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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP making my orgasms about him

122 replies

Aisforharlot · 14/04/2020 09:59

so Frustrated with him right now.

I have always found it very hard to come, almost impossible with a partner. I’ve tried to tell DP what I need to get there, but he seems not to hear it.

He gets very upset he can’t make me come...I’ve told him it’s not him, it’s just difficult for me.

Last night he tried again with a vibrator. Didn’t work, he gave up in a huff after 20 mins.
My issue is he’s using it on me wrong, in a way that’s never going to get me there, and he won’t bloody listen. Gets annoyed I’m pulling away when he uses it too hard, thinks I’m deliberately stopping myself for some psychological reason.

I told him I can get there, but he needs to follow the instructions I’ve given him on what I need.
He said that’s fine for me making myself come, but he wants to find his own special fucking mystical way of doing it....
Aargh!
Like, dude...just get me there a few times reliably, then you can tinker the process.

I hate that he makes this more about his ego than a process we can potentially enjoy together.
Just venting because honestly I’m very cross with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aisforharlot · 14/04/2020 10:01

Me: fingering is never going to make me come.
Him: I think you should stop telling yourself that.

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 14/04/2020 10:01

What a pratt.

Original poster
Aisforharlot · 14/04/2020 10:02

I know my own body!
Can you imagine me making his orgasm about me? No, I ask him exactly what gets him off best, and adjust my technique to please him. Ffs.

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 14/04/2020 10:02

How long have you been tolerating this nonsense for OP? Does he generally always think he knows best?

MehitabelWhurl · 14/04/2020 10:03

Well you know what to do. Whenever you get your hands on his dick, jerk it as if you’re trying to yank it off. Or if he’s into a firm touch, become a feathery stroker. If he complains say you know best or that you’re trying to find your own special way of getting him off.

Or just dump him.

Jason118 · 14/04/2020 10:05

Sometimes I despair of my fellow man. As PP suggested, twist his cock (like a Chinese burn), he'll get the message then!

MashedSpud · 14/04/2020 10:06

Tell him.

DonkeyKongQueen · 14/04/2020 10:06

Next time you give him a hand job do it with just your thumb and fore finger in an 'ok' sign position and do it as light as a fairy's touch.

When he ask you what the fuck your doing say your using your own technique and a firm grip might make him orgasm when he's wanking but your OK FAIRY technique is something he should be able to come from if he just stops telling himself he can't!

Divebar · 14/04/2020 10:08

The problem is the more of an issue you make it the less likely it is to happen because you become uptight about “ performing” for him. This is about his ego and in all honesty the erroneous belief that all women can orgasm from penetration. ( I can’t myself ). How about if you masturbated together and you made yourself cum for him to begin with. Would that be a starting point?

Helmetbymidnight · 14/04/2020 10:08

My issue is he’s using it on me wrong, in a way that’s never going to get me there, and he won’t bloody listen.

I'm sorry, he sounds like a horrendous person.

The only other option is that he's really, really badly informed sexually. I mean catastrophically stupid.

supadupapupascupa · 14/04/2020 10:09

I have to do it myself. No big deal, dh waits for me, makes sure I get mine first, then his. Great sex, no biggie just do what you need yourself. I cannot come if someone else is trying to do it. It's just too precise a science!

Ninkanink · 14/04/2020 10:10

Hmmm yeah that relationship would be over pretty damn quickly, if it were me.

What an idiot.

TriangleBingoBongo · 14/04/2020 10:10

I had an ex like this. He wouldn’t take any direction from me, saying I made him feel inferior, if I used a vibrator he’d get upset saying I should be able to finish without one. I remember him doing well on what happened to be a complete one off in a three year relationship and gushing like mad about how amazing it was and what it was in particular that I like. Never did it again. I looked at him and thought I can’t tolerate sex like this forever. Irony was he once got really cross with me because I wasn’t interested that night and shouted he should be able to have sex with his gf when he likes. Total controlling knob.

If you’re reading any similarities dump him. I think you have good sex when you connect on a personal level too. My husband is amazing as a man and amazing in bed and I’m so glad I didn’t resign myself to shit sex.

NekoShiro · 14/04/2020 10:10

That's really shitty, personally I can't from intercourse, I can only from front stimulation so I don't know if telling him to change the focus area might help him get you there, but this sounds like it's gonna be a mental slog getting through to him

PippaPegg · 14/04/2020 10:16

Not much of a D "P" is he. Do you want to be treated like this forever? In all areas of your life not just sex? That's what he is offering you.

MayFayner · 14/04/2020 10:16

Another vote for the Chinese burn.

MehitabelWhurl · 14/04/2020 10:17

To the posters telling OP to “tell him” - can you not read? She HAS told him. She’s made it very clear that she’s made it very clear!

Honestly some of you listen about as well as her DP does 🙄

MehitabelWhurl · 14/04/2020 10:18

My ex husband was like this btw. He was controlling in other areas too which is why he’s an ex.

Branleuse · 14/04/2020 10:25

is this your husband or just a lover, because that sounds like really shit sex.

Crackerscheesescabbyknees · 14/04/2020 10:28

Stop letting him try. Tell him you don't like what he does and take the option away from him.

Thefaceofboe · 14/04/2020 10:38

My dp sometimes does weird things and I just think why are you doing that?? I can guarantee no women has ever enjoyed it.

Interestedwoman · 14/04/2020 10:40

It gives me the creeps that he is insisting he knows better than you or you should put up with a suboptimal method when you know it's suboptimal. It kind of has a hint of doing stuff to you which you don't want.

If he tries again with the Svengali-esque 'ah, but I will make you come with this magickal method, I know you better than you know yourself!' (barf) I agree with Crackers, you could say something like:-

'That doesn't work'

"Oh, it will if you let it work.'

'No so it's not going to happen. If you want to make me come, do X instead.'

@MehitabelWhurl She may have told him but she's obviously still letting him do it if it's still happening that he's doing 20 mins of a thing she knows isn't going to hit the spot etc.

SarahTancredi · 14/04/2020 10:41

He knows. Hes doing it on purpose.

Theres no coming back from that I dont know why you are wasting time trying to "fix" it.

Hes not interested in your pleasure at all.

Otherrooms · 14/04/2020 10:42

Yuck. OP. He sounds horrible.

FuckThisWind · 14/04/2020 10:48

Dear god. You can do without this sort of shit. Do you live with him? I expect you must, otherwise you probably wouldn't be seeing each other. I don't live with my partner, and can honestly say I haven't missed him. And he's not quite so crap in bed as this diamond sounds!