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Original poster

DP making my orgasms about him

122 replies

Aisforharlot · 14/04/2020 09:59

so Frustrated with him right now.

I have always found it very hard to come, almost impossible with a partner. I’ve tried to tell DP what I need to get there, but he seems not to hear it.

He gets very upset he can’t make me come...I’ve told him it’s not him, it’s just difficult for me.

Last night he tried again with a vibrator. Didn’t work, he gave up in a huff after 20 mins.
My issue is he’s using it on me wrong, in a way that’s never going to get me there, and he won’t bloody listen. Gets annoyed I’m pulling away when he uses it too hard, thinks I’m deliberately stopping myself for some psychological reason.

I told him I can get there, but he needs to follow the instructions I’ve given him on what I need.
He said that’s fine for me making myself come, but he wants to find his own special fucking mystical way of doing it....
Aargh!
Like, dude...just get me there a few times reliably, then you can tinker the process.

I hate that he makes this more about his ego than a process we can potentially enjoy together.
Just venting because honestly I’m very cross with him.

OP posts:
category12 · 14/04/2020 15:03

Is he like this with everything, determined that he's right and you know nothing?

I'd honestly stop having sex with him.

GilbertMarkham · 14/04/2020 15:03

I also tend to think that someone is either naturally good in bed - sensual, interested in partners climax, lacking ego, good communication .... Or they're not. Its like dancing or kissing or having an aptitude/talent for something.

I've missed a couple of men who were good kissers but not had sex with them - wish I had to see if that followed through to sex.

The men that have caused me the sheer frustration (and anger eventually) were not good kissers for the most part. Sexually not only were they unskilled but seemingly impossible to 'teach".

I don't know whether it's ego, selfishness, crap at receiving communication or some combination.

Annamaria14 · 14/04/2020 15:04

This is a reflection of society as a whole right now:

Men think that they are worth more than women. I have read numerous articles online where men have said that "women orgasming, is more about men's ego, then it is about women's pleasure".

That is why - during sex - men want alot of over the top fake screams from women - for their ego.

And have you noticed, when we come, alot of men don't let us come silently. They want us to scream - not for our pleasure - for their ego!

I want to come silently! When I feel pressured to perform for him, and come loudly - screaming because he wants to hear it for his ego - I don't enjoy it at all.

We have to accept this fact. In this generation - women are being abused in many different areas in the world over. Manh Men think they are more important than women - and this also shows up in bed- him satisfying himself and not the woman - is another form of abuse.

You need to be very firm with him. You have a say in it. Say that you will not have intercourse with him unless he makes you come first. Tell him what he needs to do. You deserve pleasure in this

GilbertMarkham · 14/04/2020 15:05

*kissed

Tootletum · 14/04/2020 15:05

Dumpy time.

Annamaria14 · 14/04/2020 15:10

Porn - filmed by men for men, is also abusive and degrading to women, and very damaging of normal sex.

Look at porn -most of it is incredibly violent and abusive to women.

Even the normal porn (piv sex) shows no foreplay for the woman, it shows the man just putting his penis in a woman, and the woman screaming in ecstacy and having explosive multipe orgasms. Porn is where men get all their selfish stupid and egotistical ideas from.

It is high over time to ban porn.

StarlightLady · 14/04/2020 15:48

He needs to understand about how a woman “works”.

dontgobaconmyheart · 14/04/2020 15:56

He's a misogynist OP, and sounds like a tragic prat. Why are you with someone that thinks women exist to be to guided by men so men can feel reassured they are top dog and feel they have control of women's bodies because womens bodies are theirs. It's boring.

He cares more about that than he does you and his behaviour is abusive. Abuse and control come in many forms...

I wouldn't let him anywhere near me, and would be dust. He's shit in bed and there is no hope for him, he's shown tou what he really thinks about you/women and will keep making you miserable until you...what...start faking and he 'wins' so will be sated for a while whilst lording it over you that he always knew it. How embarrassing.

Ninkanink · 14/04/2020 15:58

Why would you want to survive lockdown with him??

willowmelangell · 14/04/2020 16:35

I can't see this getting any better. An ex used to tell me that "Every woman I've ever had, had an orgasm." I used to think , nope, you've had a lot of women faking it.
Variously I got told, I wasn't trying hard enough, I was trying too hard, if I'd just relax, if I'd just let him do what he always had done.
He would not be shown, he would not try my way. He refused to have sex in positions I enjoyed because, "It would make me think of other men." He went through a phase of stopping himself having an orgasm to "teach me a lesson"
I never used to understand how I'd read about women dreading sex. After him, I now get it.

CaroleFuckinBaskin · 14/04/2020 17:19

I have read numerous articles online where men have said that "women orgasming, is more about men's ego, then it is about women's pleasure".

That is why - during sex - men want alot of over the top fake screams from women - for their ego.

This is so true. And so depressing.

MikeUniformMike · 14/04/2020 21:22

No sex is better than bad sex.

springydaff · 14/04/2020 21:57

Revolting man.

Do please get rid.

StarlightLady · 15/04/2020 03:21

I remember once on MN being criticised for saying that I would have the “oral conversation” with someone before having sex and would not entertain the idea of going with someone who would not go down on me. They (he?) said l was being dictatorial. Yet it is my body and l have every right to share it with who l choose and in what circumstances.

Reading threads like this, l’m convinced l was right.

Wondersense · 15/04/2020 04:27

It's a wonder that, given you find orgasming quite difficult, that you're able to at all with all that pressure and frustration. He doesn't sound like a good sexual partner to me. He doesn't listen to you. Doesn't believe you. It's all about him.

I suspect his next move will be to compare you to previous women he's been with and start making you feel bad for not orgasming like them, or not responding to his 'technique' like them.

QueenOfPain · 15/04/2020 04:30

Fucking hell mate, I’m raging for you. How you’ve not hit him round the head with the vibrator I’ve no idea. Just throw him away.

Wondersense · 15/04/2020 04:42

I told him Icanget there, but he needs to follow the instructions I’ve given him on what I need.
He said that’s fine for me making myself come, but he wants to find his own special fucking mystical way of doing it...

This is so bad. If he was a caring, giving man, he would have taken the instructions and enjoyed the results. You've been clear and direct. What he's saying here is that his ego needs are more important that your actual orgasm. He tried his way. It didn't work, so he really needs to move on, except for him, he might not because in his eyes he will view this as a humiliating failure.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/04/2020 05:25

He’s one of those - Knows best. He needs concrete examples. Offer to give him a blow job, blow on it. Tell him if he tries hard enough, your blowing in it will bring him to orgasm.

Is he controlling in other ways or a know it all attitude?

Tableclothing · 15/04/2020 05:42

Good masturbation is better than bad sex. He's an unteachable, arrogant loser. Can you imagine still having this godawful sex 5, 10, 25 years from now? Save yourself and dump him.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 15/04/2020 08:24

your OK FAIRY technique is the kind of content I come to mumsnet for!

OP sex should be fun for both partners. This isn't and doesn't sound like it will be. Get him sacked.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 15/04/2020 08:45

Men find it so easy they don't need to give much direction. He wants to be the "big man" and conquer the elusive female orgasm all by himself.

I hope after your chat he's realised you know your own body and he needs to take his lead from you. Or you've dumped him.

BurtonHouse · 15/04/2020 13:19

Friend if mine once tried to guide her lover on how to please her.
His response was 'Don't tell me how to do it. I know what I'm doing'.
Tragically, she's been married to him for years.

billy1966 · 15/04/2020 13:43

@Burton......famous last words of someone who definitely doesn't 🙄

MikeUniformMike · 15/04/2020 13:59

I quite like the idea of a blow... job. I suppose if he complained you could fetch a hair dryer.

MulticolourMophead · 15/04/2020 14:17

I remember once on MN being criticised for saying that I would have the “oral conversation” with someone before having sex and would not entertain the idea of going with someone who would not go down on me. They (he?) said l was being dictatorial. Yet it is my body and l have every right to share it with who l choose and in what circumstances.

Reading threads like this, l’m convinced l was right.

I think you are. It's not being dictatorial, it's just finding someone you're compatible with.