Spent the day in a police cell, AIBU?

[VerySadVerySadAndAngry]

I have name changed for obvious reasons. But I post regularly here and would really appreciate some advice and support.

Yesterday was spent in a filthy dirty police cell, in custody. I have never in my life broken the law and I was scared. I was arrested and taken in because my father who has dementia and weird obsessional thoughts decided I had stolen all of his food.

Its been getting worse for months. He is aggressive and threatening, to the point he was trying to poke me with a garden fork. I'm actually quite scared at times because he tries to hit me, my husband, other people. I have been trying for over a year to get him into a home. Social workers will not listen. He has made allegations about his care staff, pub landlord, people in the pub, his friends, and his neighbours. he says he has people in his house, he sees things and talks to himself. He isn't washing or dressing appropriately, and he drinks for breakfast.

I am driven nuts with several calls a day. He bangs on the door and kicks my door up to 20 times a day. he stands by my car or in the garden so i can't get in or out of my house. He has been ringing the police every day for over a week. They arrive and he has gone out. He calls 999 and told them he is breathless so they blue light an ambulance, he is out.

But this is the final straw. I have written to his social worker, his GP, his solicitor and all of the neighbours. I have told the solicitor that any money left to me must be paid to charity. I hate this man. I can't bear to be anywhere near him. I have told social worker that I don't want to know where they place him if he comes out of hospital again, and I don't want to be informed if anything happens. Maybe he will get Covid-19? he certainly isn't social distancing, all of his wandering banging on doors and trips to A & E mean he more than likely is a candidate. I just can't cope anymore.

The police found my innocent and they have offered me support. So, why are the police now so supportive? well they have had so many dealings with my DF and his stolen stuff over the last year that they have written to SW x 3 making recommendations and they assured me this will never happen again. But I am still afraid. I went outside to look at the house to check to see if he had been discharged and nearly collapsed when I thought I heard a sound.

Am I cruel for not caring about him anymore? I feel so guilty and feel like I should care, but I'm just so frightened and I feel angry that he is doing this to me and my family.

Oh my, you really have been through hell. I cannot understand why the police arrested you. That was incredibly cruel. I think you’re doing the right thing for you and your dad walking away. Now this has happened, they will have to act. Your Gp sounds like an idiot. Perhaps you could write to the practice manager and explain the incompetence so that your dad will be seen bya different Gp.

I'm also surprised that they actually arrested you without question, but I would guess that is because the call came through from the hospital rather than your father directly. Probably a more "official" protocol that has to be followed. BUT it does sound like they turned into total "jobsworths" and didn't pay attention to the history of your father's litany of complaints and malicious reports.

I'm so sorry you had this experience and I really think you should put in a complaint about it.

I also hope that you can get him away and into care somewhere! I suppose there is no chance that you could look to move away from living next door to him? But in the meantime yes, you must refuse to take any responsibility for him at all (I know you know this) so the authorities are aware that he has no familial care at home.

Dreadful situation, so sorry. :(

Oh Lord, this is the worst thing I have read on here ever. Could you contact your MP or the media?

I know it sounds a bit captain obvious but cant you move house?

This is the sort of story on here that should be picked up by the press.

If he has been admitted to hospital you need to contact them and let them know what is going on. They will be able to do a mental health assessment once he is physically better and organise placement once it becomes obvious he isn’t able to return home.
Failing that, see a different GP at the practice. With this story I would expect them to be speaking to older persons mental health with some urgency.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this OP. It sounds awful. You need to be utterly clear with all agencies that you cannot help any further and they need to make decisions to ensure your DF is cared for. Not you, them.

It sucks that you're not getting the support you need but YABU.

Do you think your dad wants to be like this? To say you don't care what they do with him, Jesus.

Dementia is an evil disease. It doesn't care about families or individuals. No one would choose this life.

I’m trying to understand just how long this type of behaviour has been going on? Is he an alcoholic? Was there ever a time when his behaviour was ‘normal’ ? Was he abusive to your mum?

@VerySadVerySadAndAngry Do you own your own home? I am wondering whether you can move away, even temporarily, to give you and your family some respite.

The other thing I would do is change GP (for yourself); a GP who is not also your father’s GP would be able to be in your corner and might be less of a wet blanket.

VerySadVerySadAndAngry I am so sorry to hear you have been through this horrific experience. I hope you are ok and got some sleep? Sending you a virtual hug.

I had to reply as I wanted you to know I experienced something very similar. My mum was off the scale - it got so bad I feared for my dads life.
Like you have experienced, no one would listen. She appeared normal and sane.

Finally she was sectioned as she went into hospital for a routine examination and they noticed something wrong with her- she had arrived at the hospital in a taxi but she was missing a item of her clothing. Enough to panic the hospital.

She was sectioned, placed on a mental health ward, given tablets to try and control her. Then put into a carehome. She was a nightmare to the staff.

It affected me very very badly. I still havent fully recovered. It felt like a very lonely time. But you are not alone. You have got some good people here listening to you.
I think you need to need to write to the police through a solicitor. You want a written and verbal apology that you were arrested. This is to try and ensure they dont think of trying to do it again.

Your dad - you are doing all the right things contacting GP, SW, MP, etc.
The only thing you can do to protect yourself if say you are not his next of kin. Get your number off your dad files.
If your dad tries to kick your house door down, call the police. If your dad does any threathing behaviour call the police.
Protect your family.
Its very hard calling the police but you will have to so they can have a file on him being threatening towards you and your family.

I hope that is helpful. I hope you find a solution. You have been through alot. Remember be kind to yourself. You have done enough for him.

Big hug

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP

My poor Dad behaved horrifically because of dementia, I was in tears at the doctors on several occasions, and asked social services for help but still nothing happened.

In the end it was a lady at the chemist who saw my mum struggling with his behaviour, who contacted the mental health nurse, she came to see mum within days and sorted everything out.

So go back to social services or the doctors and specifically ask for a referral to the mental health nurse.

Do you know what, op, i think i would just move and leave him to it. You've done your best to keep him safe and get him the support he needs but i suspect because you're there the SW etc think he has someone who can care for him. When you're not there anymore they'll be forced to take action. Dementia or not, your own one precious life is too short to be spending in disgusting police cells because of a cantankerous old man who it sounds like didn't bring much to your life or your dm's life to begin with. Maybe i'm a cold hearted bitch, but that's my two cents.

OP if the solicitor holds POA you can speak to them. Your dad now clearly lacks capacity to make decisions and so the POA kicks in and the solicitor now has to make decisions for him. Based on what you've said, a dementia care home is required. Message me if you need more info. We went to hell and back with my mum and social workers etc were worse than useless. Just because you are family you can't be expected to deal with what is a serious mental illness.

Firstly I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

I think,you need to make an official complaint against the police, if only to try and ensure this does not happen to you again.

Your dad needs sectioning but I have no idea how to get this done when it seems all the organisations who could help are doing nothing. I think contacting the solicitor is a good idea. Have you tried your MP?

Can you move house? If he physically goes for you again such as when he jabbed you with the fork can you ring the police and say he’s assaulted you and you want him charged? Obviously they’re not going to proceed with it against a confused man but the more contact they have with him the more they’re likely to try and get him sectioned?

I'm a nurse in a mental health unit for patients with dementia. Your Dad sounds like he needs to be sectioned and treated. There is medication available that can help with his aggression and paranoia.

I know it sounds terrible, but the quickest way to get this done when professionals aren't being helpful is to withdraw completely. In my experience there are some professionals who don't do much all the time there is a family carer taking all the slack, but get forced to do something when said family just announce they can no longer do this anymore.

Am I cruel for not caring about him anymore?

No, you're human and putting the right things first.

and he drinks for breakfast

He's alcoholic.
Please go to Al-Anon and seek support.

Prioritise your husband and children. Your health is more importnant than trying to preserve what's left of his health.

This is one of the most upsetting and concerning threads I've ever read. I am not in any position to give you useful advice OP but I hope after this absolutely awful and frankly inexplicable experience you and your father both get the help you desperately need.

Unless he's taken into permanent care, I strongly suggest you move house and just disengage completely.

OP I think you need someone like a GP to make a SS referral for him. they did for my dad who is a hoarder when they finally hurst themselves n the hoarding and it showed he was at risk, he now gets carers coming in etc and SS sorted that out.

You need to say as you are, you can't do anything to help, but maybe it will take until they get into a pickle they actually get the help, like my dad. Unfortunately.

If you look on the site Out of the FOG there is an elderly parents section which might help you as well.

I think a formal complaint about the police handling of the situation would be justified. And did they actually have a search warrant?

so hope the hospital have arranged mental health help.
He needs admission to a menel health hospital and any possible help explored.

OP you've been failed by the services so very very badly here. My heart goes out to you x Unfortunately I don't have any advice to offer but I do hope you find some sort of release from this awful situation soon

Did someone say his solicitor had a POA? If so that may now need to be registered with the public guardian's office. Secondly you could put his house up for sale (the solicitor could under the POA) and a home be found for him. However it is hard with dementia to know when capacity hsa gone. My father had it although he was very gentle with it indeed as that was his nature and he had to spend £130k on day and night dementia care at home in his last year by the way and died just after his life savings were exhausted. (And yes you can put a house up for sale under the current regulations although viewings would have to be when your father was not in the house unless everyone thinks dying of covid 19 is actually a good thing for him - my own father certainly made it clear when younger (he was a doctor) he did not want his own life prolonged in these kinds of situations.

OP, when the police arrived at your house, did you become angry with them? Reading your update of what happened at the police station I'm assuming you were kept in a cell because of your possible behaviour.
If the police are well aware of your DFs history, they would not have turned up to question you as if you were a criminal, they would have come to get your view on what he's said about you stealing from him. To search your house without your permission they would have had a search warrant.
How old is your DS? Did he witness this behaviour?
Also, a POA is automatically registered so a solicitor can easily check this out. When you've spoken to his solicitor, what have they said about his behaviour?
Is your DF an alcoholic? He wouldn't automatically be taken into a home or sectioned if his behaviour was down to this.
When was the last time he saw his GP?