Ex blocked me on everything, now sends his mum to deal with our stuff

[KateDoesntKnow]

I've been with my ex partner for 14 years. We are both in our mid 30s. In my 5th year of studies my mental health deteriorated and I was diagnosed with C-PTSD. As a result my boyfriend suggested I should take a part time job and he will work full time and support us so I can get better. He got a good job in the field whilst still.at uni. That was 5 years ago. Soon I took over EVERYTHING to do with the house: looking after the dog, bills, dealing with any problems with bills/agency, shopping, cooking, cleaning, even making him sandwiches for work and preparing his clothes so he would save time in the morning (I know, I was an idiot), organising trips and holidays and his only task was to go to work. I would help him prepare for job interviews, help with any issues he had at work, listened to his detailed daily reports about his work and his colleagues, edit his job applications even wrote 30 pages long PhD proposal application form. I was so invested in making him succeed I completely forgot about myself. We had money together and access to each other bank account. He left dealing with financial side of things to me, too. Success at work changed him. He start pointing it out that I'm not giving him anything back for his financial support. 3 years ago I started to get better mentally. I started to question our arrangement. When I said that I'm worried that I'll be left with nothing when we break up he kept saying that all I have to do is to be nice to him and I'll be sorted for the rest of my life. Due to my C-PTSD our sex life was patchy at best. He was getting frustrated with me. Last year I decided to start masters in a subject that will bring me a very good career prospects. I was mentally better and I wanted us as a household to rely on my ex less. After the first semester, mid January he broke up with me. We had issues for the last year. Our communicstion was non existent. I wanted to try therapy as we still loved each other by this point and i didn't want to give up without trying. Unfortunately he didn't want that. He was unhappy and wanted out. After three weeks he hooked up with his new co-worker, not just seeing each other; full blown relationship after just two dates. We were still living together and he would bring her over for dates when I was at work. In the same time he promised to help me out financially throughout uni. My masters deadline is in August. He gets a very good wage by this point and was getting another wage rise. His promise was based on the fact that over the length of the whole relationship I supported his career and he wanted to give sth back to me. He kept saying that I'm still important to him as a person and he will always care about me and be my friend. He moved out at the beginning of March. Our farewell was heartfelt. He was crying uncontrollably and cuddling me and promising we will always be friends. That he still have feeling for me and cares about me so he doesn't want to see me worse off. He came back 1.5 week later to collect some of his stuff and said that he's happy to see me. He offered that he will increase the amount of money he's giving me, unprompted as he just got a wage rise. Then 6 days later he phoned me and started to shout that why is he supposed to support his ex. He said that it's causing some serious trouble in his new relationship. While on the phone i could hear his new gf huffing and puffing in the background. Then he just stopped answering his phone. Our dog got very ill. I had to go through his mum cause he switched off his phone. I wanted him to cover the upcoming vet bill cause I paid for the four previous visits. I also wanted to know what's happening with his promise since he didn't actually said anything about changing his mind. He replied that he doesn't want to support me anymore. That I'm an adult and I supposed to take care of myself and that i should sought out other friends. Then he switched off his phone and later blocked me everywhere even though I didn't try to contact him pass the first day when I got the news. This happened during a lockdown, when I had 4 essays to hand in. Without his help I couldn't afford the rent. He left me with 700 pounds to my name and a sick dog who he apparently loves although not even once asked about him. I trusted that guy with my life. I was so hurt and felt betrayed and discarded like an used item. And all during a pandemic. I also accidentally learned that his family who was my family for so long was talking bad about me. Not even once any of them contacted me to ask how am I doing? Now three weeks later his mum is ringing me out of the blue and messaging on Facebook. I have this ad on installed that lets you read messages without the other person knowing you read them. My ex wants his certificates back. He had two months to pack yet on the last day he started doing it an hour before his lift supposed to arrive and asked me for help! Hes unpacked crap is all over the placs including boxes in the storage room. Whole 14 years of it that I'm expected to pack for him??? His mum wants me to send the certificates to her. She even gave me transferred money to my account do so and asked to let her know when I'll do it.(!) They also want to collect his stuff after a lockdown. She also asked about me and the dog but I know they don't really care. So I don't want anyone to judge me on my life choices and I don't want debates whether my ex had a moral obligations to help me or not. He gave me his word and I trusted him. His family new he did that yet thought it acceptable to back track like that. If he didn't promise me his help ill have more time to sort myself out before my final weeks at uni. My own family is poor and lives in another country but managed to pull together to help me out this month. That's not important.

What I want to ask...after how they treated me I don't feel like talking to any of them. I feel further humiliated that my ex is sending his mum to deal with his stuff. Cowardly and childish. Additionally, every time I "hear" anything from him (discovering that he blocked me, that he went behind my back to our letting agency etc) I get panic attack and my ibs flares up. I dread another humiliation. I still have loads of uni work so I won't have the time to search for his stuff around the house. I feel it's bold to debase and screw your ex like that and then expect her to help you? (I'd be homeless next month during a pandemic if it wasn't for my family!) So far I don't feel like answering the calls at all. I need to focus on uni. Btw, he's staying with his new squeeze in another city atm. The change of attitude towards me correlated with him moving to hers. I am enraged that they have a cheek to ask me for help like nothing ever happened. What do you gals think? I'll send his shit to him at the beginning of May when I'll be done with uni.

Ignore and block

It is shit but you can do this.

I would contact his Mum (what is he 13?) that is the new girlfriend telling him he cannot have any contact with you, and tell her you are busy but when you have time you will address it.

If she contacts you again, repeat the exact same phrase.

Maybe if he had been more organised (like you) he would have remembered all of his stuff especially the important stuff.

When you have finished your studies and when you are ready, get some packing boxes and just chuck all of his stuff into it, no sorting, no organising, no nice folding, no avoiding dog ears on important documents. If he wanted it done nicely he should have done it himself.

There is no humiliation here, the relationship didn't work out for whatever reason he has said to himself, so move on. If that means moving cities then do it. I have been married for over 20 years, doesn't mean Dh was my first boyfriend. I have been dumped several times in long term relationships. So what?

Good luck with your masters, concentrate on that.

Pack all of his stuff into bin liners. Put them outside of your property. Take a photo, send it to his mother and then block every mutual contact you have.
If they don't come and get it, the council can take it away and you need to have no contact.

@Crackerscheesescabbyknees love it!

Do you have children? If not, then why would you expect him to continue to support you? You say, several times, that all he had to do was to go out to work. As if that's nothing. My DH works, I'm retired, and I do everything around the house because I think that's fair. He has supported you through your degree, your mental health issues and when you chose to work part time.
He's now realised that he doesn't actually need to give you any money, and actually, why should he? If you're struggling, apply for UC. I'm afraid you're coming across as very entitled.

I wouldn't do him any favours, I would ask him to call round and gather up whatever he wants after lockdown, at your convenience, don't do his packing for him. He will probably ask that he can do it while you're at work.
He shouldn't have made empty promises while he was leaving, there's no way that was sustainable. When I met dh his ex girlfriend was living in his house rent free while he continued to pay the mortgage, within two months she had moved out and was furious and blamed me, but how could that have continued? He wanted to cut all ties and plan his future without her.

And you have to do the same. Try not to be resentful for what you gave up, the set up must have suited you both at that time and it sounds as though you weren't in a good place mentally to secure your own career even without supporting his. Would you have been able to contemplate a masters degree without his financial support? Try to look at the positives and what a great future you could have now without having to centre his career all the time. Good luck.

If his stuff is all over the house, just put it in boxes in one room out of the way and let him know via his mother. Don't be childish and leave it on the doorstep, that's a bad idea, especially as no one should be making non essential journeys at the moment.

Where did I say he supported me through uni? We both were studying at the same time. I actually supported him during first year when he was studying and I was working full time. I went to uni a year after him and we graduated in the same time.

I also paid into our household funds. I worked half of what he did and did everything else. I didn't expect him to pay for me after breakup. He offered.

My friends have a theory that he broke up with me because I was doing well at uni and was enroute of gaining my financial independence and he didn't like it cause it meant he would have to start living like an adult not using me as a mother substitute and start helping around the house. His new gf is self employed and currently not working so I guess he found a replacement so he can only focus on his career why someone else's washes his boxers for him.

He says you're an adult so should be supporting yourself, well, he's an adult too and shouldn't be hiding behind mummy. Spend the rest of the lockdown concentrating on your essays and having a plan for when the lockdown is lifted. Good luck OP.

Your friends are bang on.

Who paid and what and who did what is irrelevant now, as long as you have no children or shared debt then he has no financial obligation to you.

Just bag his stuff up when next convenient for you, let his mum collect it and move on with your life.

So if you met someone new and they told you they were still financially supporting their ex who they didn’t have children with so no legal reason to support them whatsoever, you wouldn’t question why that was?

I know I’d think a man was an absolute mug if he told me he was still sending his ex money, this isn’t a normal set up at all unless it’s maintenance for children.

Yes, don't be childish... wait until after the lockdown to leave the stuff outside his mother's house. As you've repeatedly said OP, the issue is not that he 'shouldn't' have been supporting you financially. Personally if I were his new gf I would be questioning why he feels guilty enough to offer to do that. He made his decisions and put you in the middle of them then took them away at a moment's notice. THAT is why you are and should be angry. You're allowed to be angry. That will help you to move on from that weirdo.

"he kept saying that all I have to do is to be nice to him and I'll be sorted for the rest of my life*"
*
Financial abuse is a very real thing.

Sounds like it's been a really tough break up.
Looking at it from a practical point of view, do you want him or his mother coming to your home to pack up his stuff? I think that would be very stressful, so probably better to do it yourself. If you really don't have time( but seriously, how long will it take?) tell his mother you've got a deadline for your studies and will deal with it after that. And then do, and arrange a date on which she can collect it. Be civil, and retain your dignity.
Focus on your studies, and then spend some time considering why you acted like a 50's wife to someone who you weren't married to. Presumably it worked for you at the time, but you need to make sure you protect yourself in the future.

Pack his stuff, i.e throw into bin bags, in a heap, even his certificates.
Block his mum, then contact him and tell him his stuff is outside, he'd better get it before it rains.
Please do this.

Do not put his stuff outside. You are responsible for it if it gets stolen or ruined.

Honestly I’d ignore it until he can be an adult and contact you himself rather than his mummy.

I’m surprised you didn’t burn the lot - I would have! He was obviously seeing her king before he left.

You're not responsible for any of the belongings he left behind. He had every opportunity to take them and then he ceased all contact with you. For all he knows, you don't live there any more and only took your belongings with you when you moved. He was responsible for his belongings. If they had been burned in a random house fire, he would have to be sourcing replacements, not asking mummy to collect them for him.

It is hard to read op, I think that’s why there is some confusion.

For example you say his mum gave you money to send the certificates then say you wouldn’t accept money to send the certificates. It does read like he was financially supporting you but you say he wasn’t.

Look, people break up, it’s come at an awful time for you, and he should never have promised to keep giving you money after you were split. Irrelevant of what occured during the relationship and who supported who. The mistake was saying he would keep paying for you.

When this is over, just let them collect their stuff and block them. In the mean time look for ways to financially support yourself, so neither he nor your family have to do so.

Sorry for the confusion. He's mum transferred me £15
So I can pay for the postage. She did it without asking me whether I'll actually want to do it in the first place. Now (as today) she is messaging me with a photos of the dog I shared and asking how are we? What the hell? Somehow she wasn't that bothered after her son left me with no money just two weeks ago.

Send her the money back.

They don’t get to dictate what you do.

My ex left the week before I started a Masters. So on the uni front get in touch with your tutor and tell them what’s happening. If you need an extension to any of your essays you need to set that up now as it needs to be approved. You may not use it but better to be prepared. Also you may qualify for financial support. Student services may help here. Your tutor can point you in the right direction.

As you say your priority is YOU which means your health and your Uni course. Ignore what he wants, you’re not together anymore.

Block his mother, she’s nothing to you. Send her money back.