Spent the day in a police cell, AIBU?

[VerySadVerySadAndAngry]

I have name changed for obvious reasons. But I post regularly here and would really appreciate some advice and support.

Yesterday was spent in a filthy dirty police cell, in custody. I have never in my life broken the law and I was scared. I was arrested and taken in because my father who has dementia and weird obsessional thoughts decided I had stolen all of his food.

Its been getting worse for months. He is aggressive and threatening, to the point he was trying to poke me with a garden fork. I'm actually quite scared at times because he tries to hit me, my husband, other people. I have been trying for over a year to get him into a home. Social workers will not listen. He has made allegations about his care staff, pub landlord, people in the pub, his friends, and his neighbours. he says he has people in his house, he sees things and talks to himself. He isn't washing or dressing appropriately, and he drinks for breakfast.

I am driven nuts with several calls a day. He bangs on the door and kicks my door up to 20 times a day. he stands by my car or in the garden so i can't get in or out of my house. He has been ringing the police every day for over a week. They arrive and he has gone out. He calls 999 and told them he is breathless so they blue light an ambulance, he is out.

But this is the final straw. I have written to his social worker, his GP, his solicitor and all of the neighbours. I have told the solicitor that any money left to me must be paid to charity. I hate this man. I can't bear to be anywhere near him. I have told social worker that I don't want to know where they place him if he comes out of hospital again, and I don't want to be informed if anything happens. Maybe he will get Covid-19? he certainly isn't social distancing, all of his wandering banging on doors and trips to A & E mean he more than likely is a candidate. I just can't cope anymore.

The police found my innocent and they have offered me support. So, why are the police now so supportive? well they have had so many dealings with my DF and his stolen stuff over the last year that they have written to SW x 3 making recommendations and they assured me this will never happen again. But I am still afraid. I went outside to look at the house to check to see if he had been discharged and nearly collapsed when I thought I heard a sound.

Am I cruel for not caring about him anymore? I feel so guilty and feel like I should care, but I'm just so frightened and I feel angry that he is doing this to me and my family.

This is one of the most shocking things I have ever read on here. What happened to you is appalling, OP. I'm so sorry you've gone through this ordeal.

@VerySadVerySadAndAngry It was children’s services. Long story short I’ve not seen nor spoken to my child in sober 2 years: I’ve recently had a full formal apology and compensation for the deliberate lies and covering up.

Have you requested a mental health act assessment?

@VerySadVerySadAndAngry I am so sorry to read your posts. This is just straightforwardly far too much for you & affects your mental health & wellbeing.

Sometimes the ones we care for are not always the loved ones, the relationship sometimes hinges on a mix of proximity, duty & obligations.

I think @SlightyJaded has the right approach. As your father’s Carer & child, it is reasonable for you to approach his GP to discuss his deteriorating condition & increasingly irrational delusional behaviours. As most GP appts at the moment by phone, you need to push on - not that I imagine that you will hesitate- as we are in exceptional times & he needs to be assessed by a specialist MH team as a priority.

But you need to speak to your GP about your health first & foremost.

As you live next door, are you with the same GP practice? I ask because you need prioritised support - this burden is too much. How absurd that you are detained by the police, & the random loss of your liberty is a very stressful life event. Do not sugar coat anything with the GP.

Put yourself first.

I found the carers group at my local Alzheimer’s Society day centre very supportive. So apart from getting your father to be seen by the right people, the GP may refer you to a local carers centre, please take up this offer as you may find some solidarity with other carers who recognise the situation that you are in & this will help you get through it all. Also this may be the gateway to a Carers Assessment by the local authority (yes, SWs again, but you do have the right to a CA).

Also, I would not accept being fobbed off by SWs etc, this is why the GP approach may be more relevant as it bypasses the social carepathway for now & gets your father the medical attention he needs.

Carers UK is a good source of advice & information, with a blisteringly good online forum.

I wish you the very best.

@VerySadVerySadAndAngry my post has crossed with your update. Is there another GP at the practice?

I'm so sorry you're in this dreadful situation. A friend with a violent family member is in a similar position with SW. The GP does sound like the best bet.

It's understandable that you feel hate for your father, if his behaviour long predates the dementia. And behind the guilt is probably a whole host of other feelings, such as grief, anger, regret. Can you reassure yourself that it's ok to have these feelings? You're not a bad person for having this response.
And while dementia may have let your father off the hook, even if he were well it would still be ok to want nothing to do with him if he was abusive towards you. Sad, but ok, and often necessary.

If you can release these feelings you will probably find yourself in a better position to be heard by professionals. I can say from experience that the most effective approach is to be as calm and factual as possible. (You'd think they'd take one look at us and say 'blimey, you need help' but not so!) And to know that you both deserve their help and are entitled to it.
I wish you well with this:

CandyLeBonBon I don't know either. I was shocked and indignant. I would like to know who made the decision. I could understand them coming to my home and asking questions. This isn't the first time DF has made false allegations. They are aware of this.

Approximately 3 years ago he lost his wallet on a bus. He rang the police and gave them an elaborate story about being mugged. At the station, well of course they have CCTV, he wasn't mugged. He has told men in the pub that he is having affairs with their wives and tried to start fights. He has lost his wallet something like 15 times and reported it stolen. He has rung the police to say people are in his loft having parties, drinking his wine. He tells me the cleaner has stolen all his washing, the care people have taken his food, I have taken all his money from the bank (I can't, he has an LPA who deals with everything financial now) He gave thousands to charities and then said he was being fraudulently ripped off.......I could write a book.

Oh, and he is pissing on the floor in the kitchen. Doesn't take his medication and has set fires twice. I could write a book, might be a bit boring, I used to laugh but I just can't anymore, I am just exhausted and scared.

Ok. Tje pice just can't attest you for no good reason. They would have to give you a reason, backed up with qualified evidence (not just the word of a man known to have dementia) and you would have been charged with a crime. Or you would have been invited to attend an interview which would not have resulted in you being kept in a cell. At no stage would you be unAware if the reason you were arrested.

Apologies for typos.

If I have understood you correctly, his solicitor has POA - not you or any of his other children - & LPA for welfare & finances.

If this is so, then now is the time to formally tell them (letter by Royal Mail signed for delivery ) that your father’s capacity is deteriorating- list recent behaviours- & give the details of the GP & the police case reference number. Your father made the LPA decisions when he was rational & fully capable, anticipating that he may someday loose capacity- that time is either very close or already here.

So were invited to attend an interview or were you arrested? Because what you've said doesn't make sense

Bloody hell. No advice just really sorry and genuinely thinking of you 🌟🙂 🌷

Doesn't take his medication and has set fires twice

My neighbour was a fire hazzard, although he didn't deliberately set them and that is one of the things that I outlined as a danger to me and my family.

Your father is not only a danger to himself but you and other neighbours

I posted without seeing second page and the more horrendous details: You have coped incredibly well but sounds like you've taken on the coping role for the family so no wonder you have a strong sense of ought to:
Thank god you are now drawing the line: Sometimes things have to get THAT bad before we put our own needs first and set boundaries: You are a brave spirit: Love that you could laugh at some of the antics but it isn't funny and you DO deserve to feel and be safe:

I was arrested, I was in my night dress in the kitchen. Three police. They wouldn't even allow me to get dressed in private, one of them stood in the bedroom door. I was told I was under arrest because my father had accused me of stealing from his home. No one told me what these things were that I had stolen. I was given 5 minutes to brush my teeth and put clothes on.
At first I refused to go. My DH talked me into going calmly. I was crying hysterically. They said they would take me anyway if I refused.

Two police took me to the main police station. I was searched, they took my property. I was put in a cell.

I am crying now, I have never felt so scared and just bloody lost. I cried so much.

The female custody sergeant who took my bag and my details went off at one point to talk to someone. She was confused, she said that I wasn't their usual sort of visitor.

They left my in the cell for what seemed like hours. At one point a mental health person came and got me and I talked to her for a n hour. When I got sent back to the cell they didn't notice I was wearing my boots. I couldn't wash my hands, so I called the intercom. They refused to accept the water thing didn't work. First they knew I had boots on was when I started to kick the door. The same female officer came in and told me to take my boots off. I refused and pointed out to her just how bad it would look if an innocent 47 year old mother was found having ligatured in their custody with her bootlaces after being terrorised by her father for 2 years plus. She let me keep my boots on and it was probably only a half an hour when they got me out for questioning.

The whole thing is crazy. They know my father. He went to A & E with a suspected UTI so he was very confused.

Here’s a link explaining the law around requesting MHA assessments (Im assuming you would be the nearest relative). themaskedamhp.blogspot.com/2015/11/sec-134-right-of-nearest-relative-to.html?m=1

Ok

UniversalAunt yes, I gave them a list of his recent behaviours approximately 8 weeks ago when things started to get really crazy. At that time he was pouring out glasses of brandy for imaginary people, gouging the skin off himself and spraying his skin with flea spray. Amongst other stuff. The solicitor moved practice, so my contact with the original solicitor has to pass my emails to his LPA.

LaLaLandIsNoFun thank you.

Thank you everyone, I just feel so guilty at not caring anymore. I just hate him now. I never like him that much in the first place, but he doesn't have anyone else anymore. I feel sad that the last thing I will probably remember him for is the fact that he got me put in a filthy squalid police cell.

No excuses, but I imagine the local police service is understaffed - more than ever - & close to burning out. Sounds like their communication & logical processing was a bit fried.

That said, it is a wholly unacceptable series of events & the impact on you is considerable. I suggest that you write up some notes of what happened so that you have your own record of events. This is to clear your mind for now & as a method of distancing yourself from this horrible mess.

The police are demented--searching your house for missing food? Like maybe you were hiding a Snickers bar under the bed? WTF? And putting you in a jail cell during the COVID epidemic???

I'm sorry this happened to you. This happened to me in 2005 as well. Basically the attending officers had no knowledge of my mother or her behaviour and believed her because she was a woman in a wheelchair. I got arrested, but when I got to the police station, the desk sergeant recognized the address as the woman who kept phoning them saying someone had killed her rabbits.
I still had to spend overnight in the cells because I was 18 and had nowhere else to go. I'd sacrificed my education to care for her for years and that's how she thanked me. They let me out in the morning, dropped all charges (I'd been arrested for assault when she had physically attacked me but she knew how to leave no marks so they didn't believe me at first), and the sergeant told me not to go back.
At the time I thought my life was over and I was scared shitless but it was the first day of the rest of my life. She kept ringing me at work and at college which was really stressful because she called reception to make as many accusations about me as possible each time. I kept worrying about who would look after her without me there and you know what? She was just fine. They got all the carers etc in after that. Sometimes social services need a hard push to do anything useful.
Difference was, she didn't have dementia, she had some sort of mental health problem with paranoid delusions, and she was petrified of psychiatrists so acted painstakingly normal in front of any doctors she ever came across.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, this is the first day of freedom. Breathe it in. He is not your responsibility now. You have done your best. Your life is yours (again?) now.

I can't believe the police arrested you!

I can't believe this either, especially after all that he has done in the past. I really hope they take this further.

I also can't believe that Social Services won't do anything about it, that is just shocking. I would make an appointment with his GP and lay it all out for them - and I would also be stating that I was not going to be responsible for him if something isn't done.

He cannot continue to act the way he is doing, it isn't good for him, and it certainly isn't good for you. Hugs.

@VerySadVerySadAndAngry throughout my many years as a Carer, I met many carers who did not love or like the person they cared for, but it was a sense of familial obligation, duty, guilt or whatever that kept them in a dynamic where they were unhappy before the hard work that can be caring had even begun. So you are not alone, at all.

You are right to let social services know you are not helping anymore.

It is possible if he gets appropriate care, you may be able to have some relationship with him. The kind where you bring him a favorite treat at his care home and deliver it surrounded by staff (aka witnesses). Once he is no longer dependent on you, it may ease some of the tension and it most definitely will protect you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, it sounds horrendous.

He is clearly a hazard to himself and others. Now you have withdrawn any form of care then something will have to be done as he cant be signed off as having home support.

You have done enough. The ringing the ambulance was a good move by him. Let the hospital sort out his care plans and when they contact you make it very clear you are no longer a support to him.

And don't feel bad for a second longer x

If you're in a position to do so, I think you should look into engaging the services of the nastiest bastard of a lawyer you can find. Two reasons:

1. Social services need to be told that your father is now their responsibility, and that you will be taking action if he endangers you or your family. This letter might be taken more seriously if it comes from a lawyer's office.

1. From what you've said, the police did not follow the proper process with you. Nasty Bastard Lawyer can advise you if there's anything to be done about that, or about ensuring they don't do it again (I wouldn't trust the police's assurances regarding this). You should also, if you can, get some documentation from your GP about the effect of this experience on your mental health.

I'm so sorry, OP, but if the necessary agencies won't help you, then you should feel zero guilt about landing the problem in their lap. They've had ample opportunity to do the right thing.

Oh, and you are not a bad person for no longer caring about your father, in the circumstances. Not at all.