Spent the day in a police cell, AIBU?

[VerySadVerySadAndAngry]

I have name changed for obvious reasons. But I post regularly here and would really appreciate some advice and support.

Yesterday was spent in a filthy dirty police cell, in custody. I have never in my life broken the law and I was scared. I was arrested and taken in because my father who has dementia and weird obsessional thoughts decided I had stolen all of his food.

Its been getting worse for months. He is aggressive and threatening, to the point he was trying to poke me with a garden fork. I'm actually quite scared at times because he tries to hit me, my husband, other people. I have been trying for over a year to get him into a home. Social workers will not listen. He has made allegations about his care staff, pub landlord, people in the pub, his friends, and his neighbours. he says he has people in his house, he sees things and talks to himself. He isn't washing or dressing appropriately, and he drinks for breakfast.

I am driven nuts with several calls a day. He bangs on the door and kicks my door up to 20 times a day. he stands by my car or in the garden so i can't get in or out of my house. He has been ringing the police every day for over a week. They arrive and he has gone out. He calls 999 and told them he is breathless so they blue light an ambulance, he is out.

But this is the final straw. I have written to his social worker, his GP, his solicitor and all of the neighbours. I have told the solicitor that any money left to me must be paid to charity. I hate this man. I can't bear to be anywhere near him. I have told social worker that I don't want to know where they place him if he comes out of hospital again, and I don't want to be informed if anything happens. Maybe he will get Covid-19? he certainly isn't social distancing, all of his wandering banging on doors and trips to A & E mean he more than likely is a candidate. I just can't cope anymore.

The police found my innocent and they have offered me support. So, why are the police now so supportive? well they have had so many dealings with my DF and his stolen stuff over the last year that they have written to SW x 3 making recommendations and they assured me this will never happen again. But I am still afraid. I went outside to look at the house to check to see if he had been discharged and nearly collapsed when I thought I heard a sound.

Am I cruel for not caring about him anymore? I feel so guilty and feel like I should care, but I'm just so frightened and I feel angry that he is doing this to me and my family.

perniciousdot, re: your query this morning.

In her explanation of what happened (posted Wed 15-Apr-20 02:16:01) OP said: 'At one point a mental health person came and got me [from the cell] and I talked to her for an hour'.

And for you, OP, for the unutterably tough time you're having with your father, social services and the rest. I do hope the advice some posters have given helps you to resolve this.

I was asking why? I thought that might help shed a bit of light on things really.

What were the police going to do if they found any food which matched the description of stolen food? For examp,e your dad says you’ve stolen a bag of rice, 2 pot noodles and a mars bar......and then they found that.

How could they possibly prove that it wasn’t your food? I don’t keep supermarket receipts.

I tried (telling them I wouldn't be the carer) after one hospital stay, they put her in a taxi on a winter evening to go back to an empty house. They phoned to warn me she was on her way

Again, I'm really sorry they took this stupid risk, but that's the point at which I'd have locked the doors and called the police to report an out of control, vulnerable gentleman on the loose

If they can come out to search OP's home for "stolen food" they can certainly come out for that, but as said it's not really complaints about the police I'd be focusing on right now - it's her own safety and security

I was asking why? I thought that might help shed a bit of light on things really.
What I suspect the mental health person was is what they call an 'appropriate adult'. It's when a prisoner is suspected to be particularly vulnerable (they come from different walks of life, and this one may just have happened to be a mental health practitioner).
They can be called when a prisoner is particularly distressed. Their role is to ensure that your rights are being upheld - so they're there both for the benefit of the prisoner and to protect the police from accusations of unfair treatment for e.g.
It sounds like the OP was particularly distressed as a result of being arrested, so I think it would be fairly normal for an appropriate adult to be called.

Again, I'm really sorry they took this stupid risk, but that's the point at which I'd have locked the doors and called the police to report an out of control, vulnerable gentleman on the loose That sounds really sensible but unfortunately she was 10 minutes away and I was a 3 hr drive away. Didn't bother them in the slightest. The police were fed up coming out to her, when she went missing one winter night they didn't have enough resources to look for her. Fortunately a friend found her, she could have been dead by the time I got there.

I made a safeguarding alert saying she had been discharged in a way that endangered her life. They cleared the hospital.

Truly unless you live with this you just don't understand. I have heard some areas are better but if you are in an area where they won't help you are totally unable to get anything done. I told them if anything happened e.g. she caused a traffic accident and people died I would go to the papers about the lack of care and the response I got was, "Ok then."

OP I feel so sorry for you, I hope you get some help as it truly is a nightmare.

JudyCoolibar thanks, & I agree I should probably have made a complaint, but honestly given the annus horibilis I was having at that point, it just felt like 'oh god what next' - it was a few years ago, I now live abroad, & it's my Dickhead Ex Top Trump Story for dinner parties.

WRT the mental health person, I was offered this too - a nice lady came to ask if I had any MH issues, addictions etc they needed to know about.

I didn't, & was sitting quietly on the bunk in my cell, being a model detainee & reading a paperback I'd begged them to let me bring, so no reason for them to assume I was particularly distressed rather than righteously bloody pissed off but keeping my powder dry.

So I don't think it's unusual.

Mental health liaison. Usually an RMN. Not the same as the appropriate adult role.

PurpleCrowbarWhereIsLangCleg Sorry you went through something similar, your Ex sounds like a loon. Like you I had a book with me which I asked if I could take in the cell. The "appropriate adult" person said she was there to talk about my mental health and well-being. She didn't give her job title, if she did i was too upset and shocked to hear. I didn't ask.

TitianaTitsling I didn't threaten or intend to ligature with my bootlaces.

I just find it odd that they thought I was vulnerable (I'm not particularly) I was distraught, yes, I was sobbing at one point, so they send someone to talk about my mental health then send me back to the cell with my boots on. If I was very vulnerable and apt to ligature I would be even more so having raked over stuff with the "Appropriate adult" That was the point i was making to the custody Sgt. This didn't effect me, I am not going to ligature on my bootlaces, but it would effect her if in similar circs they made the same mistake again with someone very vulnerable!

1forsorrow The total lack of care and accountability is shocking isn't it. I have experienced similar with the hospital, they just put my dad in a taxi. I have even thought I would hide his keys, but then I guess what can the taxi driver do, my DF would just point at my house and tell them he would come in here. I too made a safeguarding alert after he fell over at night in the street. What happened is that he fell, got home somehow, carers went in the following day, later that day he knocked on my door covered in blood, eye black and cuts to his hands. I took him back to his house, cleaned him up. There was blood everywhere round the house. The carers had written "All is ok" I raised a safeguarding in respect of care agency and social services. He had not taken his medication for two days, and when I looked round the house I found pills everywhere.

Balmytissues I was at first indignant when they told me I was going to the station for questioning. I wasn't dressed. They wouldn't let me move to go and get dressed either. At the station I was calm, I just stood in front of the desk with tears rolling down my face. Shock I guess. I also felt weak and dizzy (shock maybe) but then I hadn't eaten or had much to drink either. I cried. The appropriate person just said "how long have you been depressed"

It was only after they put me back in the cell that I started really sobbing and kicked the door (I had my boots back on) and I did so because I couldn't wash my hands. It was filthy in there.

VivaLeBeaver very good question. A couple of days before my father was at the door, I didn't open it. I looked out and he had a bottle of robinsons squash with him. He then went to the other neighbours with it. He has a habit of taking stuff he finds (he doesn't know what is what) says "What is this, this isn't mine, do you want it" or "I don't like this, give it to the boys" (2 DS). I never take anything, I send him back to his house. Thank fuck I didn't just open the door and take the juice to stop him keep banging the door!

1forsorrow I have just read about the psychiatrist incident, yyyy to this 100% my father seems to be able to pull the wool over their eyes very well, or at least has been up to recently. And yet he's been seeing bugs the size of mice under his skin and spraying himself with flea killer for 3 years! He seems to know not to start up with this delusional stuff when he is questioned in a formal setting. He seems somehow to know not to. I think some of the carers are taken in too, because he can be very charming (always has been) and he is apparently almost totally blind and very deaf. I say apparently because he can hear and see my car outside, he can hear my front door open, he can see me when he wants to try and take a swing at me. Initially years ago he tried to hide the memory problem by making out he couldn't hear you.

So far, so good, he hasn't come home. I have let other family know that I will not be able to keep them updated. Thankfully everyone has been really understanding. My cousin was lovely, her DM had dementia so she knows how difficult it is. I don't know who I feel angry with the most Social worker or the police. I do though feel very let down. I raised a safeguarding (work) for an assault and both agencies handled it all very badly. I don't feel I have any faith left in me. I have given up work now too and just want to take some time out to get moved house and then find a job that isn't in the care sector. Years of looking after other people, paid and unpaid and when I need support it isn't there!

I am meant to be moving house in the first week of May, it won't happen, but it will as soon as we get out of lockdown.

Thank you so much everyone who has been understanding. I still feel guilty at abandoning DF, but I feel happier today, happier than I have felt in about 2 years :)

VerySad you really have to live this don't you. I think people just don't know how bad social care is. I honestly don't know what you can do until he gets to the stage of going into a home but I know social services will just put it off until it is an emergency. We weren't even looking for financial help, she could pay for care but I couldn't get her in a home. I wish I had £1 or every time I was told to "put her in a home" as if you can kidnap an adult and put them in a home where they don't want to be, well that is what I did but she was so bad by then that the home could see we would get a deprivation of liberties.

For people suggesting he will get sectioned, oh dear oh dear if they do that they become responsible for providing the care i.e. he doesn't have to pay so there is no chance of that. Deprivation of liberties does the same thing effectively but the NHS doesn't have to pick up the tab, either he does or social services does, hence social services don't want to do it as they don't have the money.

I expect it is worse for you because of your work experience. You are being expected to “handle it” and tough it out until he dies.

VerySad no worries, it was a horrible, surreal experience but has now faded into an anecdote, pretty much - not saying that to dismiss your experience in the slightest, but I mostly posted because I was taken aback at posters suggesting that your OP was unlikely - yes, this sort of thing CAN happen.

I remember afterwards having a few 'wtf?!' conversations with friends who found it hard to get their heads around the fact that yes, you can be a perfectly ordinary 40something professional, pootling around your house in your PJs with your kids one Saturday morning, making pancakes, & discussing which of their mates might like to go to the park, & suddenly there's a knock on the door, & two burly policemen are there to arrest you because someone has made up an absolute falsehood about you.

I say it's 'faded' - it has for me, it was an entirely ludicrous thing to happen - but my dc haven't forgotten (& obviously it's somewhat coloured their subsequent relationship with their dad, the great ridiculous fuckwit...).

So be aware that your dc might need some help processing any of it that they witnessed? Horrible situation & I hope you get it sorted.

He seems to know not to start up with this delusional stuff when he is questioned in a formal setting. He seems somehow to know not to.

You might just find this changes now he's in hospital, because it is likely to be impossible for him to hide it over a long period. I had a similar problem with my father with dementia, because he was really clinically depressed but whenever a doctor saw him he would smile brightly and say he was absolutely fine. After he'd spent two weeks in hospital telling everyone how much he wanted to die, they finally took his depression seriously.

@1forsorrow whilst I completely agree with you that SS are shite and I can completely believe people’s accounts of being completely jet dish, I can assure you that sectioning a person has absolutely nothing what do ever to do with what decisions may be made further down the line wrt putting in a home/care facility. AMHPs make decisions solely on what is in front of them at the time taking into account the patient’s history and what the nearest relative has to say (though an AMHP can displace that nearest relative if needed).

LaLaLandIsNoFun "jet dish"?

WTF were the police playing at when they know this about him?

That's not true candy, they can pretty much arrest you for anything, but have to release you after a certain amount of time if they havnt charged you (24 hours in the cells I think)

As a few others have said, & from my dealings with somebody who took responsibility for a neighbour in a similar situation, if you don't renounce all responsibility the authorities will fob them off on you and generally piss about.

Could you try contacting your MP? I'm horrified that medical professionals & social services are not taking this more seriously

whilst I completely agree with you that SS are shite and I can completely believe people’s accounts of being completely jet dish, I can assure you that sectioning a person has absolutely nothing what do ever to do with what decisions may be made further down the line wrt putting in a home/care facility. AMHPs make decisions solely on what is in front of them at the time taking into account the patient’s history and what the nearest relative has to say (though an AMHP can displace that nearest relative if needed).

Well you can believe what you choose, my experience is that someone who believes that little men are living in their loft, who in their 80s is trying to seduce male neighbours, who is running into the middle of a busy road to announce their pregnancy and so many more things I can't be bothered to list is not fit to be left living alone as they are a danger to themselves and others. The response from the psych service for the elderly was basically that it wasn't there problem and I should put her in a home. Now if she was 30 would that be the response? I've worked in adult mental health and I know people in their 20s and 30s who have been sectioned for less.