Need a hand hold - finally told my mother to FUCK OFF

[Finallybloodydoneit]

NC but people might recognise some content from previous posts.

I’m shaking as I type this. I’m crying but I feel calm, and I feel relieved. Here is what my childhood looked like:

My parents divorced when I was 6 and my mother spiralled out of control. She was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. She used to get drunk and scream she didn’t love me. She used to wake me up and pack my bags and say my father was coming to take me, but she had not called him, all so she could say “ha! He doesn’t want you either”. I can remember being about 9 years old and having to wee on the floor of my room as I was so scared of going out of my room to the loo, as she was out there. I tried to kill myself several times as I was so unhappy. Once she suspected I had OD’ and just laughed about it with one of my brothers. She sober used to say she just didn’t want to spend time with me as she didn’t like me.

Anyway, I have been just putting up with her bullshit as an adult for years. She treats me differently to my brothers, they are slightly older and had quite a different childhood to me as they joined in with the drinking or were teenagers on another floor of the house (were subjected to the noise of her sexual encounters either etc etc). They suffered too, yes, and one isn’t speaking to her really. But they have dealt with it by sticking firmly to her side/ganging up against me.

Anyway, since I met my husband and had a baby, I have just gained confidence and don’t need to seek her approval in the same way. This has caused a LOT of up and downs. One minute I’ve been fine with her, the next I’ve overreacted to something she has done. Lots of explosions on both sides.

Finally, she and my brothers decided to turn on me at lunch one day, and start complaining about DH. It just became, for some reason, the final straw for me. The whole situation escalated. She refused to apologise. Things got worse and worse and worse.

Today I have received abusive message after abusive message. Accusing me of being angry with the world. I’m
Not angry with the world. I’m happy. I love my life.

It just dawned on me.. I AM ANGRY WITH HER!!!!!! And I have every right to me!!! I wrote a little list of some things I suffered in my childhood and told her to

FUCK
OFF

I have blocked her on WhatsApp. I just need a bit of emotional support on here really - DH knows all this and v supportive but not friends, and MN has been fantastic with all of my other posts. Do I block her everywhere else too? Do I block my brothers, who are bound to go flying monkey?

I feel so relieved.

Sorry for the long post

Beware of her flying monkeys contacting you shortly

That’s a common thing. Your subconscious is processing.

When I dreamt about my ex (broke my heart) I would hit him will all my might and he would just laugh at me because it barely connected.

I knew I was over him when I eventually hit him and he was shocked.

Never dreamt about him again after that.

Plus you are pregnant. I had nightmares with my dd.

So, a bit of a funny one. Thought I’d post here as everyone has been so kind and helpful! I didn’t block my siblings as wanted to give them the chance to not disgrace themselves. Hadn’t heard anything/no nastiness no flying monkeys, which surprised me a lot. Not sure if it’s because she didn’t want to share my message with them or because she told them just I told her to fuck off without context. God knows. Doesn’t matter anyway.

One brother has replied to an Instagram story I did, with a sweet emoji. Not sure if I respond as it’s positive or I

Oops posted too soon! Or if I leave it as it’s a bit soon and surely he knows what’s happened/it’s only an emoji so doesn’t warrant a response?

Well done op! My dh is nc with his parents and siblings and couldnt be happier! Toxic people learn to manipulate you over the years and I think having your own dc and wanting better for them can break their hold over you! Look to the future, focus on the present and never go back 🍾🥂

It's just an emoji, personally I'd leave it.

You'd not respond if a mate posted it (I presume), so no need to now.

Sounds like maybe you finally standing up to your dm has put the shakers on your brothers and they are tip toeing around you; fantastic, lets let's hope they continue to be nice as well as you wont put up with unhelpful negative people....

No need to comment on it.

If they are still in contact and dancing her tune, I would be careful what contact you have and how much information they get.

They will probably pass a lot of that information on.

So if they are, don’t allow them information you dont want her knowing

100% don’t comment. It’s interesting that it is bothering you. It tells me that you are “still in the game” - you are anxious and watching trying to read what’s happening with your DM - has she told them etc.

That’s understandable. Just be careful that the hyper-vigilance is to protect yourself and create distance and strong boundaries - not some urge for revenge and game playing.

The emotional status you are looking to achieve is “indifference” - not being preoccupied about what emotional manoeuvre your DM is engaged in. Of course you need all of the practical stuff ready to employ on your “rule book” and this will get added to and adapted as things crop up.

I would look to minimise or halt your SM use right now both posting and reading for a few months - because you are in a delicate phase of growing your boundaries and these are v vulnerable to failure.

You need to emotionally turn your back on your family and although physically you have done it SM leaves you virtually still wide open and exposed.

They need to know nothing about your life - they feed off it and will negatively spin / twist anything and you don’t need to see or be triggered into any emotion by anything they post.

@Aussiebean that is a very good point. For example I am estranged from one of my siblings and one of my parents tells the sibling everything about my life and even sends pics of my dc who they havent met and don't bother with! It makes me so angry but I don't know what to do about it!

*@Yesterdayforgotten I would be tempted to ask parents not to share things again and if they do stop telling them stuff about the children or sending photos so there is nothing to share and then go from there.

Thanks @SunshineCake I tried but the parent in question is a good liar and will tell me she hasn't sent pics or isnt saying anything because she is apparently staying well out of it but I don't believe it.
It is so hard as it is my dm and she knows about my life and the dc and I can't keep her out of it.
I guess I have to accept what she is saying but rne problem is I would never find out properly if she is lying. The other day she sent me a pic of my own dc (one of the ones i had sent her previously that day) and it had my sibling's WhatsApp pic under; it is confusing but she had somehow manged to forward them both together so i called her out and she said she couldn't work her phone and made excuses but I know she was lying. I just hope she doesnt do it again because I have made my feelings clear.
Anyway sorry op dodnt mean to hijack your thread!

Good for you! It may feel upsetting but I bet the weight is gone from your shoulders.

Being family doesn't give someone the right to treat you like shit.

@Yesterdayforgotten

You aren’t Hijacking at all! It’s a great place to discuss your own problems here, as everyone is so supportive, and everyone understands. I’m so sorry that you are experiencing your own family trauma. I agree with posters who are telling me to limit what my siblings can see, and I urge you to do the same with your mother, as she clearly isn’t respecting your wishes.

Agree with everyone - won’t reply as nothing to say, and will limit what he sees because he definitely can’t be trusted. He has tried to weasel information out of me before on her behalf/passed it on when asked not to.

@Yesterdayforgotten
i would suggest not sending photos, cant you visit her? Video calling maybe? My parents dont know much about my work, my friends, and many things i do, yet we still manage to chat about random things in life... Just because she's your mum doesnt mean she needs to know everything

*@Yesterdayforgotten it must be hard but your feelings and your children come before her. She is lying to you. Don't give her the ammunition. Decide what is more important to you.

@Finallybloodydoneit thank you so much, I appreciate that. Yes I think you are doing the right thing by limiting this when they have hurt you in the past. It's awful how family can hurt us in this way isnt it?!

@Hannah021 thanks, I dont tell her everything but this is making me want to become even more distant. Me and dm have always had a trying relationship but since the estrangement with my sibling I feel like I need to keep her a little more at arms length which is ashame. Before all of this we had been repairing our relationship but this message she sent by mistake has made me weary again.
If it wasnt for my dc I would prob keep low contact but I dont want to ruin their relationship with her. They see her once a week and her flat is not baby proof and very small so she tends to come over to ours.

I had (have) an emotionally abusive alcoholic mother who made my life a misery for many years. I'm now VLC and my life is better for it. Sending a hug- it's very hard for those who haven't experienced it to understand xx

@SunshineCake that is a very good way of looking at it. I am so proud of my DC I often send her pics but I never thought for one second she would be sending them to my sibling until that mistaken whatsapp message. Since then I have felt angry as she knows how hurt I am by my sibling's behaviour towards me and my dc.
I wont send any more to her and vid call instead. Gosh families arent straight forward are they, mine and dh's are the epitome of dysfunction!

@emmetgirl so sorry that must have been traumatic. We are nc with dh's parents due to emotional abuse and nc with his sibling (he used to side with dh's parents and was very jealous of dh and funny with him eg. Never bothered to come and see our first born son etc). Then there is my sibling who is estranged and has been difficult and not bothered with my dc etc and then my dm who I want contact with but she causes me issues and isn't very supportive. My df is lovely but had a drink problem and mental health issues so it vulnerable and I do my best to support him.

is*

I get the being proud and wanting to share. I'm the opposite. Desperate for my mother to know nothing, she abandoned me as a baby, but ruined every happy placement I had and I've not seen her in nearly thirty years. My dd was desperate to go on a tv programme and eventually I said yes when it was her last chance as I realised I couldn't let my child miss out because of something my mother had done.