Ex blocked me on everything, now sends his mum to deal with our stuff

[KateDoesntKnow]

I've been with my ex partner for 14 years. We are both in our mid 30s. In my 5th year of studies my mental health deteriorated and I was diagnosed with C-PTSD. As a result my boyfriend suggested I should take a part time job and he will work full time and support us so I can get better. He got a good job in the field whilst still.at uni. That was 5 years ago. Soon I took over EVERYTHING to do with the house: looking after the dog, bills, dealing with any problems with bills/agency, shopping, cooking, cleaning, even making him sandwiches for work and preparing his clothes so he would save time in the morning (I know, I was an idiot), organising trips and holidays and his only task was to go to work. I would help him prepare for job interviews, help with any issues he had at work, listened to his detailed daily reports about his work and his colleagues, edit his job applications even wrote 30 pages long PhD proposal application form. I was so invested in making him succeed I completely forgot about myself. We had money together and access to each other bank account. He left dealing with financial side of things to me, too. Success at work changed him. He start pointing it out that I'm not giving him anything back for his financial support. 3 years ago I started to get better mentally. I started to question our arrangement. When I said that I'm worried that I'll be left with nothing when we break up he kept saying that all I have to do is to be nice to him and I'll be sorted for the rest of my life. Due to my C-PTSD our sex life was patchy at best. He was getting frustrated with me. Last year I decided to start masters in a subject that will bring me a very good career prospects. I was mentally better and I wanted us as a household to rely on my ex less. After the first semester, mid January he broke up with me. We had issues for the last year. Our communicstion was non existent. I wanted to try therapy as we still loved each other by this point and i didn't want to give up without trying. Unfortunately he didn't want that. He was unhappy and wanted out. After three weeks he hooked up with his new co-worker, not just seeing each other; full blown relationship after just two dates. We were still living together and he would bring her over for dates when I was at work. In the same time he promised to help me out financially throughout uni. My masters deadline is in August. He gets a very good wage by this point and was getting another wage rise. His promise was based on the fact that over the length of the whole relationship I supported his career and he wanted to give sth back to me. He kept saying that I'm still important to him as a person and he will always care about me and be my friend. He moved out at the beginning of March. Our farewell was heartfelt. He was crying uncontrollably and cuddling me and promising we will always be friends. That he still have feeling for me and cares about me so he doesn't want to see me worse off. He came back 1.5 week later to collect some of his stuff and said that he's happy to see me. He offered that he will increase the amount of money he's giving me, unprompted as he just got a wage rise. Then 6 days later he phoned me and started to shout that why is he supposed to support his ex. He said that it's causing some serious trouble in his new relationship. While on the phone i could hear his new gf huffing and puffing in the background. Then he just stopped answering his phone. Our dog got very ill. I had to go through his mum cause he switched off his phone. I wanted him to cover the upcoming vet bill cause I paid for the four previous visits. I also wanted to know what's happening with his promise since he didn't actually said anything about changing his mind. He replied that he doesn't want to support me anymore. That I'm an adult and I supposed to take care of myself and that i should sought out other friends. Then he switched off his phone and later blocked me everywhere even though I didn't try to contact him pass the first day when I got the news. This happened during a lockdown, when I had 4 essays to hand in. Without his help I couldn't afford the rent. He left me with 700 pounds to my name and a sick dog who he apparently loves although not even once asked about him. I trusted that guy with my life. I was so hurt and felt betrayed and discarded like an used item. And all during a pandemic. I also accidentally learned that his family who was my family for so long was talking bad about me. Not even once any of them contacted me to ask how am I doing? Now three weeks later his mum is ringing me out of the blue and messaging on Facebook. I have this ad on installed that lets you read messages without the other person knowing you read them. My ex wants his certificates back. He had two months to pack yet on the last day he started doing it an hour before his lift supposed to arrive and asked me for help! Hes unpacked crap is all over the placs including boxes in the storage room. Whole 14 years of it that I'm expected to pack for him??? His mum wants me to send the certificates to her. She even gave me transferred money to my account do so and asked to let her know when I'll do it.(!) They also want to collect his stuff after a lockdown. She also asked about me and the dog but I know they don't really care. So I don't want anyone to judge me on my life choices and I don't want debates whether my ex had a moral obligations to help me or not. He gave me his word and I trusted him. His family new he did that yet thought it acceptable to back track like that. If he didn't promise me his help ill have more time to sort myself out before my final weeks at uni. My own family is poor and lives in another country but managed to pull together to help me out this month. That's not important.

What I want to ask...after how they treated me I don't feel like talking to any of them. I feel further humiliated that my ex is sending his mum to deal with his stuff. Cowardly and childish. Additionally, every time I "hear" anything from him (discovering that he blocked me, that he went behind my back to our letting agency etc) I get panic attack and my ibs flares up. I dread another humiliation. I still have loads of uni work so I won't have the time to search for his stuff around the house. I feel it's bold to debase and screw your ex like that and then expect her to help you? (I'd be homeless next month during a pandemic if it wasn't for my family!) So far I don't feel like answering the calls at all. I need to focus on uni. Btw, he's staying with his new squeeze in another city atm. The change of attitude towards me correlated with him moving to hers. I am enraged that they have a cheek to ask me for help like nothing ever happened. What do you gals think? I'll send his shit to him at the beginning of May when I'll be done with uni.

Stop handing him and his stupid family your dignity on a plate.

He's too chicken to get his own stuff so gets mummy to do it - a polite message back to her that bin bags with all his things will be left at X location on Y date and you would appreciate it if there's no further contact from him or his family as you are focusing on your studies. If he or a family member can't pick up the bin bags, not your problem. Fuck them. And no you won't post back his shit in drips and drabs. He's gone so you also want his stuff gone and to be free of being pestered for it.

He's badmouthed you to them to salve his own shitty conscience. And they will never believe or even care your side of it. They are his support network, not yours. So cut them off as well.

He doesn't give a fuck about the dog. It's your dog now. Accept that and accept all the bills. Get your masters, get that brilliant job and move onwards and upwards away from this manchild.

And practice saying fuck off for when he comes crawling back when NewGirl gets fed up washing his skiddies. You've wasted 14 years on this waster, don't waste another day on him.

@Poppi89 - absolutely no fucking need for that comment. Did it make you feel big and clever because it didn’t make you look that way!

OP has been studying, suffering with severe mental health issues and working 20 hours a week, as much as she could manage while she was so ill. She also supported his arse through his first year of uni if you’d learn to read.

@Jammydodger1981 - If a man came on here expecting his ex wife to financially support him there would be hell up on here.

Every single one of her posts has mentioned money. She is a scrounger and expects everyone to pay her way in life. Not only has she had money off him, she also says she has had money from her own family and even the ex's mother had to send her money so she will give back his stuff. She then says that she wants to keep the dog but still wants money for it - even though she said later that the insurance would cover it.

He has done nothing wrong in this situation but she is trying to play victim by saying he has left her with no money (if she was a SAHP then she would have my sympathy). Some people are gullible and will believe a sob story regardless of the facts.

I can’t understand what he has done that is so terrible? It seems he has supported you for years as you’ve chosen to work part-time and study. He’s “only” worked five days a week... but that has financially supported you both. He hasn’t been happy and has left, perhaps his mistake was to promise to support you after the break up - the fact you feel entitled to that is strange really. Just give his stuff back and move on. It’s not a disaster, though it may feel like that. You will grow, develop and learn from this. Best of luck.

I'm really tired with repeating myself on and on and on. He didn't supported me while I study apart for three months since September when I started my masters. I supported him for a year when he was in his first year. We both then we're at uni at the same time and graduated together. In my last year I was diagnosed with C-PTSD and because of the bad mental state I worked 20 hours a day. My ex worked 40 but I did everything else around the house. When you are responsible for everything you never really get a day off. Even walking the dog for 1.5 h every day for 7 days adds up. He earned more money but we both worked and pull the wages together. He didn't have to do anything at all at home.

For the tenth time, I didn't ask him to pay for me after breakup. Initially the breakup was though but ok. He offered to help me out financially through uni. Just before the rent was due he decided that he changed his mind. He didn't even tell me that he made this decision initially. Because I'd be short on rent my parents offered to help out.

I asked my ex to pay the vet bill cause I spent already £500 this month and simply didn't have anything spare. He'd get the money back from the insurer in three weeks time. Just as I will. My vet requires you to pay upfront and claim yourself from your insurer. These are their rules.

I got upset in how my ex dealt with the breakup. For two months we were ok and then in two weeks his blocking me despite the no contact on my side that he repeatedly kept breaking. Now his mum is contacting me asking to send her some of his documents. She send me money to pay for the postage and packaging, not to pay me to do it! I don't even know where is this stuff. I find this behaviour immature and unnecessary. He had two months to pack yet left all his items and clothes around the flat for me to do it. That's what gets me. The cheek of blocking me and then expecting me to help him as if nothing happened.

Thank you ladies who took the time to respond. It gave me a lot to think about.

I still don’t see the problem. The relationship has ended. You’ve got to separate your lives. He’s got someone else. He doesn’t want to pay for his ex anymore. He feels like you aren’t getting on and communicating so he blocks you. His mother has politely asked for his documents back. It would be pretty petty and mean not to send them. I know you think you could’ve stayed friends, but the odds of staying friends with an ex just after you’ve split and when they’ve a new love interest are quite low. As I said previously, it’s sad, but cut the ties, return his stuff, keep your dignity and move forward.

you seem to hold housekeeping in very high regard when you haven't got DC. This is an observation not a criticism but be mindful of the situation you found yourself in. You are a gf not their mother so stop washing pants and make sure you can work FT.

I agree with this.

You have kept the dog, so you need to cover its costs. If you can't, it needs to be rehomed either with him or someone else.

Give his mum (or him) a time and date to collect his stuff. Just get it all out of your house and move on from the relationship. Keep out of their way while they do it if possible.

He isn't obligated to support you financially. You may have been together a long time, but you're his ex gf, no kids in the picture. You need to be independent.

And yes, because there were no kids in the picture you weren't facilitating his success, so you aren't entitled to a share of it.

People block their exes. It might hurt, but it's just a fact of life, it doesn't make him evil.

I'd be interested to hear the other side of the story.

Re his stuff, just do whatever is least bother.

So if you like the idea of tearing through the house gathering up all his shit in one fell swoop then having it in a box for whoever to collect, & being free of it quickly, do that. If that sounds exhausting, stick a box somewhere you won't fall over it, & every time you come across anything of his (certificates, odd socks, whatever) - shove it in the box.

Either way, he can contact you once he wants to collect it, & you can hand it over, at a time convenient to you. Or, if you'd rather let his mum deal with it, reply to her message saying she's welcome to grab anything of his you've packed up, again at a time that suits you.

But ideally get it done ASAP so his crap is no longer living in your physical or mental space.

Then block the lot of them & get on with your life. Yes, he's been a rat. He's not going to get less ratty. Nothing you can do or say will change that, so leave him to it & crack on with your studies.

OP, those that are focusing on your supposed feelings that 'he was obligated to pay for you after he left' are simply not going to listen to you, no matter how you phrase it. They see money involved and jump to gold-digger outrage. It is clear what you mean and you don't need to worry about repeating yourself any more. He made an other-worldly promise to you, made you feel secure, then broke that promise. You are surviving and haven't asked him for anything since he left except the support with what you thought was your jointly owned dog. He could have promised you anything, he could have promised you he'd pick up a newspaper, it wouldn't change the fact that he then broke it and so coldly and then tried to make you feel bad for expecting it. That is reason enough to be angry. Please just ignore the people who aren't reading your posts.

You sound a bit immature OP. The relationship has ended, he has moved out and you are responsible for supporting yourself. Do your uni work and bung his stuff in a bag as you come across it, then when lockdown ends give his mum a date and time to fetch it. That is really all there is to say on the matter.

What he chooses to do with his life and his new relationship is no longer anything to do with you. Move on.

Babe. Do whatever the fuck makes you most comfortable. Right now, think of nobody else but yourself. If it's trashing his stuff or folding it nicely that makes you comfortable, do it. It's time to start living FOR YOU.
He promised you something. Even if he were to go back on his promise, surely there are better ways to go about it! And you co-own a dog! Anyway, I'm so glad you're finishing post grad soon and will make your own money.
Fuck his mum, his new girlfriend, your ex and everyone that knows him! DO YOU! Focus on your mental health. You've been terribly hurt and you need to be kind to yourself. X

@Poppi89

Another load of bullshit!

She didn’t expect him to support her. He OFFERED, then a few days before the rent was due, changed his mind. She’s not happy about this as it was pretty shitty.

His mother has sent the money because she wants OP to sort out posting them, before even asking her if she minded. He had ample opportunities to collect his stuff. It is not the OP’s responsibility to run around after him. If they’re that important he should have collected them the first time. If not, he can wait 🤷‍♀️

Yea be interesting to hear his side of the story but we'll never know. If you can't afford to keep the dog let him keep it or re-home it.

My ex worked 40 but I did everything else around the house. When you are responsible for everything you never really get a day off. Even walking the dog for 1.5 h every day for 7 days adds up

How messy are you both?! Before DD came along I worked full time, walked the dog and did all the housework along with studying for extra qualifications! A quick hour a day to clean a three bed and washing etc and still had plenty time for myself! I think you’re being rather OTT OP.

He made an other-worldly promise to you, made you feel secure, then broke that promise.

No - he didn't make her feel secure, she chose to feel secure on the basis of his unbelievable and unsustainable promise. He was never to going to deliver on it, and this is obvious to many posters.

The 'jointly owned' dog is living at her house, so it's her pet, not a joint one. Dogs aren't children, they don't get maintenance. The owner is whoever they are living with, and it's the owner who pays for upkeep.

In general, it's a good rule of thumb never to make yourself wholly dependent on someone else's promises. This is why keeping your independence is so important. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it's important.

He's decided he wants you to no longer exist so return the favour, no contact with his mumsy, no doing any more domestic chores like packing or looking for his shit.

I get it as well, if he wants you to be his dogsbody and pack his stuff he should have had the balls to ask you and treat you like a human being he was connected to for 14 years.
Blocking and getting mum to ask you to do this that and the other for him as an act of kindness, no he can get to fuck.

^^ Well said lilmishap.

Pile his stuff up in a corner until he has the balls to contact you and sort it out. Block his mum and any social media.

I'll bet that, even if not the absolute cause, he had an awful lot to do with the deterioration of your mental health. It may have even been a deliberate pattern of behaviour.

Your return to mental health and burgeoning independence from the leech is why he left.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but this may have saved your life and it could turn out to be the making of you.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

I don't get why you think he's being a bad guy just because he changed his mind about financially supporting you.

Who of us hasn't said things we don't mean during a break like "we will still be friends" "I'll stay in touch" etc doesn't mean they are a shitty person just because they change their mind. Just means they are human.

Give him his stuff back and move on.

The money is just yet another example of how he has treated her with utter contempt, there was no need for him to paint her as being desperate for money or to ring her her up being an arsehole about it, he bloody offered it to her and then acted as if she'd insisted on it.
She hadn't.

It's ok to be upset over breaking up with someone - that's normal.

It's not ok to then turn it around and try and punish him by not giving back his stuff, complaining that he is not paying the vet bills (when you've already said you decided to have the dog as he couldn't) and then saying he promised to financially support you but now he's backtracking.

As others have said it just makes you look immature. Rise above it - give his stuff back (not at any inconvenience to yourself just go to your room while he or his mum get it) and then block and move on.

@Jammydodger1981 Yes she supported him too - does that mean he is going to be held financially responsible for her forever?

He said for her to go part-time to cope with her health issues and she had full access to his money (decent). He then was getting frustrated due to her not contributing to the relationship financially as I am assuming she was planning to work full time after her studies but decided to do a masters instead. They then broke up and he said he would still financially support her (decent). - So yes he OFFERED but she didn't have to accept, he sounds like a pushover.

I personally wouldn't accept money from an ex especially if he had hurt my feelings so much, but you obviously would which is why you think him not helping her out financially now is so bad.

lilmishap you really don't know what the other side of the conversation went like. We have only one side.

The facts are they had a financial arrangement. He has changed his mind, which is his right to do so. They have broken up and its time to sort out getting his stuff back. His mum is acting as the go between and they want to draw a line under it and move on. These are the facts and the rest is subjective perceptions.

Best to just get the stuff gone and move on. Worst thing would be to turn it into a power game and prolong the agony.