Is his stuff still at your house, that you are now fully paying for yourself? If so I would tell his mother that you will bag his stuff up and leave it outside on a certain date, certificates included. Use the £15 to pay for bin bags.

You’ve split up. For whatever reasons. You’ve no children, you’ve no reason to be supported. Either you keep the dog and pay its bills or he keeps the dog and pays it’s bills. Give each other your stuff back (when you can due to lockdown, although I fail to see why you can’t send his certificate). You don’t need to have any contact with him or his mother when everything is properly separated. Move forward. Hanging onto things and keeping contact only drags the pain out. Get your studies done and move on by yourself (and feel proud).

Block his Mum for now until you decide what to do - don’t even read the message with that app thing you have - it’s triggering you.

The most important thing now is preserving your MH, your dignity and focusing on finishing your course to your v best level.

He has destabilised a lot of your life, RS and money which you thought you had.

Don’t let him take anything more away from you.

Preserve your finite emotional energy so that you can direct it to healing, moving on and getting through your Masters to your shiny new life.

Don’t let him and his antics drain any of this emotional energy - you need every drop.

So don’t pick up the bait.
Don’t respond to your urge for revenge - this will back fire.
Don’t get back in the game.
Drop the rope.

Sit quietly for a moment and think what suits you in the long and short term to preserve your MH.

If it is to ask him to clear it all after lock down - do that.

If it is to dump everything in bags and leave outside - do that.

If it is to ignore - do that.

The motivation has to be for YOUR long term benefit - and if that “looks like” cooperating with them / giving in - who cares.

Cut all SM and info sources about him. You need to emotionally protect yourself so that you move on from anger and finally become “indifferent” and “relieved”.

Sadly people lie and tell you things they think you want to hear to ease the pain and guilt.

It is painful when the person you were with for so long can completely turn their back on you.

You need to focus on you and how you move forward. You clearly have a plan academically and for working which is merely weeks to go. You can achieve this on your own and you are stronger than you think you are.

He is clearly a complete arse. Like many before him. My ex of 14 years left nearly 3 years ago now. He Promised to be my best friend and support the children etc. Only 6 months later he stopped paying child support and got himself employed on a contract basis. I haven't seen a penny since. They are only interested in themselves.

I would gather up all his stuff and get it put somewhere ready to be dropped/collected at a time that suits you. I wouldn't allow him back into your space to be rummaging through things. And then stop all contact from that point.

everything into bin bags outside. let his mum know, block all contact and get on with your life. any important documents may or not be lost here. and chilli rubbed on the crotch of all underwear would not fo a miss. Some may say its childish but after what he did its actually very little in the way of revenge.

This situation is taking up a lot of your mental energy and headspace. Prioritise getting all his things into bags/boxes today and then ring his mum to come and collect it all. You will feel so much lighter and once it is done that is the end of any relationship with them. No more contact. Imagine how great it will feel to know that they never have to bother you again.

What is the situation with the dog? You cannot share custody, it simply doesn't work. One of you must own the dog outright and the other must accept that their relationship with the dog is also over. I'm presuming that you have the dog so he doesn't have to pay vet bills from now on.

I’d send back the money and block.
Worry about it later when lockdown is over

Two things jump out at me from this thread. 1) you have continued to wholeheartedly trust the word of someone who has treated you like shit. I know it's hard, I've been there. My ex took a large loan from me when I was recovering from a major injury and has just been sacked, 3 days later he left me for someone else. I was expected to sort everything from packing his stuff to emotionally supporting his devastated teenage sister. It drew me further into his world when he was building a life with someone new. See him for who he is and expect nothing. Protect yourself and start a new, exciting independent life.
2) you seem to hold housekeeping in very high regard when you haven't got DC. This is an observation not a criticism but be mindful of the situation you found yourself in. You are a gf not their mother so stop washing pants and make sure you can work FT. People do this through poor MH and whilst looking after their home to. He had to do nothing so he didnt respect what you were doing at home. He probably doesn't respect his GF either. Be grateful you arent left looking after DC in this and block the shitbag and his mother.

The plan was originally to share the dog but he moved into a space that apparently didn't allow dogs so the dog stayed with me. Since he moved out he not even once asked how's the dog. I asked for him to cover the next vet bill because we supposed to share the responsibility. After the way he treated me and how little he care about the dog I decided I'll keep him. The dog is my rock and without his love I'll be in a much worse place. We are bonded more than the dog and my ex plus I take a better care of him anyway.

When I got no response from my ex about that vet bill I borrowed money from my best friend. The insurer will pay me back anyway. I don't want anything to do with that money.

Despite everything, and to my utter annoyance, I still somehow care about my ex. I am angry of how he dealt with the breakup. We didn't have to go this way at all. We could be such great friends. I guess someone who he know for two months proved go be more important than our friendship and 14 years together that I feel like have been now lost.

I actually feel somehow relieved that I don't have to live his life, his problems, that nobody wakes me up at 6am asking where are his boxers/keys/wallet etc.

I know I needed this wake up call to start working towards my own career. Me and the dog will be fine. I don't see how his new relationship will work long term since they practically don't know each other. The best bit is that we slept together after the breakup. I didn't know at the time that he was already seeing her. I GAVE him my word that I won't tell anyone about it when he accidentally let it slip that he was already in the relationship. The difference is I am always keeping my word.

Also, sorry everyone for my incoherent rambling. I'm working on my essays and haven't slept properly in four days.

Thank you so much for all the opinions. It's interesting to see how differently people approach life.

I would send the money back and tell his mum he can make arrangements to collect his belongings after lockdown is over and at a time that is convenient for you. Then block her.

And I seriously doubt he took up with this woman only after he left. When someone leaves you and pooof a new girlfriend appears as if by magic, it wasn't magic. She was in the top hat the whole time.

I GAVE him my word that I won't tell anyone about it when he accidentally let it slip that he was already in the relationship.

wake up. he still controls you. Get rid of his stuff and block all contact. You would never have stayed friends in any capacity. he is a user.

We could be such great friends

Why would any balanced emotionally healthy person want to be great friends with someone who has treated them so badly?

Why did you do all of that subservient wifework stuff?

This is really disordered thinking. You will likely end up in another abusive unbalanced RS in the future.

Know your worth.

Demand equality in a RS.

Move on cleanly and swiftly from people who have not got your best interests at heart.

What happened in your childhood to leave you with such debilitating MH issues?

This is your priority. Look after your MH so that you can swerve bad situations by knowing your worth and holding your boundaries.

He can pack his own shit and collect after lockdown

This.

Ask about student hardship funds. I've been pleasantly surprised in the past at how much these have helped friends of mine in desperate situations. Make calling them your priority.

Also apply for universal credit. Get the ball rolling on that ASAP.

Remove him from the equation, as he has done with you. It's shitty and unfair but it's reality and you need to focus on the future and taking positive steps towards getting yourself financially stable rather than focusing on the past and him being a dick.

I know that's awful and unfair and he has taken advantage, but every ounce of energy you spend being angry with him or going over what's happened is an ounce of energy you can use positively.

You poor thing, I really feel for you

I meant we could be friends if he didn't treat me like shit after breaking up. There so no way I'll let him back into my life.

I could go to his new gf and tell her who he really is but I'll let her figure it out on her own.

I did apply for the UC and I don't qualify as a full time student. I got a call from them last week and they closed my case.

He treated you like shit for years not just in the last few weeks.

I did apply for the UC and I don't qualify as a full time student. I got a call from them last week and they closed my case.

Ah that's such a shame, sorry. I would still speak to your university as they often have hardship funds available. Be persistent with them, often they are surprisingly helpful.

@KateDoesntKnow

I'm so sorry this happened to you.You're not the first woman unfortunately who's fallen victim to a selfish man who has developed a massive ego thanks to his new found "success" and rather than include the people who have supported him to get there;has decided they don't fit into their life anymore and replace them.

It's abit narcissist tbh.

You and your ex weren't married and have no children together therefore in the eyes of the law you're not entitled to a penny as harsh as that seems.

Send the money back. Block them all on everything. Work on your studies and seeking employment to support yourself. Take back some control and only deal with him (not his proxy's!) when you feel able to.

I think your friends are right and he was scared about you becoming financially independent and gaining career success.

You clearly knew more than he did when you wrote and supported his PHD application.

Some men can't handle intelligent women who succeed and surpass them in their career...they can't deal with a woman earning more than them.

Block his mum and concentrate on your essays.
I don't know why she's getting herself involved in a grown man's issues.

After lockdown, he is welcome to come and collect his stuff.

You'll be just fine without him and it's clear you will be successful in y oi your endeavours.

I would say wait until the lockdown is over but I think you need his stuff gone asap so you can block them all and move on.

Bag up his stuff and then text his mum a certain time to pick them up, put them outside and wait until she comes ( to make sure they don't get stolen) and then as soon as you see her go inside and block them all and move on.

Hmm. I don't see what he's done wrong. He supported you for years whilst you were mentally unwell. You did the housework but he could have paid someone to do it instead of you. You helped him with his phd...that's what couples do. Help each other if they can but you don't have to hold it as some kind of transactions. You not working and you doing the housework wasnt the reason for his success.

You were very unreasonable agreeing to him to continue supporting you financially after you split and I din blame his family and his new girlfriend for finding it off.

I agree with PP's, focus on your studies and you can deal with his stuff in May. I'd ignore all contact from his Mum and transfer the money back.

He can figure out how to get his stuff back post-Lockdown. If you want to put it in bin bags when you have time, fine. It might be refreshing to get his stuff out of sight and re-organise the space as you want it.