Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

He sounds like he is regressing into being a stroppy teen.

Happy Birthday. Hope you are managing to have a nice day despite him.

Very glad you have reached out to a legal professional regarding your status.

No advice I'm afraid but I just wanted to reach out for a hug. My heart goes out to you and keep in touch on here.

Sorry that you feel stuck. I am also an expat and really miss the UK access my life there. I also have a language barrier to deal with, (though I do have some ability in it st least). which is at times draining and excluding. I could really relate to you saying that you had different nearly 50 years investing in friendships and relationships and that is all gone to pot. It took me 3 years to settle. I am now arty 7 years and it's still tough. But I have a fairly solid marriage and kids who have lived here all their lives and are emeshed here. My home sickness for my London life is still there, but there is no going back for now as realistically I can't move back for a decade at least.

Speak to the lawyers , hang on in there and try not to reprimand yourself. You are in a very difficult situation and survival is an achievement.

Oh god. Oh my god,
We had quite a nice evening. Dinner followed by a Zoom quiz night that my new friends set up for my birthday. DH met a lot of them for he first time, liked them and really enjoyed himself. He even did the last half hour by himself because my mum called.

We put the kids to bed. He's a bottle and a half of wine and a few cans of beer down (to my two G&Ts) at this point, and he suddenly starts a crazy diatribe. Out of the blue he said, in a nutshell, that sex has always been bad/none existent, and we have had some crazy arguments, but what he loved about me was that I look after him so well, but now I am taking that away, and not looking after him, he has decided there is no point and he want to leave me and have fun. Out. Of. The. Blue. We have never had this discussion in our 13 years together but he chooses NOW to say this.

And by 'taking away' my care of him, I have probably asked him to cook his own dinner twice during lockdown, and he has had to wash the spare room sheets once (I have had the kids in with me since he buggered off on lockdown). I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, packed lunches. laundry, sports kit, school uniform.

But what I can't convey here is the tone he used. The patronising, mocking tone. With a smirk in his voice. But still venomous. And trying to prod me. Put his hands down my jeans.

After he said all this twice, I put the voice recorder on my phone and I have half an hour of him saying the same things again and again. While I'm crying hysterically and he's still mocking me.

I don't know what the fuck I have done to deserve this life.
I have to hold it together for the kids but I am at breaking point.

This is an actual transcript of what he said:

"I realised today, I was in the shower today, and I actually realised, you know what, because you look after me so well I love you to pieces, but now you don't want to look after me any more, well you know what? Guess what? I'm out then too, I'm out as well. Cool, I'm out, it's your choice".

I ask what I've not done and he just huffs and puffs and asks where his vape is. He's so pissed he's lost it and thinks I've hidden it.

I can't tell you how much this would shock our friends at home. But I can't tell anyone. Have to keep my cards close to my chest but I have to share it with someone which is why I am on here.

He will have forgotten this in the morning, but he literally says the same statement 15 times. On one recording I've told him I'm recording and he still repeats all this so I do have stuff I can use if necessary.

I wrote a post on here months ago about how much I didn't want to come and I haven't got the strength to look back now, but I will at some point. Pretty sure most of the advice was not to come, but I had no choice.

I remember your earlier post. I'm so sorry he bullied you into the move.

As a Kiwi in the UK, I get everything you've said. And, yes, the likelihood of NZ family court allowing you to remove the children isn't close to zero, it's zero. They just don't permit it. Where the children were legally brought into the country, they remain there - sometimes even when illegally brought in.

Your kids are 8 and 11 years away from uni age. Just set a clock in your mind. You'll do the time, divorce and go back. A LOT of British kids and those with UK passports choose to return to the UK. Don't assume your kids will remain forever in NZ. There is hope. Work as much as you can, if you can. Keep up with family and friends in London, plan to do that time and return to them when your time is served. 💐

Domestic abuse is common in NZ and he wouldnt be the first man to shock a foreign wife with a behaviour change (reversion) on returning to NZ, once reimmersed in life there and surrounded by old friends and family (and having you stuck). Again, I'm so sorry.

Wow I am so sorry to hear this. He holds you with such utter contempt and it sounds like it has been building for years. He bullied you to go with the DCs knowing all along he had these feelings and this was his plan to get where he wanted to be for a divorce.

I am not sure what you can do now. It sounds like your marriage is well and truly over. I would invest in a top lawyer to see if there is any way legally you can return to the UK on the grounds of it being early days and false pretences?

Even during lockdown, in UK we were able to register with a new GP , just a phone call and they directed us to their online registration service then confirmed it by email. Then very responsive and efficient when DH needed treatment.

Try to register so you can make a start on getting help for menopause symptoms; really does help.

Could he be having an affair?

It's as if he had to sabotage your lovely evening because of it was a truly fun evening and he's having an affair then it would add to his guilt.

I wouldn't expect him to rationalise any of the claims he's making.

Unfortunately you have to assume he's not an ally for you in any way and behaved accordingly. As you say, keep your cards close to your chest.

Visit a solicitor and get an understanding of your position.

I am so sorry you're going through this. He sounds nasty.

WitchesandWizards I've just read the full thread and am sending you a massive hug.

This is a truly shit situation.

I can relate to a lot of it, living in DH's country for over 25 years and still not truly settled and happy. I came here for a year - of my own free will- met him, stayed, married, had kids. Speak the language fluently and have a secure and reasonably well paid job. We've moved around a lot for his work over the years and I've just got fed up of always having to make the effort to adjust, settle everyone in, take on the emotional heavy lifting re the kids. I'm the same age as you but my kids are older. The youngest will be university age in a few years. I mentally committed to 'doing my time' not long after he was born and my DH pretty much left me to cope alone with a new born and a toddler in a new town where I knew no-one. (Another job move). I felt utterly abandoned emotionally, like a mere accessory/supporting role in his life. I nearly left but we went to counselling and I ended up staying. If I'm honest, I would have left if I'd been at home with a good support network.

I'm rambling.

Your arsehole of a manchild husband has made things easier for you in a way. You owe him nothing after the despicable behaviour and what he has said. I agree with a PP that this may well have been his plan all along, even subconsciously. Also agree that a good dad would not treat the mother of his children like that or fuck around getting pissed in the garage til 4am every week.

I hope the lawyer gets back to you with the information you need to move forward. I hope it's good news and you can get the hell home asap.

If it turns out you can't, then you will have to get on with it and make the best of a bad situation. You can move to the city and take the kids. Create a new life for yourself. It sounds like you have made some good friends/contacts too and it's great that you've been able to open up to them.

Oh, and perimenopause is a nightmare. I'm going through it too and am still trying to manage things with natural remedies. It genuinely has made me feel like I'm losing the plot sometimes. I also think that this shines a light on so many difficult things. Forces us to take stock and so on.

Get to the gp and get some counselling.

You're about to go to war and you need to be fighting fit.

You absolutely WILL get through this. Keep on keeping on.

Come here if you need a pep talk or support. Or just to rant. We're here for you.

And the very best if British luck to you and your DC.

Take a deep breath.

My husband’s job took him, me and the kids all over the world. Often to developing countries.

After a few moves I realised that for the first 6 to 12 months I suffered from ‘stupid foreigner syndrome’ I had no idea of the local language/customs/expectations.

It is bloody hard work BUT it is possible to make a life. A good life.

You are grieving for your old life and sad in the new one. Go to see the doc, get ADs if appropriate.

You fell in love with your DH, that man and that attraction is still there.

It may take some hard work to build a life, but you can do this if you want to.

It is OK to be sad but you are very low, seek help. Life will improve.

Sending a handhold.

I have no wise words and I confess I haven’t rtwt but my heart goes out to you. I’m rooting for you to somehow find the strength and resources to take your children and to get away from him, even if that means moving within NZ, but hopefully to somewhere that you can restart your career if you have to stay. You deserve so much better and I hope you can get away. Totally different situation but I left a v abusive marriage 5 years ago, wasn’t like it in the beginning and I felt tricked and cheated and lived in hope for too long. The relief at regaining control of my own life when I got away was immense and it still makes me smile now, and even tho it’s thrown up many other challenges for me and for my children, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I pray you get good news from the solicitors, you don’t deserve this

This is so awful, I am so sorry. It’s great you have a record of his behaviour, both on here and what you have recorded. It is legal in nz to record a conversation that you are part of, so don’t worry about that. Play it to the lawyer when u meet them.
I too wondered if he is having an affair- many of the hallmarks are there. There is often a short window after a breakup where the dh is just remorseful enough to allow the woman a few things in her favour wrt finances, where to live. Not saying it would stretch to letting the kids return to the uk but it might stretch to you calling the shots over where in Auckland YOU want to live. Be aware that he will have the legal ability to restrict you to the area you are in now (because of school and visitation practicalities) if you do not move fast on seperation. It sounds like he has been planning this, you need to do some planning too. Figure out what you want and be ready to go for it. Ditto with finances. It is a short window so be aware it may open and be ready to take advantage if you do get that chance. Take no prisoners my love.

But if the kids also have UK passports, could OP not fly back with them and then file for divorce in the UK? Keep evidence of financial abuse as well details of being the primary carer.

Not trying to be goady to any posters, genuinely don’t understand how she can’t do that as there was recently a Dubai case where the mother did it.

OP I have read this with horror. I could so easily have been in your position.
You said a while back, that he mentioned visiting in the holidays when you brought up separation.
Does this suggest he assumes you would go back to the uk?
If he didnt contest you moving back, then presumably you can just do it. Of course if he does contest, you'd have to follow the legal route.
Are the kids happy with the move? What would they choose?
What a disgusting excuse of a man.
I'm so sorry for you.

But if the kids also have UK passports, could OP not fly back with them and then file for divorce in the UK?

They would have come in on their NZ passports as residents and it would have flagged up as odd that they were UK passport holders leaving, with no apparent record of arriving. NZ Immigration is quite hot on this sort of thing.

This is going from bad to, well way badder :(
You poor girl. Gp first, you need a break from the misery. Ads are fantastic for times like this (moving, relationship hell, young kids, peri menopause), I did them and I swear to god, saved my life.
He does not seem like a nice person, although am I right in thinking, this seems pretty out of character for him? The drinking, the nastiness? In his way he is struggling being back also? In a very arseholish way.
Is there any way you could have a reasonable conversation with him about going forward? You cannot go on like this.
I’m so sorry x

It sounds like he wants to live the single life again. He is bitter and angry.

He will hopefully agree to let the kids return to the uk with you. Then he can truly revert for his teenage self.

He also sounds like he has serious alcohol issues.

Just leaving with the kids would leave op open to a challenge by her dh under The Hague convention. Unfortunately New Zealand law doesn't recognise domestic violence (eg the financial and emotional abuse op has suffered) when dealing with Hague Convention cases.

The focus is solely on the wellbeing of the child, and where the child is habitually resident.
The convention does not have a definition if habitual residency, but courts consider a variety of factors including parental intent when moving, have assets including houses and cars been sold to facilitate the move, degree of acclimatisation of the children etc. op can get some good advice next week as to whether her case is arguable or not. This will then help her with her next steps.

I know you're hurting, which is entirely understandable under the circumstances, but harden your resolve to get the legal advice you need ASAP - DV might not be a useful bargaining chip (although it bloody well should be) but if he's an alcoholic, then that WILL affect the children's lives adversely so may be more use.

I'm so sorry

Gosh sorry you are going through this.

Thank you all for reading and taking the time to reply.
This thread feels like a lifeline more than forums ever have, and I am grateful for every opinion and piece of advice x

I listened to all my recordings today and they are horrific.
Truly nasty. The thing that stands out is faux sympathetic /patronising voice telling me over and over again how I've stopped looking after him while I'm in hysterics trying to reason with him.
Good news that I can use them.
And he does admit to drinking two bottles of wine and 6-7 beers as well as wanting to leave me so he can go out and have fun. Also the groping bit where I tell him to get off me and he asks for sex after all the abuse.
There's an interesting bit when I accuse him of revenge (for apparently being controlling in London).
Him: Why revenge?
Me Because you've got me here now I'm stuck here, you could have done this at home
Him At home? Your home?
Me: The kids home.
Him: Mmmmm, the kids home. True that.

This is out of character. Not that he can't be nasty when drunk (I avoided him at home on Friday nights) but not this vindictiveness, usually more rambling.

I don't think there is anyone else - he's only recently started going out again and all his 'friends' are coupled. I literally think he's picked up where he left off at 22 but with his brother's mates not his.
The fact I don't want him having darts parties every Friday night in the garage (next to the kids rooms and playroom) is cramping his party boy lifestyle in a country where no one really goes out.

I spoke to a friend at home today and she was brilliant, she's married to one of his NZ school friends but is a also very close friend of mine and English so gets the Kiwi/UK thing. Then I met a friend at the beach and we spoke for two hours. She's also having marriage problems, and it was good to listen as well - I feel it's all been me recently. But I played her some of the recordings and she was horrified. But I have to share or I will go mad.

It sounds really horrible. He seems like a different person in some ways. Except not really. This was always there but he managed to keep a lid on it in London except for Friday nights for some reason. He has now reverted.

It’s good that you have here fo support and an outlet. Also very good you have real life people to offload on. You definitely need all the support you can get.

Really hope you hear back from the lawyers quickly and know where you stand.