Spent the day in a police cell, AIBU?

[VerySadVerySadAndAngry]

I have name changed for obvious reasons. But I post regularly here and would really appreciate some advice and support.

Yesterday was spent in a filthy dirty police cell, in custody. I have never in my life broken the law and I was scared. I was arrested and taken in because my father who has dementia and weird obsessional thoughts decided I had stolen all of his food.

Its been getting worse for months. He is aggressive and threatening, to the point he was trying to poke me with a garden fork. I'm actually quite scared at times because he tries to hit me, my husband, other people. I have been trying for over a year to get him into a home. Social workers will not listen. He has made allegations about his care staff, pub landlord, people in the pub, his friends, and his neighbours. he says he has people in his house, he sees things and talks to himself. He isn't washing or dressing appropriately, and he drinks for breakfast.

I am driven nuts with several calls a day. He bangs on the door and kicks my door up to 20 times a day. he stands by my car or in the garden so i can't get in or out of my house. He has been ringing the police every day for over a week. They arrive and he has gone out. He calls 999 and told them he is breathless so they blue light an ambulance, he is out.

But this is the final straw. I have written to his social worker, his GP, his solicitor and all of the neighbours. I have told the solicitor that any money left to me must be paid to charity. I hate this man. I can't bear to be anywhere near him. I have told social worker that I don't want to know where they place him if he comes out of hospital again, and I don't want to be informed if anything happens. Maybe he will get Covid-19? he certainly isn't social distancing, all of his wandering banging on doors and trips to A & E mean he more than likely is a candidate. I just can't cope anymore.

The police found my innocent and they have offered me support. So, why are the police now so supportive? well they have had so many dealings with my DF and his stolen stuff over the last year that they have written to SW x 3 making recommendations and they assured me this will never happen again. But I am still afraid. I went outside to look at the house to check to see if he had been discharged and nearly collapsed when I thought I heard a sound.

Am I cruel for not caring about him anymore? I feel so guilty and feel like I should care, but I'm just so frightened and I feel angry that he is doing this to me and my family.

Bloody hell Op this is terrible. I can't believe that none of these agencies are helping you? It sounds dreadful I've never experienced nothing like this so I'm useless to help you. But I really hope someone comes along and can help you with this it sounds like a nightmare.

Sounds awful to deal with but it isnt him. It is the dementia. Do you live next door?

he is too much for you to care about. you cant do it on your own.
you did your best. what can you do else?

I wonder if him getting sectioned would help but how would you even go about that and then he would be worse as he doesn't understand. Is there any charity's that have advice maybe I don't know like Age concern or a dementia one? Someone has to be able to help surely to god.

gingerbreadslice, thank you, yes it feels like a nightmare. Its been going on now for 3 years. He actually started to forget things over 20 years ago, but its only the last 3 years that have been this bad. Now its ramped up a notch in the last couple of weeks.

CalleighDoodle, I live next door. It is him, its him without the awareness or conscious decision to be nice anymore. This is him. He hurt my DM and hurt me. He is not a nice person. I hate him, I just feel guilty because surely everyone deserves to have someone care for them? at least one person who looks out for them? I've tried but I can't do this anymore.

gingerbreadslic I can't, Social workers won't listen at all. They tell me everytime "We are updating his file" they don't actually do anything. I have sent so many emails to this last one, and the GP, and a church minister, even the MP, and still nothing.

I’m so sorry, OP. I can completely believe that you’re getting no help and support. Social services destroyed me with their lack of support and help.

I am very glad to hear that the police are being supportive. Unfortunately in my experience things have to get to absolute crisis point until people step in and at that point orgs like social services will point the finger of blame to cover their own arses.

Do everything you possibly can to protect yourself and your family. That includes letting your father completely go if that is what needs to happen.

I really hope that you get the support you need and that he gets the help he needs. He sounds like a danger to himself and others and the services have failed here. I'm so sorry.

LaLaLandIsNoFun I am sorry you have been through this as well. What happened in the end if you don't mind me asking?

I am so angry at SW, I used to work for them. I am horrified because 20 years ago this would never have happened.

I am so angry, well, and I keep crying. I don't know how to get help for him if I can't make SW listen. And now I have basically just disowned him, because I don't know what else I can do. But I don't love him, I just feel obligated and guilty now. Obligated to get help for him, guilty because I just bloody hate him. Its like nearly 50 years of his drama, and it feels like its just the latest in a long line of dramas. He outlived my DM because he gave her hell. She was 12 years younger than him.
The thing is, this could go on, he's like a tank physically. Hes so healthy in every other respect.

@VerySadVerySadAndAngry It's so bad I know things are stretched like social care and stuff but come on what are they waiting for? You must be terrified I wonder if he's got a urine infection also as I know my Nans friend when she had one on top of dementia for some reason it turned her absolutely mad for a whilst until they treated it.
I really hope someone can help you it's such a shame and 20 years is a hell of a long time for all this to still be happening. Would maybe you finding a solicitor that deals in family law be able to help get him into some sort of home or is that no good? There's an answer somewhere and hopefully we can help you find it. Feel so sorry for you .

I know this is ridiculously hard. You need to push social services to house him, he is a danger to himself and to there, he should not be home alone. How the hell did you end up in custody all day??

OP, my mum had dementia. She was very aggressive and difficult for the last two years of her life.

I was having problems getting social services to do anything constructive and in the end I made her a GP appointment, but called the GP ahead and told her I'd like to speak to her in private as well. (My mum was good at giving the initial appearance of being fine). I told the GP that the calls all through the night, the aggression, the lies and the accusations were too much and I needed help. She was brilliant: she asked my mum the sorts of questions that she knew she'd trip up on - and then when I intervened to help my mum answer, she saw my mum become aggressive towards me. This allowed her to contact her mental health team and trigger an urgent review and she was put into respite care to be assessed. Whilst there, she displayed bad enough behaviour to be deemed in need of constant support from the mental health team. This led to a change in her medication that calmed her significantly, 3 home visits for SW a day once she went home and a much MUCH better life for everyone.

Obviously things deteriorated as her capacity got worse - but this was a significant improvement.

Speak to GP
Push the mental health team.

I wish you all the luck in the world

This sounds like my nan, it turned out to be dementia and after being sectioned she went into a care home.

I had an elderly neighbour who developed dementia. His daughters weren't interested and with the exception of one, hadn't had anything to do with him in the years I had lived next door. His behaviour got increasing dangerous to himself and to us. Like you I put all my concerns in writing to his GP, SC and anyone who'd listen. Like your father, my neighbour regularly phoned the police,. making allegations of thefts. In the end I wrote to them all telling them, I couldn't and wouldn't take responsibility for him, and I listed all my concerns and said that I would hold them responsible if he endangered my family. That sprung them into action and he was moved into a care home.

Tell them without leaving any doubt that you will no longer take any responsibility for him. He clearly needs help

You said in your original post that you went to check to see if he had been discharged -- is he in hospital?
If he is could you go and speak to the discharge nurse there and tell her he is a danger to himself and others, lacks capacity and cannot be discharged back to his home.
When they see he lives next door to you they will think you can care for him, make it clear to them that You cannot because he is dangerous and threatening. If he has ever hurt you, tell them.
Sadly it seems dementia can exacerbate the unpleasant characteristics of a person as it removes normal behavioural constraints. My late DM became a very unpleasant person at times and actually fought with her carers and medical staff.

No, you are not cruel. Not at all.

Sorry op but how is it that you were arrested and in custody last night but your father is kicking in your door yet the police and ambulance have been blue lighted several time's! That doesn't make sense. Is he your neighbour? I'm struggling to make sense of your post a bit.

Times. Not time's

Candy she's said in a subsequent post that she lives next door. And I think the long list of behaviors is over time, not since she's been released.

I would call the police every single time he harasses you. If they have to keep coming out to him they will get sick of it and something will get done. You have to push and push and push. You shouldn’t have to but that’s the state of services today.

gingerbreadslice My DF has a solicitor who has POA, he is the LPA for welfare and finances. The SW told me that they didn't know this. I had told them over two years ago.

Cherrysoup they arrested me and then searched my house. My two boys had to get up so the police could look for stolen food. They seached the entire house and pulled everything out of every cupboard and drawer. I was already in custody when they started this. They arrested me and questioned me under caution. They have assured me this will never happen again. They have a file on DF and all the previous calls and contact with him. I have no idea why they decided to arrest me this time and can give me assurances it will never happen again. Its odd.

SlightyJaded I'm glad you were able to get your DM help. Its awful when they become so aggressive. Unfortunately my DF's GP is also my GP, and he is like a wet blanket. Such a nice man, but a wet blanket. The only thing to have come out of my arrest that might help my DF is the fact that the police made a mental health referral for me because they were worried I am traumatised and depressed from dealing with my DF.

MorganKitten Some of these homes are not very nice places, but these places are still safer. And 3 meals a day, and the heating is there and there is the protection. I just never wanted DF to get this far and end up in a home, now I can't stand the sight of him and just want him gone, anywhere where he isn't near me or my family now. I hope your'e Nan is doing ok?

forumdonkey That sound horrendous for you and your family, with the added problem of him not being a relative. So, totally not your responsibility. I'm glad you could get him help and restore peace for yourself. My DF has 6 other children, not one of them want to know him. I've just been naive and I moved here to look after my DM. I should never have stayed here really, but then I wouldn't wish my DF and his behaviour on anyone else.

I don't think I can forgive him. The police cell was grim. I couldn't wee without being filmed. I couldn't wash my hands. None of the police are social distancing, even with me they wouldn't give me personal space, and I am tiny, I'm not super fit, I am not a hardened criminal. I cried so much my face is still aching.

One of the officers is going to come out and see my this week because of something I said about my DF which they are taking seriously, and it is perhaps the only good thing to come out of it, because now I think it will be taken seriously that I can't care for DF and have very real reasons why I can't.

OP this is awful!
I just feel guilty because surely everyone deserves to have someone care for them? at least one person who looks out for them? I've tried but I can't do this anymore.
You have tried. You have done more than many would. You need to take a step back now and force adult services to step in. Do not feel guilty about this. You should never have found yourself so unsupported.

My grandfather was vile in the last years of his life. All the pent up bitterness and rage came out with no filter. He tried to put cigarettes out on my dad and was even more of a vindictive bully than before. My parents both said that if they ever became so aggressive that we were to leave them with the professionals and stop visiting. Nobody wants to remember a loved one that way, and we were certainly no comfort to him. He seemed to hate us.

CandyLeBonBon sorry. In the space of a week he rang the police every day for various things including thefts, burglaries, and to tell them he was breathless. On two occasions they came out. One occasion they asked if I could check to see if there was a burglar, this is when he tried to stick a garden fork in me. When he said he was breathless they blue lighted an ambulance and when they got here he had gone out. Then he collapsed in a park and got brought home. A few hours later he pushed the care button. After that a carer went in and decided to ring an ambulance because she found him really confused. He went to A and E. At some point in A and E he must have been saying I stole his food. So the next morning I was arrested.

Right up until his last admission to A and E was knocking the door up to 20 times a day. As far as I am aware he is still in A and E. I told the Social worker I don't want to know what they do with him. I don't know what else to say to get them to take any responsibility.

I can't believe the police arrested you!

I made sure I put in writing I would not take responsibility for him, I outlined all his dangerous behaviour and I would hold them responsible if something happened. It was amazing how quickly they moved then.

Ok so how did YOU end up arrested? If they're aware of his history I find it very surprising that you'd be held in custody? On what grounds?