Need a hand hold - finally told my mother to FUCK OFF

[Finallybloodydoneit]

NC but people might recognise some content from previous posts.

I’m shaking as I type this. I’m crying but I feel calm, and I feel relieved. Here is what my childhood looked like:

My parents divorced when I was 6 and my mother spiralled out of control. She was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. She used to get drunk and scream she didn’t love me. She used to wake me up and pack my bags and say my father was coming to take me, but she had not called him, all so she could say “ha! He doesn’t want you either”. I can remember being about 9 years old and having to wee on the floor of my room as I was so scared of going out of my room to the loo, as she was out there. I tried to kill myself several times as I was so unhappy. Once she suspected I had OD’ and just laughed about it with one of my brothers. She sober used to say she just didn’t want to spend time with me as she didn’t like me.

Anyway, I have been just putting up with her bullshit as an adult for years. She treats me differently to my brothers, they are slightly older and had quite a different childhood to me as they joined in with the drinking or were teenagers on another floor of the house (were subjected to the noise of her sexual encounters either etc etc). They suffered too, yes, and one isn’t speaking to her really. But they have dealt with it by sticking firmly to her side/ganging up against me.

Anyway, since I met my husband and had a baby, I have just gained confidence and don’t need to seek her approval in the same way. This has caused a LOT of up and downs. One minute I’ve been fine with her, the next I’ve overreacted to something she has done. Lots of explosions on both sides.

Finally, she and my brothers decided to turn on me at lunch one day, and start complaining about DH. It just became, for some reason, the final straw for me. The whole situation escalated. She refused to apologise. Things got worse and worse and worse.

Today I have received abusive message after abusive message. Accusing me of being angry with the world. I’m
Not angry with the world. I’m happy. I love my life.

It just dawned on me.. I AM ANGRY WITH HER!!!!!! And I have every right to me!!! I wrote a little list of some things I suffered in my childhood and told her to

FUCK
OFF

I have blocked her on WhatsApp. I just need a bit of emotional support on here really - DH knows all this and v supportive but not friends, and MN has been fantastic with all of my other posts. Do I block her everywhere else too? Do I block my brothers, who are bound to go flying monkey?

I feel so relieved.

Sorry for the long post

So sorry @SunshineCake how awful. It is your Mother's loss for missing out on not only her daughter but also her grandchild. I think having dc has made me and dh realise that we would never ever treat our children how some of our parents have treated us. I know it sounds cliche but some people really dont deserve children.
I have also noticed alot of people dont understand low contact or estrangement unless it has happened to them; they just don't get that not everything can be fixed just because it is family.
You ladies are all lovely and like op said very supportive.

Bit of a bizarre update:

We are having some external building work done in the garden. Our builder, who my mother recommended to us a few years ago (who is lovely and excellent), was minding his own business working in the front garden and my mother walked past (30 minutes ago) and started crying to him saying she’s never going to see DS again! He didn’t know wtf to do. I find it so so so weird that my brothers haven’t sent me any nasty or related messages, but that she is doing this sort of nonsense. Our poor builder!

Wow, the smear campaign has begun.

The builder will think she has dementia though.

@ShleeAnKree

Yes! When a PP mentioned a smear campaign I wasn’t bothered as I don’t really care if she slags me off to her friends: but I obviously underestimated how unhinged she is! I did not expect her to randomly slag me off to acquaintances and we live in the same village so god knows who else she is going play the victim to.

Imagine being faced with a list of abuse you inflicted on a child from age 6 and turning around and thinking YOU are hard done by 🤷🏻‍♀️🤪

Creepy - stalking your house!

This happened with a relative of mine. It went on for years and raised its head in many bizarre settings. Started going to my hairdresser, beauty therapist and seeking out MY friends to bleat on to.

It was v distressing when I was in situations eg mid wax, lunch date, root re-touch and someone would say “I saw your sister and she was v upset and said x,y,z” and I wasn’t expecting it. I just said “Sorry she involved you but it’s not appropriate for us to discuss this” Most people were able to drop it but one of my old school friends would bring it up each time we met until I v firmly said - this is not an area for discussion and I will just get up and leave if you don’t drop it.

But for the most part people were aware it was bizarre and inappropriate behaviour and that they were being emotionally wound up and manipulated.

This will be the intense period now so I would really lock down hard on every channel so that there is not a chink of light she can exploit.

@gutterton

Sounds horrendous. Unfortunately some people really enjoy this sort of scandal/gossip too so will encourage the confidences of said loony family members.

My builder was basically telling me my mother was upset and I should work it out with her! It’s frustrating - I’m clearly not going to share anything with him just it’s unpleasant to be thought of as some sort of bitch.

She's desperate for attention. Be prepared for the ramping up and eventual questions from your brothers to which you reply ""There's nothing more to discuss about this. I'm done."

Maybe warn the people you value and trust that she may pop up and turn on the waterworks. Give them a bit of background so they can be prepared.

But overall don't engage and if asked by people just say it's a very long story going back decades and you don't want to discuss it and youve already explained your reasons to your mother.

She's desperate for attention

Yes, this is true I’m sure! And trying to provoke a reaction. Which she won’t. As said as it is, all she’s doing is making it clear to me how little she understands or cares about what she has inflicted/how much she cares only about herself and her own feelings!

Maybe you need a clear sentence that you can say to people which shuts down conversation.

Something like

‘My mother was not a good mother growing up and I am seeing her treat my son in the same way. All attempts to make it better have not succeeded and I have withdrawn to protect my son. I have no desire to discuss this with anyone I am sure will understand.’

Maybe something shorter.

‘You don’t understand the full story and I don’t plan to discuss it with you. Thank you for understanding’

Yes agree that you could warn friends you trust that she is spewing and tell them that they have your permission to interrupt and cut her short if they want to. Also tell them that you don’t want to hear that she has called them or what she has said - because EVERYTHING will log in your brain and will have you turning it around - it can only ever hurt you or a best derail / distract you from moving forward with your life or drain you of energy that you need to focus on the good people in your life.

It is v hard detaching from an abusive parent RS - because you are by definition v enmeshed - she has no boundaries so it’s v important that you set yours and defend them v tightly because she doesn’t play by normal rules.

She’s now texted my husband to ask how DS is. Honestly what the fuck is wrong with this woman

Your DH needs to block her.

Just been catching up with the thread @Finallybloodydoneit this all sounds so stressful for you
I would suggest going silent on your mother and not returning cards if she is sending any and not saying anything more to her or giving her the reaction she is craving here.. We did that with dh's parents and they eventually got the message and have gone away; it did take abit time though and alot of creepy cards coming through. They would also stalk our house too and his df even went as far as buying the exact same car as dh and same colour so we didn't realise at first as they were blending in! They were so unhinged!

Didn’t your husband block her when you did ? don’t reply , she wants a reaction. Just block.

And agree with pp def block her on all social media if you havent already. We blocked dh's parents on WhatsApp too as as if you dont they can still see your profile pic changes.

You’ve done the right thing and you are brave

Practice your line for when people say something out of the blue - on the whole they are well meaning but just don’t understand. I have said to one friend - ‘you are lucky that you don’t understand what it’s like growing up with an abusive parent’

To others like the nice builder ‘thank you for your concern I know are you trying to be kind but I’m afraid you don’t know the whole situation.’ And then leave it there

It will get better x

She is poking you with a stick. She wants an emotional reaction from you - a fight, a response, anything will satisfy her need but will just feed her addiction for more drama.

Don’t feed her anything at all. Otherwise all of your progress is undone - but like snakes and ladders.

It’s an hour, by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month step by step process. Just keep moving forward, eyes straight ahead. It will probably take a whole year before you can feel properly detached - because she won’t leave you alone and expect “antics” from her at every milestone along the year - birthdays, Xmas, any excuse. Sounds like she will target your DC. Expect her to intercept him at nursery/school etc down the line. Be ready for that and warn the professionals.

I will of course just ignore ignore ignore. I can see she is trying to provoke a response.

DH is saying he doesn’t want to block her unless she is nasty to him

Ok DH has also blocked now

I agree, get your DH to block her.

Just have a standard response to anyone who's been in contact with her... a laugh and 'oh she's at it again, just ignore it she shouldn't be involving you, just remember there's two sides to every story' and leave it there. Don't even ask what she's said. If you can butt in before they tell you what she's been saying.

birthdays, Xmas, any excuse. Sounds like she will target your DC. Expect her to intercept him at nursery/school etc down the line. Be ready for that and warn the professionals

YY . Once we finally went NC with my mother she tried to target the children at primary school . We had already written to the school explaining that she had no contact with the children because she was abusive and a risk to them.

She turned up one day at the school gate ( during school hours ) with armfuls of gifts and told the them that she wasn’t allowed to see her GC and was so devastated and could they pass on the gifts.

It showed how stupid and out of touch she was. She honestly thought that she would be able to sit drinking tea and crying in the HT office telling her how awful we were.

Of course she only got the janitor who told her that If she didn’t leave he would have to call the police.

They never did it again. It’s the drama they want.

If you can butt in before they tell you what she's been saying.

This is v important advice because it will upset you and trigger you. You will have enough to deal with pushing her away, blocking her, holding your boundaries and then hearing that she has approached someone - that’s more than enough energy - you don’t need to hear the content. Assume it will be lies, spin, blame, histrionics, victim mode, manipulation - all of which will hurt you - like she has every day of your like.

Take yourself out of punching distance and emotionally protect yourself.

She's going to go 'down the list' of people you know; your DH, the iLs, friends, relatives. Up to you if you want to forewarn them.

I agree with a statement to be used to all of them. Maybe "Well, I'm sorry she's dragging you into this, that's really not fair to you. There's a lot more to it than she's probably told you and that's all I'm going to say about it. I've tried with her for a long time, but I finally reached the end of my tether. Please feel free to block her but whatever you choose I don't want to know or hear about it".

Love it I0NA sent off with a flea in her ear and her tail between her legs.

All these professionals sadly are well versed in the unhinged antics of abusive types with no boundaries. They deal with it frequently in a safeguarding capacity day in day out.

I had a fair bit of this with my dad, flying monkeys who would tell me 'it's your dad, blood is thicker than water, he is so upset, you should apologise' etc. When he had been totally out of order.

You have to do as previous posters say, immediately deflect, explain that there are two sides to the story, you & family have been really hurt by your mum's actions and that it's not fair that the other person has been dragged into it.