Need a hand hold - finally told my mother to FUCK OFF

[Finallybloodydoneit]

NC but people might recognise some content from previous posts.

I’m shaking as I type this. I’m crying but I feel calm, and I feel relieved. Here is what my childhood looked like:

My parents divorced when I was 6 and my mother spiralled out of control. She was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. She used to get drunk and scream she didn’t love me. She used to wake me up and pack my bags and say my father was coming to take me, but she had not called him, all so she could say “ha! He doesn’t want you either”. I can remember being about 9 years old and having to wee on the floor of my room as I was so scared of going out of my room to the loo, as she was out there. I tried to kill myself several times as I was so unhappy. Once she suspected I had OD’ and just laughed about it with one of my brothers. She sober used to say she just didn’t want to spend time with me as she didn’t like me.

Anyway, I have been just putting up with her bullshit as an adult for years. She treats me differently to my brothers, they are slightly older and had quite a different childhood to me as they joined in with the drinking or were teenagers on another floor of the house (were subjected to the noise of her sexual encounters either etc etc). They suffered too, yes, and one isn’t speaking to her really. But they have dealt with it by sticking firmly to her side/ganging up against me.

Anyway, since I met my husband and had a baby, I have just gained confidence and don’t need to seek her approval in the same way. This has caused a LOT of up and downs. One minute I’ve been fine with her, the next I’ve overreacted to something she has done. Lots of explosions on both sides.

Finally, she and my brothers decided to turn on me at lunch one day, and start complaining about DH. It just became, for some reason, the final straw for me. The whole situation escalated. She refused to apologise. Things got worse and worse and worse.

Today I have received abusive message after abusive message. Accusing me of being angry with the world. I’m
Not angry with the world. I’m happy. I love my life.

It just dawned on me.. I AM ANGRY WITH HER!!!!!! And I have every right to me!!! I wrote a little list of some things I suffered in my childhood and told her to

FUCK
OFF

I have blocked her on WhatsApp. I just need a bit of emotional support on here really - DH knows all this and v supportive but not friends, and MN has been fantastic with all of my other posts. Do I block her everywhere else too? Do I block my brothers, who are bound to go flying monkey?

I feel so relieved.

Sorry for the long post

Live your life and be happy. That's the biggest fuck off of all

I remember your past posts now op.
Well done.

Well done!

Please be aware of the following tactics:

• guilt trips
• gifts
• legal letters
• calls to the police
• hospital admission or life-threatening illness (cancer is a favourite)

The Stately Homes thread is worth joining, just for support.

Good luck and hug your kids close.

I am nearly in tears reading your post. How can a mother be so cruel !? I've just finished a busy day at work (nurse) and after the day I have had, trust me, life is too short to be surrounded with this kind of negatively. Block her, block your brothers and surround yourself with people who make you happy not angry! God I'm angry on your behalf, I can't imagine how you must feel after years of abuse!

Well done @Finallybloodydoneit

Sending solidarity and support

My DH cousins have done this. Two of them with a shitty horrible mum. Cousin 1 blocked her over 2 years ago. She's had a baby in this time and her mum has never seen her or will see her. Cousin 2 blocked last year and she didn't attend her wedding. They are both so so much happier now and they are doing amazingly!
Well done to you!

Bloody hell op well done you, it can't have been easy. None of that could have been easy

@Lexijayde44

It's just hard to see the closeness other people have with their mums

I know, I have the same situation. I'll never have a mum that I can have a normal mother-daughter relationship and that's hard. It sucks but I guess it makes us maybe appreciate how good a mother we can be to our kids.

OP, I remember your previous thread and want to say that you should be so proud of yourself. Heck, i don't know you and I'M proud of you.
It must feel as though a malignancy has been excised from your life, and now you can move onwards free from fear.
If you can do the same with your brothers too so much the better.
Wishing you happiness.

She sounds horrible and I would do the same thing in your position. All the best for your future and I hope you have a lovely life without this stress

I haven't read beyond your OP but want to say a big congratulations!

It took a lot of therapy for me to do what you've done. I did it 10 years ago and haven't regretted it for a minute.

Well done

My mothers highlights

Told me she had gone to get me aborted

Threatened suicide if I didn't invite her to my wedding

Tried to get access to my children

Haven't lived with her since I was in nappies and haven't seen her for 30: years yet she thought she could, had the right, to see my kids

@SunshineCake

I’m so sorry - that’s just shocking

She is still alive and kicking I gather.

I have also recently done the same from my abusive, alcoholic, narcissistic mother. The emotional blackmail will fall on deaf ears now. My father was also physically abusive and I lost most of my siblings for speaking up. But I feel like I can finally breathe!
I have a supportive husband and children and I regularly have councilling, which helps a great deal. You are very strong and I am very proud of you! Here's to a very happy future!

You suffered as a child, that was shit, but out of your control. You had a terrible childhood

You’ve just realised your a adult now and don’t need to suffer a terrible adulthood too-well done op.

I’m the same as you-awful childhood-I moves out at 18 and decided no way was my adulthood going to be the same- when I had my first child at 22 it was amazing-I spent time with her, playing with her, showering her in love to ensure she got what I didn’t- it was almost like a I got to live a bit of my childhood again for a few years as she was growing up and it was lovely- it did also brake my heart too, as I couldn’t see how someone could be so mean to a child that was theirs.

Well done op, and enjoy your new life!

Block block block. There is no room for toxic people in your life. And at a time like this when we are all assessing our lives and feeling how short it could be.. get rid of the poison and be happy.

18 years NC for me!

Best thing I ever did. I carried her shit on my shoulders for a very long time and when I finally let go it was amazing. Still lots of issues with in myself and dealing with the emotional fall out of her behaviour toward me which I had to deal with in my early 20s but years down the line I’m good and can see what a difference having her out my life made. I honestly don’t think I’d care if she passed away. Don’t be fooled in to thinking they will change. They don’t. About five years in I reluctantly seen her a few times and although she was on best behaviour at the beginning she shown her true colours pretty quickly so went back to NC.

Regarding your brothers - the damage has been done. Walk away from them too.

Well done - excellent work! Easter is, after all, the time for new life and new beginnings .

Block the rest of the circus too. If anyone has a door key, school pick up or GP access, passwords etc. change everything.

My dad cut off his whole messy abusive family over forty years ago to protect me from them. To this day he doesn't regret it and neither do I. I posted about this on one of the Stately Homes threads last year along the lines of 'don't feel you need to keep any contact for the sake of the children'.

"I suppose I'm posting to say that I am so very, very glad I was protected by my dad from his family. I am the adult your children will be."

"Dad told me bits at a time in an age appropriate way - so me at 5 asking 'why have I only got one gramdma?' had it explained I had two, but daddy's mummy isn't nice like mummy's mummy so we don't go to her house because nobody enjoys it there.'"

"If you ever doubt yourself with regard to keeping yourself and your children away from these people, know that this fortysomething is very glad my dad went NC - I have met a couple of cousins in recent years and Grandma fucked them up too, pitting siblings against each other in some very disturbing ways."

As others have said, expect sudden illness and massive drama to occur. It will all be noise and you can safely ignore it.

Enjoy your own family and keep on keeping on.

Hi OP, just wanted to say you’ve definitely done the right thing and total admiration for not letting this effect your happiness with your DH. I am by no means an expert but speaking from experience with my exDH, if you continue to maintain contact with this woman, it’ll eat you up and you up and it may come out in other ways which are self-destructive to yourself. You don’t want to end up siding with her, like your brothers (some people can’t separate themselves from it and end up becoming abusive themselves). It is her fault not yours, always believe that.

You sound amazingly strong.

Also, take comfort in the fact that not everyone has an amazing mother, some are good, some are downright shitty. Mine wasn’t great. Try not to compare.

Fuck yes. Get ‘em gone.

@Lexijayde44
plz dont feel that way, u'v done what was right at that time, you were young, with no support, and were still living at home... Imagine bringing up a child feeling the way u were feeling. Your child would have suffered. That time had its own issues and reasons... Now you have much more experience in life, comparing old us to new us is unfair to us.
i've never gotten over that my mum used to hit me and be angry at me and single me out thanks to my sister grassing on me all the time... But i know i was a difficult child who struggled to focus and had terrible hyperactivity, even my loving teacher would say she struggles to keep me in my seat lol... A lot of memories still hurt, and while my mum is much better now, i still struggle with her, cuz i cant look beyond favourism and her expressing likes for everyone else except me! Even now if we argue she naturally sides with the others, why is it difficult for her to stay out of it, i dont know! We are all in our 30s, im 35 in two days.

OP, may I add my congratulations to the many on here.
It’s vital now to stay firm. She and her flying monkeys (your brothers) will try to manipulate and emotionally blackmail you to regain control. Keep out of reach, keep them blocked.
I went no contact with my own abusive mother 30 years ago. I never regretted it for a moment. When she eventually died, I did not mourn her. I only mourned the normal loving mother that I never had.
Your mother has her own demons of alcoholism and narcissism, but they are not your problems, they are hers. And they have prevented her ever being able to function as a mother or loving parent in any sense of the word.
She would not magically turn into Mrs Wonderful if you ever tried to contact her again.
I think you now finally accept that. You did not cause her problems, you cannot cure them, and it is not your job. Your job is to protect yourself, your DH and your own wee family and live a happy life. Be the good parent that she never was, and break the cycle of abuse.
God bless you, OP.

Thank you everyone! Still feel very positive about it, after a night’s sleep etc! Also feel much lighter now that the “will
She won’t she message” feeling has gone! Hurrah

*@SliAnChroi - if that is to me she was alive at least three years ago and I have been married over 20 years. Bitchy as it may sound, I look forward to the day I find out somehow, don't know how I will, that she has died as then I can breathe out and stop worrying about her hurting my children.