Need a hand hold - finally told my mother to FUCK OFF

[Finallybloodydoneit]

NC but people might recognise some content from previous posts.

I’m shaking as I type this. I’m crying but I feel calm, and I feel relieved. Here is what my childhood looked like:

My parents divorced when I was 6 and my mother spiralled out of control. She was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. She used to get drunk and scream she didn’t love me. She used to wake me up and pack my bags and say my father was coming to take me, but she had not called him, all so she could say “ha! He doesn’t want you either”. I can remember being about 9 years old and having to wee on the floor of my room as I was so scared of going out of my room to the loo, as she was out there. I tried to kill myself several times as I was so unhappy. Once she suspected I had OD’ and just laughed about it with one of my brothers. She sober used to say she just didn’t want to spend time with me as she didn’t like me.

Anyway, I have been just putting up with her bullshit as an adult for years. She treats me differently to my brothers, they are slightly older and had quite a different childhood to me as they joined in with the drinking or were teenagers on another floor of the house (were subjected to the noise of her sexual encounters either etc etc). They suffered too, yes, and one isn’t speaking to her really. But they have dealt with it by sticking firmly to her side/ganging up against me.

Anyway, since I met my husband and had a baby, I have just gained confidence and don’t need to seek her approval in the same way. This has caused a LOT of up and downs. One minute I’ve been fine with her, the next I’ve overreacted to something she has done. Lots of explosions on both sides.

Finally, she and my brothers decided to turn on me at lunch one day, and start complaining about DH. It just became, for some reason, the final straw for me. The whole situation escalated. She refused to apologise. Things got worse and worse and worse.

Today I have received abusive message after abusive message. Accusing me of being angry with the world. I’m
Not angry with the world. I’m happy. I love my life.

It just dawned on me.. I AM ANGRY WITH HER!!!!!! And I have every right to me!!! I wrote a little list of some things I suffered in my childhood and told her to

FUCK
OFF

I have blocked her on WhatsApp. I just need a bit of emotional support on here really - DH knows all this and v supportive but not friends, and MN has been fantastic with all of my other posts. Do I block her everywhere else too? Do I block my brothers, who are bound to go flying monkey?

I feel so relieved.

Sorry for the long post

Of course your Dh should have blocked her immediately. She's nasty to you ... that should be enough for him. FFS.

Its good you've both blocked op.

I'd be very upset with your dh if he was mine for not blocking her when I did .

Good idea to have a standard response at the tip of your tong @AcrossthePond55, i like what you suggest. Id just change "end of my tether" to "it didnt work" so that there's less risk @Finallybloodydoneit will be perceived as "emotionallllll"

@I0NA

Oh my goodness that’s awful but hilarious in equal measure; how deluded of her!!! These people are a law unto themselves. Thank Christ for safe guarding measures.

I just said to the builder “there’s a backstory here you don’t know. She’s a difficult person to have as a mother and I don’t want to say any more about it” he respected that but equally I do feel a bit shit like he now thinks I’m a heartless bitch as my mother turned on the water works...just need to toughen up and get ready for more to come.

I’ve managed to get my head around and sort out a number of practical matters I was very worried about where I thought I “needed” my mother. Eg who would have DS when I go into labour. Now everything is sorted with these things I feel 1000 x better.

As ever; thank you everyone for such great support

equally I do feel a bit shit like he now thinks I’m a heartless bitch as my mother turned on the water works

Don't be so sure. If he's at all a fair person (and I think most people are at heart) then he's probably just thinking there are two sides to every story and he's not going to judge either of you and he's going to happily stay out of it.

Part of the narc strategy is to make you believe that no one will ever believe you if you tell people the way they've treated you. It's a way to keep you in your box and stop you from telling the truth. It's kinda working isn't it if you're worried about what some random workman thinks about you. You need to shake that off. Easier said than done, but you'll get there. Remember:

"Them that mind don't matter and them that matter don't mind"

You will be believed by the people who truly care about you because they know you are honest and have integrity. They know that if you say something is so, then it is so.

I agree with @Acrossthepond55, the gardener thought ''there's a reason for that drama, I don't need to know it, but there you go'' and then he thought I'm hungry after all this gardening.. Betcha.

Thank you @AcrossthePond55 and @ShleeAnKree - feel a lot better now!

That was a really great opportunity to practice your set phrases. Remember how you felt - that it went well, was not contested and you were in control. So be confident that you can take on anyone at anytime when this comes up. If they come back and ask further Qs or bring up detail - don’t be drawn in just keep repeating the set paragraph.

Great news that you have sorted the labour cover. Tell the hospital not to let her in - also whoever is taking care of your other child needs to be tipped off.

Is she likely to doorstep you when you are alone with 2 young children. Do you have a strategy to manage?

Expect her to have a HUGE public meltdown when she realises that she won’t be seeing baby no2.

But just be ready to weather it. She will blow herald out - just stand strong.

I have no answers OP, but I’m so very sorry to hear about your experience. Sounds aweful and you certainly need to look after yourself

It's funny (not quite the right word) that quite a few of you on this thread have said that you used to believe you were close to your mothers.

I used to believe that too. But our conversations were always quite superficial. 35 years of small talk. I could never express any anger or fear or sadness or doubt or depression. I couldn't take a risk, or talk about a risk I planned to take. That would have been met with silent disapproval. My mother told me what I thought and felt so she didn't need to ask! I didn't even understand this until about 39 or 40. I think I tried to talk to her about how I felt and it was just shut right down. So, that erroneous belief that we were ''close'' is one I can relate to!

I read a book by Dr Jonice Webb about childhood emotional neglect (and my mother wasn't abusive, just emotionally very neglectful) and I really recognised that dynamic in one of the examples. Where the son feels so duty bound to visit regularly, but when he drives hours to get to their house, the conversation is about the weather, the dinner, who they saw at church. I thought 'yes!'. All of our conversations are so surface level!

There's another book called Adult children of emotionally immature parents which really helped me accept my mother for who she is. We still have a very stilted ''yes the weather is inclement today'' kind of relationship! And I know now to express gratitude, contentment, optimism, obedience and prudence. That's it. And my Dad? Occasionally I have a real conversation with him, but my mum will give out to me for upsetting him. He was depressed on and off for 30 years and I think a part of it might have been because he wasn't allowed to have feelings that weren't approved by my mother!

'matters I was very worried about where I thought I “needed” my mother. Eg who would have DS when I go into labour.'

I completely relate to this op as I was exactly the same. My dm would come over for a full day every week when I was pregnant with dc2 to get to know dc1 better and it really took its toll on me. I was heavily pregnant with a toddler and she would come over and expect lunch and sit and have cups of tea made etc and did nothing to help out when I was having a bad pregnancy & exhausted.

I told dh I was going to have the baby on my own while he looked afer dc1 because I couldnt bare anymore of my mothers 'bonding' visits. She did end to taking care of dc1 with dh running back and forth as she struggled and it didnt work out well.

end up*

Is she likely to doorstep you when you are alone with 2 young children. Do you have a strategy to manage?

If this is a worry for you, I highly recommend the Ring Video Doorbell. We have one and it works really well. It allows you to see who is at the door and then decide whether or not to answer it. It also allows you to speak to the person remotely. We were in North Carolina and DH had a 1/2 hr conversation with an old friend who dropped by our house in California! We could see him, but he couldn't see us. It was pretty funny.

It also has a 'silent' feature so you can turn off the doorbell ringer. Good for naps and great for someone who just won't go away.

en-uk.ring.com

If not one of them have your best interests at heart, you must block all of them. It's a life you need to move away from to be truly happy. Well done on taking a very difficult but extremely necessary action. Remimd yourself of that scared little girl who is still inside you somewhere and stand up for her, she deserves it.

Unless the gardener is also your boss then you don't have to answer to him or justify your feelings or actions.

I always think if there’s any way of smoothing things over, but I’ll make an exception in your case as she sounds like an evil bitch. Is there anything to be gained from continuing the relationship? It doesn’t sound like it. She turned on your husband as she can see he makes you happy and she wants you to be as miserable as her. Fuck that.

Omg

Just grey rock

Grey rock

Grey rock

Eventually people will realise she is obsessed with drama

Is she likely to doorstep you when you are alone with 2 young children. Do you have a strategy to manage?

This is a very good point. She has done this numerous times before during bad patches. I really have 0 issue just not opening the door/slamming it in her face. I can well believe there will be a HUGE uproar when she isn’t “allowed” to see the new baby. It’s extremely telling to me though that her cause for concern isn’t not seeing ME, her own child; but seeing my children!! The PP who said she sees DS as a teddy bear was spot on. Although actually he hasn’t mentioned her once since lockdown and not seeing her 😊 Not sure what my plan should be for bumping into her in the street, post lockdown. Any suggestion? Open to everything!

@Yesterdayforgotten unfortunately, unlike your mother who wasn’t even helpful - mine has been! Just unreliable and with strings attached.
I’m Sorry your birth ended up being stressful because of her - they aren’t worth relying on at all really.

@ShleeAnKree

I’m sorry to hear about your difficult relationship with your mother. It must be so hard to have a huge barrier in the way, to never feel like you can speak your mind properly or discuss more than banal crap.

It’s mind boggling how many people have children to behave like awful shit bags

Late to the thread but wanted to say WELL DONE!

After the initial pain and grief of doing similar with my DM I can honestly say I have blossomed far beyond anything I could have ever dreamed of. In terms of confidence, creativity, happiness.. my life is not perfect and I'm not perfect but by God I'm so much happier all round now.

It's weirdly given me a strength I didn't know I had. Whenever things get tough I know that things will never be as bad as they were when I was caught in her web physically and emotionally. So actually I'm stronger than a lot of people despite being told over and over I was weak, something wrong with me.. actually nothing wrong with me!

Wishing you wellbeing and joy for all your days!

By the way, we are NC with my MIL. She’s a different type of awful but awful nonetheless (very unlucky) - my mother was practically gleeful about her not being able to see DS. It’s amazing how she encouraged that but has changed her tune now she’s on the receiving end.