He doesn't like talking on the phone?

[SadSausage44]

Hi everyone any opinions/input please?

I'm currently in lockdown a couple of hundred miles away from a man I've been dating for approximately 6 months. Met on tinder and have fallen head over heels for each other. He has 3 children with his ex so we were seeing each other every other weekend and a day or so during the week. My daughter is grown and doing her own thing.
His kids/ex don't know about me yet, which is fine by me, he always said it would be at least 6 months before he even thought about introducing a new partner to his children, so meeting the children was something that would probably have been begun to be discussed around now if the bloody virus hadn't happened.

Anyway, from the start, he's never been one for talking on the phone. Lots of texts, but general chit chat, calling and chatting on the phone, from the start, never really happened. That was fine with me because we were seeing each other regularly.
So, because of his childcare arrangements and social distancing and then me coming to my family home a few weeks ago as I couldn't cope with lockdown on my own, I haven't seen him for about a month now.

I have spoken to him twice in over 2 weeks, once at my instigation as in I said 'fancy a chat later babes' which was fine and then about a week later I just called him as I knew he was home alone, not with kids etc.
He was a bit off on the phone, I didn't realise he'd just made his dinner and had been on phone all day for work. I texted him after a slightly awkward call saying hey, felt a bit awkward, don't want to feel like I'm hassling you,but I did, we haven't spoken for 6 days, if you'd rather not chat on the phone because you're tired etc just let me know.
His job at the mo consists of talking on the phone all day every day, so I get it if he doesn't want to chat all the time but.... not at all?
I will usually wake up to a lovely good morning text and the text throughout the day, lots and lots of serious sexting, chat, zero calls.
I miss his voice, he knows I'd like to chat more. I'm certainly not going to demand he calls me if he doesn't want to.
Does anyone have experience of being with someone who is massively affectionate and lovely in person but just shit on the phone?
I feel like we need to hear each other's voices occasionally to get through being apart from each other for so long.
I have to add he's my first relationship after a 15 year marriage breakdown where exhtb cheated on me and blew my whole world apart a year ago so I'm perhaps a bit over sensitive and I'm definitely a bit scared of getting hurt again.
Thanks for reading everyone, I'd love to know what people think!!!

To everyone saying "I smell a rat" - honestly some people (and it's not a gender thing) really cannot and do not do good phone calls. He might just be shit at them. It nearly split me and my now husband up before we lived together - but it really was just a hatred or the phone thing

Wouldnt write him off. I hate phones and get anxious about using them. Absolutely able to use them for work. He sends texts and shows he is thinking about you. Keep modelling the behaviour you want to see and dont overthink it.

Sorry. I think he's still married.

He is still married but separated for 18 months before we met and is coparenting his children and they absolutely come first for him. This is one if the things I love about him. His kids are his world.

One of

There could be lots of reasons but check if he's an Introvert..it's a well-known trait that we rather text or email (not necessarily because we "like to text" but we express better through writing than speaking).

Also because peoples energy drains us quickly.

If he spends time at work on the phone, no wonder he's drained and cant talk "for fun" on the phone after all that talking. It's draining to an introvert and not because they dont enjoy it. Some do, some don't THose who aren't dont understand.

It's important that you find someone you're compatible with - if talking on the phone is something you need and part of your personality, find someone who is similar. You wouldn't want someone to change you to become less "talk-on-the-phone needy", so why try to make someone to be more talk on the phone type. They will only drain energy quicker and want to spend less time with you.

It could be something else though.

Yes, you're right, it's absolutely no problem if he is an introvert and doesnt like talking on the phone, unfortunately because of recent experience and residual insecurity I kind of need him to tell me that it's him not me otherwise I automatically go to 'he doesn't want to talk to me on the phone because he isn't in to me' mode, which is shit. I'm 45 ffs.
Sadly texting today has been just the one from him. It's usually several over the day. I'm going to leave it and give us both some space, it's doing my f ing head in and I find myself falling down that rabbit hole of thinking what's wrong with me, blaming myself, feeling insecure and shite. I'm not going to sugar coat this, in a time of a pandemic, when he knows I'm missing my daughter, him, friends, going through a shitty divorce, blah blah blah, I just don't think an occasional phone call is much to ask.
I don't want to compromise my feelings after 15 years of doing that for an emotionally abusive ex who cheated, lied and treated me like shit.
Seriously a phone call a week can't be too much to expect can it?

"He is still married but separated for 18 months before we met and is coparenting his children and they absolutely come first for him. This is one if the things I love about him. His kids are his world."

See this is a red flag for me. Recently separated and "kids are his world" are pretty often code for "still married" (as in not separated).

Not saying it's the case, but I would be wary.

He has his own apartment down the road from his ex and kids. I have spent a lot of time there and we have discussed the end of his marriage and how horrible it was for him to leave.
I cannot judge him for still loving and being with his kids and having a good relationship with his ex can I? Oh jesus am I being ridiculously naive?

I hate talking on the phone and even whilst dating I much prefer text. my husband works away and I hate him ringing and always ask him to text or WhatsApp. I don't know why I just can't do it!

Dont be hard on yourself. I understand your frustrations, which is why I always advocate to find someone compatible. If someone is showing you something about them from the beginning that you find to not really work for you, it's either you talk about it and get it resolved or walk away. Dont let yourself be shackled to the point of getting married and harder to leave.

The thing is that some people, introverts included, don't know themselves very well so may not even be able to tell you why he's acting the way he does. I speak from experience as someone who only started realising who I am and my whole childhood up till adulthood started to make sense. Before then, I didn't know.

So, start with asking HIM questions. It's always the best bet and first steps. If you're not getting any headway/he's either being evasive or he has no idea or something, then consider walking away because it clearly affects you negatively. It wont suddenly get better unless some sort of communication or self-awareness change/miracle happens.

Please never see yourself as the problem. I know life can take a toll on mental health but remind yourself that whoever wants to be with you will make the effort to be with you. You don't have to chase after them.. it doesnt have to be hard. The fault isnt yours and sometimes isn't theirs either. You just aren't compatible/meant to be. It's better to know it early than later.

Also consider giving him space too and just get him out of your head for now. Let him come to you and just go with the flow. If you have any other source of entertainment/company, focus on that, rather than expecting from this one that you aren't getting as much as you want.

Also he could well still be married and the lockdown means his wife is home more often, so can't talk. You never know.

Yes, evasive is a good description of him. Pre corona virus, if I asked him to join me in a social situation or go away somewhere, if he couldn't do it for whatever reason, instead of just telling me, he would usually just ignore and not respond to the invite or say 'sounds good I'll check the diary' and then just never speak about said engagement again, so I would just have to come to the understanding that he couldn't do it. On the odd occasion he would say he couldn't join, he seemed to find it excruciating to say he couldn't come, even though I was always cool about it. I'm a sociable person with lots going on and will always invite him along, even if it's a long shot that he could join.
Then I feel like I'm pressuring him!! I'll always invite him to stuff as that's what I'd like.

Yes, again, I'll say, he is still married but separated for 18 months (6 months ago, so nearly 2 years now) when I met him and has his own apartment not too far from the family house. I have spent a lot of time at his house and I we have socialised a lot in the town he lives in.

Oh jesus am I being ridiculously naive?

No not at all. The fact that someone doesn’t particularly like talking on the phone doesn’t mean they are shacked up with their ex.

Thank you!

Ah! okay, he's separated and lives alone. Must have missed that. Sorry.

Some people do find it difficult to say no, so weasel out of things in that way. Reason can range from they feel pressured to they dont want to go but dont want to hurt your feelings to other things. In the future, if you dont already do so, you can invite him and add that it's completely fine if he doesn't want to go but you're only extending the invitation.

Won't stop someone who isnt used to saying no, they may still just be evasive but now they know atleast you are okay with it.

Listen, I'm an introvert and it can be hard work dealing with us (socially) if you're a social butterfly. We also know this and can become quite awkward because we know we've said no (or avoided saying no) so many times to you that it must be tasking for you. The thing is it's our nature to not want to be out/around people ever or for too long as much as it's your nature to do the opposite. We shouldn't feel guilty or awkward about this but society is for extroverts (This lockdown and people's reactions have proven it) and have made us feel we need to apologise for not being too outgoing and we need to come out of our shells, try more, etc. Its not fair as we are not telling others to be more solitary or less outgoing.

So I say once again, this COULD BE (because I'm not sure) what you're in for if he's an introvert and if it's frustrating now, it won't get better later. Better to walk away than stay trying to "fix him". Not fair.

You deserve someone whom you have a lot more in common with when it comes to important/satisfactory things to you. Someone to hang out with and do stuff with if that's what you want. And he deserves similar. If he's not providing that part for you, I would decide how important it is to me in the long run.

I would try to have a direct conversation about it first though.

I find it odd that you feel you can’t have a conversation asking him about phone calls. Are you sure you are being yourself in this relationship and not someone you think he wants you to be? What’s the harm in messaging him explaining that you miss him and are lonely and would it be ok to schedule a chat once a week? Or asking him outright if he just doesn’t like chatting on the phone? You seem scared to scare him of, but these questions are completely normal to ask in a healthy relationship.

I dated someone who was evasive as a teen. You couldn't draw anything out of him and it made it hard to communicate because I kept trying to assure him just to get him to talk. This part isn't just an introvert thing. Any personality trait could be shitty at communication or good at it. Now I realise we were both introverts but he was terrible at being upfront or direct about anything. It IS tasking.

Yeah, introverted and evasive is manageable when I can see him and hold him and hang out, he's so affectionate in person. I guess it's just screaming out loud now we are in lockdown and can't see each other.

Yea I guess the lockdown makes things harder. Hang in there

He’s not single. Definitely still married!

Please ignore the couple of posters who have said that it's suspicious that he won't call. Your previous experiences will inevitably make you cautious but there's nothing in any of your posts to suggest that he's hiding anything from you.

I'm an introvert and hate using the phone. Sometimes I'm having a text conversation with my mum and then it will start to ring because she's decided that "it's easier to just talk". I know that logically she's right but I can feel my heart speeding up because I'm anxious and I can't pretend to have missed the call if she knows I have the phone on me.

You and your dp both sound lovely but also very different from each other. Once all this is over, it will be worth talking about how you're going to handle the basics differences of extrovert and sociable v introvert so that you are both happy and both get what you want out of the relationship.

Meanwhile maybe just send a text saying that you like how you message each other all day but that you really miss hearing his voice and would love to hear from him. Make it clear that it would only need to be a very short chat and then leave him to make the call so that he can choose a time when he's not tired and isn't all "people'd out" from being on the phone at work.

Good luck

Thank you, I'm realising he is a bit of an introvert. In 'normal' life we are a great team and seem to compliment each other well. This lockdown is skewing reality I guess.
He knows I miss his voice. He knows I would like him to call, I said so in a text a week ago, he still hasn't called.....
I have had a lovely message from him this morning so all is good!
And to all the people that keep proclaiming he is married, read the posts, HE IS MARRIED, separated for 18 months before we met and is a wonderful devoted father to his children. I have zero issue with him seeing his wife when he sees his kids.

Don't immediately jump to the wrong conclusions. Remember, no-one on here has inside knowledge of what is going on but human nature is such that one tends to be drawn to the negative. Can you find some way of opening up a bit to him about your worries? I'm not saying to pour your heart out to him but just to be in some way open about your worries? It's a hard time for everyone and it's easy to overthink things at the moment.