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Original poster

He doesn't like talking on the phone?

134 replies

SadSausage44 · 12/04/2020 23:02

Hi everyone any opinions/input please?

I'm currently in lockdown a couple of hundred miles away from a man I've been dating for approximately 6 months. Met on tinder and have fallen head over heels for each other. He has 3 children with his ex so we were seeing each other every other weekend and a day or so during the week. My daughter is grown and doing her own thing.
His kids/ex don't know about me yet, which is fine by me, he always said it would be at least 6 months before he even thought about introducing a new partner to his children, so meeting the children was something that would probably have been begun to be discussed around now if the bloody virus hadn't happened.

Anyway, from the start, he's never been one for talking on the phone. Lots of texts, but general chit chat, calling and chatting on the phone, from the start, never really happened. That was fine with me because we were seeing each other regularly.
So, because of his childcare arrangements and social distancing and then me coming to my family home a few weeks ago as I couldn't cope with lockdown on my own, I haven't seen him for about a month now.

I have spoken to him twice in over 2 weeks, once at my instigation as in I said 'fancy a chat later babes' which was fine and then about a week later I just called him as I knew he was home alone, not with kids etc.
He was a bit off on the phone, I didn't realise he'd just made his dinner and had been on phone all day for work. I texted him after a slightly awkward call saying hey, felt a bit awkward, don't want to feel like I'm hassling you,but I did, we haven't spoken for 6 days, if you'd rather not chat on the phone because you're tired etc just let me know.
His job at the mo consists of talking on the phone all day every day, so I get it if he doesn't want to chat all the time but.... not at all?
I will usually wake up to a lovely good morning text and the text throughout the day, lots and lots of serious sexting, chat, zero calls.
I miss his voice, he knows I'd like to chat more. I'm certainly not going to demand he calls me if he doesn't want to.
Does anyone have experience of being with someone who is massively affectionate and lovely in person but just shit on the phone?
I feel like we need to hear each other's voices occasionally to get through being apart from each other for so long.
I have to add he's my first relationship after a 15 year marriage breakdown where exhtb cheated on me and blew my whole world apart a year ago so I'm perhaps a bit over sensitive and I'm definitely a bit scared of getting hurt again.
Thanks for reading everyone, I'd love to know what people think!!!

OP posts:
CaramelBuff · 13/04/2020 08:08

Also forgot to say, I don’t think he’s cheating or anything either. More likely incompatible and it’s now starting to show more.

TheTea · 13/04/2020 08:10

I hate talking on the phone, when my husband and I have been apart I'll only text whereas he prefers to call. I dont see anything sinister in it.

littlestrawby · 13/04/2020 08:17

Surprised to see so many pps jumping to day this is suspicious!! I don't particularly enjoy talking on the phone either, neither does my husband. We never talk on the phone when we're apart and any phone call would be a brief one to discuss whatever the issue is (eg 'your mum is trying to get hold of you ' 'ok thanks bye' Grin).

We WhatsApp all the time though. I don't think it's strange to do one and not the other, it's just a preference. I like to chit chat now and then over the course of the day and not need to drop whatever I'm doing to have a huge forced conversation in a certain window of time.

Having said that I've had to force myself to make the effort to FaceTime with friends during lockdown as I understand that it's important to connect. And I love them and want to keep in touch! So I think for you, while it's not strange at all for your OH to not like phone calls, he could perhaps concede to a FaceTime once a week to keep you happy!

category12 · 13/04/2020 08:21

Talking on the phone for work is very different - it's conversation with a purpose, you're not phoning to have a natter, you have a specific reason that you can probably tick off a checkbox.

You guys talk by text all day long. He's probably got nothing much to talk about, come evening, and he's been on the phone all day. It's not like he's not in contact with you a lot. Personally I don't like phoning and it's a chore to me.

He does make the effort to speak on the phone for you, so I think unless you have other reasons to feel he's losing interest, you're being a bit demanding.

Seriouslyastounded · 13/04/2020 08:27

I don’t have Facebook and I hate talking on the phone and I especially hate face time. Nothing weird about it

uhohimbad · 13/04/2020 08:29

My boyfriend of 4 months hates it. He will do it though if I want to but to be honest I'm not overly fussed on it either.

I think you need to talk to him about it though. A compromise maybe of a phone call once a week.

Aragog · 13/04/2020 09:31

I know lots of people who don't like talking in the phone or FaceTime but who will happily text, myself included. Dh isn't keen on general chat m on the phone but spends all day talking in the phone for work, especially right now. Probably why he doesn't want to be chatting socially on the phone as well tbh. Again I don't think that's unusual.

I know many people without social media - that's definitely not unusual ime. Dh has never had sm in any form.

Text is communication. But if you really want to chat too see if there can be a compromise, a good time that works for you both - maybe a day where he wouldn't have been on the phone all day for work.

Original poster
SadSausage44 · 13/04/2020 10:04

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your input.
I suppose I think it's normal to talk every now and again when there's a pandemic on and we are missing each other so much.
When I was seeing him regularly no calls was absolutely not a problem for me.
We do generally WhatsApp throughout the day, he is often with his 3 kids. I'm not thinking there is anything sinister going on and will hope our fledgling relationship can get through being apart without hearing each other's voices!
I must remember not everyone is like me!! We are all different.

OP posts:
Boireannachlaidir · 13/04/2020 10:19

I think he's probably just finding this whole situation frustrating like the rest of us. If I'd had to spend most of my working day on the phone the last thing I'd want is a chat later, even with a loved one. Especially not if I had just cooked dinner and was tired.

I don't think he's married or up to anything. If you like him I think you need to respect we're not all the same and it doesn't mean he's not into you by not wanting to chat on a phone call/video call. By so means end it if you're not happy but I don't think he's done anything wrong here.

Original poster
SadSausage44 · 13/04/2020 10:43

I agree and definitely won't be ending it over the fact he's a bit (very) crap at calling me!!!

OP posts:
saraclara · 13/04/2020 10:46

You guys talk by text all day long. He's probably got nothing much to talk about, come evening,

Exactly!
Some people seem to be able to talk with nothing to talk about. I just can't! If I don't have something new to say, or something that's happened that the other person doesn't already know, I'm stumped!

Ever since I was a child, I've wondered how other people find random things to talk about! If I've been messaging someone frequently every day, than there's really nothing new to say on the phone, and that's when these horrible awkward gaps happen.

I'm not 100% a social idiot. I'm just not a chatterer.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/04/2020 11:22

I'm so glad to see so many other posters on here are so like me... I am not alone.. Grin

I have one that does that with facetime. It's fucking intrusive and demanding. She's taking a bit of training out of it. I don't mind chatting on the phone as I can crack on with housework but wanting my full attention people can piss off.

this comment hit the nail on the head for me.. and I agree Flowers

Mistystar99 · 13/04/2020 15:35

I hate chatting on the phone! I do it through gritted teeth and as little as possible. I would much rather text.

Sosadandempty · 13/04/2020 16:19

I also don’t think that not talking on the phone means anything sinister.

ChristmasFluff · 13/04/2020 16:28

People are completely missing the point here.

OP, you would like him to phone you. He says he doesn't like phone calls. When you called him, it was awkward. So they aren't happening.

This the future of your relationship - he doesn't care enough about you to even make a simple phone call to make you happy. When you love someone, when you are truly 'head-over-heels', you want them to be happy. Unless you are a 'my way or the highway' type.

Either way, it doesn't look good for your future relationship.

MasterCat · 13/04/2020 16:34

I honestly really hate talking on the phone. I wouldn't assume it's something sinister.

Me and DP of 10 years started as an LDR for 2 years and never spoke on the phone, we just emailed and texted every day.

I just hate it. Not everyone is the same!

Crackerscheesescabbyknees · 13/04/2020 16:47

Me. I hate talking on the phone, whereas my OH loves it. He's always up for a chat, especially if he's driving (and he commutes about 4 hours a day normally). I do try to be nice when he calls but I just can't be fucking bothered most of the time.
It makes me uncomfortable.

saraclara · 13/04/2020 17:38

OP's boyfriend, you're uncomfortable making phone calls. OP says she wants you to make phone calls. When you tried, it was awkward. But she still wants them to happen

This the future of your relationship - she doesn't care enough about you to accept that phone calls make you anxious. When you love someone, when you are truly 'head-over-heels', you want them to be happy. Unless you are a 'my way or the highway' type.

Either way, it doesn't look good for your future relationship.

See what happens when you turn your post around @ChristmasFluff?

Teawaster · 13/04/2020 17:42

I am also in lockdown and apart from my partner. When we first got together we used to text all the time . I hate talking to anyone on the phone , unless I have something specific to say . Just phoning for a chat fills me with dread .
However my partner found it a bit odd that we never talked on the phone as he regularly chatted to friends and family , whereas I had got completely out of the habit of talking by phone . Even at work there are few calls compared with 10 years ago . So we started to chat more and I have become a lot more comfortable with it . We have chatted even more since lockdown and it's been nice. However I think , even if I hadn't started to do a bit more phoning before lockdown, I think I would have made the effort as texting only for a long period of time would have seemed odd . So , I can understand why someone doesn't like talking by phone, I think it unusual that he doesn't want to during a time when it's not possible to meet

Original poster
SadSausage44 · 13/04/2020 18:19

So should I just leave it, not say anything and continue to feel a bit sad and confused? I feel like he is laying down some serious boundaries here that are making me feel uncomfortable, surely relationships are about meeting in the middle somewhere. It's ridiculous that I am now too scared to ask him for one 5 min call a week... I am actually taking it a bit personally. We have incredibly intimate text talk, were making plans for the future, I just want to know the reason he's not calling, it's not me, it's him, I kind of want him to explain that to me. He is not at all a great communicator.....He knows I had a horrendous time with ex and his cheating and lying. This complete lack of hearing his voice, knowing he wants to hear mine, even briefly is ringing alarm bells. Maybe I've got too much time on my hands, he has an insanely busy full time job and coparents 3 kids. One of the reasons he really liked me in the first place was that I didn't make great demands on him or was clingy or needy. This needing him to call me is making me feel vulnerable and I don't like it Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
SadSausage44 · 13/04/2020 18:21

Sorry, not needing him to call, feeling like we can just have a quick chat on the phone every now and again....

OP posts:
Original poster
SadSausage44 · 13/04/2020 18:21

But, he was like this from the beginning.... I guess when I could see him it wasn't such a big deal at all.

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 13/04/2020 18:36

It also could be his way of coping with not seeing you, as an example when my son was very young I was away from him a lot.
It took a long time to understand and make peace with why I didn’t talk about him that much, call and check on him, ask about him, want pics etc.
My coping mechanism is to deal with what I can, right here and now. And if I can’t deal with it (like missing someone) I totally block them out of my mind as much as possible so it doesn’t hurt so much.
If he’s falling for you, like you’ve said and I’m sure that’s the case then this could be a coping mechanism

Original poster
SadSausage44 · 13/04/2020 18:57

Thank you, I hope you're right and that's what I'm hoping for!

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 13/04/2020 19:04

Feel for you. My now husband was like this on the phone when we were dating before we lived together and more than once I nearly called it off as I became convinced he wasn't that into me. Whenever we saw each other face to face it was fine. This is a tough situation - you need to talk to him about how emotionally you need him to give a bit more on the phone otherwise if this goes on for a while it could spoil the relationship for good

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