Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

Hello OP. Just to say, we’ll done. You are battling on. I left London 9 years ago for the English countryside. Not as big, or the same kind of move as yours, but a lot of similarities. I have family in NZ and visited and am 100% sure that while it was stunning, I could not ever, ever possibly live there. I did our move for DH too. I’m not massively sociable, had a handful of good mum friends in London, but no wider social circle. Took a fair while to find myself some people Here, all in the oddest places, and a way of working. I did, and still do To some extent, resent DH for “making” me do it. In the last few years I have tried to “make” myself accept responsibility for my part in it. I am where I am and need to take ownership a bit more. No there yet, but working on taking back control. Bit of self care involved too, but it’s really hard if you have young dcs, mine is a teen now so I have more time to naval gaze.

My advice would be as follows:

1] take one day at a time, put one foot in front of the other And don’t try and look too far ahead yet.
2) break problems down, remember your work self and try not to let everything muddle together. You can deal with a lot given your “old” job so you know that you can’t deal with everything at the same time. Focus and prioritise. You can work through this. Your first positive step was to share here, writing stuff down will help you break it all down.
3) Be kind to yourself, speak to yourself Kindly, as you would to a friend in the same situation. Negative self talk doesn’t help so try and catch it if you can. It’s a bit cbt and there are good Ted talks too if you look. I gave myself a guilt free birthday four years ago after a Ted talk, and started this process by congratulating myself mentally after I’d done a load of housework. I used to do 3 hours cleaning on a Saturday morning, stop drink wine and feel guilty I hadn’t done more or the house was still a messy hole. From that birthday onwards I would do some housework I would stop and then mentally, or out loud 🙄 say “well fucking done Nunchuk, your husband works a 60 plus hour week, he’s never home and doesn’t lift a finger. Your kitchen and bathroom are cleanish and no one else does bloody anything. Mess is for another day. You have spent three hours cleaning and you now deserve some nice lunch and a cold glass of wine.” Maybe you could start by doing a small positive one of those when you get up in the mornings. “Well done Witches, you ARE coping with total madness of a move and a virus to boot, even though your husband is being an arse.” And then make yourself one of your nice herbal teas as a reward.

Lots of us thinking of you.

Like numchuk I moved from London to the country, but 25 years ago. I realised almost immediately that it was a mistake, and I miss living in London sooo badly still. But, I’d done it, and I just had to make it work. This is your one life OP, you can’t live it in a permanent state of regret. You have to make it work.

It sounds like you have made some friends. In your position I think I would be reaching out more to them, and stepping back a little from the ones in London. Just to give a bit less headspace to the past, and more to making your future a good one.

I’m a Kiwi so can’t comment on the culture shock of moving here. But I have done two international moves to two continents with my DH and children.

I agree you can’t really feel settled until 18 -24 months. I also agree that you sound a bit self pitying, although your DH sounds like an arse so that won’t help.

There are also lots of excuses. You don’t have to get a job or play sport, but the suggestion to involve yourself in the community is a sound one. In fact it’s absolutely critical to feel anything akin to belonging in a new place. Find something, anything, within your capabilities.

You have good friends after just a short time in the country - that’s so rare! Take them up on any offer of help or support.

I can't write too much today - exhausted after a day of wrangling a 7 year old into attempting some home schooling.
"It's morning tea"
"It's lunch time and we usually play for an hour"
"mummy, can we do PE?"
FFS it's WRITING TIME
"my hand hurts"

Thank you for the latest replies, I will get back on soon.

This morning I jumped on the news and read a report on a Brit living in Adelaide whose mum died in the UK of Covid, followed by a prediction that there would be no international travel from Australia until at least October
The three of us bought a drink at the corner shop and sat in a park (more than 2 metres from each other) and talked for an hour. It was so therapeutic. We're all having issues and it was good to air and share. The best I have felt in days.

I have also had an idea about work. One area I enjoyed in agencies, and have always been good at (please ignore my posts though, often written in speed and when I am emotionally buggered), is proof reading. I have looked at courses and contacted a couple of the people who have written testimonials to pick their brains - would they really recommend the course, and what is the scope for work afterwards? This would obviously be perfect fit around both kids and travel so fingers crossed. I will ask DH to pay for the course - it's the least he can do.

Whoops, missed a bit out.
I was really upset after my news reading session so reached out to my friends here and arranged to meet a couple of them, while maintaining good social distancing. x

I so feel for you op. I moved abroad (only Europe) to live with dh in his home country. I only lasted 3 years and cried most days. Missed my mum and sisters, friends and just hearing an English accent would trigger me. I really think for your mental health you need to see a GP in the interim. I wish I had an answer , could you afford to seek some legal advice on going home with the children?

Well done for reaching out to your friends. Try to separate the awfulness of the pandemic from your personal issues. We will all get through this. Home schooling won't last for ever. There will be international flights again.
Your issues are your grief for your old life, your husband's insensitivity and the lack of control you have about where you live. See what you can do to chip away at those. Are there any possible allies among the in-laws?

@Witchesandwizards just wanted to say a quick hang in there - i ended up reading your entire thread this morning. You write really well and seem like a lovely person in a tricky situation. Sounds like you are seeing "the other side of the coin" with your husband. Peter Pan is a good way to describe him. Perhaps he also needs to realise this isn't just a fun-time holiday catching up with fam, this is LIFE and he has some pretty important decisions to make about how to live it. Does he really want to be staggering about playing darts at 4am on a regular basis. Because it's either he acts like a giddy goat or life with you.

Following

I am glad that you were able to find some emotional outlet for your distress.

I am wondering though how connected you actually were as a couple in the UK? Did you mostly do separate things or when you did things “together” were these as part of a larger group?

I am just surprised that you don’t seem to feel emotionally abandoned by him or that your marriage has fallen apart. You seem focused on what you are missing in the UK - social life, pace, urban life, friends, family etc

But you don’t come across as missing him or your marriage? Maybe you were/are more deeply dependent or derived more emotional pleasure from these things than your DH / marriage?

You may have a point about our relationship. He is generally regarded as sensitive and empathetic by friends and family. More so than me, the practical, organised, more private and introverted one. But even before this I have seen cracks (never serious enough to worry or even really log until now), and think there is a bit of a 'people pleaser' element to this. He is a charmer, a salesman by trade, and a good one.

But I don't feel I have lost support as I never really needed anything - we were lucky and had no major dramas during our life together so it was never tested. I was also fiercely independent and resilient - I only met him at 35/6 and although I had previous relationships, he was the first person I lived with. I was onto my fourth London property (hence most of our equity - we're definitely not affluent, just lucky and quite frugal) I had an interesting job in a fun industry, earned enough to live within my means, satisfying social life, was happy holidaying alone etc. I was also freshly recovered from my main 'wobble' - a knee reconstruction that went wrong, resulting in 18 months on crutches, several surgeries and an external fixator (horrible cage thing).
In my previous life I just 'got on with it' and I guess I always felt like the 'grown up' (and he is 6 years younger). I built a life for myself that I could survive in alone of necessary.

I have also spoken to friends who are experiencing similar, albeit, milder, feelings about their relationships as a result of lockdown. Once the distractions of normal life are gone, you have to deal with emotional children, finance worries etc, relationships are put under a microscope. Healthy relationships don't exist in a vaccum, but mine has been, and now others are. In London we might argue, but then we'd have to get up in the morning and get on with our lives and it would be forgotten.

We had separate friends and colleagues that we went 'out out' with, as well as the main group who we generally saw together, but we did a lot of family things on our own - probably more so than the rest of the group who are much more social than me and relied on each other more heavily (none of us had family in London so we became something of an 'urban family'). Our kids are also very sporty and we met families at swimming, rugby and tennis who we socialised with together, but away from our main group. It's hard to analyse because we were so busy - never enough time to see all the people we wanted to catch up with.

Does it help you at all to reframe it that you are currently safer in NZ than almost anywhere else in the world?

Startup
To be honest, I don't give a toss about lockdown as nothing much has changed emotionally. The virus itself has made it worse - in relation to my lifespan, I see it as a blip, my worry is for my frail parents. Because of our health, our ages and ability to stick rigidly to the rules, we are at very low risk wherever we live, but it makes me feel worse to know we are safe when they are not.

And to not know when I will be able to see them again. At least if I were there, as soon as we are allowed, I could visit immediately. This is very hard to choreograph from the other side of the world with potential flight/isolation/childcare issues.

I also miss the camaraderie and support that my friends are enjoying, Friday night zoom quizzes, Saturday night 'dinner parties', the children's school Zoom sessions.... Things that are only comfortable and enjoyable when you have close relationships. For an introvert anyway . To put it in perspective, even though we have been here almost 7 months, because of time at the in-laws, moving suburbs, and then Christmas, we only effectively lived here for two months before lockdown. Not time for even the most outgoing person to form close bonds.

If I were there I would also be busier - working from home and would probably volunteer. It might make me sound like an absolute arse, but I can't do that here - it's taking superhuman energy just to keep my head above water, I have nothing left to give that my kids don't need.

So a long answer, but I would still rather go back.

I looked longingly at the NZ-UK repatriation flights that start today...

@livefornaps
Thank you for your kind words and support.
And at 'giddy goat' - when we have broken through the icy period I will be sure to share that with him x

@Harakeke
Yep, I am very aware that I sound self pitying - to be honest I can't see beyond that. But this is all detail for on here - to give the full picture. That is how I feel and it's a relief to share.
IRL only 3-4 people know everything. And I pretty much held it all inside for the first two months, avoiding calls from home, making my marital problems humorous and entertaining with my new friends.
But there came a point when I nearly broke.
I took too many Tramadol one night and realised I needed an outlet.

And I guess that's the thing about depression - you can't see a way out.

Ooh @witchesandwizards the repat flights! Have been wondering if I would qualify!

@Honsandrebels I felt pangs when I read about the flights. Fantasies of being rescued!! People getting out....

Hi Witchesandwizards - I've been reading all your posts and my heart goes out to you.

I don't have much constructive advice on the emotional side of things but have you heard of the Hoxby Collective? It's a community of freelance professionals from many different sectors who work together remotely on projects across a wide range of sectors. You might be able to keep doing some of what you love remotely? And if your job isn't a good match for remote work you could certainly provide proofreading services through it, as well as writing services etc if you'd be interested?

@stanislavasmirnova
Thanks for your message and for the tip - I'll look into it.

It's so hard being somewhere completely new and trying to work out what skill are needed that I could possibly do. And add to this the Covid 19 disaster, and I think jobs are going to be hard to come by.

So DH and I have been tip toeing round each other in lockdown, like polite but unfamiliar housemates might in this situation. I have been calm, neutral. He has been ok, if a bit aggro - just the looks he gives me. The wall he has put up.
I have been sleeping in our bed with the kids - this started when he was AWOL for two weeks and I have told them they can stay until they are back at school. Maybe selfishly, I need them. I need human contact. I've been going to bed at 9ish with them, and he stays up. Drinking, TV, whatever.

Last night spoke to him, after speaking to my parents - I was a bit sad and I have been doing research about menopause symptoms and mood and wanted to share - hoping this would help him empathise.

But he doesn't want to listen and told me he is leaving me after lockdown.

We have lasted 6 month here.

Six months in which I have lost pretty much everything that makes me 'me', in which a global pandemic hit, my peri menopause symptoms started/hit me like a truck, in which my parents have received a massive blow (which is for another thread about my narcissistic SIL) and are quite low.

I asked him if he could wait until I have tried to sort myself out. My friend at home (the mental health nurse) is keen form me, to not just see a GP/go on anti-depressants, but now I have spoken further she wants me to see a psychiatrist. I am scared, and I cannot do this alone. I told him this but I still get that look.

What an arsehole.

If his mind is so made up then can you take the kids are return to the UK? There are supposed to a few commercial flights out apparently although only through LA, Shanghai or Hong Kong. A travel broker is probably your best bet if working out if it's possible.

I would try if you can. Being trapped here separated with no income is not going to go well. I'm sorry NZ has been so terrible for you.

I can't take the kids without his permission.
We will have to go the legal route if it comes to it.

Financially there is one thing in my favour. There is a legal concept here called 'spousal maintenance' that is separate to child maintenance. It's awarded on a case by case basis. You also can't file for divorce for two years. If in that time, I can prove my search for work, and we continue with the our ridiculous financial situation (me having no sight of family finances, just a separate card that he puts money on for groceries and the kids), there is every chance he will still have to support me for a number of years. Setting feminism back to square one, but hey ho.

He was just in the kitchen and I hugged him - he hugged back a long squeeze. My 7 year old saw us and joined in, saying 'yay, mummy and daddy love each other again'. Just when I thought my heart couldn't be broken any more.

Oh goodness, I came back to this thread to see how you were getting on, was not expecting that.
I’m so sad for you, and how unreasonable of him not to live and support you when you need it the most.
Sorry x

Thank you nzeire.

There are two things he is angry with me for - my anger / tantrums and slagging off his family. I am not proud of either, but I think now more than ever I have an excuse for losing my shit.

I found this article and asked him to read it so he would have some insight into how the peri menopause can impact mood.

www.healthline.com/health/menopause/menopause-anger

His take out 'You need to give up coffee'.

To give this context (as it also explains part of my problem with how he treats his mum vs me), he told me previously that when his mum went through her menopause she lost her shit with his dad because he booked a rugby tour they couldn't afford. Consequently she left home for a while. She had a career, self sufficient kids in their late teens, her own parents living in the same street and still couldn't hack it.

I'm not sure that I will ever forgive this lack of empathy even if we can work things out.

Wizards my dh lack of empathy for me when my dad died continues to impact our relationship today. I was so vulnerable with a new born, my DM very unwell and had not discovered mumsnet! I remember wanting to leave but just knowing I didn’t have the strength to. It is very hard.
Have you and dh been through hard life circumstances together before? Often people’s true colours show at this time. And how gross that he has one standard for you and one for his DM.