Need a hand hold - finally told my mother to FUCK OFF

[Finallybloodydoneit]

NC but people might recognise some content from previous posts.

I’m shaking as I type this. I’m crying but I feel calm, and I feel relieved. Here is what my childhood looked like:

My parents divorced when I was 6 and my mother spiralled out of control. She was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. She used to get drunk and scream she didn’t love me. She used to wake me up and pack my bags and say my father was coming to take me, but she had not called him, all so she could say “ha! He doesn’t want you either”. I can remember being about 9 years old and having to wee on the floor of my room as I was so scared of going out of my room to the loo, as she was out there. I tried to kill myself several times as I was so unhappy. Once she suspected I had OD’ and just laughed about it with one of my brothers. She sober used to say she just didn’t want to spend time with me as she didn’t like me.

Anyway, I have been just putting up with her bullshit as an adult for years. She treats me differently to my brothers, they are slightly older and had quite a different childhood to me as they joined in with the drinking or were teenagers on another floor of the house (were subjected to the noise of her sexual encounters either etc etc). They suffered too, yes, and one isn’t speaking to her really. But they have dealt with it by sticking firmly to her side/ganging up against me.

Anyway, since I met my husband and had a baby, I have just gained confidence and don’t need to seek her approval in the same way. This has caused a LOT of up and downs. One minute I’ve been fine with her, the next I’ve overreacted to something she has done. Lots of explosions on both sides.

Finally, she and my brothers decided to turn on me at lunch one day, and start complaining about DH. It just became, for some reason, the final straw for me. The whole situation escalated. She refused to apologise. Things got worse and worse and worse.

Today I have received abusive message after abusive message. Accusing me of being angry with the world. I’m
Not angry with the world. I’m happy. I love my life.

It just dawned on me.. I AM ANGRY WITH HER!!!!!! And I have every right to me!!! I wrote a little list of some things I suffered in my childhood and told her to

FUCK
OFF

I have blocked her on WhatsApp. I just need a bit of emotional support on here really - DH knows all this and v supportive but not friends, and MN has been fantastic with all of my other posts. Do I block her everywhere else too? Do I block my brothers, who are bound to go flying monkey?

I feel so relieved.

Sorry for the long post

You are going to have to work hard at keeping your mum and brothers blocked. I have no doubt you really want to see if she has responded or if your brothers have got involved. Its hard to stop a cycle that is so engrained. Stay strong

OH well done, I remember your last post.
The brothers have had money for houses if I remember rightly.
I sincerely hope your father gets the legal side sorted & you get a massive cheque at her expense. she has stolen from you your whole life on top of the appalling abuse.
Never ever let that woman anywhere near your DC again. she will do everything she can to turn them against you.
You might want to get a camera doorbell, so that you can refuse to answer the door when they come knocking.

I was hoovering earlier which unfortunately gave me time to think (fucking stupid housework! Never again) - and I just feel so enraged and sad and conflicted about how she was trying to say to me yesterday this patronising twaddle about how I’m just so angry, and how my life is great why can’t I be happy and enjoy that instead of being in battle mode all the time etc (this was in between messages calling me cruel, nasty, a bully!!!! She actually told me to look up DARVO, which would have been hilarious if it weren’t so gaslighting and shockingly impossible.) she was sending me nasty messages and insults then telling me MY messages were unpleasant, and couldn’t see the irony.

Anyway I feel annoyed as I’m not sure I articulated properly (and I’ve deleted the messages so can’t remember exact wording), that I AM happy with my life! That SHE is the fucking problem! That I’m in battle mode around HER and I’ve been conflicted and unable to express my emotions calmly and rationally towards her and my family at times because there has always been this huge level of frustration under the service, bubbling over.

@Mix56

2 of them received 100k for their business purposes, and all 3 of them have lived rent free for 5 or so years in flats she owns. DH and I once lived in one of her flats but we of course paid full rent. No body seemed to think that this was unfair.

Well done OP! I'm not a weepy type at all, but your description of your childhood brought a tear to my eye. Don't let her worm her way back in. Enjoy seeing how happy you are without her poison.

You have done brilliantly Finally and this work started 6 years ago when you had therapy for the abusive partner - think back to what you learnt then.

Your DM sounds like she has a PD and is an alcoholic. These are both progressive diseases that get worse and worse over time. By now her paranoid, pickled brain is so polluted and saturated by alcohol that her disordered thinking is permanent. She has brain damage nothing you say or do will elicit a sane response - in fact the opposite - opening your mouth is like poking the hornets nest.

So you have done exactly the right thing by taking yourself out of punching distance.

She also lives in a toxic soup of relationships - so even your “nicer” brothers will not be aware that they are part of the dysfunctional dynamics.

I would block each and every one of them in each and every way. I would be ready with a “rule book” to refer to when the inevitable “hoovering” tactics come in to play and I would also emotionally arm myself for all of the milestones in the next year which will sting (birthdays, Xmas etc) even though you have decided to be NC. Because the child in you will always have some sort of fleeting sub conscious fantasy that your DM will swoop in with massive apologies. This is because this relationship trauma happened to you as a child and the child's brain always has to believe that the parent will come good because their physical survival depended on it. You can consciously switch these feelings to a grief for the mothering you didn’t get.

I would also be hyper-vigilant for different flying monkeys coming out of the woodwork. You may not recognise them at first - different friends, family, neighbours - NEVER talk about the situation with anyone.

Your motivation now is to hold firm through any inevitable and painful waves of FOG which often arise is that any emotional energy or mental preoccupation that you have to expend on her antics is less time and energy you have to love your DC because you can’t be in 2 emotional places at once.

She stole and destroyed your childhood - don’t let her steal your motherhood and your marriage - because that is what they have started to attack.

Take it day by day, week by week, month by month, season by season, year by year.

To survive you need to cut off all sources of info about them because that will trigger hurt. So if a friend says “I saw that x,y,z.....” just stop them and say you don’t want to know. Because bits of info can become a bit of a hook/obsession and before you know it you are back in the game even if at a distance.

Actively fill your life with positives - new people, hobbies, distractions etc because you will find you will have freed up a lot ornaments headspace.

Well done and good luck.

@Gutterton

I’m saving your post on my phone to refer to - it’s really excellent and I appreciate you taking the time. Thank you so much. My second son is due in a few months so I know that will be a particularly emotional and difficult time, and I have steeled myself for that as I certainly do not want her or feelings around her to ruin the enormous happiness for me.

When you say “rule book”, do you mean something I come up with myself, or do you mean something like toxic parents (which I’ve been advised to read but have not yet so not sure if there is a guide in there to follow)?

I would research “the rules” either via that book, online or on MN because there will be many scenarios that you haven’t considered.

One is post. You should never read it so either destroy it or ask a friend to read it and if there is malicious content and you get a few you should report her.

Same with gifts. I would ask a friend to open and either bin or send to a charity shop - not telling you what it was. Don’t “return to sender” because this is still a reaction and will feed her.

Likely a message about a “crisis” or health scare - “legal issue” may be real - most likely invented. Just have a response: I am not interested. Do not contact me again.

Flying monkeys: “Stop. I don’t want to hear / or No I will not answer that question or engage in conversation about x”

Doorstepping: Get a ring door bell. Do not open the door to any of them. Text to leave your property immediately or you will call the police.

Be aware if she knows you or your DH movements - work etc. They might try to make contact there (phone, parcel, in person) - sane actions as above.

If you see any of them in the street / supermarket just carry on ahead.

If there is a family wedding/funeral/event this year that they are at I would make excuses not to attend (baby) because in the first year you will be v vulnerable and this is the time that you are healing and growing a new defensive skin. Make sure your DH and trusted friends are on board.

@Gutterton

Thank you so much!

Also keep private - don’t share any info on SM because they will be feeding off this. And with any distant relatives keep info vanilla and grey rock.

The main rule is that there is never a reason to engage.

Also another one that I had to consider recently was that I would have to sacrifice some other nicer (distant) family members relationships as collateral damage as it became to complicated and too much risk - so I have withdrawn from these relationships as I don’t want them to have to take sides.

Also be ready for smear campaigns and rise above it. Don’t try to present another side to the story. It’s futile and will only get back to the abusive person. Just close them down and show indifference. “I have no comment on the opinions of a rabid, abusive, alcoholic”

You might actually enjoy the birth of your child because you know you don’t have to be in contact with her, don’t have to mange her feelings or act according to her wishes.

You can be with your new baby and your family and be solely about them.

Agree with Aussiebean imagine all of that headspace that will be free to be filled with love, joy, positivity and optimism for your lovely little family once the clutter of their toxicity and mind games has been swept out.

Yes. Yes, it’s very true. She invited herself to the birth of my first born. I acquiesced as usual (for approval), and then faced a lot of grief as I had to explain to her if she was drunk she could not come, so to just be aware of that. This of course was seen as me “weaponising”
The birth, and all her friends etc saying How controlling it was of me.

It was literally because I didn’t want someone trying to insist upon coming along after 3 bottles of wine, nor did I want the fall out if she wasn’t allowed to be there! There was so much “silly mummy not doing X right” and “DS is difficult because of how you parent him” “you are making a rod for your own back” - all the classics. Very much not looking forward to that again. It’s sad though as she has really doted on my son, but it’s clearly because the young age is one she seeks love from. I’ve no doubt if he grew older and wasn’t as loving he would also be subjected to similar.

Wow she has absolutely no boundaries.

Don’t be fooled by the love for your DS - that was for her own benefit - she sees him as a teddy bear. It’s only ever one way with these types.

A good grandmother demonstrates love by encouraging, supporting and praising the mother - not ridiculing a criticising.

What you have both said about her feelings towards your little one rang a bell. Why did my mother want, and expect to get, access to my children when she had been a shit mother? It then went on to remind me how my fathers mother had told me my mother was a good mother to me when I was small. "She kept me clean." I must be missing something if that makes her a good mother.

@SunshineCake

I’m sorry - what a crazy bar to set for “good mother”.

There may at some point be legal correspondence. so get someone to vet the post before burning. (there may a cheque one day !)
She will eventually threaten to cut you out of her will, be ready for that.

She will eventually threaten to cut you out of her will, be ready for that

This is one thing I really, REALLY do not care about!!!

Well done! My mum cut off her parents who were abusive alcoholics and the stories she told me were horrendous. She cut them off when she had a family because she didn't want them affecting us. However, I'm proudest of my mum because she put an end to the emotional damage they were doing to her.

Please stay strong - I remember the cards coming through the door for my birthday that upset my mum because she recognised the writing and the way she reacted to them. She always carried them at arms length and put them in the bin unopened. I understood - I knew they had given her a childhood no one should endure.

My mum gets really annoyed by people who excuse their behaviour because of their upbringing - she says that if you recognise that your parents were abusive you can choose not to repeat it. It sounds to me that you are very similar and determined not to.

You don't have to have a relationship with her and that realisation can be very liberating - if you wouldn't put up with this shit from a stranger, why should you from someone who should have a vested interest in putting you first.

You are worth so much more than having to put up with her - give yourself a life you deserve by blocking her and any of her cronies. My mum has had so much more a life without either of her parents, without the obligation she felt to them and without the guilt of of them being inadequate and not caring enough. I am truely proud of her and aspire to have her strength of character.

OP you made my heart sing with your courageous actions. I think you did the right thing very much so. However you may feel waves of anger and frustration and despair coming over you at times so may I give you a tip to help? If you do ever feel overwhelmed by it all sit down quietly and write it down ..all the emotions all the questions all the anger .get it out of your system on paper then when you are done screw up the paper and set fire to it ...when its burned to nothing you will feel an immediate sense of release and relief. It works this technique and has served me well over the years.Just thought it might be helpful to you. Live your life now .I wish you well

lexijayde44
Your post has made me cry, you could be talking about my mother. She’s 93 and still doesn’t have a good thing to say about me. I wish I’d cut her off years ago.

Well done OP! You really are fantastic 💐

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe

That’s extremely helpful - thank you!!!

I could have written your post OP and I recall a few of yours. I went NC about 10 years ago and they've been the best of my life.

Well done

Having quite a lot of strong nightmares where I’m physically fighting with my mother 😨

That’s really important Finally - it’s your sub conscious still working away for you in your sleep feeling under threat. You will have likely experienced cPTSD due the childhood and ongoing trauma caused by your DM.

You have taken the first steps in moving away from the source of harm but now it’s important to support yourself to heal in a self compassionate way.

Often when we have stepped back and are not now fully engaged in dealing with active abuse we finally get to see and experience the full horror of it - same as flashbacks to a car crash. This is part of the healing process trying to understand what happened - but there will be lots of feelings of deep hurt, painful confusion and pure rage.

You might well be in shock right now coming to terms with what you have been through. You might well need some professional support to help you through so that you don't go down an unhealthy path or end up depressed.

Keep a journal of your feelings, behaviours, thoughts, sleep patterns etc. Cut yourself some slack and understand that this will also hurt - but in a different way, getting better and less intense each day with a beautiful end of emotional freedom and peace at the end.