Need a hand hold - finally told my mother to FUCK OFF

[Finallybloodydoneit]

NC but people might recognise some content from previous posts.

I’m shaking as I type this. I’m crying but I feel calm, and I feel relieved. Here is what my childhood looked like:

My parents divorced when I was 6 and my mother spiralled out of control. She was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. She used to get drunk and scream she didn’t love me. She used to wake me up and pack my bags and say my father was coming to take me, but she had not called him, all so she could say “ha! He doesn’t want you either”. I can remember being about 9 years old and having to wee on the floor of my room as I was so scared of going out of my room to the loo, as she was out there. I tried to kill myself several times as I was so unhappy. Once she suspected I had OD’ and just laughed about it with one of my brothers. She sober used to say she just didn’t want to spend time with me as she didn’t like me.

Anyway, I have been just putting up with her bullshit as an adult for years. She treats me differently to my brothers, they are slightly older and had quite a different childhood to me as they joined in with the drinking or were teenagers on another floor of the house (were subjected to the noise of her sexual encounters either etc etc). They suffered too, yes, and one isn’t speaking to her really. But they have dealt with it by sticking firmly to her side/ganging up against me.

Anyway, since I met my husband and had a baby, I have just gained confidence and don’t need to seek her approval in the same way. This has caused a LOT of up and downs. One minute I’ve been fine with her, the next I’ve overreacted to something she has done. Lots of explosions on both sides.

Finally, she and my brothers decided to turn on me at lunch one day, and start complaining about DH. It just became, for some reason, the final straw for me. The whole situation escalated. She refused to apologise. Things got worse and worse and worse.

Today I have received abusive message after abusive message. Accusing me of being angry with the world. I’m
Not angry with the world. I’m happy. I love my life.

It just dawned on me.. I AM ANGRY WITH HER!!!!!! And I have every right to me!!! I wrote a little list of some things I suffered in my childhood and told her to

FUCK
OFF

I have blocked her on WhatsApp. I just need a bit of emotional support on here really - DH knows all this and v supportive but not friends, and MN has been fantastic with all of my other posts. Do I block her everywhere else too? Do I block my brothers, who are bound to go flying monkey?

I feel so relieved.

Sorry for the long post

@PippaPegg

Thank you for the positivity, and well done!

I think you are doing extremely well. Your response to the builder was the right one; calm and assertive and also diplomatic.

I suggest that the same approach is needed when you meet your mum in the street, or if she kicks off.

You can say something like “ I have not felt valued by you and some of your actions. To look after myself and my family I need to have a time of not seeing you. Please respect my wishes”. This is putting the onus on you and your own needs. Similarly, your brothers understand what has been done to you; by sticking up for yourself you are showing that your needs are important. Good luck

@Mopedfear

Thank you so much

Print off a note saying you are self isolating and aren't having visitors... Our ndn has one.
The video door bells are great!!

I think you have done the best thing for you and your family! She should of protected and adored you as her child! You are a blessing.. its a shame.

Bumping into her in the street is like bumping into a random neighbour. A brief civil hello and just keep walking. If you are ever cornered - Mopedfear statement is perfect. Always have a physical escape route - “I am going now” don’t say where.

The strategy is not to get drawn in, not to be part of any escalation. You are not answering any Qs. If she starts with any interrogation and all of the “Whys?” Just say “I am not going to answer that, discuss that. Please leave me alone now” And walk off.

@gutterton

Thank you - really great strategy! Will screenshot and read and re read!

Never stop to talk if your paths cross. Just keep moving. Other phrases to have to hand are “I have nothing further to say”.

She sounds horrific op. Well done. Stay strong.

DH is saying he doesn’t want to block her unless she is nasty to him

I know he has blocked her now but you really need to make sure she has no other way of contacting you if you are serious about going NC, and your DH really needs to have your back on this.

You need a stategy plan worked out with him as she will no doubt pounce on him soon in the street when you are not there. You need to make him realise that this isn't about how she is with him, its respecting your wishes after a lifetime of crap parenting and emotional neglect.

He needs to make sure he nods a civil hello and goes on his way, as other posters have advised You, and dodoesn'tive her the chance to emotionally manipulate him by going on about her grandchildren. You both need to be firm together because you don't want her popping round once you've had the baby, crying and really upsetting you further.

Agree with bringbacksideburns your DH will be a likely target and she will cause trouble between you. It’s tough that he will be drawn into it - but him being “polite” will make this fail.

He needs to agree that his own personal discomfort around your manipulative DM does not trump YOUR need to protect yourself. He needs to have YOUR back.

He needs to know that this is different this time and you need HIS support.

You can also support him to feel confident by preparing to deal with her as PP have said by sharing with him the bland statements, the likely things she will do and how you both will respond.

I have to say I think it’s quite sad that your Dh doesn’t think that her being obnoxious to you counts, that’s it’s not real in some way.

Because he only wanted to block her when she was nasty to him personally.

Does he not believe you ? Or is he just not a team player ?

He just didn’t see the point and hates conflict! He’s definitely a team player/very supportive and on my side!

Well as far I can see, you hate conflict too!

I’m glad to hear he’s on your side with actions and not just words.

Told him what “the script” for any bumping into her and doorstop surprises so he is informed and happy to follow the same.

That’s great

Good to hear that your DH is onboard. Once you have got all of your defences to hand and your scrips rehearsed and to hand - the next step is to fill your time and headspace up with your new life - not sit waiting for your DM to turn up because that is still having your head in the game.

Get connected with new friends, old friends etc - people who bring joy not threats to your life. People who leave you feeling happy, content, proud, stable. This is a really important part because you need to flush out all of the negative emotions, energy and self esteem she pumped into you and replace it with fun, kindness, joy, respect and positive feelings from other friends and family to increase you self worth - that is your buffer to her.

the next step is to fill your time and headspace up with your new life - not sit waiting for your DM to turn up because that is still having your head in the game

This is so true! As all your advice has been

When I was first nc with my dm she found out the address of one of dd's friends and started writing her letters!! Poor dd was only pre teen. Knew something was up and left dm a vm threatening legal action unless she left us all alone.
20 years on no regrets..
Actually just had a guilt tripping Easter card but binned it and the fury passed!!
You are doing great op.

@Windyatthebeach

Poor friend! That’s batshit! And poor DD.

*@bringbacksideburns is right. When my mother couldn't get in touch with me she found my husband on line, we have a relatively rare name, and emailed him pretending to be someone from school to get to me .

@sunshinecake

Oh my goodness that is so devious 😱

Very hard. It might not seem bearable but you have chosen the right way.People are awful , maybe for acceptable reasons, maybe not. But going through more hell through guilt is NOT viable. You are trying to undo the hell of previous generations. It's too much and you have a right to be stable.

@SunshineCake wow, the deviousness of that plan! how did she think that that deceit would make you relent!?

@Finallybloodydoneit thanks, I feel a bit of a fraud on this thread as my mother isn't cruel, it's just that nothing can ever be her fault, she can never have a failing, so it's only if we disagree that she becomes a martyr BEAST and blames me for hurting her!
I'm 50 now and for 25 years I'd stand my grand for a few days, and then I'd think, oh this is ridiculous and then I'd extend the olive branch but always with an appeal that she see my POV which she never, ever did. Until I had my own finallybloodydoneit moment! It was her and my father's wedding anniversary a few years ago and I asked her not to put me beside two friends of hers, I just don't like them much. There was a seating plan. For some reason, I had a hunch that she had not taken my request seriously. So I asked her AGAIN but casually, 'hey, just don't put me beside Anne or Sandra''' and she kind of rolled her eyes. I turned up on the day and who had she put me beside? You guessed it. My brother was up at the ''top table'' so to speak with the closest relatives. And I the single mother was at an edged out table with my kids and two women I had specifically asked her not to put me beside. It may sound trivial, but I was just so hurt. Anger didn't even come in to it. I asked her why she had done that and I just got a lot of indignation about how everybody but her own daughter was happy for her! I stopped contacting her. Not ''NC'' because I didn't want the drama. But if she texted I'd just give a bland short 'meh' response. AFter about 6 months I guess I softened a bit and we went back to our superficial conversations. But I have the feeling that she knows she pushed me further than she's ever pushed me before and that that was a risk.