Spent the day in a police cell, AIBU?

[VerySadVerySadAndAngry]

I have name changed for obvious reasons. But I post regularly here and would really appreciate some advice and support.

Yesterday was spent in a filthy dirty police cell, in custody. I have never in my life broken the law and I was scared. I was arrested and taken in because my father who has dementia and weird obsessional thoughts decided I had stolen all of his food.

Its been getting worse for months. He is aggressive and threatening, to the point he was trying to poke me with a garden fork. I'm actually quite scared at times because he tries to hit me, my husband, other people. I have been trying for over a year to get him into a home. Social workers will not listen. He has made allegations about his care staff, pub landlord, people in the pub, his friends, and his neighbours. he says he has people in his house, he sees things and talks to himself. He isn't washing or dressing appropriately, and he drinks for breakfast.

I am driven nuts with several calls a day. He bangs on the door and kicks my door up to 20 times a day. he stands by my car or in the garden so i can't get in or out of my house. He has been ringing the police every day for over a week. They arrive and he has gone out. He calls 999 and told them he is breathless so they blue light an ambulance, he is out.

But this is the final straw. I have written to his social worker, his GP, his solicitor and all of the neighbours. I have told the solicitor that any money left to me must be paid to charity. I hate this man. I can't bear to be anywhere near him. I have told social worker that I don't want to know where they place him if he comes out of hospital again, and I don't want to be informed if anything happens. Maybe he will get Covid-19? he certainly isn't social distancing, all of his wandering banging on doors and trips to A & E mean he more than likely is a candidate. I just can't cope anymore.

The police found my innocent and they have offered me support. So, why are the police now so supportive? well they have had so many dealings with my DF and his stolen stuff over the last year that they have written to SW x 3 making recommendations and they assured me this will never happen again. But I am still afraid. I went outside to look at the house to check to see if he had been discharged and nearly collapsed when I thought I heard a sound.

Am I cruel for not caring about him anymore? I feel so guilty and feel like I should care, but I'm just so frightened and I feel angry that he is doing this to me and my family.

Sorry pressed post too soon.

A factual list of events will help anyone new to the case rapidly get up to speed.
Eg Jan 2020 DF called police

The cps do not allow police to turn up and randomly arrest someone on the say so if someone else. They just don't.
The CPS have fuck all to do with arrests. They only get involved at the charge stage.

If there's a query on whether to arrest, it's the sergeant's call afaik. Nothing to do with the CPS whatsoever.

The cps do not allow police to turn up and randomly arrest someone on the say so if someone else.

The CPS have nothing to do with arrests. So if that's the level of knowledge you're using to protest about what the police would and would not do then maybe you could pack it in now.

This country for the last 7 or 8 years cannot organise a piss up in a brewery. They have run things down to such an extent you end up with a situation like this. Britain has turned into the Wild West

Hang on, they got a search warrant to search your home, even though your father has a history of making complaints about people that come to nothing? And they arrested you and put you in a cell?

I'm finding this really hard to believe.

Hear hear!!!! @nopenothappening
Coming from someone who claims to have knowledge of how the policing process works, they know sweet fanny adams!!!

I'm finding this really hard to believe

I believe it unfortunately.

Your father is well known to the police but they still locked you up for the day, despite you being a previously law abiding citizen with no risk of absconding?

Is that usual/correct conduct from the police?

I dont get the boots thing female officer came in and told me to take my boots off. I refused and pointed out to her just how bad it would look if an innocent 47 year old mother was found having ligatured in their custody with her bootlaces after being terrorised by her father for 2 years plus. She let me keep my boots on so you said if they took your boots from you, you'd ligature yourself with your bootlaces, and because of that threat, she let you keep your your boots and the laces?

I have only just woken up, this whole thing has left me absolutely exhausted. I will answer questions later.

Candy, I have the paperwork here that proves I was arrested. You need to suspend your disbelief because this happened.

I'm going for a walk in the fields to think.
Thank you everyone who has been so kind. I really appreciate your kindness. I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this, I don't want to burden anyone.

@VerySadVerySadAndAngry - you have my sympathy. It's awful dealing with a parent in this situation when you're the child. I didn't have the exact extremes you're dealing with, but I absolutely believe the trauma you've been through. It's unbelievably hard being the adult child of a parent who won't accept there's a problem. You really do have to be 'horrible' and tell the powers that be (Social Care team/GP in particular) that you can't - won't - be their 'go to' person any longer.

It's awful, you feel so guilty, but you have to look after yourself first, because no one else will. They want you to do their jobs for them.

Stay strong, OP, and try not to feel guilty when the pressure starts coming at you from the 'authorities' (and it will). You have the right to not be responsible for someone who hasn't ever been there for you when you needed them. There's a lot of truth in 'you can choose your friends, but not your family', but unfortunately the 'authorities' automatically think that because you're 'family' you'll pick up the slack. Only because it will cost them money to do so!

I can't believe pp are questioning your experiences with your father and the police. It sounds all too possible.

I hope you find peace moving forwards, but I know you'll be beating yourself up about it too. But the guilt isn't yours to bear. No one should have to be left alone to deal with the things you have just because 'it's family'.

Candy, I have the paperwork here that proves I was arrested. You need to suspend your disbelief because this happened.

Nobody is disbelieving the arrest. It's the circumstances. The police didn't show up with a warrant to search your house and take you into custody because someone told them you stole food.

I was arrested & held in a police cell for several hours because my then estranged h made a false allegation against me.

Two coppers turned up & arrested me in front of my children. They allowed me to get dressed (it was first thing in the morning), took me to the local police station, left me in a cell for several hours, & then interviewed me under caution.

I denied everything - as it was all complete bollocks. They popped me back in my cell for another couple of hours, until they managed to call my ex & tell him I utterly refuted his allegation. At which point he basically said ok fair enough - it was worth a try, I'd like to withdraw my original statement...

At this point an officer stopped by my cell to reassure me that they'd be letting me out just as soon as h rocked up to sign a second statement confirming that the first was total bullshit, & did I want to press charges against him because frankly they'd welcome that after he'd wasted their time.

I said no, but can you not just let me out now since you've confirmed over the phone that he is withdrawing his statement & therefore there is no charge to answer?

Sorry love, they said, it doesn't work like that, but he says he's on his way.

Took him another two hours to turn up. I was locked up for about 9 hours in total.

So I can well believe the OP!

Sorry you're having to deal with this OP. What an absolute nightmare .

Ok purple but what were the charges? If it's an allegation that you might be a danger to your children that's very different to being told you stole food.
For the record I'm not doubting the op I just don't understand the grounds under which the op was arrested. If there is a complaint to make, I'm sure lots of very knowledgeable people on here could guide the OP because the information she's given doesn't make sense. Neither does the boots thing. It's left me confused and I'm asking questions for clarity. Not to score points.

No nothing like that Candy - he'd left a large collection of expensive (& unwieldy) hobby equipment in the FMH. We'd had an ongoing & fairly heated email exchange about when he was going to shift it - I was trying to sell the house - & he'd been completely taking the piss.

In the end I tired of his bullshit & a sympathetic mutual friend kindly offered to pick it up & store it.

I hadn't got round to mentioning to ex that I'd done this, largely because I was SO tired of his shit, but one of the dc told him it was 'gone'.

Ex then decided to accuse me of smashing & burning it in the back garden .

When the police arrested me they weren't specific - just said I was being charged with theft of ex's property. I had no idea what they were talking about.

If they'd told me what it was all about I could just have said 'well if you call Dave Bloggs he'll tell you it's safely in his garage...'

Gotta love shitty exes. Sorry that happened to you. Also feel for the OP. Difficult circumstances.

I'm no lawyer, may be talking rubbish, but did the police actually have the legal power to search your house? Perhaps if they were investigating something, but I'd be rather suspicious about 1, whether they had a warrant, and 2, of without a warrant they had any right to ransacked your house, given said information about your father.

I'm sure any lawyers reading this will shed some light, as if this wasnt the case you should be making a pretty strong complaint about this, in addition to giving them a going over about why they are apparently unable to access their own files.

Please please talk to,someone, it sounds horrendous

They'll have had a warrant alright - they're not quite that idiotic.

Why did they leave, rather than take, your boots after you threatened to strangle yourself with the bootlace?

I didn't get that either stealth surely that info going to the custody sargent would prompt the removal of said laces/boots?

I'm surprised the police let you keep your boots after you'd talked about ligaturing yourself with the laces - astonished in fact.

I hope you can access support for yourself, and hopefully (assuming your father is currently in hospital) he will be discharged into an environment where he will be safe, and supported, too. Dementia is a cruel illness.

PurpleCrowbar, if it's not too late you should put in a formal complaint about kept in custody after the police had been told your husband was withdrawing the complaint. At that point they had no conceivable justification for continuing to keep you locked up.

Thank you to everyone who has been supportive.

I'll try and answer a few of the questions. I was arrested for Theft in Dwelling other than machine or meter (whatever that is).

When the police arrived at me house, 3 of them, they said I had to go with them for questioning. They said my father had made an accusation that I had taken things from his house. They didn't say what, and they didn't start asking any questions. I wasn't dressed, I broke down in tears when they insisted I had to go to the station.

One of them read me my rights and told me I was under arrest. I was taken out and driven to the station and put in custody.

The shoes/boots thing. I had to take off my boots and they were left outside of the cell. When the mental health person came to get me to talk to me I picked up my boots and put them back on. When they took me back to the cell I still had them on. I kicked the door when I couldn't get running water to wash my hands. When the custody person came to the cell she said "I can hear you kicking the door" I pointed to my boots and said you let me back in here with my boots on. I asked her what would happen if an innocent 47 yr old woman terrorised by her father and then by you decided to use her laces to tie a ligature? I have worked in mental health, I know what happens. I work with people with challenging behaviour. I know what can happen!

I have told my father's GP regularly what he is doing. I have sent emails, sometimes daily to his SW giving updates to DFs behaviour and incidents, I have written extensively to the LPA giving full details of DFs behaviours and lack of capacity. I can't see what else I could have done?

I have asked DH if the police showed him a search warrant for the house? He said no. He said the young copper who made the arrest and read my rights (he stayed behind) put some clear bags on the table and some paper. he then first went to fridge and cupboards. Got on his radio and started asking which brands they were looking for.

So, yes, they were looking for food.

When I was interviewed I was asked how often I go into my father's house. I said hardly ever, not at all in the last 2 weeks. I told them about his behaviours and about him accusing me of taking pens, shavers, pants, shirts, socks, calculators etc,... and told them about the banging on the door 20 times. It was odd, because I mentioned my DF coming to the door with a bottle of juice, me not opening the door and saw him out the window walk to the next house with the juice. As soon as I said this he said there were no further questions, turned off the tape and said that I wouldn't be here for much longer and that he could assure me this won't happen again.

I keep looking outside to check DF has not been sent home. Everytime I hear something outside I jump.

My DF has been taking food about offering people for months, he offers me food. I never take it. I am just grateful now that I didn't just open the door and take the bottle of juice.

I am going to look to see if this is wrongful arrest. I am starting to feel quite angry. I just hope I can laugh about it one day, I guess then I will be over it. I am just so so angry with this SW.