He doesn't like talking on the phone?

[SadSausage44]

Hi everyone any opinions/input please?

I'm currently in lockdown a couple of hundred miles away from a man I've been dating for approximately 6 months. Met on tinder and have fallen head over heels for each other. He has 3 children with his ex so we were seeing each other every other weekend and a day or so during the week. My daughter is grown and doing her own thing.
His kids/ex don't know about me yet, which is fine by me, he always said it would be at least 6 months before he even thought about introducing a new partner to his children, so meeting the children was something that would probably have been begun to be discussed around now if the bloody virus hadn't happened.

Anyway, from the start, he's never been one for talking on the phone. Lots of texts, but general chit chat, calling and chatting on the phone, from the start, never really happened. That was fine with me because we were seeing each other regularly.
So, because of his childcare arrangements and social distancing and then me coming to my family home a few weeks ago as I couldn't cope with lockdown on my own, I haven't seen him for about a month now.

I have spoken to him twice in over 2 weeks, once at my instigation as in I said 'fancy a chat later babes' which was fine and then about a week later I just called him as I knew he was home alone, not with kids etc.
He was a bit off on the phone, I didn't realise he'd just made his dinner and had been on phone all day for work. I texted him after a slightly awkward call saying hey, felt a bit awkward, don't want to feel like I'm hassling you,but I did, we haven't spoken for 6 days, if you'd rather not chat on the phone because you're tired etc just let me know.
His job at the mo consists of talking on the phone all day every day, so I get it if he doesn't want to chat all the time but.... not at all?
I will usually wake up to a lovely good morning text and the text throughout the day, lots and lots of serious sexting, chat, zero calls.
I miss his voice, he knows I'd like to chat more. I'm certainly not going to demand he calls me if he doesn't want to.
Does anyone have experience of being with someone who is massively affectionate and lovely in person but just shit on the phone?
I feel like we need to hear each other's voices occasionally to get through being apart from each other for so long.
I have to add he's my first relationship after a 15 year marriage breakdown where exhtb cheated on me and blew my whole world apart a year ago so I'm perhaps a bit over sensitive and I'm definitely a bit scared of getting hurt again.
Thanks for reading everyone, I'd love to know what people think!!!

I'm rubbish on the phone. I'm fine with admin stuff that involves calling strangers, but terrible if I need to call friends and even relatives. I'm not good at small talk and I hate the awkward silences.

Thanks SaraClara.
He's such a great guy, we've had an amazing 6 months. Really struggling with this weird no talking stuff.
He is very different to me. He was ill a few weeks ago and just wanted to be on his own to recover, where as I want tea and sympathy! I'm a chatterbox and he's a bit more introverted.
Hopefully all will be ok!

Think you might be right about him being in the family home over isolation. Something isnt right me thinks. Maybe theres more than one woman on the scene.

I've worked in call centre roles and its true that you get home at the end of your day and just want to shut the world out lol. But I'd still call the person I was seeing, several times per week, without prompting. Especially in times like these. So being on the phone all day just isnt an excuse to avoid calling someone you care about.

I'd do a little more fb snooping if I were you. If he is staying with his ex for example, she may post something.

The problem is, you do like talking on the phone. So he should make more of an effort. Perhaps not at the end of a work day when he is tired and been on the phone all day but at the weekend. If it's important to you he should compromise. I'd ask for a FaceTime date and ask him to set aside an hour so you can have a drink and a chat, even if you aren't saying much, just being 'in the room' together.

I think alot of people are suspicious because they have been burned in the past and project that onto other situations. Entirely natural, although it doesn't mean their suspicions are correct.

I can talk on the phone for work if I need to, or I can call to sort out insurance or other formal phone calls, but I absolutely detest every second of it, really can't abide talking on the phone, but I'm getting paid for it, at least work related.

I work away, normally two weeks a month and for the first year of our relationship, I would only call my partner if I was somewhere where I had to pay for mobile data, and that would be using the work phone. Otherwise, I would happily message back and forth all day on what'sapp. In my mind, you can talk about your day and all the other small talky things, without having the awkwardness of it being over a phonecall.

About a year in, I kind of agreed to a long phonecall a week, which overtime has pretty much progressed to a video call every night or every other night. I STILL don't like it particularly, but I could see how much it meant to my partner and that the support it gave her outweighed the discomfort I felt.

If he's not used to this kind of personal communication, as opposed to having to do it for work, it may take him a while to come around to it.

Thanks guys.
I found his ex on fb but it's private. They aren't mutual friends and her profile pic is her and a friend.
There's one profile pic of them together but from 5 years ago.
Tbh I'd rather he just told me if he's back at the family house.
I coparented my daughter and often stayed at her dad's after we'd split absolutely no reason other than convenience so I get it.

Thanks FrothyB.
I wish my judgement wasn't so skewed from my ex fucking with my head for several years! I cannot work this out but my spidey sense says something is a bit off.
Not even cheating etc but just perhaps a bit selfish. Maybe I'm playing the cool chick a bit too much and need to be a bit more demanding.

One of the things I loved about DP when we met was that he loved speaking with me on the phone. He could do that of course as he's genuine so he doesn't have the problem of another woman possibly over-hearing him. Your man, now - even if he's not with his ex (although he probably is) he's with someone, and that's why he's not doing phone calls with you. Text is ok as it doesn't involve speaking aloud so its easy enough to text you from bathroom for instance. What kind of relationship is based on texts anyway - now that you're apart he doesn't even want to hear your voice and/or facetime you so that in itself tells you something. It's horrible really but what can you do. Don't put up with it, back off for a while don't immediately reply to his texts. See what happens but you might find he drifts away

I think it's a bit odd. I hate talking on the phone generally, prefer not to even call and order a takeaway, but if I'm seeing someone and I feel I know them well, I would want to chat by phone, I wouldn't feel uncomfortable doing that

I find it weird how much people on MN hate talking on the phone 😂 but then I guess most on MN don’t even like answering the door. Personally if I’m dating someone I would want to speak to them on the phone, especially if we weren’t seeing each other in a while. I wouldn’t be content with just texting. I would find it odd as well op. Surely if you are dating someone you would want to speak to them? I don’t get “hating” talking to someone on the phone that you are dating.

Been with my fella for 5 months, met on PoF. His ex and kids don’t know about me yet which is fine, his friends and family do, I’ve met them. Stay at his place, know he’s not married.

We NEVER speak on the phone. NEVER.

I wake to a sweet message in the morning, we text constantly, send eachother things we see, sext, photos etc but nope, no phone calls.

We both have to use the phone for work and hate it, I find it really awkward and if I can communicate another way I will!

Xxx

The only person I do speak to at length on the phone is my dad, because he has no other way of contact. My brother likes the phone but I’ll avoid a long convo if I can, prefer to text/email.

I am not on Facebook. Cant believe people presume that's automatically suspicious. I just dont like it and never have

Probably the same people that believe if a man leaves a relationship he has another woman because obviously being miserable isn't enough reason in it's own for a man but fine for a woman.

Last relationship...5 hour telephone conversations. Present relationship 5 minute telephone conversations. Everyone is different. Depends on what's being communicated. My ex and I were together 37 years and never stopped talking. Didn't stop the relationship from ending though. Question for myself, how can someone be too tired to talk on the phone?

I hate talking on the phone and not on fb. But is there a reason you are having some doubts about this? Usually our intuition is pretty good.

Been with my guy for 6 months, he lives 2 hours away. He is in his 60s and FaceTimes me daily, texts and calls. It’s tough being away from each other but to us it’s important we see each other via FaceTime. So much can be misconstrued over text or phone call as you aren’t seeing the full picture. We are in the older bracket and he is great at making me feel calm and supported through this. Perhaps you need to explain clearly to him how important he is to you and how important it is for you to hear his voice. This whole situation will make us better communicators I think and you need to speak up with what you want. Leave him to step up and give you what you need. Don’t chase.

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years, both divorced, both co-parent well with our ex's and spend time with them as well as the kids, both mid-40s. We are totally in love and he is warm, loving, affectionate, thoughtful etc etc- Usually see eachother once a week, sometimes twice, sometimes not depending on our schedules with our kids. In all the time we've been together we've probably spoken on the phone no more than about 10 times, we have had periods where we haven't seen eachother for 3 weeks before and only communicated by text. Whilst talking on the phone can be a nice way to feel connected it totally doesn't mean there's something wrong with the relationship or suspicious if you don't.

Also agree with PP, if it's not working for you, while it doesn't mean he's up to something, you do need to have an open and frank discussion with him so he understands that it is something important to you.

I’ve just ended a friendship because my friend kept insisting that we talk on the phone. I’d get random phone calls when I was busy, and the more I answered - the more frequent the calls would get. So I stopped answering - and she took it really personally. The calls would last about an hour, it was really hard to end them- and I just felt like my energy was being zapped. I’m NOT a phone person, I’m quite introverted - but texting and face-to-face is fine! I don’t think he’s being sinister - and his ex will always be in the picture because of their children. I’d hold back and focus on other things. Being too clingy will put him off.

I see phone calls for making appointments and things that are necessary. Any conversation that lasts more than 5 minutes drives me insane!

I have had relationships in the past which have been so based on texting as the primary medium of communication that calls have been rare, and basically unnecessary because there's nothing left to say. You could try toning down this all day stream of texts? Or say "in the middle of something - speak to you later" (more tricky during lockdown I guess).
It doesn't sound that sinister to me either, but if he is aware that you want to speak more often, he should be making more of an effort.

I don't think it sound suspicious. You're opposites. You like people around you when you're feeling needy and he doesnt feel that when he's ill and whatever.

If someone talks on the phone all day, I'd totally understand not wanting to do it when they get home. It wears you out.

There's nothing wrong with either of you. If you're more demanding he'll peg you as high maintenance and maybe not worth the hassle atm and it's perfectly fine for you to want to be higher on his priority list. Maybe you're not suited.

It doesn't have to mean he's fucking about or lying ffs

I’ve just ended a friendship because my friend kept insisting that we talk on the phone. I’d get random phone calls when I was busy

I have one that does that with facetime. It's fucking intrusive and demanding. She's taking a bit of training out of it. I don't mind chatting on the phone as I can crack on with housework but wanting my full attention people can piss off.

I’d also say that - as an introvert - my relationship works with DP because he doesn’t need things from me, and allows me to be independent and have my own space. It’s different because we live together but our phone communication minimal (and I think it always has been??). If he ever sent me texts calling me ‘babes’ or asking unnecessary stuff - we probably wouldn’t be together. So it may not work because your personalities are different - but neither of you are at fault.

It could be that he genuinely doesn’t like chatting on the phone - however most people I know who are on the phone a lot for work are entirely comfortable on the phone when not at work.

Or it could be that the relationship is starting to wane. Six months isn’t very long if you’ve only spent every other weekend together. Long distance relationships are hard enough without a global pandemic being involved.

It could be a case of out of sight, out of mind. You both need to be equally invested to keep a long distance thing going.